New and Improved

I decided to move this over cause my old blog was meant to be set up for Al-Anon and really I have ventured away from it. No reason other than I just don't have the time to commit. I was linked to a recovery site so I don't want people looking for a recovery link to venture over and listen to me bitch about things not related, but I didn't want to take it down, so I decided to start new- fresh. It was having the not so fresh feeling. So leave me comments, bitches. Stopped by- got bored, left. I'm a whore for traffic, I'm a whore for a lot of things. I'm famous in my own living room.

I will start out with one of those stupid 100 things about me, and hopefully I can think of 100. Enjoy me! And leave me comments.

1. Julie, Do Ya Love Me is a song from Bobby Sherman. I've had it sung to me lots of times.
2. I don't mind that I drive a mini-van, but sometimes I wish it was small and sexy.
3. I have three sons and am separated from my husband of 7 years.
4. I don't like carrots, but my mother still puts carrots on my plate and I if she isn't looking, I throw them away.
5. I love my mothers cooking more than anyone else's.
6. I am content to know that I will never cook as well as she does.
7. My eldest brother is a US Marine.
8. I do not tell him often enough how proud I am of him, even though I suspect my opinion means very little.
9. My older brother is NOT a US Marine.
10. I almost never tell him how much I love him, but I hope he knows it anyway.
11. My older sister is my hero- even though we don't always agree.
12. My mother is the voice in my head. I will probably never stop wanting her approval.
13. I realize I will never have her approval- but I know she loves me.
14. Sometimes it really sucks being the youngest, nobody expects much, until I disappoint them, and then I am sadly reminded that 'they expected more from me'.
15. My real father died when I was 9. I have very little memories of him.
16. My first step dad died when I was 22. I try to block out the bad memories, and focus on the good ones.
17. When I say, "My dad" I am usually not talking about my real father.
18. I think about my real father every day when I go to work.
19. I work in a hospital. The last place I saw my real father was in a hospital.
20. I have serious daddy issues.
21. I have abandonment issues.
22. I have generalized anxiety disorder.
23. I take medication for it.
24. When I forget to take it, after about three days I become an unbearable bitch.
24. I am not USUALLY a bitch.
25. I think that being in love is the greatest feeling in the world.
26. I realize that being in love is not enough to make a relationship work.
27. I have loved many men who I could not make it work with.
28. Nice boys rarely know how to deal with me.
29. Bad boys break my heart.
30. I have very little heart left to break, so I think I'm safe either way.
31. I went to my 10 year reuinion in 1999 and I was the only one who gained a pound in 10 years.
32. I met my husband in high school.
33. I think that my husband really is the love of my life. Refer to #26.
34. I don't know if I will ever get married again, but I hope so.
35. I am learning to appreciate the joys of being single.
36. Sometimes I watch my kids cartoons, even if they are not home.
37. My younger step-sister, is a good and true friend, even though I think we would kill each other if we tried to figure the other person out.
38. My family is the base of who I am.
39. Sometimes I feel very different from them- but I think as a group, it all makes sense.
40. My brothers girlfriend is one of the most amazing women I know, even though I don't think she gets me either.
41. I have a friend who has cancer and I am terrified for her because she doesn't seem to be scared at all.
42. I hate that I am at the age where my friends will start to get things like cancer.
43. I am in the middle of a mid life crisis, even though I think that if I define it as a crisis, it's no longer a crisis.
44. I have a twisted sense of humor in the way that sometimes I think very innapropriate jokes and comments are funny.
45. Innapropriate comment #1 - "If I wasn't so stupid he wouldn't hit me."
46. I have been hit twice.
47. The first time, I had it coming.
48. I'm suprised I have not been hit more.
49. Sometimes I do not know when to shut up.
50. I am not very tall or strong, but when provoked, I think I'm fucken Wonder Woman.
51. I have a fear that someday, someone will prove to me that I'm NOT Wonder Woman and beat the ever-lovin out of me because I pushed too far.
52. I have a terribly dirty mouth. I cuss like a man.
53. I love calling people, 'bitch'.
54. I am not afraid of the word 'cunt'. Go ahead, say it- it's liberating. "CUUUNNNNNT!!!" If you are afraid, do it in the privacy of your car.
55. I think 'cunt' should be the new 'bitch' because 'bitch' has become 'ass'. Not even a bad word anymore.
56. Boys like me cause I say the word, "cunt". Direct quote, "Your sister is the coolest chick ever, she just said 'cunt'"
57. I am a shameless flirt and I love cute boys.
58. I don't care if people think I'm slutty. I'm 35 and it's ok to want to get laid every once in a while.
59. Shit, 100 is alot. I'M bored with myself.
60. My favorite blogs are PostSecret and D-Man.
61. I have a different list of favorites too- but those are Xrated.
62. I feel like many of the secrets in PostSecret are mine.
63. I am envious of women who truly aspire to be good wives.
64. I was not a great wife.
65. I try to be a good mother, but some days I want to lock myself in my room.
66. If I could afford it, I would have more kids but I not because I want a daughter.
67. I have a step daughter, and I'm content with that.
68. So far, being a single mom is harder than raising kids in an unhappy marriage.
69. My marriage was unhappy because we struggled with addiction.
70. Drug and alcohol addiction is the worst thing that ever happened to my life, and I wasn't even the one using.
71. Sometimes I wished that I had the problem, so that way I could just be irresponsible and blame whole segments of my life on vodka or crack.
72. I am too lazy and too cheap for a drug or alcohol problem.
73. I am afraid that my children will grow up and become addicts.
74. I am almost certain that at least one will, because that's the way it usually happens.
75. It will probably NOT be the one that I suspect it will be either.
76. I can talk about addiction, and sex until I am blue in the face.
77. The only drug I have ever tried is pot, and I didn't hate it at all.
78. I love movies. Romance, comedy, sometimes a good action film.
79. Pornography (18+) does not bother me at all.
80. I have let two people take naked pictures of me. The second one, I had totally forgotten about until he reminded me. He said he destroyed them. I have no idea where the first set of naked pictures are, but I was 16- so it's child porn now and I suspect someone will get arrested for admitting they have them.
81. I like writing erotica and I think I'm good at it.
82. I love big guys, and bald guys. A big bald guy is like candy to me.
83. I am afraid that my husband will kill himself.
84. There are many days when I totally understand why he wants to die.
85. It was hard to admit that I could not help him, and I had to walk away to save my own life.
86. Sometimes I miss him, and other times I am happy he is gone. He exhausts me.
87. I have a good sense of humor about how crazy my life has become.
88. I think the sexiest thing a man can have is a sense of humor.
89. I am secretly amused by corny jokes and innapropriate references to sex.
90. I am a true believer in, "it's always the quiet ones...."
91. I'm a cheap date and a cheaper drunk.
92. The best compliment I ever got was on a Christmas Wish List when I was 18. A guy said All he wanted for Christmas was me.
93. He had me that Christmas and he could probably have me this Christmas if he wanted me.
94. I usually hate the holidays, but this year I am going to try to simply celebrate having a new life.
95. Thanksgiving is my least hated holiday.
96. I have three piercings, the third one was a gift to myself for my 35th birthday. It was the most liberating thing I have ever done and I have pictures to prove it.
97. I'm looking back over this list and thinking that I am not very interesting at all.
98. I don't want to be alone, but I know that I can.
99. I was afraid of being alone, but I'm not anymore.
100. If you stayed through the end of this list, I appreciate it- and hope you leave this Attention Whore a comment.

My birthday...

So I'm 35. Thirty five.

Thirty five feels older than 34 did. I never felt like, "I'm getting old" before- not in any real sense. Birthdays would come and go and I'd still feel like I was still young. I don't feel so young anymore. I see people who I see as 'older'- and am a year or two older than they are.

But there are some things I have learned about myself that makes my age worth it I guess. I think I come equipped with some life wisdom. Just because my life is sometimes still a mess, it doesn't mean that I don't know a thing or two. So at least I am not a 'stupid' 35- contrary to popular belief. I think I still give off the persona that I am looking for answers. I'm not. I don't want the answers anymore. People rarely learn from the mistakes of others. And many people make the same mistakes. It's just the way life is.

My husband and I seem to be getting along pretty well these days. His distance makes all the difference in the world. Just seeing him evey few weeks, I find him funny and charming and even kinda cute. It's good for the boys to see us get along. It's also important for us too. I don't want to feel that I wasted these last 7 years. I think I heard Dr. Phil say once that if you split up and you can't even have a conversation, that you still have so much unfinished business together. We don't have any unfinished business. Just children, but that's not business, that's family. And I'd like to think that we will always be somewhat of a family.

For my birthday I went out and had some drinks with some friends from work. That was a fun evening, complete with me drunk and disrobing... don't ask. On Sunday I went out to dinner with my siblings who I also share a birthday weekend with and my brother Rick, who is home from Iraq. That was really the best thing that could have happened for my birthday. To have him home safe and back with the ones he loves- that is what matters. That's family.

Welcome home, Rick.

50,000 words.....

My dear and best friend is doing this thing for National Novel Writing Month where you crank out 50,000 words in 30 days. It doesn't have to be GOOD- or gramatically correct, but the idea, I guess is that once you put 50,000 words down, well- you've done SOMETHING that you may have not completed or even strived for. He mentioned it to me about 3 days ago. He sent me the web link 2 days ago and it's been milling in my inbox. Sitting and freaking me out, much like the dead bug in the kitchen. The must have come in and treated my house bugs, cause I keep finding these fuckers- on thier back- just in the middle of nowhere- struggling to flip over or something. So I spray them with bug cleaner and give them some time to die. Usually forgetting they are there and 30 minutes later, I go back and it scared the hell out of me that I have a dead bug in the middle of the floor. Oh right- THAT. These are the things having a husband was good for.

Anyway- 50K words. If I started TOMORROW- I'd have 22 days and that's 2300 words a day. My last essay was 1800. I could write 2300 words in a day. But every day for 22 days? Oh I don't know. It would feel good. It would feel fucking great really- to have something to focus on, somewhere to place my mental energy. I wish I had known about it sooner, but then I would have simply mulled over it and talked myself out of it for reasons other than the missing 8 days. Well I have until tomorrow to think about it.

What would I write about. Lately I've been writing a lot of personal stuff, stuff I don't share with those I know and love. But this is a fiction thing. It's not a contest really, other than being acknowledged as someone who finished it. It seems like about 15% of the people who sign up actually finish- so even if I didn't finish, it would still be something.

The postitive is that I was thinking about giving up sex for a month. Parter and solo. All of it. I was thinking that perhaps it would clear my head- help me focus more. Keep me away from men, and all the shit that screws with my head. Those of you who know me should probably stop laughing so people think you are working, or at least keep it down so you don't wake up the kids. Yes, I was thinking of giving up sex. Not just sex, but the things, and people that keep sex on my brain. Focus on me and school and the kids and taking care of my house and going on complete hiatus from men and the whole god forsaken scenario. But like choclate or sugary cereal, as soon as I can't have it- I crave it. It goes on sale and everyone is offering me some.

But I admit, I have been stuck. Feeling emotionally drained, apathetic and disconnected. From school, my kids, my job- everything. I thought I should channel some energy and perhaps I would feel better. Of course I am dozing off sitting here at the computer. My energy is channeling just fine and I bore MYSELF.... but if I DID decide to do this, then I could give up the crazy no-sex option. Really, it's a stupid idea and I'd cave.

Anyway- I wanted to finish a blog post- I have 4 of them saved as drafts, unfinished. I can't complete a blog post lately- 50,000 words in 22 days. I think it might be easier to give up the sex.

Some pics of me and the boys

We were having fun being silly with the camera!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!

I can only disappoint ONE person every day- and today is YOUR lucky day!!!

I have been emailing links to The Panda Cam all week. It's just so darn cute. I didn't think I gave a damn about the Panda's or at least why it was world news, but you know, I find myself spending a lot of time watching that baby and mama.

So I have been just fried lately. Feeling overwhelmed and apathetic and like I just can't keep up with my life, not cause I'm so busy and SO important, but just cause I don't have the mental energy to give everything enough attention, so I'm not giving ANYTHING enough attention. I have been absent from my friends, subpar in my work, barely dedicated to my education. I feel like all the balls are going to hit the floor soon. I need to give myself some breathing room- and allow myself the opportunity to do A FEW THINGS right, instead of doing EVERYTHING wrong. One day last week I told my boss, "You know- I just don't think I can disappoint anyone else today- so you are going to have to give me break."

I've decided to make some changes in how I manage my time- and I think it will help me feel less overwhelmed. It's hard to back off of my commitments- even if it's just a few of them. I feel like I am failing. Like I couldn't cut it- and that people are going to say, "well, good for you for knowing what's best" but then be THINKING "I KNEW she would break under all this pressure."

I guess it's my time to lose it. I've been asking for quite some time now, when is it going to be ok for me to fall apart, when is it MY turn for the emotional breakdown? Apparently, the time has come.

Bring on the booze,
and the hot 21 year olds....
Mama's havin a meltdown.....

Hands off.

This morning I was listening to Marianne Williamson on Oprah and Friends. I have read some of her books. She is very inspiring. And she was talking to Wayne Dyer , who I am not familiar with, but he is another spiritual guru of sorts. They talked about forgiveness and the situation with the school shooting in that Amish community. How the families of the victims embraced that family of the gunman and how that truly is a sense of wholeness when you can forgive such things. He spoke as a recovered addict, and having had worked with addicts as well. That always catches my attention because I have a lot of respect for those who can survive the ultimate hell that is addiction. To me, these people are fighters and have just as much strength and courage to fight as those who battle other diseases.

They spoke about being in dark places, and simply feeling that. Being IN that dark place and not grasping. Not fighting the situation, and just accepting it. Being there and not struggling to escape it. He spoke of one the core concepts in AA- which is Let Go and Let God. Before I had a higher power, I struggled with this- because my questions was "Let God do WHAT?"

He also said something that seems so simplistic, but I'm sure very true for those that live it. That the only problem we truly have is being disconnected from our higher power. (He said God) I thought about that on my drive to work- and asked myself the question I have asked time and time again.

Who is your higher power today, Julie?

Pastor Ed told me that your higher power is whatever you spend the most time thinking about. Which is a pretty scary thought, but really, whatever that is, is what drives you. What motivates you and what dictates a lot of what you do. Regardless how good or bad it is, it is what it is. And I have learned that to Let Go and Let God means, let go of whatever it is that I can't handle, and let my higher power do it for me. Now if I am going to do that- I better have a higher power that is not self destructive. I better not put all my eggs into a basket with a hole in the bottom.

On to my point....
This evening I found myself wrapped up and feeling like I was trapped. I had information, and with this information I created fear that I was going to be faced with a situation that I would not handle the way I should handle it, assuming that I was called to handle it.

So stressed out and panicked, I made a phone call to a trusted friend... who listened and then said, "I am trying to figure out exactly HOW this is your problem?" Laugh laugh laugh... but she was right.

I later called my Al-Anon friend- and as I was telling her the story, in a little more detail cause that's what we girls d0- it came clear to me that I had information that I LOOKED FOR. Nobody offered it to me. I was afraid of receiving a phone call to deal with a situation that I was not even included in- and worrying about poorly handling a decision I was not even being called on to make.

Christine calls this borrowing trouble. I think mine is on lease with an option to buy. Either that or it's purchased with a no return policy. Either way. I realize that this situation is not my problem. The information I have, does nothing. It does not change anything for me. If I had it or not, the way I should behave does not change. And really- nobody has asked me to do anything. What the hell am I getting so worked up about???

So I have to let it go. The information, the problem, the phone call, the dilemma. Let it go. It's not on my plate. It's not my problem, and if it becomes my problem it's because I accept it to take on. I have choices today and after much fret and debate I am choosing to let it go. I will deal with a decision when one is needed from me, until then. Hands off.

That's the beauty of detachment. It allows me to do nothing, if I am not required to do anything. It gives me the permission to keep my head where my feet are and not worry about what is going on over there. It tells me that I SHOULD mind my own business and let other people deal with thier own lives and thier own consequences. I know that I am very grateful when people give me the dignity to live my own life, not matter how much they think I am screwing things up. I am not abandoning anyone, I am allowing someone else the freedom to make mistakes.... wow- I could talk this out until I break out in fucking song.....

But you know what I mean....

This is the freedom from the bondage of self.

Man, I love this Program.

Comfort in chaos...

Yesterday I asked why I was so unhappy, and not too long after, I figured it out.

My husband came over last night to spend some time with the boys. He had been at his sisters over the weekend and came by last night so I could study and he was going to give the boys dinner, a bath and get them in bed. It was unclear if he was going to sleep in thier room or if he was going to go back to his sisters but it made no difference to me.

The boys however, decided to morph into demon spawns and were just impossible all day. In retrospect I should have taken a break from studying mid day and taken them to the park or something to blow off steam- but you know, mom's got a midterm this week... Anyway, by the time husband showed up- I was on my last nerve and the boys were also frustrated and hard to deal with. In the end, he was frustrated with them as well. He and I were yelling at each other. The kids were angry about being put to bed.

And I felt...

strangely...

settled.

I went to bed before I even asked if he was staying overnight with the boys- and I slept, SOUNDLY, for the first time since he left. And I didn't wake up once until the alarm went off this morning.

For so many years I have been living with so much chaos and hostility that I am used to it. I know how to live in this battle zone. I can hear the voices of my friends telling me what I already know.... unhealthy. destructive. codependent. sick sick sick.

I know.

But this is why I am unhappy, because I am out of my comfort zone. It's not up to anyone to define my comfort zone. This is what I know. Disappointment, turmoil, hostility and anger is what I am used to. Eventually I will find comfort in the things that are supposed to comfort me, but until then- I have no choice but to keep following the idea that things will get better in time. Because I can't slip backwards to that life of chaos- because it's the life I am trying to escape and I can't forget that.

Again, doing the right thing, rarely feels as good as it should.

Step One....

It went to a meeting yesterday- the first in a long time. I said that I would, as soon as Michael moved out. I really needed it. The comfort I received walking in the room. The understanding and love in my Saturday group is better than any other meeting I've ever been to. I closed my eyes and listened to the opening readings- letting the words stick to my heart and willing them to perfuse into my blood stream.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have admitted my powerlessness over alcohol. And over most things. I have control issues, of course, but I realize that I cannot control other people. I cannot fight someone elses demons and I cannot force anyone to think, act or feel a certain way.

Is my life unmanageable? In some ways, not so much. What other people have seen as crazy and unheard of in my life- was simply my way of coping. I am sure that I could have thrown my husband out long ago- not given him time and not allowed him to take advantage of me for a few more months. But I didn't do it for him as much as I did it for me. Today, I can live with my decision. A few months ago, I don't think I could have. Oddly, there IS a method to my madness- and I think for me, it's all about the BIG PICTURE. Making myself happy right now sounds great, and usually feels great- but I think it takes greater sacrifice to be happy in the long run. So I can suffer a little in the short term, if I truly believe there will be less emotional consequences in the long term.

But back to my original question. Is my life unmanageable? It must be, because now that I have got what I wanted, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of me. Nothing FEELS important to me right now. I seem to care less and less about the goals that I had. Going to school has lost it's charm. For all I try to do to kick start my motivation, it's just not there. I don't care. Some days I just want to quit- and why? So I can get more sleep. So I have LESS to do. Because I just don't care right now.

Of course, I won't quit. Of course I will keep moving forward and just finish what I started. I'm so close. Next semester I will be a senior in college. I will be applying for graduate school. I will have my masters degree before my 40th birthday. 6 months ago that was the biggest thing I could imagine for myself. Today I am just wondering if it will be worth the extra $20K it is going to cost me.

I have an overwhelming urge to bail. To get in my car and drive and drive until I end up in a new life. I'm restless and I'm exhausted. I know that I am not pleasant to be around. Is this depression? Anxiety? A mid life crisis? I don't know. I feel that I am in a constant state of PMS and even if people want to be around me, I am convinced that they don't.

Going back and forth with what I think I'm feeling- I can't pinpoint exactly what. It's like dropping a bag of marbles on the floor- they scatter and roll in every direction. My life has a lot of promise right now. And yet, it is still unmanageable because I have no appreciation for it.

I am on the verge of everything good.

Why am I so unhappy?

Don't you remember the day, that you went away and left me?

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights
I have left, for you, behind.
Cause you don't belong to me.
Your heart belongs
to someone else.

Why should I keep loving you,
When I know that you're not true?
And why should I call your name
When you're to blame
For making me blue....

====

Freddy Fender died. My dad loved him. He used to sing this song, and "I'll be there before the next teardrop falls."- which still makes me cry whenever I hear it because I think it was his favorite.

600 calories of dinosaur shaped snacks

I decided to get involved at school. I was sitting in the Health Care Administration Student Forum, with the other people in my academic program. I have had one class with almost everyone in that room. These are my academic peers- and I don't even know most of thier names. I am the last one in to class, and usually out the door without talking to anyone.

I was hoping to go to college, get good grades, get my degree and get out. Keep my head down and my mouth shut, don't get involved. I am too old to benefit from the college experience. And while I believe that it many ways that is true- I realized that I am denying myself good opportunity by not getting involved. So perhaps I will join the Student Forum next week. Maybe volunteer for some of the charity stuff that they are doing. I joined the Leadership Academy tonight, which seems to be a series of 'training/enrichment" seminars that will help you in your career. I signed up for 4 of the 8 seminars I need to take to complete the whole thing. It will look good on my Graduate School application and the seminars are things like "Creating Vision" and "Multiculturalism" and stuff like that so I'm sure I will learn. Also I get to wear some fancy thing at Graduation. And I like fancy things.

So I am trying to be positive about it and not change my mind. I feel a wreck tonight however. I just ate a box of fruit snacks. It's the only thing sweet in the house. A whole box. That's like 60 fruit snacks. That's way too many fruit snacks!! And for all I was hoping it would do to me, with my "Eat til it stops hurting" philosophy- it really only made me feel kinda sick.

Conversation with fear.

I was reading my daily OM this morning and it talked about Fear and that fear is there for a reason, it tells us that we are on the edge of our comfort level. And then it says something about conversing with fear for a greater understanding of the changes. Talk to the fear. I wonder what my fear looks like? I see her as a child. Me as a child. How would that conversation go?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Hello Fear. We are going to take a walk.
Where are we going?
Someplace new.
Do we have to go?
Yes.
Why?
Because we can't stay here any longer. It's not safe here.
How do you know it's safe there where we are going?
I don't.
Well then why do we have to go?
Because I know that it's not safe here.
I can't.
We have to.
I don't want to.
You have to trust me.
Trust YOU? Why should we trust you? All of your best efforts have gotten us here. To this place that is not safe. Why should we trust you??
Because I am the lesser of the two evils.
What if we get lonely?
We probably will.
What if we need help?
We probably will.
What if we get our heart broken?
We might.
So give me a better reason why we have to go there?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


She makes a compelling argument. My "inner child" has always been kind of a whiny little bitch.

Think of a man, then remove all reason and accountablity.

Sometime I just can't help how I feel. No matter how much logic I apply to the situation, I can't help but just feel my feelings. Today is kind of like a wave and I can't seem to swim, or walk towards shore.

My husband, having been in the hopspital all last week and not packed, ready to move out, as discussed, agreed and promised- came home from on Saturday, went straight to bed and didn't get up again until this morning. His parents showed up to pick him up and he threw a few boxes of clothes together and grabbed his medications. Leaving everything else. He said good bye to the boys and to me he said, "See ya"- without even looking at me. I know I can't exactly be his best friend or anything- I mean, when I was bringing him clothes to the hospital, buying his cigarettes, and giving him money- well aint she sweet... but now, I guess that's over and I should not expect any niceties.

His mother barely spoke to me and his father did not even say hello. I don't know if they are angry at me, or just at the situation. I gues they have to take sides. Either way- it's always great to feel like a wretched bitch- and he played his card perfectly by sinking into his depression just in time. I can set my watch by it. So now he looks like the sick victim, and I look like a bitch. It was hard to see him say good bye to the boys- Gabe seemed to know that something was happening. He cried as soon as he left. I've been crying all day. I'm not even sure why.

I think I will feel a little better tomorrow, or maybe the day after that....

Today I feel kind of lousy. Guilty-lousy. Angry-lousy. I think after all the time we've spent together. All the chances I gave him, all the leeway, after everything that son of a bitch put me through- I think he should have had the decency to leave with some dignity. He has no right to carry on that way, like he is being thrown out onto the streets. Don't limp away, groaning with every step (apparently he was in some sort of pain) as if I had just finished beating him with a shovel. Don't be such a goddamn pussy about it. You screwed this up. You destroyed this family, this marriage and this woman so don't walk outa here like you were the victim, cause I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!!!!! Now take off your dress, strap on a pair and BE A FUCKING MAN FOR A CHANGE!!!

Hm, I feel a little better already.....

The trouble with detachment

The trouble with the idea of detachment is that you let go of what is not yours to control. If you have having issues with someone behavior, the most you can do is voice your thoughts or needs- and then allow the other person the dignity to make thier own decision as to what thier next action will be. Detach from the situation because it is no longer yours to deal with. Did I lose you?? Sometimes I lose ME in that scenario.

So if someone has said or is behaving in a way that I find unacceptable- I can only control my response to it. So I say, "hey that's not cool and I don't want to be around this." and then I walk. I stap back, I leave the situation alone because I cannot CONTROL the actions of the other person- I can only control my own. So I detach with love, or in some cases with hate, but either way- I detach. I let go of the results and my side of the 'street' is clean because I have not manipulated, lied or tricked to get my way. I simply tie my message to the balloon and let it go.

The problem with letting go of the control, is just that. I NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL. I find it hard to leave the results up to someone else because then there is a greater chance that they will not be the results that I want. If I still retain a sense of control, I do not have as much fear. Fear is what we go through when we don't have control. And I am not good at relinquishing control. All these years in Al-Anon and I still can't get that 'detach and let go of the results' thing down. It's not in my blood.

Damn I'm tired. I need to put my misery away for one day and see how tomorrow turns out.

Nails in the fence

Daily OM Horoscope

You may feel vulnerable today and at the mercy of all who might criticize your actions or choices. An offhand and thoughtless comment made by a colleague, relative, or friend can injure you to the core if you feel overly sensitive. This susceptibility can leave you feeling exposed and prone to emotional outbursts. Yet you may be able to curb your sensitivity by remembering that you likely have little control over how people in your personal and professional spheres interpret the world. What one person deems irrational may seem quite logical to another. Should you find yourself feeling hurt by denigration today, remind yourself that the judgment was in all likelihood not intended to cause you pain and then simply move on with your life.
============

Simply move on with my life. Sounds so easy. Last night in class our teacher told that story about the father who wanted to teach his son a lesson about saying mean and cutting remarks and had him hammer a nail into the fence every time he made a comment like that. And then once he stopped making those comments, he removed a nail for every day he didn't make those kinds of comments and then once all the nails were removed, they analyzed the fence and noticed all the holes, and how you can remove the "nail" (I'm sorry. ect), but the holes are still there.

Today I kind of feel like I'm filled with holes. I can move on with my life. Get rid of everything that isn't working in my life (Doesn't leave much) and move forward, but the holes are still there. I will surely carry fears from this relationship into the next one. I will certainly have my guard up and be sensitive about certain things- I see that happening already. As friendships fade in and out- my constant questions is "What did I do wrong? and How can I fix it?" All my experienced, 12 step-ed, psychologist visited, adviced out the wazoo, and every book ever read intelligence tells me that everything is not my fault, and other peoples problems or issues are not my fault and that sometimes relationships take turns and that is not always MY FAULT. And while I acknowledge it- and believe it- and some days I RELY on it- there is still that nagging voice that says, "what did you do now?" when something goes wrong.

The only way I can keep myself away from that kind of destructive behavior is to walk away from it. Not get resentful, not continue to tear myself down and take the blame, but to just walk away, or at least step back. If nothing else, it keeps me from having to put any nails in the fence.

Gratitude

When I took this picture, I didn't realize that he was peeing...

But this brings me to something I've very grateful for today. Gabriel is finally potty trained!!! Overnight, in the car, and at restaurants.

Hurray for Underpants!!!!!



It's the simple things that give me the most joy lately....

Everybody's had to fight to be free.

"Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free"

Today was a pretty good day by most accounts. My husband and I seem to be 'wrapping things up'. He's putting things into boxes, downsizing his belongings. Deciding what will stay for a while, and what he will take with him. Part of me still doesn't believe it's actually happening. Part of me is still expecting for something to come up and he won't be able to leave. The actual moving of the things has been pushed back a few days, even thought HE won't physically be here. He's going back into the hospital the week after next to get "fitted" for his insulin pump, which we are really glad about.

He is really glad about.

I am not supposed to give a damn.

But I admit. I do.
I hope that this helps him.
I hope he starts being compliant.
I hope he doesn't die within a few years, because that is where he's headed if he doesn't get serious RIGHT NOW.
He has spent a lot of time the last few days with the boys- and they are loving it, spending the time with thier dad. Sometimes I look over and watch them playing and I feel sad that it has to be this way.
But it does.

In the long run, it's better for everyone. Maybe this is why people leave in such a hurry. Because there is less time to look back and change your mind. I've given myself a lot of time to make this decision and I changed my mind a few times. I didn't rush or make the decision based on one bad fight or one bad incidence. This went wrong on almost every level and even then, we still tried to salvage what we could. I was explaining to my brother today that I am doing this my way, in my time- and in a way that will make me hate myself the least. While I have some guilt, I have no doubt that this is the right decision to make. And I am certain that I won't look back or regret it. Because I didn't rush in to it, or, out of it. I didn't walk away without thinking it through. Believe me, I've thought it through. I've spent years thinking it through, and I can say with 100% certainty, I did the absolute best I could, with what I had to make this marriage livable. And it simply isn't anymore. I struggled for a while, and kept it together- made the best of the good times etc., but eventually it became less and less workable. The good times were so few and far between and they didn't make up for the bad times. It's all about the bad times. And I know now that this is no way to live my life.

Nobody pointed it out to me. Nobody pushed me, or forced me. I did it on my own in my own time. And there has been a price to pay for it- but I think I will be able to live with myself, knowing that I feel I did what I thought was right.

Old habits

Michael was discharged from the hospital tonight and he dropped off his perscriptions and picked up the boys and I came home and was studying before class. So I was going to pick up his perscriptions before I went to class and I realized that I was late. He asked me, 'do you have time to pick up the perscriptions?'- and I knew that I didnt. I knew that it would make me late for class- and therefore late for my quiz which I do NOT get extra time for.

So I said, "yeah I think so." and I got in the car and left. As I am halfway to the pharmacy I realize that I will NOT be on time, and I knew I would not be on time- and why did I agree to do this. He has a car- he could pick them up?!?!? And I was kicking myself, because I put HIS needs in front of mine. He didn't even ASK me or guilt me into doing this. He asked if I had time, and with that- I volunteered to be late to class and possibly miss my quiz. He didn't even ask me to do this RIGHT NOW, he just asked if I would have time. Had I said no, he probably would have put the kids in the car and done it. But no, I decided that I can do it- because apparently I coddle him without provocation and refuse to put my goals in thier proper place.

You know, at least I recognize it- and perhaps I will be not be so quick to put his needs before my own.

Allowing others to be

From Daily OM- June 2006
Controlling Behavior




















We all know what it's like to want to be in control. In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary. Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping.

Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives.

It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what's best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn't make. However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live. Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.

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Daily Meditation

Sometimes I am amazed at how just what I need to hear comes into my inbox...

September 15, 2006
Walking Through
When Doors Open When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what's there as that's the only way to know. Even if it doesn't seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go.

Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things. These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold.

There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations. Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.

Helping vs. Enabling. You vs. Me.

I am not going to lead into this with all the explanations, because it only brings me more questions that I don't have answers to. But the bottom line is this- my husband has no idea where he will be living in 2 weeks.

What in the world of FUCK happens now.

I can hear the voices of my well meaning friends, saying, "It's not your problem." "Let him sink." "Let him suffer." And part of me also realizes that they are true and accurate and not BAD advice. However. How do I do that??

This is where my struggle is today. One thing that I admit is that I have always had trouble with boundaries. With Michael, and really with a lot of people. I rarely put my foot down and say, "You can't treat me like this." My reaction is always to figure out why I had it coming and respond accordingly. If I feel I am being treated badly, I have a hard time pointing it out. It's an issue that I have. Perhaps that is the byproduct of being the youngest- having parents that were hot and cold emotionally- absent/dead father figures etc. Who the hell knows?? But somewhere along the lines, I adopted the thought pattern that if someone is treating me bad, I probably did something to deserve it. And besides, I'm strong and I can handle whatever comes my way- right??

So what is coming my way is the fact that I have set a boundary- and have simply been praying that I would not have to follow through with the consequences that I have set up.

I WANT to help him.
I WANT to make sure he is ok.
I WANT him to get better.
I WANT him to live.

But I also know that I can't. I can't help him anymore. It's time for him to grow up and pay some consequesnces. But how do I live with them? My mother is very hesitant to support my decision to throw him out. She went through this similar scenario. She left my dad- he was sick. He died. She felt guilt. Not that she killed him. But that she left him when he was sick. That she didn't help him. That he died alone. A L O N E. He had family too- but in the end, he died in the hospital- without anyone even in the waiting room for him to get out of surgery.

A
L
O
N
E

And she does not want me to have to live with the guilt that she went through. The guilt that I'm sure we kids unknowingly put upon her. And honestly, I don't want to live with that guilt either. I know that I will get past it. I will work through whatever guilty feelings I may have about what transpires over the next months. But I will still have to get past them.
Turning my back on him when it is clearly within my power to help, is something that I simply don't know how to do. I am terrified that he is going to kill himself. That he is going to get sick and die alone. That he is going to go back to drug, drinking, whatever. I am terrified that it truly CAN and will get worse. And all I had to do to stop it was just keep things as they are.

I know- I know. I FUCKING KNOW!! I can't do that. I can't live like this. I can't put my kids through this. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to these little boys to sit back and watch thier father give up. I know that forcing him out is the right thing to do. It's what we all need. And really, it's what I want. But fuck- when has it EVER been about what I want.

With all the resentment I can stand, I have proclaimed for years, "It's all about Michael! Everything is about Michael- I should have it tatooed on my freaking forehead." But you know- it IS. It always has been. It's never been about what I want or what I need. And I know that it's time that I change that. I need to. and I have to. But I know that I can only save one of us. If I let him go, I save myself and I save my kids too. If I continue to protect him, me and the kids drown.

I don't have the right to do that. I don't have the right to choose his life over thiers.
Hmmm.
I guess it's not him or me.
It's him or them.
I think that's a decision I can live with.

Compelled to Intervene

Watching a loved one or a peer traverse a path littered with stumbling blocks can be immensely painful. We instinctively want to guide them toward a safer track and share with them the wisdom we have acquired through experience. Yet all human beings have the right to carve their own paths without being unduly influenced by outside interference. To deny them that right is to deny them enlightenment, as true insight cannot be conveyed in lectures. Rather, each individual must earn independence and illumination by making decisions and reflecting upon the consequences of each choice. In allowing others to walk their paths freely, you honor their right to express their humanity in whatever way they see fit. Though you may not agree with or identify with their choices, understand that each person must learn in their own way and at their own pace.

The events and circumstances that shape our lives are unique because each of us is unique. What touches one person deeply may do nothing more than irritate or confound another. Therefore, each of us is drawn to different paths-the paths that will have the most profound effects on our personal evolution. If you feel compelled to intervene when watching another human being make their way slowly and painfully down a difficult path, try to empathize with their need to grow autonomous and make their own way in the world. Should this person ask for your aid, give it freely. You can even tell them about your path or offer advice in a conscious loving way. Otherwise, give them the space they need to make their own mistakes, to enjoy the fruits of their labors, to revel in their triumphs, and to discover their own truths.

The temptation to direct the paths of others is a creature of many origins. Overactive egos can convince us that ours is the one true path or awaken a craving for control within us. But each person is entitled to seek out their path leading from the darkness into the light. When we celebrate those paths and encourage the people navigating them, we not only enjoy the privilege of watching others grow-we also reinforce our dedication to diversity, independence, and individuality.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference.

I read this prayer so often that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. I think in the beginning of my program, this prayer was all I could hold on to, and maybe not even all of it. Accept the things I cannot change... This is always a struggle for me. I was so convinced that with the right amount of nagging, begging, or even LOVE, I could plant seeds of change.

Accepting that I am no real use to him when he was in trouble has always been a struggle for me. After 10 some odd years together, very little has changed. I am still no real use to him when he's in trouble, and I still struggle with that.

Serenenity is the Courage to let go of what is not mine to handle. It seems so simple. Not my problem. Not my business. But in reality- it's not so simple for me. Today as I was dropping the kids off with my mom- she commented on how if he doesn't have anyplace to go, then he's my responsibility again. I said, "no- he's not." and as I headed for the door she reminded me, "He's YOUR husband. You married him. It is your responsibility."

Part of me wonders why I listen to that shit. Why I let her voice penetrate my logic. Because I DO feel that it somewhat IS my responsibility as his wife to be concerned for his well being. I guess I am not looking to IGNORE that responsibility, as much as I am looking for someone (and it would be nice if it were HIM) to take ON that responsibility for me. I realize as I'm typing it- all the problems with what I am saying and what I am thinking. This is against everything that I've learned in program. This is NOT my responsiblity- because we all have a responsibility for ourselves. He is not a child- he's a grown man. But he is also VERY sick. Physically and mentally he is very ill and he can't make decisions like a rational human being, because he just isn't rational.

I am not changing my mind. I know that I need to walk away from this to save my own life and that of the boys. His condition is very narcissistic and I need to be selfish for all of our sake. I will get over any guilt I am feeling, and I am hoping that in the end, I will know I've done the right thing. But today when he cried on my shoulder out of frustration, anger, pain and just sheer exhaustion it seems hard to see that end.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, and it rarely feels as good as it should. Doing the wrong thing tends to obsolve us of guilt and give us some sort of pleasure. Doing the right thing can talk a lot of energy, it doesn't always offer instant gratification, and sometimes it rips your heart out. So simply based on how this feels, I guess I couldn't be any more right in walking away.

How NOT to Ruin Your Life

I came across an article in Yahoo! Finance called How Not to Ruin Your Life. I didn't read the article, but the headline immediately envoked a response in me. "Yeah, if I only had an ARTICLE to tell me what not to do."

Would I have read it anyway? I spent most of my formative years reading magazines and watching my older siblings and watching TV shows and movies that were probably too 'mature' for me. I am not sure if what I retained from it helped me: A crazy boy will burn your house down if he loves you enough. Don't step on the fish that look like a rock. "Doin it for Johnny" will get you shot in the streets. I certainly didn't listen to my mother, at least not enough- and I didn't heed warnings from Dear Abby, or even Tween 12 and 20. Then again I don't remember if any of it really addressed many of what I've gone through.

How would I have not ruined my life?? Maybe I would have not dated my first husband. I hired him for God's sake. Then I dated him (first mistake), got pregnant (three months later), married him- and divorced him. hmmmm.

Maybe I would have stayed single longer, even though I am not good single. Left to my own devices, I'm dangerous. I admit it. I'm more independent when I'm IN a relatively secure relationship than when I'm single. It's one of my less attractive traits.

Maybe I would have not been so silent for so long about my husbands drinking. Maybe I would have gotten help for myself. Maybe I would have walked before I even found out about the drinking. I had enough red flags, even before the drinking became obvious. Maybe I would have postponed the wedding when I had doubts about his drinking. Maybe I would have left when I figured out what it meant to be an alcoholic. Maybe I would have left after the first year, or the second. Maybe I would not have gotten off the pill. Maybe I would not have had the third child. maybe maybe maybe....

Looking at my life now- yes, I've gone through a lot of crap. But you know, maybe I'm a better person for it. Maybe I'm not so cocky. Maybe I have more respect for people who struggle with thier marriage. Maybe I have a different respect for myself. Perhaps I just realize that I can't change the bad without taking away the good. And while there has not been a LOT of good- there has been enough. It's too late to turn back now, and it's foolish to think of what might have been. I'll bet that it could have been worse, it really could have.

I guess my life isn't ruined really. Just a bit twisted. And really, there is only one mistake that I would change if I could. Just one.

I'd have taken better care of my teeth.

Mama said there'd be days like this....

I'm not sure if I'm the cat or the dog.

====

Last night on my way home from Karaoke with my friends, I realized that my old patterns are coming back. I have again, fallen in to the old patterns of giving too much of myself and not getting the same back in return, and then feeling pushed aside or slighted for it. I found myself in tears, feeling rejected and lonely. I am not sure how valid these feelings really are. I am not good at holding back my feelings. I'm not very good at rejection in any form and I'm not the kind of person to play the game and pretend I don't care, when I do. I'm absolutely transparent that way. So my friends are looking at me, I suppose, thinking, what the hell is the matter with you? And the truth is, I don't know. Do I having unrealistic expectations? Am I demanding and irrational? Am I behaving like a spoiled child?

And why?

I feel so unsettled and stressed. I have a daily headache. I am consistently anxious, despite my medications to keep from being that way. Perhaps it's because the clock is ticking, I am determined to keep my boundaries regarding my husband moving out and I'm practically getting hives from the prospect of having to enforce them. My life is on the verge of changing. I have a clear cut opportunity to have a better life- and I think I'm scared to death. I'm leaving the present plan of "a miserable life" behind. And replacing it with a clean slate. Possibilities Unknown. Opportunities Unknown. I always assumed that the demon I know is better than the demon I don't know- that is how I have played it safe for so long. But I know that is so illogical in this case- but I'm scared anyway.

I know that I'm supposed to make MYSELF happy first. I know that I have to address the emotional issues that trapped me in this so-called-life. But I feel insecure and vulnerable, and when I feel that way- I fight back. I don't know if I'm the kitten fighting the big dog, or the big dog attacking the kitten. And who am I fighting with anyway??

Last night on my way home, I was tempted to stop at a local motel and check in. Turn off my phone and hide. Instead I came home and got a decent nights sleep. And this morning, in the light of day- it still sounds like a pretty viable option for the weekend.

Letting it Go

Sometimes I can't deny the signs from my Higher Power. For weeks I have been struggling with the decision about my apartment. Should I move out and therefore force my husband to move out. Should I stay and not uproot my boys- and let them transition a little easier with thier father moving out- assuming he actually DOES move out as planned and promised... My apartment is a pit, by the way. Leaks and power trouble and old appliances....

Last night a ceiling tile covering the air conditioning came crashing down in my hallway. Broken ceiling tile and water everywhere. The maintenance people are idiots- having still not fixed a hole in the bathroom wall that has been there and I've been calling about for over a month now.

I think that is my Higher Power telling me that I should just move. It's time to go. Bite the bullet, put up the cash and move out. I was standing still and waiting for a sign. I think I got one....

Now I have been practicing this "wait for a sign" technique in regards to many things. Of course when I GET that sign, like hundreds and thousands of dollars disappearing, I still don't listen. Case in point, my life right now. So perhaps if I actually LISTEN to the signs, DO what my gut is telling me that I should do, perhaps changes will follow.

Thankful

Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. . .
Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness,
and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted."
--Paul Tillich

------
Sometimes the good things in life don't make sense any more than the bad things. I have a hard time understanding why bad things befall good people, and why good things befall bad people. Today, I can only count my blessings and be thankful for the wonderful people who have appeared when all hope seemed lost.

Love

Since I am not going to be actually going back to meeting for a month, I need to keep SOME program in my life, somehow. School starts again tomorrow- and this month, my husband is supposed to be moving out. So I'm going to do my best to blog as often as I can. Journal here about what is going on, what I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking about the upcoming changes. I can feel the stress weighing me down. I've had a consistent headache for a week now. So I need to outlet it.

I originally started this blog as an outlet for my Al-Anon program, so I would like to get back to that.

This is from "Living with Sobriety":

For me, love means giving and getting comfort, care and compassion; for others there can be no love without dignity and shared responsibility. For some, feelings die when they are not returned in kind, nurtured and protected by an attentive partner. Others can love unconditionally, but from a distance. The capacity for loving may exceed a partner's capacity or it may not. Whatever our feelings may be, they are neither bad nor good; they simply are, and we have to work with them. I am free to love whomever I choose, and love, freely given is the most rewarding.
=========

I have learned a lot about love being in this marriage. For all it's faults, it's only because I, at one time, loved him with all my heart that I ever put myself through this. Sometimes it's been insane, and sometimes I lost sight of what love is supposed to be like. But who's to say? It's only been in the last year that I have realized that the love that my husband and I once shared is no longer growing. The roots have been picked apart- and we simply can't replant them. For some people, they have been able to love unconditionally from a distance. And I applaud those people who were able to have boundaries and detach and allow thier alcoholic loved ones to suffer thier own consequences and move on. I can't do that. Maybe I'm not strong enough.

I am unable to detach from his problems and remain in this relationship. I have control issues that after all these years, I still can't let go of. I have expectations- and as I read in a book on divorce that I just bought, "Reality Railroads Expectations."

No kidding.

So with that, I have to move on. Because my inablity to detach, will only bring me down. It will only further perpetuate this ugly cycle and probably kill him faster that he is killing himself.

Thoughts on love???

Just a little Patience

"The key to everything is Patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."--Arnold Glasow.

Growing up there was a sign in my mothers house that said "Nothing worthwhile comes easy." I think I have remembered that my entire life and call back on it whenever I find myself getting impatient or feeling like the struggle for what I want is too much to handle. Waiting has always been something that SEEMS like a good idea in theory, but in practice I have a hard time actually doing it.

I am waiting on a lot of things lately. Things that really ARE worth while-and some days I remember that it's worth it for me to be patient- and other days I just want to rush head first to the next phase of my life- as if I have control over it to begin with. My husband is supposed to be moving within 6 weeks. So far he is "talking about it", but I have no idea what his plan really is. He hasn't started packing anything yet. I am still considering just packing up and moving myself. Just to make sure he is left with no choice. It's harsh, but it seems like his M O is always to do nothing, and leave everyone else with no choice but to 'deal with him'. And my dealing days are over. That's for damn sure.

Lately he has been mumbling about how much pressure he is under. The stress of everything that has 'befallen' him. I did NOT make the obvious comment about how a lot of that is self inflicted, even though I was tempted. I won't be swayed by guilt. It hits me sometimes, and some days I do feel bad- but I know that I am still doing a lot more than most women would have done. I am still taking a soft stance with him when I could have thrown him to the streets with nothing. I am continuing to enable him in a milder way- giving him undeserved some time to get his crap together. I'm not trying to be a martyr about it- but I DO think that my extra effort to be kind make it ok that I really care too much about the stress he's under.

Believe it or not- he has yet to do anything to relieve MY stress.

Jumping off

I had breakfast yesterday with my sponsor. Actually, not my sponsor anymore, but she was my sponsor and I think when get back to program, she will be my sponsor again. It was nice to catch up with her. I hadn't seen her in a while and we haven't had too much time to talk lately. She was understanding about my decision not to go back to meeting until after my husband moves out. She agreed that what I need to do is stay angry. She told me, what she could NOT tell me when she was my sponsor- but can safely say now that she's just my friend. "Get the hell away from him and save your own life." We don't give advice in Al-Anon. We only offer experience strength and hope. Support in whichever path each of us chooses.

I can forgive later. Right now I need to stay angry. I can "Let Go" later. She agreed with me. She assured me that program will always be there for me. That I knew. I believe in it. It helps me move on. And I know that once he's gone, I will need help to get over it. But I can't get past it while I'm still living in it. Anger fuels me. Resentment keeps me moving forward. Freedom is my only revenge. It's the only way I can prove my point and not become a horrible ugly hateful person. My point? I guess that I deserve better. That I am worth more than what I have. I am worth more than what he thinks of me.

Co-dependency is a wicked whore. It's just as unhealthy as any addiction and perpetuates the disease in a very silent way. I enabled him until he was practically paralyzed by it and hated him every step of the way. I resented him for his inability to take care of himself, but I was always there to take care of him, so he suffered no real consequences except having to hear my bitch at him and tear him down for being unable to take care of things on his own, confirming his bad opinion of himself and keeping him stuck in his own self pity- keeping the cycle going. A vicious and nasty little circle. I admit, even now, it's a struggle for me to keep my mouth shut when I know he has very little options. I find myself looking for ways to help him, without it seeming like I'm helping him. (Luckily the larger efforts I find myself thinking about are quickly interrupted by the voices in my head- asking me if I'm "out of my fucking mind?".) It's hard to stop doing what I've always done, even if the results have been disastrous. I still CARE about him. It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the way things have turned out. His sister told me I probably should have left him to sink or swim years ago. And he would have swam, and maybe with less damage than he's got to carry now. He'll swim now. Perhaps with moderate assistance, but as long as he stays afloat- stays alive... that is all that matters. I think that the ones who will help him, realize that carrying him will eventually kill him. It seems that they are forcing him to do the footwork in taking care of his health- applying for disability, keeping up with his appointments, etc. Offering him assistance based on his own efforts. I think they realize the damage that has been done by all I did (all WE did) to help him and protect him. And really, he's much worse off now, physically and mentally- than he was three years ago. I knew it wasn't right, but I could not bear to watch him suffer- I guess I did what I did to make myself feel better- and in the end I know he just got worse. I have to accept some responsibility for that. Perhaps if he was forced to make it on his own back then, he would have gotten help before it got worse. Actually, I know he would have. Three years ago, using, without any other place to turn, he may have gone into a inpatient rehab center. That may have saved him.

I see that I've drifted into this place where it seems like I'm blaming myself. I'm not. This is not my fault. I know that. All of this began with the bottle. At the core of it all- it's an alcoholic marriage. It's a family disease and we all play a part. It's not my fault- I got sick too. The whole family gets sick from addiction one way or the other. There is a pamphlet called The Merry Go Round of Denial, and as silly as I always thought the title was- it's is absolutely true. Round and Round. More like a speeding Merry Go Round, fueled by vodka, cocaine and rage- throwing off that was not hanging on for dear life. Now we just have to look around, and pick up the peices that have been thrown aside.

I can't help but wonder, thinking about that analogy, why the hell I didn't let go when it started to pick up speed??

What's fair?

Thought for today

Some of us get hung up on what's fair. We might feel, because we've worked hard to straighten out our lives, we should be rewarded. We might keep score of what we get and what others get. And we complain if it's "not fair."

Maybe we should be glad life isn't fair. Why? Most of us caused a lot of trouble we've never had to pay for. And we've hurt a lot of people who haven't gotten even. Would we really want life to be fair?

Guns drawn

Well the war is on and there won't be any winners.

I emailed Michaels parents today because I was concerned that he hadn't taken his medications and that I felt he needed help taking care of himself because it seems like he is not consistent. I was not trying to go behind his back, because I knew he would find out. His parents are NOT on my side. They didn't call me- they called HIM and told him what I said. I knew they would and I am fine with that. I am worried about him. I can't help him. He can't stand me. But his parents have been pretty involved with his recent hospital stays and I wanted them to be in the know about what's going on. He claimed he was taking the pills from the bottle and not the daily pill case we set up. I think that's bullshit, because why would he open 8 different bottles of pills, 4 times a day when they are already separated and ready to go in a nice handy case. But whatever.... just keep handin out the bullshit until someone believes you.

In anycase. He is very angry. I don't remember what he accused me of trying to do. I am not sure if he thinks I was trying to score points or turn people against him, but I was not. I will gladly forward the email I sent to his parents- I make no apoligies for my actions.

He claims he does not need me, so I told him to get the fuck out. Plain and simple. It's ugly. It's only going to get uglier. He wants to hate me, I should just let him. If I do something hateful and mean, he gets angry. If I do something nice, I am sending mixed messages and he gets even more angry. I just want him to leave. I think that's been made clear. There's no confusion about that.

I fear it's going to get worse before it's over.

ADVERSITY

Father Leo's Daily Meditation

"Adversity reveals genius,
prosperity conceals it."
--Horace

Today I believe that the only way to understand God, the world,
my neighbor and myself is through some degree of suffering. Pain
and suffering are humbling in the truest sense; they stop you from
being arrogant, selfish and "prideful". Being spoiled stops me from experiencing the real world and stops me from growing.

Today adversity is part of life and part of being human. Not to
grow through adversity is to die. To have everything is to
experience nothing. To feel in life -- to have emotion -- demands
adversity and pain.

Teach me to be grateful for the suffering that leads to growth.

The business of The End

I'm trying to get along and play nice, but it seems like it can go from civil to screamin in 10 minutes. There is no 'good conversation' about divorce. There is no good way to lay out the details without someone getting upset. For as much as I would like to approach this in a matter-of-fact business like manner. It's not business, it's personal. It's VERY personal. Its my life, and the end of it's current status. It's his life and ultimately a lot of changes there too. Obviously.

I don't want to play myself up like I am some saint who is just doing everything for the good of someone else- but I think I AM being incredibly fair, under the circumstances. Joint Custody, 50% visitation- no child support, no alimony. The bills are mine cause I am the only one paying them anyway. Legal separation so he can stay on my health insurance for at least two years. Really, I think I'm being just SWELL considering I could probably get a good lawyer, pull out every last stop and make his life pretty miserable. But I'm not going to do that- because I just don't want to have this be the ugliest thing.

The arguments were always huge. Neither of us is willing to back down in the midst of an argument. It's not that I don't like to lose, I just don't like to lose TO HIM. In my opinion, he sees the world through the eyes of the man he WANTS to be, not the man he IS- so to me, a lot of his views are skewed. The things that he says and the ideas he has, are good- and viable if they were coming from someone with a bit more credibility. I spend a lot of time defending myself against his ability to take my every insecurity and throw it at me. And then tell me he's not trying to hurt me. It's almost like having an argument with my mother.

Either way, I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other and do the next indicated thing. I have jobs on my plate today that does not at all include him, moving, or the divorce. Today I just want to have a nice day. Tackle some projects, maybe have lunch with a friend or two, run some errands after work- go home and just retreat to my corner, agreeing to just keep my mouth shut and pray that he does too. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I have no idea how we will keep things civil until October.

I just want my life back.
I want to move on.
I want to be free.
I want to be happy.

The Roses

When we got married, we were each given a rose. The guy said some words about being a couple and how we are tied together, but still two seperate people. And we put the roses together and he tied them with a ribbon. These roses have always been on display in our house. Not always so gently with the care they deserve- but they are always visible. The idea behind it was to use the roses as a reminder when thing got tough, or to use them as a signal to the other person when one of us was struggling. Separate the roses as a way to show the other person that 'there is a problem' and we need to work at getting them back together. We never did untie the roses. Not once.

Next week we will have been married 7 years. Today, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. Now I already told him that I was moving out. That I could no longer remain in this marriage. But I never said, "I don't love you." It was never about the fact that I don't love him. I really don't know if I do. I don't know if you truly CAN love someone for whom you hold so much anger and resentment. Regardless, I would never say that to him. I think it's unnecessary and hurtful and the only reason you would come out and say that to someone is if you had the intention to hurt them. And it did hurt.

I don't know if I have written in the blog that I do not love him anymore. It's just not that simple. I love him because he is the father of my children. I love him because there was a time, a very long time ago- that my heart skipped a beat when he walked in the room. There was a time when I really didn't think I could live without him. Maybe those thoughts were misguided, and maybe they were the desperate cries of a co-dependent needing her own emotional 'fix'- but they were my feelings, no matter how unhealthy and misplaced they may have been. I simply can't stay in this marriage any longer- because the love that I do have for him, is simply not enough to tolerate everything else. It's diluted with resentment and anger and bleeding out every time I open my mouth to talk to him. I'm just tired of hurting. I'm exhausted from it. I just want to move forward. Pack up my boys and leave this life behind. There is no use in talking about what went wrong. Everything went wrong. EVERY THING.

So I sit here, feeling quite beat up from the entire conversation we had, looking up at "The Roses." Sticking out of a magazine box. They are dusty. The ribbon is dirty, but still tied.

Neglected. Ignored. Forgotten.

I don't think I will untie them when I move out. I don't need that kind of a gesture.

The fact that the roses that represent our 7 year marriage are dusty, held together by a dirty ribbon, and carelessly shoved in a box is symbolic enough.

Making changes

Well I went and looked at an apartment today. I remember now, why I always HATED moving. The process of just FINDING a place is so tedious I just want to swallow a knife. The last two apartments we moved to- my husband found. I told him, find a place- I want AC, a dishwasher and a place to park my car. Other than that- a roof, maybe some doors, a few walls, and I'm good. I really don't WANT to move. Where I live now is close enough to everything I want. It could use a very good cleaning and paintjob. Some drawers fixed etc.

I'm assured that HE is going to move out. That I don't HAVE to move, and that he WILL. He's going to have to anyway. It's what I would prefer. I just want to make sure that he goes- and does not feel so comfy to just hang out here. Walk right in and set up camp when I'm not home. Moving is the best thing for me. Someplace new- but maybe I don't need to do that right away. If he moves out- maybe I can wait until January. I'm always stalling.... I hate moving.

But I did go and LOOK. That's a step in the right direction.

Powerless

This morning I woke up and was relieved to find a new blog post from my brother in Iraq. Sometimes I don't even read them at the time, but it's nice to see them and know he's alive another day.

When he is home- this is his second trip over there this time around and God willing, he will be home before the holidays. His post was very defeated. He was frustrated. He was tired. I was reading his posts and thinking to myself talk about being powerless. There he is, he and his team and they are doing thier job and training the Iraqi soldiers and doing thier best, only to come back to camp at the end of the night, feeling like "in the end, there will be nothing left but us." I made me think that even in the true sense of life or death situations- you can only do what is within your control- and that is not much.

You put one foot in front of the other. You do your job. You do what you are trained to do, what you are supposed to do, what you are paid to do. You do your part to the best of your ability and give up the results because you simply can't make things happen if someone else has another agenda. And in the end- even if things did not turn out the way you would have liked, you have to be able to say "My side of the street is clean and I can't control what happens on the other side."

It's like that in everything I guess. You just move forward and do what you do. Do your part and give up the results. I need to remember that today. I can only handle what's on my plate. I can't control the plans of other people. I have to remember that today and let it go.

Today's Reminder

"Right now, today I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me. Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me." (ODAT)

There's a lot of things going on around me that I have no control over. My husband is talking about moving out- but in a way that is so unrealistic I just want to say, "Are ya kidding me??" But I just say, "oh- interesting." and keep my mouth shut. Far be it from me to discourage him to explore options that mean he will be leaving!! And in the end (of September), if he doesn't leave, I will and he will be forced to. I may as well plan for that. I only wish I didn't have to wait until then.

I can't make things happen in the manner in which I want them to happen. My life is not directly impacted on most things that occupy space in my brain. I can't counsel, advise or push my opinion because it's not my work. It's not my business- even if I have a right to be concerned or am even afforded the right to CARE about it.

Only the things that are my business, are the matters in which I need to move about my plate. Nobody needs to handle my problems and tasks for me- and I have to assume that I am just as annoying to others when I try to butt in or offer unsolicited advice in situations that are not mine.

I really need a meeting. Badly. I am feeling more lost in my own head lately and trying to reach out and grasp at straws to find a sense of balance. But I have my issues about that too. But you know, the relationship with my husband is a done deal. It's done. I have to remember that it's over and Al-Anon is for me. It's not 'how to stay married' or 'how to get divorced'. I came to that on my own. What I need now, is a good way to deal with me and the struggles in my own head. I could find that through church, or through counseling. But really- program has always been the most freeing and spiritual therapy I've ever had.

I know...go go go. Get your ass to a meeting. I know.

Resentment is a shiny shield

My husband was in the hospital all weekend. He got sick again, really really sick and you know, I am just indifferent about it. I am not convinced that THIS hospital stay is any different than the all the ones before it. And you know, while his attitude appears a little different-I can't distunguish it as any different than any of the other times that he 'appeared' to have an attitude change, and didn't. I trying not to pay attention to it, because I don't really believe that he's actually had one. Or at least that he is willing to do what it takes to feel better in the long term.

But either way, my fear is that he will suck me in to believing that this situation is tolerable and I will either attempt to believe him, only to get my heart stomped when he resorts back to his usual behavior. Or I will completely rebel against it and attack him in his sleep. I don't know that in the many times I have decided to give this marriage a chance, it was ever because I felt that I loved him so much that I could not live without out him. At least not in the past two or three years. It was usually because I felt guilty. It was convenient, or it was what I thought was best for the kids. It was never about love. My reasons for staying were never because I loved him so much, nor is my reasons for finally leaving about NOT loving him.

Love is irrelevant at this point. In this situation, it's not enough in which to base any decisions upon. To stay or go is not about love- because I will never NOT love him, nor will I ever love him again ENOUGH to get past all that's happened. So it's not about love- it's just survival and breaking the pattern. I simply have to be honest and admit that I want more than this. I don't think he will change, and even if he did- I don't think it will matter. That is the honest truth. I don't think I will ever let him forget what he's done. I don't think I can ever forgive him for not living up to my expectations, for each broken promise in which I have committed to memory. Maybe that makes me self-righteous, maybe it makes me selfish, but it's the truth. This relationship makes me the absolute worst version of myself. I don't like who I am with him. I don't like myself in this marriage. I don't think he's losing so much really. For all that I claim to do in my second career as a martyr-I cannot deny that to him, I've become a bitter, angry, suspicious, mean, sarcastic, apathetic BITCH.

And it doesn't bother me.

I see that as my armor, my defense against him. My right.

I have no plans to stop being that way any time soon.

He commented to me recently that I should hear myself when I talk to him. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Too bad." Who the hell have I become?? I'll tell you. I've become my mother on her very worst day. Razor tongue and not a care in the world if I cut his head right off with it. And that is no way to live my life. I know that I don't have any any right to be hateful and ugly and still REMAIN in this marriage. I know that a certain amount of fault is mine too for that type of behavior. And all I can do to stop it, is leave. I won't put down my armor. Not again. Not ever again.

The truth hurts

Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you try...
















Eventually, enough


















is finally

















enough.

Progress, Not Perfection

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.---Ovid

Our program speaks of spiritual progress, not perfection. We can take all the time we need. Our bottom line is steady progress. We can ask ourselves, "Am I a little more spiritual than I was a year ago? A month ago?" If the answer is yes, we're doing great. If the answer is no, we should look at why.
Our illness pushes us to be perfect. In recovery, we learn that we are free to be what we are---human. Even the world's fastest runners are average in most other areas of their lives.. This is okay. Remember, "spiritual progress, not perfection."

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, I'll not be ashamed of how average I am. I'll remember I'm average---and that's good.
=============



I don't expect to always do everything the exact way other people feel it 'should' be done. I am certain that other people would live my life very differently. I get a lot of advice on what I should do. How I should respond and what decisions I should make. And I take all of it with a smile, taking note of who it comes from and how much they know about my situation and if thier advice is informed or just "this is what I would do"- which really is only worth so much. I do feel my situtaion is different than many women in unhappy marriages, but not so different for most women in alcoholic marriages or marriages with someone with chronic illness. Either way, I realize that my progress in how I deal with my husband, my marriage and my life may not be what people think that it ought to be- but I know, for myself, that it is VERY different than what it USED to be.

I did not wake up one day and realize, "Oh my God, when did things get out of hand?" it started small- and got bigger, much bigger and then a little more manangeable- albeit still quite messy. But really, life is MUCH more livable than it used to be. Only now I choose NOT to live life this way anymore. If I wanted to- I guess living the rest of my life as it stands now, would be a little easier than it was three, four, five years ago. As back then, I still had hope, I was still twisting myself in a million directions and making my husband my Higher Power. I know better now. I have more independence now than I used to. My life has a purpose, and a direction and it's the direction that I want it to go- regardless of what anyone else thinks.

If I absolutely HAD to stay in this marriage for the rest of my life, I would still have a lot to look forward to. My marriage is not what makes me the person that I am anymore. I am no longer defined by my husband or the disease that he has. I am no longer ruled by his actions. I am no longer plagued with his illness. It affects me, yes, it burdens me emotionally and weighs on my heart, of course, but it does not dictate my life anymore. I can still get up every day and go to work and be productive. I can have friendships and hobbies. I can join in activities and have some fun. Even though I have a husband at home who is sick and miserable and probably doesn't even like me very much- I can still have a life. Be a good friend to people and be a participant in my life, not just a casualty of his. Three, four, five years ago- I could not say that.

And really, regardless if what anyone else thinks, THAT is progress.

Holding on

Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.
--unknown

Moving past the guilt

I haven't spoken to my mother about leaving my husband, because know she thinks it's the wrong thing to do. He's sick, and he can't take care of himself and maybe she feels that it's my responsibility to stay with him. Or maybe because of her religious convictions, she simply CAN'T support me divorcing him. Either way, I tend to stay away or not broach the subject to people who I think will encourage me to stay. Maybe I am not strong enough against my own guilt. And I DO feel guilty. I AM sorry. Not because I don't love him anymore, not because the marriage didn't work out. I know that I did all that I could- and then some. I hung on, I detached, I enabled, I ignored, I demanded, and I let go. I have hung in here, for years....waiting and giving chances. And none of it has made enough difference to make me more than "content to live in an unhappy situation." I don't even know WHY I feel guilty. Maybe because I feel sorry for him. Maybe because he does his best to make me feel guilty. Maybe because I know that I COULD live with this situation and I still question the idea that I deserve better than this and I am walking away because I WANT to- I don't HAVE to.

One thing that I do know for sure is that being around him, staying in this marriage- makes me the worst version of myself. I usually am not a hateful person. I am sarcastic to a fault, yes, but this situation makes me hateful and bitter. It makes me ugly. It has poured a blackness into my soul that has taken away the one thing I always believed in before, love. It has made me one of those sour women who sees a couple on the street, walking arm in arm, and makes me think, "Oh God, lets see how long THAT will last." When one of my girlfriends meets a new great guy- my first thought is, "Yeah, give it time, I'll bet he's a jerk like the rest of them."

And you know, all the different men in my life have NOT all been jerks. Most of them have been pretty good guys who I would not mind knowing even today. I have been hurt in relationships, but never really BURNED before. I've never been cheated on. I've never been beaten up. I've had relationships that went wrong and ended with little shock to me, but I've never even been dumped out of the blue. My friend pointed that out to me the other day. He said, "You've had a lot of men who have chosen you- who have wanted to be with just you." And after some thought, he's right. Looking back that the 'boyfriends' I've had, most of them were pretty decent guys. Good guys who maybe were not all I wanted, but great enough to spend several months, sometimes years with.

It's not 'all the men' that are bad. It's THIS ONE. It's not that all relationships are a disaster. Just THIS ONE. This kid has ruined it for the rest of the class. One man has taught me, in my 30's- to distrust men. To distrust thier intentions and thier honesty. I will never allow love in, if I continue to believe that all men are dishonest, disrespectful, and ungrateful. If I am going to stay cynical, I may as well stay here- because at least then I can be right.

Uhhhhhhhhmmmmmm.......no.

Who is your higher power today??

My program is MIA. I haven't been to a meeting since before that mishap with my former sponsor. I have thought about going, but not with any real commitment to actually leaving the house to go.

Program gives me compassion. It gives me understanding. It helps me be patient. It helps me cope. It brings me back to my higher power. I am grateful for my program, however minimal it is in action, but it's in my heart and almost always on the forefront of my mind.

But, sometimes I think it makes me complacent. It makes me rethink the decisions I have made. Everytime I was ready to walk away, I would be in a meeting or talking with another person after a meeting, and I would hear something that would give me the strength, the inspiration, or perhaps even the guilt, to give it one more try. Am I too influenced by other people?? Have I become so flexible over the years that I really DON'T have my own convictions?

Detachment or Indifference??

It's hard sometimes to tell the difference. I think I have done a good job at detaching from some of the problems in this marriage that are not mine to tackle. But at the same time, I think I have become indifferent to them- and somewhat resentful. "I don't care" is not detachment. "I can't help you" is. I know that my husband is very sick right now. His doctor has ordered some tests and they are looking for something. Did he schedule those tests? Get the labs done? No.

So you see, it's hard for me to care, when I am not sure how much HE cares.

Sometimes indifference is the only way you can break free. Detach with love just doesn't seem possible. Don't care and keep my mouth shut, that is closer to what I'm capable of right now. Either way, I can't let his problems become my problems. They are not my problems anymore. Really, they never WERE my problems.

Born to fly

Sometimes it's hard to know when its the right time to act. In previous post I was thinking about timing and when it's the right time to make a life changing move and how it effects other people.

I have decided that I simply want out of this marriage. I want more. I deserve more. I realize that I am wasting my life by staying in a loveless marriage. It's over. I told my husband that my heart is not in it anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I just want my life back. And with no great emotion, not even a blink- he said "And I think you should have it." I think he was relieved. I know he is not happy, but you know- like me- he's stuck, too. I think we have this mutual addiction and dependency on what the one person can do for the other person, but no real love for each other. That is what I think. He tries to tell me that he is still in love with me, but I don't believe that. By way of my ego, I am naturally attracted to people who like me, and I can tell when someone doesn't. This is not love, this is insanity.

We talked about remaining civil. We both had pretty nasty post divorce relationships with our exes and the older kids did suffer from it. If we can avoid the extra stress, that would be good. He said he will not drag his feet on moving out. I did not give him a time frame, but I told him if it seemed like he was dragging his feet, then I would move without him. I simply have to escape this life.

For a long time I simply felt that I didn't deserve more than what I got. Being married to an addict, and a person with chronic illness does something to you. It puts you last. It tells you where you are in the batting order, and that is either behind everyone else- or simply the umpire. The one who decides what is 'safe' and gets yelled at all the time because your are making a bad call. I have had many psycologists tell me that Michael and I will not be able to focus on our marital problems until he first deals with his addiction problems, and then his health problems. He has been drinking, or on drugs, or sick, since the day we got married. It's been 7 years. SEVEN LONG YEARS. I can't wait until it's the right time for him. Once he's working, once he's feeling better, once the holidays are over.

No. I have to act when it's time for me. When I'm ready. I don't want to wait any longer, I have waited long enough. I should not have to wait another day.

I should not have to wait any longer to be the best part of someones day.
I should not have to wait any longer to be treated with respect.
I should not have to wait any longer for a partner- not just someone I'm married to.
I should not have to wait any longer to feel filled.
I should not have to wait any longer to be happy.

I'm ready. It's time to jump.