Progress, Not Perfection

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.---Ovid

Our program speaks of spiritual progress, not perfection. We can take all the time we need. Our bottom line is steady progress. We can ask ourselves, "Am I a little more spiritual than I was a year ago? A month ago?" If the answer is yes, we're doing great. If the answer is no, we should look at why.
Our illness pushes us to be perfect. In recovery, we learn that we are free to be what we are---human. Even the world's fastest runners are average in most other areas of their lives.. This is okay. Remember, "spiritual progress, not perfection."

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, I'll not be ashamed of how average I am. I'll remember I'm average---and that's good.
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I don't expect to always do everything the exact way other people feel it 'should' be done. I am certain that other people would live my life very differently. I get a lot of advice on what I should do. How I should respond and what decisions I should make. And I take all of it with a smile, taking note of who it comes from and how much they know about my situation and if thier advice is informed or just "this is what I would do"- which really is only worth so much. I do feel my situtaion is different than many women in unhappy marriages, but not so different for most women in alcoholic marriages or marriages with someone with chronic illness. Either way, I realize that my progress in how I deal with my husband, my marriage and my life may not be what people think that it ought to be- but I know, for myself, that it is VERY different than what it USED to be.

I did not wake up one day and realize, "Oh my God, when did things get out of hand?" it started small- and got bigger, much bigger and then a little more manangeable- albeit still quite messy. But really, life is MUCH more livable than it used to be. Only now I choose NOT to live life this way anymore. If I wanted to- I guess living the rest of my life as it stands now, would be a little easier than it was three, four, five years ago. As back then, I still had hope, I was still twisting myself in a million directions and making my husband my Higher Power. I know better now. I have more independence now than I used to. My life has a purpose, and a direction and it's the direction that I want it to go- regardless of what anyone else thinks.

If I absolutely HAD to stay in this marriage for the rest of my life, I would still have a lot to look forward to. My marriage is not what makes me the person that I am anymore. I am no longer defined by my husband or the disease that he has. I am no longer ruled by his actions. I am no longer plagued with his illness. It affects me, yes, it burdens me emotionally and weighs on my heart, of course, but it does not dictate my life anymore. I can still get up every day and go to work and be productive. I can have friendships and hobbies. I can join in activities and have some fun. Even though I have a husband at home who is sick and miserable and probably doesn't even like me very much- I can still have a life. Be a good friend to people and be a participant in my life, not just a casualty of his. Three, four, five years ago- I could not say that.

And really, regardless if what anyone else thinks, THAT is progress.

Holding on

Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.
--unknown

Moving past the guilt

I haven't spoken to my mother about leaving my husband, because know she thinks it's the wrong thing to do. He's sick, and he can't take care of himself and maybe she feels that it's my responsibility to stay with him. Or maybe because of her religious convictions, she simply CAN'T support me divorcing him. Either way, I tend to stay away or not broach the subject to people who I think will encourage me to stay. Maybe I am not strong enough against my own guilt. And I DO feel guilty. I AM sorry. Not because I don't love him anymore, not because the marriage didn't work out. I know that I did all that I could- and then some. I hung on, I detached, I enabled, I ignored, I demanded, and I let go. I have hung in here, for years....waiting and giving chances. And none of it has made enough difference to make me more than "content to live in an unhappy situation." I don't even know WHY I feel guilty. Maybe because I feel sorry for him. Maybe because he does his best to make me feel guilty. Maybe because I know that I COULD live with this situation and I still question the idea that I deserve better than this and I am walking away because I WANT to- I don't HAVE to.

One thing that I do know for sure is that being around him, staying in this marriage- makes me the worst version of myself. I usually am not a hateful person. I am sarcastic to a fault, yes, but this situation makes me hateful and bitter. It makes me ugly. It has poured a blackness into my soul that has taken away the one thing I always believed in before, love. It has made me one of those sour women who sees a couple on the street, walking arm in arm, and makes me think, "Oh God, lets see how long THAT will last." When one of my girlfriends meets a new great guy- my first thought is, "Yeah, give it time, I'll bet he's a jerk like the rest of them."

And you know, all the different men in my life have NOT all been jerks. Most of them have been pretty good guys who I would not mind knowing even today. I have been hurt in relationships, but never really BURNED before. I've never been cheated on. I've never been beaten up. I've had relationships that went wrong and ended with little shock to me, but I've never even been dumped out of the blue. My friend pointed that out to me the other day. He said, "You've had a lot of men who have chosen you- who have wanted to be with just you." And after some thought, he's right. Looking back that the 'boyfriends' I've had, most of them were pretty decent guys. Good guys who maybe were not all I wanted, but great enough to spend several months, sometimes years with.

It's not 'all the men' that are bad. It's THIS ONE. It's not that all relationships are a disaster. Just THIS ONE. This kid has ruined it for the rest of the class. One man has taught me, in my 30's- to distrust men. To distrust thier intentions and thier honesty. I will never allow love in, if I continue to believe that all men are dishonest, disrespectful, and ungrateful. If I am going to stay cynical, I may as well stay here- because at least then I can be right.

Uhhhhhhhhmmmmmm.......no.

Who is your higher power today??

My program is MIA. I haven't been to a meeting since before that mishap with my former sponsor. I have thought about going, but not with any real commitment to actually leaving the house to go.

Program gives me compassion. It gives me understanding. It helps me be patient. It helps me cope. It brings me back to my higher power. I am grateful for my program, however minimal it is in action, but it's in my heart and almost always on the forefront of my mind.

But, sometimes I think it makes me complacent. It makes me rethink the decisions I have made. Everytime I was ready to walk away, I would be in a meeting or talking with another person after a meeting, and I would hear something that would give me the strength, the inspiration, or perhaps even the guilt, to give it one more try. Am I too influenced by other people?? Have I become so flexible over the years that I really DON'T have my own convictions?

Detachment or Indifference??

It's hard sometimes to tell the difference. I think I have done a good job at detaching from some of the problems in this marriage that are not mine to tackle. But at the same time, I think I have become indifferent to them- and somewhat resentful. "I don't care" is not detachment. "I can't help you" is. I know that my husband is very sick right now. His doctor has ordered some tests and they are looking for something. Did he schedule those tests? Get the labs done? No.

So you see, it's hard for me to care, when I am not sure how much HE cares.

Sometimes indifference is the only way you can break free. Detach with love just doesn't seem possible. Don't care and keep my mouth shut, that is closer to what I'm capable of right now. Either way, I can't let his problems become my problems. They are not my problems anymore. Really, they never WERE my problems.

Born to fly

Sometimes it's hard to know when its the right time to act. In previous post I was thinking about timing and when it's the right time to make a life changing move and how it effects other people.

I have decided that I simply want out of this marriage. I want more. I deserve more. I realize that I am wasting my life by staying in a loveless marriage. It's over. I told my husband that my heart is not in it anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I just want my life back. And with no great emotion, not even a blink- he said "And I think you should have it." I think he was relieved. I know he is not happy, but you know- like me- he's stuck, too. I think we have this mutual addiction and dependency on what the one person can do for the other person, but no real love for each other. That is what I think. He tries to tell me that he is still in love with me, but I don't believe that. By way of my ego, I am naturally attracted to people who like me, and I can tell when someone doesn't. This is not love, this is insanity.

We talked about remaining civil. We both had pretty nasty post divorce relationships with our exes and the older kids did suffer from it. If we can avoid the extra stress, that would be good. He said he will not drag his feet on moving out. I did not give him a time frame, but I told him if it seemed like he was dragging his feet, then I would move without him. I simply have to escape this life.

For a long time I simply felt that I didn't deserve more than what I got. Being married to an addict, and a person with chronic illness does something to you. It puts you last. It tells you where you are in the batting order, and that is either behind everyone else- or simply the umpire. The one who decides what is 'safe' and gets yelled at all the time because your are making a bad call. I have had many psycologists tell me that Michael and I will not be able to focus on our marital problems until he first deals with his addiction problems, and then his health problems. He has been drinking, or on drugs, or sick, since the day we got married. It's been 7 years. SEVEN LONG YEARS. I can't wait until it's the right time for him. Once he's working, once he's feeling better, once the holidays are over.

No. I have to act when it's time for me. When I'm ready. I don't want to wait any longer, I have waited long enough. I should not have to wait another day.

I should not have to wait any longer to be the best part of someones day.
I should not have to wait any longer to be treated with respect.
I should not have to wait any longer for a partner- not just someone I'm married to.
I should not have to wait any longer to feel filled.
I should not have to wait any longer to be happy.

I'm ready. It's time to jump.

Waiting

Meditation For The Day

There is a proper time for everything. I must learn not to do things at the wrong time, that is, before I am ready or before conditions are right. It is always a temptation to do something at once, instead of waiting until the proper time. Timing is important. I must learn, in the little daily situations of life, to delay action until I am sure that I am doing the right thing at the right time. So many lives lack balance and timing. In the momentous decisions and crises of life, they may ask God's guidance, but into the small situations of life, they rush alone.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may delay action until I feel that I am doing the right thing. I pray that I may not rush in alone.

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Am I ready to end the life I know and venture into a life unknown?

Soon.

Tuesday Ramblings

I am missing my kid today. This morning the two little ones were awake before I left for work so I put off doing my hair so I could sit with them for a few minutes and love on them. It was a good morning, so I did not want to miss the opportunity to get in a few hugs and exchange a few knock knock jokes. Alex will hopefully have his internet up in a few days so I can see him on the webcam by the weekend. I miss that little punk so much it hurts to think about him.

I'm trying to help Gabriel adjust. He doesn't understand what's wrong at home, he can't seem to pinpoint what is missing, but he knows that something is missing. He doesn't like to talk on the phone, but he will say goodbye to Alex on the speaker phone. I am not sure if Alex misses us as much as we miss him.

Sarah is leaving on Thursday for Colorado. I know that Michael is struggling with that also. I know what he's feeling and just like he could not help me, I can't help him. I'm trying to put aside any feelings of animosity for him, and be there for him the way he was for me- but I admit, I have not been very good at it. Sometimes it's hard to be a good person when someone needs you, when that someone has hurt you so much. I don't pride myself on being the warmest, most sensitive girl I know- but I never thought I would be cold. Sometimes I see myself going that way. Shutting off to his feelings because I feel that he has shut himself off to mine. He's hardened me, but the only one I'm like that to- is him.

I've been reconnecting with old friends lately. I've been doing that over the past year, I guess. I've found some on myspace and that's fun to catch up. It's wonderful to talk to people who knew me back when- and it makes me wonder if I could ever be that girl again. If I could ever be fearless and a rebel and outgoing and fun, the way I'm told I used to be. I'm trying. I have been hearing stories about me, from the past, when I was in high school- and maybe around 18... and I'm not sure who that girl was- but she sure sounded like she was a blast.


















Who the hell is this girl?? and where the hell did she get those trashy ass nails!!!!!!!!
Thanks Robert for this picture- it freakin cracks me up!!!

Perception

"Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have
excellent reason to know. Roots of reality will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves." - unknown...

More than the price of admission

Admitted we were powerless, our lives had become unmanageable.

Last night I reminded myself (and a friend) that all of my best efforts have brought me only to this point in my life. I am powerless, but not blameless. Sometimes we see the clear path of what the right thing to do is, but we choose to go the other way-down the wrong path- for nothing other than pure selfishness.

I cannot blame the things I am unhappy about on my situation, or on my husband or his situation. I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay 7 years ago when I was first faced with this. I chose to stay when I did have several oppotunities go leave. Was I being selfish?- was I trying to have what was not mine to have? Was I trying to create a life and a family where maybe there shouldn't be one? Was I trying to convince myself. Or maybe I was trying to make more out of less. I was trying to make the best of things, move things along and hope that perhaps it will all sort itself out in the end. I don't know, but what I know is that I have less than what I want in a marriage and that somehow makes my life a little less worth living.

I don't want a life that is not worth the effort it takes to live it. I can change it. I can make better choices and I can plan a better life and a better future for me. Happiness, a few laughs, respect, maybe even a man I can trust my whole heart with. But maybe now is not the time for that. Right now I have to stay on track with school and not deviate from the plan. First things first, and the first thing I need to do is secure my financial future- and that of my kids and that will come by finishing school. I know that while things are not exactly ideal here in this marriage, it's a means to an end and maybe in a few years, my best efforts will put me someplace else, someplace better. Maybe then love will come back to me- a love that I can believe in and a love that makes my life worth living. A love that is so real, I don't even feel that I deserve it because it's worth so much, and costs me so little.

Fear

Father Leo's Daily Meditation

Fear is a killer. It stops the God-given spirituality in our lives from
taking shape and making life enjoyable. Fear is connected with doubt -
doubt of self. Low self-esteem develops along with fear and in order
for confidence to develop, the fear must be faced, confronted and
talked about.

Fear is not going to go away because we wish it away or hope it sway
or even pray it away. Fear needs to be identified, located and seen for
what it is - or, as in most cases, what it isn't. Fear of people, things,
tomorrow or life itself grows so long as we forge that we are creatures
of God. There is nothing that cannot be faced or overcome.

Fear is never stronger than our spirituality. We need to bring
our fear into the light; then it can be overcome.
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Today I pray not to be afraid of what comes next. I find that I am gripped with fear lately because I feel outside of myself. Everything feels a bit off center and I am not sure how to get back there. I am practicing gratitude. I am allowing people in. Letting people love me, loving people back. Just putting one foot in front of the other, and letting life happen. I don't want to be so afraid of every next turn, that I miss the whole journey.

Let Go and Let God. I just need to practice that today. That is the response to fear.

Just let go.

All I've got

So it seems that it's been a while that I've really talked about program. I guess I haven't really had much of one in a while. I was going to meetings, at least one or two a month, but I think it's been a whole month now. I almost don't want to go back, but I know that I need to. I am struggling lately. My life feels uneasy- and I know it's cause I'm away from a place that I feel centered. It's when I'm in pain that I really need program, and I can't deny that right now, I'm in pain- but it's not the same kind of pain. I guess I can approach it the same way. Just walk through it.

Be where my feet are and just let it run it's course. I used to try to move on to the next thing, so I don't have to feel my pain- but it always catches up to me. So I guess whatever I am going through right now, I just have to feel it. Regardless of how long it takes and how much it hurts. Just feel it- so when it's over, it's over. That's the best I can do right now. I am torn apart and it's all I feel lately. I miss Alex. I have spoken to him, once or twice a day the last few days. And it doesn't make me feel any better. We don't talk about much. He's 11- his phone conversation skills are lousy. And so we don't talk for long. It's not about talking to him, it's about the fact that at the end of the day, he's not coming home.

My husband, shockingly, has been really great this weekend. He knows I am struggling. He can see me crying all the time, and he doesn't try to fix it for me. He doesn't try to reason me out of my feelings- and he doesn't try to make it better for me. He has been good about leaving me be, and picking up my slack. I warned him that I wasn't doing well. That I am having a hard time. I told him that it's not the time for HIM to have a breakdown, it's my turn and he's going to have to deal with that. He said that was fine. He has been taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, and letting me sleep when I want to, which is really all I want to do right now. He brings me coffee and brings me a blanket. It's his way. We have a hard time relating to each other anymore, but I am grateful for his kind gestures. It must be awful to feel like this all the time. But I think today, I get it. Earlier today, I didn't even WANT to feel better. I just wanted to be sad, and cry and sleep. And I did. I left the house for lunch with my in-laws, and came home and went back to more sadness, more crying and more sleep. He didn't say a word. He knows how I feel right now. He can't make it better and he doesn't think he can either. But his efforts gave me something to be grateful about, and that helped me feel better tonight.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe the day after that.

I'm grateful for my husband being as great as he was today.
I'm grateful for my two boys who behaved at the restaurant at lunch and both of them napped afterwards.
I'm grateful that my son is safe and having fun, even if he's not with me.
I'm grateful that I have a job that I can go to tomorrow that is fun and engaging and keeps me busy and thinking.
I'm grateful that I have friends who love me and who are concerned for me right now and who are calling to check up on me, and try to cheer me up- even if they can't. It makes me feel good to know that I'm loved.

This too shall pass.

God I hope so.

Unconditional friendship

One of my best male friends is moving with his family this week. We have been friends for almost 2 decades and he has been so important and so supportive for as long as I can remember. We have faded in and out of each others lives for years. Talk consistently for a few months, then not for a few months, in and out, back and forth- the way true friends do. I know his family and they all know me, from his daugther to his mom. I have never known anyone who I didn't give birth to who was consistently so pleased to see me.

All of the major decisions I've made, since I was about 20 I have discussed with him. There was not much that happened, that he didn't know about eventually. And with all the the choices, good or bad, all of the messes I've gotten myself in to, and there were plenty, he was always there with support and kind words. Even if I couldn't BE more wrong. He allowed me to make my decisions and make my choices and never tried to push his own opinions on me, even though I know him well enough to know he had them. Whenever I was feeling down or sad, a quick phone call was all I needed to cheer me up and make me feel like I could make it through. I'm certain that I have not been as crucial to his life as he has been to mine. We have spouses and children and lives that are so incredibly different, but we share a friendship that has lasted a long time and has always meant more to me that he probably even realizes.

He sent me an email recently about friendship and how people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don't have it handy, but I'm sure it's been rotated before because I've read it before. And I truly feel that he is a friend for a lifetime. I know I will still talk to him and I know I will see him ag
ain- but it makes me sad how we move on. People come in and out of your life and you just keep going, sometimes not even looking at those we have left behind. And sometimes, constantly looking back- and wishing we could have taken them along.

I have lost touch with many friends whom I thought I would know my whole life. And I have kept in touch with people who I was certain were merely around for a short duration. There's little rhyme or reason to why people come in and out of your life- and you can't control how long they will stay. Loss is hard. I've lost alot of people I love, some of them by no fault of my own- and some of them were the direct result of something I was at fault for. Sometimes it's just the way life moves us through.

I don't know where I'm going with this. There is no easy way to say goodbye when you know there a chance that perhaps it's goodbye for good. Maybe our lives will get busy and eventually the phone calls will get to be few and far between. Weeks turn to months, to years and all of a sudden, a long time has been TOO long. It's just the way things go and sometimes you can't change that no matter how much you want to.

A reason, a season or a lifetime.

Either way.

To you:
In the end I'm so very grateful for the friendship we share and for how you have added more to my life than you will ever understand.

It's never easy letting go

Looking at this picture, I can see how much Alex and I really DO look alike. With my hair pulled back and no makeup on, the resemblace is undeniable. When I look at him, I usually see his dad, but in this picture, there is not a doubt in the world that this kid looks like me. I noticed once in a photograph when he was 5 or 6 that our hands are similar. But usually I guess because I don't look at myself at the same time, I never realized how much he does look like me.

He left last night. His dad showed up at 9PM on the nose and we loaded up the car. He said goodbye to his older stepsister who spent the day with us, and his little brothers who were clueless and tired and grumpy. Outside my husband gave him a hug and told him he loved him. And then Alex turned to me and said "Bye Mom" and we hugged tight and for the first time I started to cry. I didn't completely fall apart at that moment, because I was trying to be strong for Alex- but the tears were there and I hugged him tight and I really didn't want to let go. I thought for a moment how tall he was, and how he is not a baby anymore, but a young boy who is not too much shorter than me and I wondered when that happened, and why hadn't I noticed it until now. How long had it been since I had really stopped and hugged this kid tight??

We hugged for what felt like an thirty minutes while my husband went inside, appropriately feeling like this was a moment that was between Alex and me and my ex. I kissed Alex and told him how much I love him, and I will talk to him soon and I shuffled him into the car. His dad, my ex husband put his arms out to hug me. It was then I broke down. I cried, hard, into his shoulder while he patted and rubbed my back and promised me that he would take care of Alex. He promised me that he would be ok. He told me they would miss me, and "I love ya Jules" and he said what I never thought I would care to hear from him, he said, "You've done a good job raising our son." That meant alot to me- even though I never felt like I needed his approval before.

I went inside the house before they drove away and I went to my room and cried some more. My husband came in, and held me while I cried even more. I felt like I couldn't speak, but only sob- feeling like a peice of my heart had been taken away and the first thing I did say when I words could come out was, "Have I just made a huge mistake?"

But even as the words came out, I knew that I hadn't. I know that this choice will not make Alex unhappy. He is not being shipped off kicking and screaming, and I am sure that while he may still be a little sad today- he is already starting to get excited about it- as while I am very sad, I am excited FOR him. The other day I told Alex that saying goodbye is the hardest part. The actual moment of goodbye is the hardest. That yesterday would be the hardest part of all of this, and as soon as it's over, it will start to feel better a little at a time. I promised him that saying goodbye will be very hard and it wil hurt, but it only hurts for a little while. In my case, I also hope that's true.

Today I got out of the house. I went to my friends house and we sat by the pool and talked girl talk. She let me talk about my feelings and I was grateful for that. It's nice to be listened to and not always lectured at. It's not important to always get the 'devils advocate' opinion or sometimes anyones opinion. I don't need anyone to solve my lifes problems, but I think it's ok to ask for an ear to bend if I need it.

Still, it's Sunday night and I will not be recieving the call I get almost every Sunday night from my ex husband telling me that he is on his way with my son. My son is not coming home tonight- and I miss him already.

You never realize that anything in your life is missing until it's filled, and in turn you never know that you are filled, until something is missing.

3 days

(Pic is from Decemeber 2004)

Tonight on the way home from my mom's house- Alex started crying. He said he was sad because he was not going to see his grandmother after tomorrow until Christmastime. I have thought that as soon as I saw him cry, I would start crying- but I didn't.

It's amazing how when we need to be strong, it sort of comes from nowhere. I assured him that he would talk to her all the time. That she is always logged in to Yahoo Messenger and he can chat with her probably every day. She'll get a webcam. So he can talk to her on that too and see her. Alex has always been very close with my mother. Sometimes closer than I prefer. If I want to get him to eat anything, I tell him that it's leftovers and that she made it.

My mother and I had a horrible fight when I told her that Alex was leaving. She has calmed down considerable, but she and I share different ideas about this. There are a few people who don't support my decision, but I know that it's good for him and he will enjoy the adventure and maybe even thank me someday for allowing him to go. Yesterday when he was crying, I wanted to tell him, "Alex if you don't want to go- you don't have to." I wanted to tell him that I didn't WANT him to go. I think if I cry and do enough talking, I can convince him that I won't be ok without him- and manipulate him into staying. And even I though I would be somewhat pleased, it's just more guilt that I don't need.

I have alot of friends who are very concerned and sorry for my "loss". But I did not LOSE custody of him. He did not get killed or abducted. This was a decision that I made to let him live with his father. Not a sister or a grandparent, not a distant relative. But his FATHER. The man who ALSO promised to love and care for him. My ex and I have grown to have a pretty decent friendship over the past years and we respect and understand each other, which is more than I can say for alot of ex couples. I think that Alex will only benefit by seeing us getting along. There are those who simply don't agree with what I'm doing, and that is ok too. I am grateful for my friends who love and support me, even if they don't agree with this decision. But like many things in my life, it was not one that I came to easily. I am not impulsive and while I am not exactly a "warm and fuzzy" mom, I do cherish my children and freely admit that I would never know true love without them. And it's because I love Alex with all my heart that I will let him go and experience something different and exciting and something that will make him happy.

Every month in Oprah's magazine she has a feature called "This I know for sure" or something like that- and here is what I know for sure.

As mothers, our choices are never easy.

4 days....

My son is leaving on Sunday. Originally he was not leaving until the 19th- but his dad, my ex has decided he is going two weeks early, so my son will be leaving with him. I think I've been in denial about it, and now it's really happening. I'm trying not to be emotional about it, because my son is an emotional kid. I don't want to make it harder for him. I am also trying not to be bitter, because he seems so excited to be leaving in the first place. I'm trying to be funny, and joke around about how much quieter it will be around the house without him around. How I won't have to watch Yu-Gi-Oh anymore or hear about Avatar. No longer will I have to listen to "U Can't Touch This" on Radio Disney or "Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Naked Mole Rap." Kim Possible who??

He laughs and says "mommmm" knowing that I am joking. Knowing that I like to tease him and make him laugh. Knowing how I am the cool mom who tries not to freak out if the f-bomb slips out (I know where he learned it), or who simply lets his grades be what they are because lets face it folks, in 5th grade- who cares if it's an A or a B.

When I was in labor with him. He was late and I was in the hospital. I was not progressing, and my contractions, while painful and uncomfortable, were induced and producing nothing. I was exhausted and irritated and as my step dad likes to quote me from that day, "This Sucks!"

It had been 34 hours of labor and I was now waiting for the next 45 minutes to pass before the let me have the C-section. With about 15 minutes to go, the monitor starts beeping and his heart rate started to drop. Nurses came running in and there was so much commotion. They were telling me to roll this way, prop myself up, put my leg up, no roll that way, this leg here, prop up, lay down- whatever. I was low on fluid and because I kept throwing up- I kept losing whatever fluid they were pumpin in there. He was could be laying on the cord, you don't know. Could be wrapped. Dont' know. So I was there doing what they said and listening for that beep beep beep of the monitor. I was laying facing the monitor and staring right at it. Watching the number drop. lower lower lower.... I just started at it. I could. like an echo, hear my mom, gasping and trying to ask questions to the nurses. I could hear the echo nurses around me. I could even hear the echo of my ex by the door, being distracted and escorted in another direction by my sister. But all I could clearly hear was that beep beep beep. And then it was gone. I started blankly at that LCD screen.

Just you and me, I remember thinking, you won't do this to me. We have a deal you and me. I remember that I whispered his name. I remember the world stopping, for just that moment between me and this unborn child. I started at that screen for what seemed like minutes, although I'm sure it was just a few seconds....and I prayed, even though I hadn't prayed in years...

....beep....

and he was back.

Within minutes I was rushed into the operating room. On the way down the hall they pumped up my epidural and I slept through the whole thing. I woke for a second when I heard him cry. They brought him next to my face and I touched him.

And I may never tell him how much I miss The Naked Mole Rap. Or how I will probably listed to Radio Disney, even though I don't have to. He won't ever know how much I wanted him to tell me he didn't want to go. He will never ever know how much I love him. He will never know that I am dying...absolutely dying inside to see him go. And how when his dad said he wanted to take him to North Carolina, the world stopped once again.

Born to be alive

Sometimes it seems like my life hasn't changed much, and sometimes I am amazed at how different I feel.

Maybe it's a confidence thing. Perhaps I just FEEL better about myself lately. Perhaps it's about detachment. Things with my husband have really not changed much. I mean, lately (and by lately I mean the last two days) we have been getting along a little better- but I have my doubts at how real that is. And when he gets into his depressed moods, I can't say that I'm OK with it, but I think it bothers me less at that moment. I try not to think of what the rest of my life will be like- because then it feels hopeless and endless, but in general, I can handle it one day at a time.

But I learned to get a life. To hang out with friends, and be social and have fun!! Oh my God, FUN. I almost forgot what FUN is really like. Being around people, and laughing and telling old stories and bad jokes and meeting new people and not even wondering if you fit in, because you just do. And then staying up late and LAUGHING so hard that you almost lose your voice. It's so good to feel alive again.

What's Left of Me

These are some of the lyrics from the new song by Nick Lachey... or the ex Mr. Jessica Simpson

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me
--------------

This morning I decided to give this song a listen. Apparently Nick is finally getting some attention to his music, now that he's been spectacularly dumped. And so I listened to the song and I found myself feeling sorry for poor rich gorgeous Nick. All screwed up and 'half a man'.

And it made me think about all the 'half men' I have fallen for. And the realization that perhaps that is my problem. Well, I guess I've always KNOWN it, but you know what I mean. I guess it's the co-dependent about me that makes me want to 'save' broken down, 'half men'. And I know that even my husband had a truck load of baggage that I thought I could carry for him.

So this morning while I'm listening to the words.... Take what's left of this man...yeah, sounds peachy.... Make me whole once again...great, cause I don't have ENOUGH to do....now I'm broken and I'm fading....and you feel you can be in a relationship-WHY???...I'm half the man I thought I would be...NOT A GOOD SELLING POINT...but you can have what's left of me.

Fucken GREAT!!!! Can't wait....

And I thought to myself that I don't WANT half a man. Why would (or DID) I ever want HALF a man?? What kind of crazy f'ed up thinking do I have that says I don't deserve a man who already IS what he's aspired to be?? What kind of half assed, backwards, low self-esteem load of crap did I sign on to that says that I had to be the saver of the broken ones. It was never my job, but I was always willing to do that. I was an idiot.

I was broken, and I am working on fixing myself. I am not asking anyone to make me whole again.

My life and myspace.

So I'm done with school for the semester!! Finally. Finals took three weeks, I thought I was going to go crazy, but it's done for the summer and I can't tell you how much better I have slept in the last three nights being done with it. I am not taking any summer classes since my son is moving in June and I want to be around to hang out and spend time with him.

So yes. My son Alex, is moving with his dad when school is out. To North Carolina. It was a really really REALLY tough decision to make, but in the end, I think it will be good for him. I can't imagine what it's going to be like, having him so far away- and I think I'm kind of in denial about it. My step daughter is also moving this summer, to Colorado with her mom and step dad. So my husband and I are losing our two oldest kids this summer, far too early. Way earlier than we ever thought that we would. It is actually helping us become a little more of a couple. We have common misery. We struggle with supporting the other person anymore- but right now- we both seem to be going through the same thing- so it helps. He is the only one who I can really understand what I'm going through, because we are BOTH losing our kids. It's not just me, or just him. This is something that is happening to our family. And unlike things that have happened to our family BEFORE, it's not the fault of one person, it's just life. And we are trying to work through it together the best way we know how.

I got a myspace page. I have no idea why. I had a profile so I could search and look for my friends who had one, so now I have one and my friends daughter helped me set it up. The song I have on there rocks, except it's got bad language so turn your speakers down. "Crazy Bitch" is a good song, even though it's vulgar and kind of degrades women. It still has a nice groove to it, and kind of makes you want to dance. So forgive me for having bad taste, but I like it anyway. It's kind of like Baby's Got Back- you can't help but like it and want to dance to it, even though it's kind of tasteless and tacky. Anyway, if you have a myspace page and you want me to add you and I don't exactly know you by name, tell me you know me from here, and I'll be glad to add you- but I keep getting these creepy friend request emails from guys who want to know how "HOT" I am. Yeah, losers... I want to deal with you, sure. But I will assume that the readers of this blog are decent minded human beings who are twisted enough to handle some vulgarity and some offensive jokes. And if you are wondering about my "Headline", it's from Dane Cook who is a comedian who I just love to death and makes me laugh until my sides hurt.

So now that school is done, and I'm less committed for a while- I'm hoping to start going to meetings again. Get back into my program, perhaps balance myself back out. But I'm happy lately. I'm feeling ok. I am having fun in my life right now, and trying not to let every little thing break my spirit. I'm going to be losing alot, giving up alot, in the upcoming months. I don't know how I'm going to handle it all. My doctor put me on some antidepressant/ antianxiety meds. It's about time somebody paid attention to the chest pains I've been having for years. The are helping, I guess. The anxiety/panic attacks are less severe and less often. They help me sleep at night- by the end of the day I am DEAD TIRED- and it's hard for me to stay up too late. During the day I feel like I have a little more energy. So that is a plus.
I can't complain about much right now. Life isn't perfect, but it sucks less than it has in the past.

Mothers Day

To my friends who are moms:

I have been thinking alot this past month what it means to be a mom. The things that we go through and the struggles we face. I have so many wonderful women in my life who I have learned so many things from. So many that have inspired me and in my mind, in my heart, my friends are a part of me, and I a part of them.

I always wanted to write a book about me and 4 of my best friends. They are different women who are only connected through me, and who only know of each other by name and perhaps a few chance meetings. My sister, my best friend since high school, my best friends since kindergarten, and my best friend since birth practically (who I have not spoken to in many years, incidentally). Even now when I think of the 5 of us, I think of how drastically different our lives are, and as women, friends, wives and mothers- we have so much knowledge to offer.

But spreading out my circle, I can see that all of my girlfriends have something amazing and wonderful to offer.

We have struggled together. We have struggled with having babies. We have safrificed alot to get pregnant, we have gone thru procedures and tests and pills and calendars- calculated our ovulation period, asked our husbands to give 'samples'. We have cried over pee sticks, sitting in the bathroom on the phone to each other, "There's two lines!" always crying, sometimes for different reasons. We complained to each other about sciatica, strech marks, cravings, and moodswings, having to buy maternity underwear, nursing bras, and pants with 'the panel'. We laughed together, and cried together- held each others babies in our own hands, holding them so close to our hearts and loving them as much as we love each other.

We have held each others hands, one of us in labor, the other one supporting. Both of trying not to laugh while the woman down the hall is screaming blood murder as if she is giving birth to a tire, and not a 7 pound child. We have fed ice chips, and wiped our sweaty brows, talking about how beautiful the baby is. We have taught each other how to swaddle, how to nurse, some good tips on burping, a few nursery rhymes, and about the magic of the 'boppy pillow', we have shared recipes, secrets, and baby clothes. We have called at 4AM, both of us up, nursing. We have figured out that just a little bit of cereal in the bottle will NOT choke the baby, and WILL make him sleep a little longer.

We have learned, and laughed over the knowledge that nursing one baby while spoonfeeding another is not only possible, but sometimes a necessity. We have given advice about the best babyfood, the best diapers, the best wipes, and the best diaper rash cream. We have oooh and aaahed over thousands of baby pictures. Here's one of her sleeping in her chair, here's one of him sleeping with his dad, here's one of her sleeping in her bed, here's one of him sleeping on the couch.

We have loved thier fathers, learning that our life is not whole without them. We have left thier fathers, knowing that sometimes the best we can do for is run for our lives. Sometimes we married them because it was the right thing to do, sometimes we left them, for the same reason. We have cried over bassinets, and cribs overwraught with emotion. Joy, sadness, regret, guilt. We have done the very best we knew how.

We have admitted, sometimes only to ourselves that we were not up to the task. That we could not take another day of tantrums, another sleepless night, another nursing session, another 'accident'. We have been viciously protective, and sometimes dangerously careless. We have gone home crying to our own mothers.

We have been through firsts together. First teeth, first haircuts, first sickness, first emergency room visit, first ear infections, first surgeries. We have shared our joys and fears and supported each other with the only words that really matter, "I understand."

We have struggled, and been there for each other. We have given advice, and at times had to admit that we did not have any good or easy answers. We have held our children close, and we have let them go. We have shared the most amazing thing we will ever experience as women, we have talked about it all, at length and in great detail- the changes in our lives, our attitudes, our body, our sex drive, the shape of our breasts and the size of our feet.

We are forever changed- each of us someone different from the next, many of us, barely a shadow of the girls we used to be. Separated by our experience, and connected by our mutual experience.

My friends, the many women I have spoke about- and you know who you are. You have inspired me, taught me, and loved me. You have shared my life, and helped me love my boys as well as love myself.

Happy Mothers Day!!

Alot of shit going on.

My husband had a friend who used to say that all the time. Whenever you would ask her how she was doing, what's new, how come she didn't show up... "You know, I have alot of shit going on right now." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't??

Anyway, I DO have alot of things going on right now- and I should be studying, but I feel like I need to just do this therapeutic writing for me, cause while I am making notes for my class, I am thinking of things I could be writing... so here I am.

I did speak with my sponsor after a week of silence. She emailed me and called me the day after she sent the initial email- and it took me three days to stop being pissed, and then 4 more days to find a long enough block of time to call. She apoligized for including me on that email. She said that she had not realized, or forgot that I had been to a few meetings a week. She admitted that it was stupid for her to send out a blind email to all the girls she sponsors (there are only 4 of us). She admitted that she should not have even included me. She apoligized. She told me she didn't want to lose my friendship. That she was wrong.

I told her that I had been very hurt, and very angry. That I felt it was impersonal and out of the blue. We talked about it. I forgive her. I have forgiven people I like LESS for infractions much worse. People make mistakes. What I think I liked the most about this whole event (and what I like about HER) was that she didn't push me to talk to her until I was ready, that she admitted that she was wrong, and that she told me that I had every right to be angry with her about it. She didn't even try to make an excuse. "What I did was wrong and you have every right to be mad at me about it." I love people who take responsibility without being asked to. And people make mistakes, and do and say really stupid things- that doesn't make them BAD people.

For instance, last week, in an argument I was having with my mother (for another post) I made a comment about my husband in which I not ONLY threw him under the bus, I was driving it- and ran him over- backed up, and ran him over again...circled the block and thump thump, one more time to make sure he's flat. And I immediately regretted having said it- and even though he was not there to HEAR me say what I said, I did tell him, and apoligized. I was angry and trying to make a point, and I just threw ugly words out there. I felt lousy for it. Lousy enough that I didn't have the good sense to keep it to myself.

I am in the middle of finals right now. Middle, but I still have two test, two papers and presentation due this week. How can this be the middle?? I am overwhelmed. I have six days and that is not enough time to study and write and prepare. Part of me just wants to say forget it, and give up!! Screw it. But I have worked hard to keep my grades up. There's no point in screwing it up now. I am not taking any classes this summer- so I will have a break very soon. JUST ONE MORE WEEK!!!! I can do this.

My best friend just finished nursing school!! She's been at it for 5 or 6 years I think. She moved 3 times, once from Texas to Indiana. She had a baby in the middle. And now she's got her degree for an RN. A nurse!! I am so proud of her. She has been one of my biggest supporters, and an inspiration. She deserves to stop struggling financially and be able to support her family. She's been my best friend the day we met in 9th grade and I would not last a day without her. Congratulations Carrie- you amaze and inspire me and I love you sister!!!

Finals and endings

Well this has been an incredibly exhausting weekend!!! I am so tired and it's not a good way to be considering I have two presentations, three finals, and one paper due in the next two weeks. I'm just trying to knock them out as they come along one at a time, not really giving me enough time to properly study for any ONE event.

Last night I took a nice break and took the babies to visit with my brothers girlfriend and that was really nice. I tend to not take them too many places, because it's just very tiring, but luckily she and her daughter were both very patient and played with them too. They had fun and were asleep before we hit the freeway ont he way home. I also go to burn like 15 of her CD's, so that was WAY cool and I have a whole new collection for my MP3 player and the car.

On Thursday of last week I had an issue come up with my sponsor regarding the number of meeting I am going to, my level of commitment to the program and a question of whether or not she plans to remain my sponsor. I was pretty upset by it, as I was under the assumption that she knew that I was taking in as many meetings as I could fit in- so this EMAIL came as somewhat of a suprise. But I was not going to question her boundaries, so I emailed her back, told her that I really cannot increase my "program intake" because I don't have the time, and if I do it "cause she says so" I will only resent her for it. She has since contacted me via email and a phone call and I have not called her or emailed her back yet. There really isn't a whole lot to say, I guess. I'm angry about it. It's not that I don't CARE what she has to say, of course I do, and in the second email and the voice mail, she suggested that perhaps she should not have sent it to ME (apparently she sent it to ALL the girls she sponsors!). I don't know. All I know is that I felt kind of rejected and misunderstood by someone who seemed to so convincingly tell me that she UNDERSTOOD why I was not going to as many meetings right now. She's human, and she did somewhat apoligize in her message. And I know that I should let it go- but the truth is, I am NOT working my program the way I know she would like me to so perhaps I will just consistently feel like I am disappointing her.

But it IS a program of suggestion and there are no rules to how many meetings you HAVE to go to. When I was participating in the online Al-Anon message board, I was VERY involved with that. Daily. And I had not stepped foot inside a meeting for a year, but you could not tell me I didn't have a program. Because daily I was sharing experience, strength, and hope with people in that group. Sometimes we talked on the phone to each other. Some of the girls sponsered each other. We talked about the steps, the traditions, we had 'group conscious' by way of online voting. The online message boards were never meant to substitute for meetings- but as long as you are getting the message... as long as we were benefiting from the gifts of the program- it's program.

I don't know, I'm twisted up about it. I don't know what the hell to do. Just like I don't have the time to go to a meeting, I don't have the time to deal with whatever I am feeling about this. Not right now. Even as it is, the 20 minutes it took to type this, I should have been getting the babies dressed so I can go pick up thier brother from his dad's...while I practice my presentation in the car.

Who says you can't go home??

Today I am grateful that I have a big family.

Not just alot of people, but alot of LIFE.

Progress...not perfection

This is exactly where I am today... it's all progress.

Last Monday I shared about my disaster of a house. Well, I have been pretty good about cleaning this week. I got the kitchen cleaned Monday and the living room on Tuesday. My bathroom was cleaned, sort of. The trash was picked up, the laundry is off the floor- and all the empty bottles of hair product, lotion, face cream, old eye shadow etc. is thrown out. It still needs to be wiped down, mirrors cleaned etc. But that will happen this week. I'm in no rush.

I made it a point to do dishes every day, except Sunday- and I came home from school tonight and at first glance, it looked like the return of the mess. I sighed, loudly-because after a long day at work and then school, I hate coming home to a mess. So I put my kids to bed- and got to work. Suprisingly, it really only took me 20 mintes and my kitchen is clean again. Like REAL people. My counters are wiped down, the dishes are done, my sink is shiny. Fucking shiny!!! It feels fan-fucking-tastic. So much so that I pointed it out to my husband, who was not immediately offering up any praise for it. "Looks good huh??" For those of you who know me, the fact that my kitchen has been clean for 7 days, (or 20 minutes away from clean) is a big accomplishment for me. I am admittedly lazy when it comes to housecleaning, well, not lazy, just indignant.

I have three weeks left of school and I have officially made it through my first universtiy semester.

AND, that woman I have been struggling to get along with...she and I had a few laughs today. I did my best to be as NICE as I could to her- and she pulled through for me and got me what I needed. Also I did find out the following day that she is going through some struggles with her family- so even though I had no idea what for at the time, I am glad that I prayed for her- because apparently she needed it. It did open my heart to her, a bit, and helped me to see her as a person, a woman, a daughter, and not just a co-worker who was pissing me off. So thank you to those who commented on that- and to D-man, for making me laugh about it.

So anyway, in Program, we say Progress, Not Perfection. And while some people, who I will not mention, use this slogan as an excuse to continue to act like douche-bags, for me- I try to think that it's ok that things are not exactly how I want them to be. My apartment is not super clean, and I would probably still not have people over just yet, but if someone showed up unannounced, I could say 'excuse the mess' and let it go. That is progress. It's good enough.

And today, that's good enough for me.

Gratitude List:

1. Clean Kitchen
2. Kids went to bed with minimal fuss
3. I went to a meeting on Sunday, and even though it was not the 'best meeting' I could go to all week, it did help me get back in focus.
4. My friends, who are awesome.
5. My brother is safe in the states for another week.
6. On Friday night, I took too much medication and my husband put me to bed, carried me to bed and changed my clothes and everything. It was very nice of him to do that- and not leave me on the couch. So I am grateful to him for that.
7. My sponsor for not giving up on me, even though I am not giving my program the priority it deserves, and for not giving me crap about my reasons.
8. The 12 steps.

Ripping my heart out...

Today's Meditation
-------------------------------
When am I manipulative?
Personal relations.
Without understanding our motives, we can easily lapse into behavior aimed at manipulating others. Sulking is a means of letting others know we are displeased and forcing them to attempt to win our approval. Flattery is a false _expression of approval that we don't really feel…. Giving others good strokes for our own purpose. Withholding deserved praise is a means of putting others down, something we're likely to do because of our jealousy.
Manipulative behavior is almost always selfish behavior. IT is usually a false means of trying to get our own way. It is certainly an immature way of dealing with people and situations.
The best way to avoid being manipulative is to be ourselves at all times. We have neither the right nor the responsibility to control or regulate other people. Our best approach, in trying to influence others' actions, is simply to state our own case with sincerity and honest. Others must be free to act, free to choose, and free to make their own decisions without manipulative interference on our part.
I will be myself at all times today. I will not assume false roles simply for the purpose of bending others to my own will. Manipulative behavior is controlling behavior, which I must avoid.

The door to the human heart can only be opened from the INSIDE.

-------------------------------------

Sometimes I struggle with being myself, because I know my feelings will make other people uncomfortable. I know that if I say, "I am disappointed because...." it will only cause another person to feel weird, and chances are it will not envoke any change anyway.

Sometimes the truth hurts worse than any lie ever could.

But that doesn't make it any less true.

Wouldn't it be nice...

Pray for your enemies.

I don't get this... I have heard speakers talking about this idea. When you don't like someone, pray for them, that they get all the things you want- or all the things they want. And I don't understand the concept of this.

It's rare that there are people I simply don't like. There are people who I don't care for, who I prefer not to be around, but very few that I have gotten to know that I can day that I really don't like. I work VERY hard, like most good Al-Anon's to make sure that everyone likes me- and I have a hard time when I'm faced with people who simply DON'T. At my old job there was a woman who was a dear woman who most people got along great with, but she just didn't like me- no matter WHAT I did. In the end, I just had to give up, but to this day I would walk the other way if I saw her- because I think I would still try to be nice to her to figure out why she dislikes me so much.

I have a similar situation at work now. There is a woman who I simply HAVE to work with, my job requires her cooperation- and no matter what I do- I'm wrong. No matter how I go about asking for things, I find a way to piss her off. And today we had a run-in, and she was extremely rude to me, in front of other people. She pulled a total attitude with me, and I just felt really abused over it. Abused. I don't think that there is anything I can do to smooth this over now. She CLEARLY has a problem with me, and what I am asking of her- but there is no way around it. My job requires her to do her job- and we both get paid to work, like it or not. She does not have to like me- although it would make my life (or my conscious) easier if she did. All I ask for is some cooperation and perhaps some professional courtesy, and today I got none of that.

I did talk to my manager about it, which I also did not WANT to do- but you know, I can't really do anything more in this situation. I have tried to be as nice as I can, almost apoligizing for making her work. But I really can't just sit back and allow her to treat me this way. So I called on my boss, who I would not want to be on the wrong side of, to step in and help me. I feel awful for doing it- but I deserve to stand up for myself because I deserve a good working environment- and this woman is making my life hell now. But I do feel bad, I feel really crappy because I perhaps I'm more comfortable with this woman treating me bad, than getting her in trouble.

So anyway, why should I pray for her? What is the purpose of praying for someone I who I may or may not like, but who clearly dislikes me. What is the purpose of that??? Anyone....? Am I supposed to pray that she has some change of heart and stops acting this way, or is it just about doing the opposite of what you are thinking??? Is it about replacing anger and frustration with whatever warm and fuzzy feelngs prayer provides??? I don't know. Prayer is something I'm still kind of new at. So if you can share with me the reasons for this, give me some insight. Until then, I will act as if..something else I am told to do in the program. (kind of like, fake it till you make it...)

I'm getting ready for bed, and I am going to take a moment to pray for her- because that is what I'm supposed to do, And we'll see how I feel, and how things pan out when my boss talks to her. perhaps that I what I should be praying for. That she makes if out of that conversation ok....

Quick morning pick me up

I came home from work last night to a disaster of a house. I'm overwhelmed with the mess again. Somehow I need to get control of this mess, because obviously nobody else is going to. I could go on and on about how I am the working person in this marriage, and I should not HAVE to be the house cleaner too. It's not like M never does it, but the house is clean, in between disasters. At 34, I have no plan on how to keep the house clean. It's something I'm SO bad at, and I know that I've talked about it here before.

I left for class and thought about it and wrote down a cleaning plan. Surely people do not clean the entire house daily... there are zones, right?? When I came home I went to this website that I had come across in the past. Flylady I took some tips from there also.

Last night I cleaned the kitchen. Every dish, fork, and pan is clean. My sink is shiny and my counters are smooth. It took 2 hours, but I was also occasionally interuppted by the boys. This morning when I got up- I made my way to the kitchen- and it was SO CLEAN!!!!!

It felt so good and I am so proud of myself for doing it.

Today's Gratitude List:
1. Even though the babies were up late last night, they were in pretty decent moods and I did not have to be frustrated when I put them in bed.
2. That my kitchen is so clean that there is really only SO much mess that one person (who will probably not get out of bed much today) can do to mess it up.
3. That I have enough money in the bank that it is not going to hurt me to go without my child support check this month.
4. That my friends continue to take my calls even though I know that I am making them crazy.
5. That my brother is safely in New Hampshire visiting his daughters.
6. That no matter how bad yesterday was, it's over now.
7. That I have a plan tonight to clean my bathroom, and go to a meeting. I may not follow the plan, but at least I have one so I will not just be idle.
8. That I have enough Al-Anon and AA literature and speaker tapes and CD's, that if I can't get to a meeting, I can still hear the message and regain some clarity.
9. The 12 steps.

I am ending with that one, cause that's my Amen.

Lost for words

I sent out Easter E-cards this year. I hate that I didn't take the time to buy or make them. I used to make cards with rubber stamps etc. It was a business that I did. I loved it. I loved being creative, and going to peoples homes and sharing that with people. I was good at it too. I stopped because I didn't have the time to do the workshops, and I eventually stopped having time to even stamp. It burns me to spend $3 on a card because I know that I can create something cute, creative, and sometimes even quite beautiful for alot less, with the things that I already own- but I don't have the time (or the space) anymore. Now I will send e-cards, because it's easy and and I do pay for the Blue Mountain account annually. So I send ecards to all my friends for every holiday. But every time I do, I feel guilty for not having the time to make something, because everyone that I would send a e-card too- I truly care about enough to sit down and create something if I had the time to do it.

If I buy a card- it's usually because I am going to actually SEE that person, perhaps give a gift- or if I really want to say something. When it's for someone I love- and I want to say what I can't express in a few short sentences, I have a card buying test: If the card makes me cry, that's the one I buy. It's silly I guess- but it's how I know that it says what I want to say, because sometimes, I just don't know how to express myself quickly.

How do you just say "I'm sorry" when you are too sorry for "I'm sorry."

How do you just say "Happy Birthday" when you are more than just happy that someone is alive and in your life.

How do you say "I love you" when it's so small compared to what you really feel???

How do you say "Congratulations and Good Luck" when you really want to say "Don't Go."

Sometimes the words just don't come out right when I start to write them down. And what I end up writing is stupid and doesn't come close to what I really want to say- so I let the card say what I want to say- and I simply sign my name.

So for those of you that got the E-card, please know that I do care, and I do want to say so much more than "Happy Easter" I want to tell you how blessed I am to have you in my life. That I wish you so much more than a happy spring... that I pray for you often...that I hope your kids find eggs filled with jellybeans and quarters, and that the Easter Bunny brings you Flowers and/ or Barbeque Tools, as well as Marshmallow Peeps (the bunnies AND the chicks). I hope that I can see you soon so I can hug you and tell you how glad I am to see you. And that if I had the time to go to the store and pick out a personal card for you- I would have cried when I found it because it would have said exactly what I wanted it to say, but I just couldn't find the words.

Happy Easter....

julie

You give love... a bad name.

Chapter 2 in "Paths to Recovery" asks, How has the alcoholic situtation changed my sanity?

This makes the assumption that I was sane before I entered into the alcoholic marriage. I can't exactly claim that either. In relation to men, I made lots and lots of choices with men that were mean, stupid, reckless or straight-up crazy.

When I was in high school I started a bad pattern of letting particular boys come around whenever they had a fight with thier REAL girlfriend and then when they would make up, I was set back aside. There were about three of those guys in high school, and probably two more AFTER that. One of them (from high school) is my husband today.... Some girls never learn. Ever.

Had I learned not to be a doormat and somewhat of a slut- I probably would never have ended up in the life I have now. I don't think the alcoholic marriage is what screwed up my sanity. No sane person would have stayed in this life. Something in the wiring, I guess. A girlfriend of mine suggested that I'm just looking for someone to love me. Hell, I've had LOTS of men love me- a few of them still do. They just weren't the RIGHT men.

I don't know if I ever thought that my husband was Mr. Right. I don't know that I believe in that. I don't know that I believe in the idea that there is that one person who is going to fill all your empty spaces. I have met men who come close, real real close. Men who have treated me right, and been respectful and wonderful and gentle and kind- but in the end, I just didn't have enough to offer, I guess. That makes sense. We attract what we put out there. If I put out there that I'm kind of a mess, it's what I will get back. It's certainly what I HAVE gotten back thus far. The good men, didn't know what to do with me.

I dated a guy once who said when we broke up, "You know, I really love being around you- but lately, I'm starting to get these headaches...."

All I could do is thank him for his honesty. He was probably the only one who made me laugh on his way out.

So maybe my sanity was not intact when I GOT married. It probably explains why I got married in the first place. What sane person would consider the life that was ahead of me and say "I do"? A sane person would have said, "Are you f'en crazy??" But I think this situtaion, and being in Al-Anon and learning to be honest with myself has made me MORE sane than I've ever been.

So what has the alcoholic situation done to my sanity. Well, in a round about way, it's made me realize that I was lacking it before I got here- and and it's even helped me get some of it back.

Maybe I need a pet

I am thinking alot this morning on expectations and how I am frustrated that I do not get the response from other people that I feel I deserve. The Al-Anon Courage to Change has about 6 different entries on expectations and I read them all and tried to get what I could. I came up with these ideas...

Stop going to the hardware store for bread. This I know. I have been doing it my whole life, it seems, turning to those who can't or won't give me what I need and then feeling stupid for thinking I was going to get it in the first place. If I go to the hardware store, I will only get hardware.

Having expectations is premeditated resentment. When I expect things of other people, for people to act or re-act a certain way, I am setting them up to fail because how can anyone else know exactly what I want if I don't voice those needs. But let me take a second to acknowledge how much it pisses me off that Al-Anon has forever ruined my ideals of resentment and holding a grudge. If I'm resentful, it's because I expected something. So then it's my own fault. Yeah yeah, it's not about 'fault' (I can hear my sponsors voice in my head). But essentially I have to take responsibility for my own feelings...why am I upset, why am I resentful, what were my expectations- and in essence, how can I turn it all around and blame myself for it?? Talk about taking the wind out of your sails....

Maybe what I want is a pet. The book suggested that we want someone who is there for us, but who doesn't impose too much upon us. Of course, I have had some pretty demanding cats and even that is too much for me some days....

My point I guess, is that I am feeling really frustrated because I caught myself having expectations about a situation when I should not have. Some things in life just ARE what they ARE, and if I can, I need to enjoy them for what they ARE, not what I want them to be. Part of me wonders how nice it would be if everything just went my way... but then, God knows how well I have managed my own life up until now. Imagine the chaos if I got everything I ever wanted....where would I put it all??

Yeah, nix the pet idea, I already have 4 dogs in the house....

D-man rocks!

This is my 100th post!!! And so I thought I'd SuperSize it and bring in a guest blogger cause I'm so damn cool and modern.

So I have asked the D-Man to write something and lighten the mood around here, cause I check his blog religiously- and I wanted to do something damn cool and modern.

I'm in the middle of midterms and unfortuately not fairing too well so far. More on that later... and now- I present to you, the D-Man!!!

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You know how some countries have bears or eagles or tigers or dragons as their national mascot?

New Zealand has the Kiwi.

No, not the fruit.

Which is actually originally from China.

I mean the bird.

It’s small, fat, flightless, and too scared to come out during the day. Probably because it knows it’s endangered…

I’m not sure what that particular feathered symbolism says about my nation.

To be honest, I think I’d rather have a kiwifruit as a national mascot. At least people can choke to death eating Kiwifruit.

Cool.

The non-fruit kiwi does have a HUGE

Beak, though.

Which it uses to terrify snails and assorted bugs.

That’s the problem with New Zealand.

We don’t really have any dangerous wildlife here.

And I reckon you’re not living life on the edge unless you can wake up in the morning and leave your house and risk getting mauled by a cougar or a dingo or an elephant or a rabid koala bear.

Or the odd poisonous snake or spider.

I guess that’s why NZers invent stupid things like bungee jumping and jet boating and electric fences. To compensate for the not-so-wild and dangerous wildlife.

That said, we do have this one bird, an alpine parrot, known as the Kea.

It’s a vicious little mutha, with a reputation for ripping cars apart with its sharp beak.

In fact, its reputation is so bad, that the organisers of a vintage car rally held here last month had to hire Karate experts to fight the birds and keep the vehicles safe.

I shit you not.

If we have to have a bird as a mascot, then surely that would be way cooler than a fat little Endangered Species List bird that can’t even fly.

I will say this for the kiwi (bird) though:

It is very nice and juicy and flightlessness makes for an easy catch..

You can really taste the endangeredness. Goes nicely with a few slices of Kiwifruit.

And it’s almost as good as eating panda, or a baby dolphin….

Yum.

Why I still go to meetings.....

My next post will be my 100th post. To celebrate the fact that I have kept up with this for 100 posts, I have asked a guest blogger- cause I'm so damn modern.... he has accepted, but now I am fretting that he will change his mind and realize that I'm just not good enough for his writing.
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This morning I dragged my ass to an Al-Anon meeting. I haven't been in at least a month, I think. And I have no really good reason other than I just have things to do on Saturdays. Upon walking in the door (early!) I was greeting by a few regular attendees. I sat alone and quiet and waited for the meeting to begin, all the while wondering if I even belonged here?- maybe I would leave at the break, maybe I would leave before the closing prayer. The meeting always starts with 1/4 of the people in attendance. There were about 7 people when it started, about 25 people about 1/2 way through, and maybe 20 people at the end. I can't explain that.
I love this meeting though.
There are usually anywhere from 5-10 men in attendance, which is nice because it feels good to hear a man's perspective. Alot of the attendees also go to some different meeting, maybe AA, NA, or a different 12 step program, as well as a few people in counseling. While in general, the topics stay focused on the Al-Anon principles, we do share on psychological things too. One of my favorite meetings were about 'self-parenting' and 'my inner child' in which I stated that my inner child is a scared little whiny bitch who I just try to keep quiet....
Anyway, being early to the meeting, you usually get picked to read some of the literature- which I always love to do, because sometimes when you read it outloud, you really READ it- and not just listen to someone else read what you have heard a thousand times over. So today I managed to pick out the longest reading there is, Understanding Ourselves.
I don't remember if I have shared a section of this literature before but I'm going to do it again. Each meeting can 'choose' it's own literature to read, but I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting anywhere what does not read this one. It bears repeating again and again...

Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel it was something we did or did not do- that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to solve this problem for the one we love. These are our feelings of guilt.

For newcomers, who hear this for the first time- it is usually at this point in the reading that the crying starts, if they were not crying when they walked in the door. I know for me, I felt that it was my fault because for all my efforts, I could not help him. I have said this many times... "Nothing that I did EVER stopped him from doing whatever it was he wanted to do" It means that all of my best efforts never made a damn difference to an addict who needed his fix. And while I know that, I also remember that it still felt like hell at the time, and still feels pretty crappy today.

So anyway, I was reading this literature and I realized why I still go to meetings. Because it reminds me of where I've been. It reminds me that what has happened in my marriage and happened to my LIFE, has made me into the person that I AM, good and bad. The shot to my self esteem, the loss of my self image, the crippling of my spirit, the damage to my very soul- can be explained in that first sentence. "Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault." I know a lot of people who have parents and siblings who are addicts, and they are not anywhere close to being damaged by it. Perhaps it's because they never blamed themself for it. I salute these people, but I am not one of them. Not by a long shot, baby.

I'm grateful for Maxwell House....

I thought to post a gratitude list today. Just feeling that... Life doesn't suck today, so lets acknowledge that...but first- some coffee. And yours truly just made a fresh pot because it makes the nurses like me. So I walk over and pour myself a wonderful cup of life giving caffiene... and there is no creamer. None. No creamer, or "nada" as the Sodexo gal tells me. Milk? We look in the little fridge, "nada". So I make a trip to the basement and get some creamer from the cafeteria. I don't know if getting creamer, but no coffee constitutes as stealing, I certainly hope not. I should have gotten some extra creamer, because my boss is going to want coffee when she gets here- but I think she might be ok without creamer, or hopefully by the time she gets here- they will have replenished the coffee station..

Ok, so my gratitude list is going to have to be short because I spent 15 minutes getting creamer for my coffee....but it's a well spent 15 minutes and without it, I become psycho/machete girl and people don't like her.

So here's what I am grateful for right now, and you know, it's the simple things in life that make my life worth getting out of bed at all....

1. My coffee is now the perfect temperature to drink.
2. My sister gave me this really awesome lipstick that does not wear off, seriously, for at least 5 hours.
3. Went out to dinner with my family last night- including my husband.
4. Husband and I are getting along pretty well lately. This morning, as I am five minutes out of bed, he stopped me in the hall way and hugged me for a what seemed like quite a long time, and I didn't hate it.
5. My kids are healthy and only minimally scarred by having me as a mom.
6. My brother will be out of Iraq for two weeks in a month. I'm so excited to see him and I will be able to give him a sizeable check for the van I am buying from him.
7. I love my van.
8. I got out on Saturday night, went drinking and had a great time, and made it home safely. And while I had a bitch of a hangover, I received no guilt from husband for having some fun.
9. I love my job and I could not ask for a better boss.
10. My friends are awesome.
11. After quite a scare, it turns out that one of my friends does NOT have cancer!!!!
12. My sister burned me a copy of The Go Go's Greatest Hits, and you know...what? We really DO got the beat!!

I'm out.
-j

10 years in prison for getting a blow job!!

Lately I have been just baffled with this news story. The 17 year old with a promising future who is going to jail for 10 years, for getting a blow job??

Let me start with the latter story, because you know...I watched the news. I saw the video. That boy was leaning BACK on the bed with his hands behind him, while that girl was doin her thing, or really- HIS thing, and the things of 4 other boys too. How can anyone claim that it was not consentual. Yeah yeah, legal age of consent.... sure.... but you know, I was 15 once. I know what I was doing. And I consented to it.

I feel for this girl, because maybe it was the humiliation of the whole slutty thing being on tape- her going from guy to guy to guy...christ girl...to guy...sigh...to guy. But really, nobody was forcing you.

Ugh...it's disturbing, yes. But you know honey, those are your consequences. I feel for this girls' mother- who I HOPE feels bad that a kid who would have had a future, is going to come out of jail in 10 years, probably not even a shadow of the man he could have been otherwise- all because he let HER daughter suck his dick. I guess those are his consequences too. But the punishment does not come close to fitting the crime. I have no idea what the legal age of consent is in California. No clue. Based on the way the girls are dressing now a days, I would be shocked if it was 16. I had started my senior in high school when I was 16. My first 'experience' (not sex) was when I was a freshmen- you do the math. And that was 20+ years ago- I doubt that the girls have gotten less promiscuous.

Did you see the movie 13?? Yeah, scary as hell for parents, and not totally inaccurate.

I think personal responsibility has to come in to play for all parties involved. Perhaps this boy and his 4 buddies should have known it was indecent for all that to happen. Perhaps they should have more respect for women than that. They should have thought about if that 15 year old girl was thier friend, thier cousin, or thier baby sister- and someone should have said, "honey- you better go."

Perhaps the girl should have had more self respect. Who knows what she was thinking. Maybe she was drinking. I don't remember. But apparently alot of sex was going on at that party, because this same kid was acquitted on rape charges for having sex with another girl that same night. (THAT video tape made it clear that it was consentual) So apparently that was the kind of party that it WAS- so what the hell are you doing there???

Disturbing as it is at a young age. In general, it's ok if you like sex. If Madonna has taught us anything, she taught us that it's ok to want to get laid once in a while. But take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for your actions, your whereabouts. This girl put 5 young men in jail, and not because they tied her down and raped her- but because she made her way around the room to get to each of them- ON VIDEO TAPE, no less.

Three boys from Orange County, CA- each got 6 years for sexual assault that was also on video tape. THAT seems more worthy of a 10 year sentence.

And why do these idiots put everything on video???

I love this song

http://www11.rapidupload.com/d.php?file=dl&filepath=17436 .

My song came home on Sunday with "Best O Boingo" in his CD player. How awesome is it that my 11 year old has good taste in music. And I had not heard this song in ages, and I love it. Probably one of my all time favorites.

A jillion years ago, a boy who I was pretty good friends with, Jason McEachran- super duper hottie guy, decided that he liked me as more than a friend and wanted to go out with me- or something.... we did the or something....I'm not sure if we ever actually went out. Anyway, I remember he wrote the words out to this song....

So I thought I'd share it.....