I'm listening to Food is Not Love. It's pretty funny. I don't know if it's the Only Podcast that Matters, cause you know, I have that undying love for Andy and Golfwidow. It makes me feel like I have a life, to know the inside jokes and be a part of the crowd. I'd start a podcast if I thought I could resist the temptation to fake an orgasm. Do not give me a microphone. I don't have a great voice, I talk too fast, and I am terribly inappropriate. The Snowboarder said it was sexy, but you know, he wanted to fuck me, so I think he'd have told me that if I was a mime.
So I will stick with typing, for now. Maybe I will call Andy and fake my orgasm, just to get it out of my system. He'd dig that, the slutty juggler.
Yesterday I did another ultimate super woman task. I was hanging something, and I used an anchor cause my walls are made of graham crackers or something. So I called Ed and he talked me through my first anchoring.
me- Hey, how do you use an anchor?
ed- for what, a boat?
me- no, a wall anchor. (thought- punkass)
ed- oh (laughs) what kind of anchor is it?
me- (loud laugher) why do you think I know that?
ed- what color is it? (thought- chick)
me- grey
ed- what does it look like?
me- kind of phallic
ed- does it look screwy?
me- (inappropriate answer)
ed- do you want my help? (thought- tramp)
me- yes, I'm sorry (thought- twat)
ed- ok, well that's a standard anchor, you need to drill a hole.
me- well, I can't do that, I don't have a drill. But there are two holes where this thing came out of the wall, so can I use those?
ed- do you have screws that go with it?
me- I hope so, these came with my cool tool box. So...um.....yes?
minutes later....
me- does it sound like I'm hammering too hard?
ed- no, sounds fine (thought- yawn)
me- I'm going to use my drill to screw these in.
ed- you rock (thought- I wonder whats on cable tonight?)
me- yes, yes I do.
...sound of a drill...
me- This is so sexually satisfying.
ed- you are using that on the wall right? (thought- do I need to be here for this?)
me- wouldn't you like to know?
ed- (laugher)
me- I'm keeping you on the line so you can sing my praises when I'm done
ed- (laugher) (thought-you need a life, Julie)
...drill stops...
me- it's done. Oh my god. I am so fucking cool.
ed- yes, you are so cool. you rock. You SO don't need a man. (thought- if you had a man, you would not bother me with this shit)
me- now, I want to spackle stuff!
ed- (loud laughter) that takes more work. we'll do that next time. You are awesome. (thought- oh god. she is psychotic)
me- I think I had one.
ed- yeah, that happens sometimes. (thought- yeah, you need a man)
He's a soldier for my cause.
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
4 comments:
Ummm...you're damn right you should call us and fake an orgasm. We'll play the hell out of it on the show and I'll probably play it myself in private about a million times.
;)
What he said.
Julie,
That's hilarious, and it's almost entirely accurate. I'll let people guess which part(s) is exaggerated or wholly invented.
But I didn't recall you saying that you didn't have a drill moments before revealing that you did, in fact, have a drill. Perhaps you were simply missing drill bits? (Not to be confused with naughty bits.)
Ed
Ahhh Ed, you confuse me with someone who knows whether or not a cordless screwdriver and an electric drill are the same thing and differentiates them in conversation. Maybe I have drill bits? What do they look like??
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