Letting go

This is my last Holidalies post. Lets recap. This month, I did nothing but study, potty train, and bitch about my husband. Yeah, no wonder I'm bored with this blog. Cause my life is pretty boring lately. I did not make the "Best Of" list this year, which doesn't surprise me. I appreciate those who read me on a regular basis and who tolerate my incessant bitching. I will try to do better in 2008. Maybe daily blogging isn't for me anymore. Maybe my life is just not that interesting now that I'm 'married' again.

I sat home last night, with Alex, watching Dick Clark's New Years Rockin Eve. I cried seeing Dick Clark. It was heartbreaking and inspiring to see him there. I did not watch last year so I did not know at the time that he also did this last year. His speech was not bad, considering he's just three years out from his stroke. I don't know the details but he was in the hospital for almost two months, which is a long time even for someone with money and probably private insurance if not a personal physician. It made me sad to see his deficits, the tell tale slurring of his speech, and proof of his age finally showing after so many years. I loved watching Dick Clark on TV as a kid. I guess seeing him like this, is yet another reminder that I am getting older and the things I loved as a child will soon be gone forever. I hope they always call it "Dick Clark's New Years Rockin Eve."

I went to bed along shortly after midnight, but was up this morning, ready to watch the Rose Parade. Danny was watching it with me. He seemed to like watching the marching bands, naming all the instruments that he could identify. Drums! Trombone! Tuba! Saxophone! Trumpet! Flute! Mama, where's the violin?? He watched the whole thing with me.

I have spent the last few days cleaning house. Throwing things away and collecting clothes to give to good will. I have three tubs of clothes. It makes me sad to give the boys clothes away. I know that there will be no more little ones, and that someone else can get good use of these clothes but it makes me sad just the same. Passage of time. It just something else to be sad about. The good things never last long enough. My children are not babies anymore. As much as I want things to change, there are some things I am less ready for.

looking ahead

What I look forward to in 2008:

Having no more kids in diapers. My goal is, by the end of the week to be completely done with diapers/ pull ups at least during his waking hours. At some point this year, my goal is April, to have Danny completely out of pull ups and potty trained 24/7. It's the end of the baby phase and while there are some things I will miss, the phases that last the longest are the ones that are most unpleasant.

Having no kids in day care. It won't be until September, but Danny will go into the 2 year Kindergarten program in September of 2008. It's the same program that Gabriel is in, a 2 year Kindergarten for kids who are right on the border of being old enough, but not mature enough or have a good enough grasp on the reading/writing aspect of Kindergarten. I remember when Kindergarten was just about colors and shapes and you learn to read and write in FIRST grade. Well the parents have pushed the school districts out here so far, that by the END of Kindergarten, a child will need to know how to write three sentences on one topic that start with a capital letter and end with a period. Jeez. So Danny will do 2 years of Kindergarten also. It will be great to see him learning at the rate that Gabriel is, and it will also be fantastic to not have to pay $135 a week for child care either.

Graduation. You seriously have no idea what a big deal this is for me. When I was pregnant with Danny, and e-husband decided to start a short lived relationship with crack cocaine, I had been going in community college, just taking general ed classes and thinking of maybe going into ultrasound technology or something trade schoolish. It seemed feasible, financially stable and not too grandiose. Once e-husband but closed the door on 'me believing he would ever be able to support us.'- I, 4 months pregnant- with a 10 month old baby and a 9 year old, decided I would go to school full time and pursue my bachelors degree. It took three semesters to get out of community college and I started Cal State Long Beach in Spring of 2006. Fast forward 5 semesters to May 2008 and I will graduate with my BS in Health Care Administration.

Graduate School. I have already applied. Upon acceptance, I will start in June 2008, three days after graduation. And 2 years later, I will have -my Masters Degree in Public Health. I will be the first of my mothers children to have a college degree. The third in the whole family to have a college degree, and the second to have a Masters- right behind my cousin Lori, who has been my unofficial college adviser, since that is what she does for a living, just not at the school I attend. She is the person I know will be cheering the loudest for me. It made me very happy to hear her at Christmas, telling me she will be making a special trip back to California, just for my graduation. It's nice to have a cheering section.

Disneyland. I am buying passes for me and Alex this year. While Disneyland is not my favorite place to go, and there were some days I would claim not to like it at all- I am looking forward to having this time with Alex. Something fun that is just for us and the other boys will not be involved in, at least not yet. I hope it will also be a good opportunity for me to spend time with my sister, and my friend Christine who is a Disney junkie.

Making more money. With my degree, holds a promise of a higher salary at my current job. My boss is in the works, trying to create a new title, and a salary that will justify my 40K education. In June, I hope to get that raise and enjoy a little more financial freedom. And by freedom, I mean, the freedom to pay my bills AND eat.

An improved relationship with my husband. Improvement goes both ways. There are days that I am ready to change my mind, file for divorce and be done with it. But really, I just can't visualize my life without him. Even if I TRY to. Either way, October 2008 is two years from the initial separation. And by then, I will simply have to make a decision. He will have to either man up and get the shit taken care of that I have requested of him- or I will have to move on with my life. I think two years is long enough. It's not as if I'm asking him to get HEALTHY. Just responsible.

More time with my kids. Starting next week, I am changing my work schedule. Instead of being at work at 6:30AM, I will be going in two hours later so I can drop my kids off at school in the morning. We can have breakfast together. They go to my parents house after school anyway, so they won't have to get up so early- I will get to sleep in and I will have more time. I only have one class on campus for my final semester, and the rest is online so I will be home more nights a week. Graduate school is 100% online. I have always said that I was going to school and doing all of this FOR them, to make all of our lives better. Unfortunately, it meant I was in class 2 to 4 nights a week. But now, it's time for me to dedicate more time to them. That is why I am paying more for an online graduate program- because I can't be away from them any longer. Graduate school was not part of the original plan. That's for me. But I won't do it at their expense.

You know, looking at this list- I really do have much to look forward to. Even if I hit road blocks and bumps and even some emotional tornadoes, there are things that will happen if I just stay on the path I've been on. Everyone has told me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And while I've been focusing on that light, I am finally starting to feel the heat from the sun on the other end. I'm starting to believe that it really will get better.

All My Children

Sarah, e-husband's daughter is in town this week visiting. It was so good to see her. She's so grown up. So different than she was when she left a year and a half ago. For one, her hair is really REALLY short. She said she spikes it, so it looks more feminine, but it wasn't spiked yesterday- so she basically had Alex's hair cut. I have a picture of my 4 sons!! ahk!! She said she usually wears make up to look less like a boy. Yesterday she had on a leather jacket as well, rounding out the butch look. Regardless, I don't care what she looks like. She's such a good kid, a straight A student. Confident about herself.

She showed me her portfolio of her art work. She is very good. I was amazed. She's only 14!! She is so different from any other girl her age. She's definitely ahead of her years. She likes drawing movie stars and such. Mostly women. I didn't see any pencil drawings of men- like this one (Jennifer Garner).

It was nice spending the day with her, and seeing her with her brothers. She brought Christmas presents for everyone. I think Alex was disappointed because she's so much more grown up. They used to 'play'- you know. And yesterday they just hung out- watched TV. She wasn't very interested in his PSP.

I wished she could come back and stay with us here, but there's not enough time. She will hopefully be back this summer to stay with us, and that will be good for everyone. For now she is with her dad, at the e-inlaws house. We will see her again later this week- at least once. It felt good though, all of us together- our weird crazy family.

The Belt

I don't belt my kids. Don't get me wrong, I have spanked. I have spanked with a wooden spoon (usually just one to two whacks) and of course, bare handed on the bum when it's appropriate. But I don't belt.

I was belted as a kid. I don't know how many times. There was a wooden paddle in my house, that sadistically had names of all the kids who had been belted with it. I don't really know how that happened. Maybe it was something that was around, and at parties, when parents needed to whoop their kids, it was handy. Thinking back, what a weird fucking concept. That stick was broken over my knee. I don't remember how old I was, but I remember that I was too damn old to be spanked like that. And the last time I was spanked by my step dad (who was the bastard that always doled out that punishment) was with a belt. I remember I was in 7th grade and the offense was stealing $5 to see Purple Rain and being somewhere that I should not have been. That, and a poor interpretation of my diary.

Here's a parenting tip: "He said he wants to fuck me again" when you are 12, sometimes means "He said it- again". NOT 'fucking me-again.' So basically I was beat with a belt because I was supposedly sexually active. Well, that's a proper use of discipline huh? By the way, over the shirt boob touching is NOT sexually active.

And did I straighten out and become a perfect, honest, and virginous girl? Um, no. I just hated my parents for a long time.

I have been poorly advised that a good "lesson" with the belt will straighten out Alex. That a beating, such as the one that I received when I was way too old for it will solve all of my problems. Yes, because it did wonders for me. Picture this, if I may creep you out for a second, at age 12, having to pull my pants down and lay down on my parents bed while my step dad watched. That, in itself, is wrong on many many levels. Then picture me having my 13 year old son do the same thing, drop trou and lay down. That's just wrong. Sick and wrong. Besides the fact that these days, you can have social services on your door for that kind of thing, it just isn't right for me or my kids.

Is spanking considered child abuse? Generally, my opinion is no. I think there are times when a firm hand is certainly effective. Times when a good spank on the bare bottom, a slap on the hand, or a knock upside the head or a child is appropriate and necessary when it works. However, I noted when Alex was around 7 or 8, that it was no longer getting my message across. My parents message, during my age 12 belt beating, was one of power and control. They wanted me to know that they were the 'boss of me'- and apparently of my body and my sexuality too. The $5 was not the issue, and I knew that right away. Yeah, that worked out well, didn't it?

Off for 9 days

I have the next 9 days off of work. nine days.

I wish I was going somewhere. The reason I took the time off is because the kids are off school. E-husband has been home with them the last few days and I have next week. I don't have money to do anything exciting, so I will spend most of the time cleaning house, putting away Christmas decorations and just spending time with the kids. Sarah my step daughter is in town next week also, so I'm hoping to spend at least one or two days at the e-inlaws with her. Danny will hopefully be 100% potty trained- but I suspect it will just be 100% of #1 trained. Still won't make the poop in the potty. But that comes with time. He will use the potty, even if he has a pull up on- so that helps.

E-husband will be gone next week, and I suspect at least a week after that. I am relieved. I need a break. He has been unbearable this week. I understand if he isn't feeling well, but there's no need in being a complete douchebag to everyone else. He's welcome to a big bowl of shut up and go away. Driving away without him on Sunday is not going to bother me at all.

School starts the end of January. I only have one class on campus and it's at 7PM. I have no more early classes, so I'm going to change my work schedule so I can spend 40 minutes dropping all the kids off at school each day. It means that I get to sleep until 6:30- instead of waking up at 5. We will leave the house at 7:20- drop off Danny, then Alex- and walk Gabe to class at 8AM. Then head off to work where I will stay until 5. I figure if I don't have class, then my parents should not have to get up at 6AM- as well as take the kids after school.

I'm trying to make a shift here. Focus more on the kids because I have time to do it. I will still have studying to do, but at least I can be at home more often and we will have that time in the morning. I've always tried to give the kids as much as I can, knowing that my time was limited due to the 9-12 evening hours a week I had to spend at school. Now I can give them more of my time, and hopefully that will be good for all of us. Also, since dinner time at my mom's house is at 5- chances are, I will get a cooked hot meal when I show up at my mothers house at least 3 nights a week- which right there is worth it for me. :)

So I'm going to put in a good hard days work here, and head out for 9 days.

Oh, and kudos to my sister who is working for a subprime that is closing thier doors today. Poor thing, she works in HR and has spent the last 6 months laying off about 2000 people. She's like the angel of death. Love you girl!!!

Christmas morning.

The kids are napping. The morning started at 6:45. Gabriel was so excited to see if Santa came. It was really cute. Last year, he didn't quite get it. Danny didn't get it this year. He didn't want to get out of bed.

E-husband did not get out of bed, but this is nothing new.

Once the kids went threw their presents, favorites were identified. Gabe's favorite was a spiderman toy that was meant for him, but I let Danny open because Gabe had more presents. Danny's favorite was a 2 inch rocket pen (pen part removed) that I got from a vendor at work that lights up and has that blue oil/ lava effect. Cost= $0.00

Alex is with his dad so he will get his presents later tonight. It was a nice morning until I had to start putting together my vegetable platter to take with me this afternoon. I could not find the dip package that I bought, so I had to go to the store to buy a new one. The store? On Christmas morning? FAT CHANCE!

What was open was the local "groceria."

Let me tell you what I can surmise from my trip to my local mexican grocer.

Mexicans do not do dip.

There was no dip. No premade dip, no dry dip packages. Not even the Hidden Valley Dip Mix. Just salad dressing. And no onion soup mix either. Apparently Mexicans also so not eat onion soup from a package. I was thinking of things I had at home that I could make dip with, I considered buying a bottle of spices, like a cajun mix and pouring some into the sour cream- but I just didn't know how that would taste and I do not like to wing it. I don't wing with food. I am not a wing-er in the kitchen. Publicly being the LEAST homemakerish of my mom's daughters, I don't want want it to be OBVIOUS when I am being domestically inept. I can't bring salt, pepper and garlic mixed with sour cream and call it dip. So I did the next best thing. I called my mother in law for some advice.

She shared with me the secret of the dip I loved so much on Sunday.

Taco Bell meat seasoning.

A-ha!! They definitely had taco seasoning at la groceria. One package of Taco Bell meat seasoning + 8 ounces of sour cream and Julie not only looks competent in the kitchen, but creative as well. I have an appetizer dish from Tupperware. I did the fancy peeling on the cucumbers. And yes, mother, I did the zig zag flower thing with the radishes. I would never shame your domestic highness by sloppily presenting my vegetables.



Merry Christmas everyone.

-julie

Right down Santa Claus lane.

Christmas with the e-inlaws was really nice. I managed to ignore the e-husbands bitching while he was getting ready. Before he got into the car, he complained one last time to which I replied, "Will you just SHUT UP!?!" Nobody was forcing him to go. He could have, at any point said, "I'm not going, you go." But he didn't, he chose to complain like a teenager. But I shut him up pretty good and everyone slept for almost the entire hour long car ride.

I did, however, make sure to put on the radio station that was playing nothing but Christmas music as soon as we got in the car- to which Here Comes Santa Claus was playing. I turned it up. Hee hee. Satan Clause.

(My inlaws house, all lit up for Christmas. Dig the palm trees!)

Despite the Grinch I brought with me, I had a wonderful time. I am blessed with good people for inlaws. I had not seen a lot of them for a few since, since the separation but I was embraced as if I never left, and even Aunt D commented that she didn't blame me for walking away, but she is glad that I am back. E-husband snapped out of it after a good nap taken and he even came by and apologized eventually. However, I did keep my distance all night. I didn't want to run the risk of him ruining my good spirits.

The kids enjoyed opening their presents, and of course they never have enough to open- but they got a lot of good stuff. Gabe and Dan got a DVD player for their room. They didn't know how to be excited about that- but later today- when it's all hooked up- I know I will be happy about it!!! I got a laptop tray, which is kind of like a TV tray, but it's metal and it's got lip so my laptop does not slide off. I think it was the only think I could say that I WANTED for Christmas, so I'm very glad that I got it. I also got some cash, some gift cards and some good smelling body stuff.

I think what a few of us really wanted, was what little Maddie got, which was some Hannah Montana underwear.

You may not be able to tell, but they are glittery, and truly adorable.

The boys are excited about Santa coming tonight. I hope they enjoy the presents. If e-husband does not get out of bed in the morning, we will open presents without him. I will not make them wait for him to drag his lazy ass out of bed, considering he didn't do any shopping anyway. Christmas morning will not wait for him.

Christmas starts today.

Christmas is in two days, or one day depending on when you do your celebrating. We are doing some celebrating today. We are going to the e-inlaws because it's more convenient that doing it tomorrow because lots of the family has to work. I haven't seen some of his aunts and uncles in a few years. I have been somewhat removed since the separation, although I don't feel like it because I still see his parents.

I wish I had presents to bring them, but I don't. I am bringing them 4 bags of Dale and Thomas popcorn, and really, that is a great present, if you ask me. Besides, I think the gifts I buy them are never really anything super. I mean, my inlaws have everything they need. They are not rich, but they are comfortable and they live somewhat simple lives. So gift buying for them is not easy- they have everything they need or really use. I am sure if I bought my mother in law a really ugly ceramic figurine of medusa- she would be really gracious about it. She's like that with me. I do like my inlaws, they are nice people and while they tend to cramp e-husbands style, they have never cramped mine. I am lucky that way. My mother in law doesn't get on my case about anything. The first few years we were married, she gave me crock pots and domestic-ish books, but since then she has learned that I am not domestic by most means and she has stopped doing that. We went through some pajama years, in which she bought me warm, long pants, long sleeve pajama's, which, much to e-husbands dismay, I loved.

My ex mother in law, my EX husbands mother did not like me much. She tried to. In the beginning she did, but she flipped around a lot. We had words, more than once and every time
it was because her and her son would get into an argument and she would blame me for it. That I somehow had brainwashed him. Whatever.

Extended family is always challenging. I think joining my family is tough because we are run mostly by strong women and passive men. The women who have married into the family have all had issues with us. Probably because the women who have married in are also strong women. We can add all the passive men we want to, but when you add another strong woman to the mix, there is some time of adjustment. Family is important to us. We are not a family that only gets together on holidays. Immediate family includes aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. It's overwhelming if you don't want to play along. I suspect this is the same thing that happened with my ex-inlaws.

I think they key to it is just being flexible. That is how I think I have kept peace with my e-inlaws through all of the mess with e-husband and dividing holiday times.

Flexible. The holidays don't last very long and who cares if you have to get together on the 23rd?

Two Billion Dollars update

I got an A on that paper I wrote for my Global Health Class. Yah!! I worked very hard on it and I am curious if she will give us feedback. So far I have two B's this semester. I got a 95% on my Epidemiology Paper, which also gave me a B in that class. I have one more class I am waiting for my grade on. I hope that I also get an B in that class. If I get a C, it will put my GPA at 2.9.

2.9 sucks. 3.0 is awesome. It's all just one tenth of a point. One tenth of a point could keep me out of fucking graduate school. Of course I have one more semester, and I am in close contact with my enrollment advisor, so hopefully I will be able to bypass it. I don't know. It will truly piss me off if I can't get into graduate school because of one tenth of a point.

I have decided to get my graduate degree in Public Heath. I would like to think I can make a difference. I would like to think that I can use my education to help people. Health care is tricky. It's twisted and sometimes it seems like it has nothing to do with health. The business of helping people is still a business, unfortunately.

I was talking to my boss today about that poor girl here who died waiting for her liver transplant. She had leukemia and a bone marrow transplant which caused an infection and organ failure. One of those organs was her liver and they wanted to do a liver transplant and the insurance company would not approve it, saying it was experimental. Now, liver transplants are not experimental by any means, however, perhaps the assumption that a liver transplant would help her other organs heal?- maybe they simple were not sure. I don't really know. Apparently though, the insurance company finally DID approve the transplant, but the girl died before they were able to.

Everyone is ripping into the insurance company for denying the procedure (after initially approving it). It was after the marrow transplant and her infection and organ failure that they denied it. Either way, it's very sad. For the family and her loved ones. Very sad.

However, as a Health Care Administrator, and someone who works in a hospital, AND a mother I am forced to wonder....

This young girl had cancer. She was having organ failure and pneumonia. I'm sure there are committees and such within the insurance company (and yes, the ones who make those decisionmakers ARE doctors, I'm told) who have to weigh all of these things. I would hate to have to make that decision. The 'right thing to do' for her, may have not been the right thing for the next person, it may but too many people at risk had there been a bad outcome. She may have been waiting anyway. They never really said how far up on the donor list she was.

Should the insurance company (or anyone) pay for a very expensive procedure like this, under these circumstances, when it means that someone else who does not have cancer and who is not having organ failure does NOT get the liver? What if it was your child who needed it, what if it was your child who was next on the list?

Just thinkin... there are no good answers.

Holiday Meme about me me me me meeeeee!

I haven't Chrismas Meme'd yet, so I will do it now- thanks to Golf Widow and I will tag Shibari, Blissfully Wed and Jaws (cause she doesn't blog enough!!)


1. Wrapping or gift bags? I am really bad about buying gift wrap. I always get it at the last minute. Santa has different gift wrap than the presents that come from mom and dad. That is a pain in the ass.

2. Real or artificial tree? I have a fake tree. It was given to me about three years ago from someone I used to work with that I didn't think really liked me. She said she had this 8 foot artificial tree that was too big for her condo, so she just gave it to me. It's such a blessing because I never have money to buy a tree.

3. When do you put up the tree? This year I put it up right after thanksgiving. It's a fake tree so it keeps all season.

4. When do you take the tree down? Last year I waited until the third week in January. It's a fake tree and I like the lights.

5. Do you like eggnog? Not really. It's so thick. Incidentally I don't like yogurt drinks either.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I got a teddy bear from my step dad, I named him Barney. I still have it. I left in on a school trip in high school and I had the hotel send it to me.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? I do have one, but I didn't put it up this year. It's not a fancy one, just white ceramic. I have no place to put it this year.

8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I broke up with someone on Christmas one year. After we exchanged gifts, we had sex and then I said, "This isn't working, is it?" He agreed and we broke up. Good old, Bob.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? I have not sent out Christmas cards in several years. I used to hand make them but I just don't have the time. I admit I usually send out e-cards.

10. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Ref and The Santa Clause.

11. When do you start shopping for Christmas? This year I went the weekend after Thanksgiving, but usually I shop whenever my paycheck before Christmas comes in.

12. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My sisters Christmas potatoes, and my aunts fudge.

13. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Usually colored. This year they are all green.

14. Favorite Christmas song? All I want for Christmas, Mariah Carey. Rockin around the Christmas Tree, Brenda Lee.

15. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We usually go to family- but they are all local.

16. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yes, I know the song!!

17. Angel on the tree top or a star? I like stars, but this year since I had to get all new ornaments I could not find a star that I liked, so I have a bow.

18. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning? I really don't care. It truly makes no difference to me, but of course for the kids, Christmas morning.

19. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I never have money to buy the gifts I want for people.

20. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color? No.

21. What do you leave for Santa? We have left cookies and milk. And also nuts for the reindeer.

22. Least favorite holiday song? Santa Clause is coming to town, Bruce Springsteen. Jingle Bells, Barbara Streisand.

23. Favorite ornament? E-husband and I bought these two cheap ornaments the first year we were together. One is a sun and the other is a moon. We used to have this sun/moon thing going on. They have been on our/my tree every year and they are always next to each other.

the moments that terrify

I was having a decent day. Today is my last final for the semester. I had a nice lunch and I was getting ready to get back to work when I got a call from my son's school. It was Gabriel's Kindergarten teacher and she was wondering if e-husband was going to pick up Gabriel from school because he wasn't there yet. It was 1:20.

roll back 35 minutes. I was on the phone with ehusband and he was on his way to pick him up.

A blanket of terror covered me. Just this morning he told me he was feeling kind of dizzy. The medication he's on makes him tired. He is back on his insulin pump so he runs a risk of his blood sugar dropping. A brittle diabetic, his blood sugar is hard to manage. It's not just about food anymore. I called him twice, and when he did not answer, I called my step dad who said he would be right over to pick up Gabriel. I sat for about 20 seconds, sort of stunned and looked at my boss who sits on the other side of my desk.

"I have to go."

I grabbed my things and ran out the door.

I called him several times, driving through traffic carefully. I have this fear that I'm going to be in a hurry, on my way to an emergency and carelessly get into an accident. I drove to my apartment, hoping he was still at home. Last night I found him hunched over his computer, fast asleep. Not passed out- but asleep. This morning he told me he was a little dizzy.

I am not sure exactly what combination of medication does this. I think it's the neurontin and the way it mixes with different meds he takes. The doctors change his pain meds a lot, and sometimes add stuff that enhances the meds he's already taken. It's the 1 + 1= 4 idea of medications. It seems like this is the mix of his super pain meds and the neurontin, which he takes for nerve damage/pain.

When he wasn't at my apartment, I drove to Gabriel's school. My car was parked there. I pulled into the parking lot and found him in the car. Slumped sideways and somewhat pale. I pounded on the window and called his name. As he didn't wake up I reached for my cell phone but then I realized the passenger side door was open. I went to the other side and opened the door. Once I realized he had a pulse I shook him, yelling his name until he woke up. He was disoriented and a bit startled.

Jesus.

When I got him home, I made him some food and we talked a little bit. He was still groggy, and sometimes would 'wake up' and say something totally unrelated to the conversation. We did agree that he shouldn't be driving anymore. Also that he needs to stop taking the neurontin. At least during the daytime. Or he needs to take less of it. He's unsafe to care for the kids like this. He agreed. I put him to bed for now.

You know, I was just imagining him having crashed the car into someone. Maybe passed out and cracking his head on a table, bleeding. All sort of scary things were going through my mind. I'm glad it is something that sounds silly. He fell asleep in the car. Fell asleep...of course, I know that it's not as simple as all that. He didn't just doze off.

The kids are at my mom's until I get out of school tonight. I am studying but still shaken up. I'm grateful that he was ok this time, but I know one of these times it will be worse. It's just a matter of time.

Soup, THERE IT IS!!!

I can't find a embeddable link for Dick in a Box, but this is another favorite for Christmas.

Justin timberlake SNL
Uploaded by woody971-2

Is Christmas really next week??

Last week we saw this blow up carousel one someones lawn, it is really obnoxious. Santa, Frost, and Elf and a penguin were riding reindeer. (A penguin??) Alex commented about how none of those reindeer was Rudolph.

I told him that Santa would ride Dasher. He's up the favorite, that's why he's up front. "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer.... everyone knows THAT!" He said, "Well I thought Rudolph was the hero?"

Ah kids. Rudolph was a one shot deal. He's like the guy who does ONE good thing and is immortalized for life, but you know- those other reindeer are the ones who do all the work.

He's a one hit wonder.

Two Billion Dollars

Two billion dollars is a lot of money to spend. Even theoretically, and on a good cause, I could not do it.

My Global Health final paper asked me to create a project to help reduce mortality rates in children under age 5. Focus on one area of need. I have 2 billion dollars. TWO BILLION. It sounded very easy except I could not just GIVE a billion away. You have to have a plan.

My plan, I think, was actually very good.

The HC Program plans to focus in this area by investing up to $2 billion dollars towards this goal. We will be partnering with UNICEF and the SIMS program through Loma Linda University in Loma Linda, California. We will focus our attention on the neglected rural areas of Sub-Saharan Africa. The SIMS program is a volunteer program through Loma Linda University which offers a rare opportunity for students, faculty and alumni to volunteer their time and skills to countries that are in dire need of healthcare services. The SIMS program requires that the volunteers pay for their own transportation to the country, and a small fee for lodging that is already made available for them. The cost to volunteers of the SIMS program is from $200- $800 per program month. Food and laundry is provided to the volunteers and each program lasts about one month. There are currently 20 hospitals (“sites”) in the area that the SIMS program sends volunteers to. The HCP will partner with the SIMS program and UNICEF to create a program that extends past the programs already in place. The goal of this 8 year program is to increase the volunteers that participate in the SIMS program and offer added incentives for repeat volunteers to go further into the countries to provide maternal and child care where the access is very limited. The program will consist of the following:

· Transportation from the airport to the site. Currently the SIMS program is paying for transportation of the volunteers to the site they are assigned to. The HCP will assume the costs for this transportation for the HC Program which will also transport volunteers for the core SIMS program. These vehicles will remain at the site and transport HC Program volunteers to 60 different rural areas to reach areas in need, make visits to homes of patients who cannot be brought to the clinics and transfer patients to a hospital for more urgent medical needs. (Budgeted 3Million)

· Medical Supplies including vaccinations, oral rehydration supplies, bed nets, and antibiotics will be transported to these rural areas and townships where care will be provided. Prenatal counseling, breastfeeding education will be also be provided. (Budgeted 575Milion)

· If a clinic, church or local location is not available to provide services, the HC Program will contract with local peoples to build a facility, however we do not expect this to be the case in most areas. Most townships have a church or religious meeting place where we can provide services. (Budgeted 500K)

· We will create or renovate neonatal care units in the 20 SIMS hospital sites. (Budgeted 1 Million).

· The HC Program will invest money to renovate the guest houses that core SIMS program volunteers stay in. 25% of the Volunteers stay on the hospital grounds, however most stay in guesthouses nearby. The HC Program wishes to invest in upgrading accommodations when possible including the addition of some modern comforts such as internet access and satellite television as an added incentive and a way for the volunteers to stay connected with their families. (Budgeted 1Million).

· The HC Program will build small guest houses in 60 villages extending past the 20 core SIMS sites. These modest guest houses will be co-ed and house 5-7 persons. Four scheduled times a month, Volunteers can return to the core SIMS sites if they wish for communication or debriefing.

· The HCP will also offer a $2,000 Stipend toward educational loans to students who volunteer for 30 or more days with the HC Program. Volunteers are eligible to earn up to $10,000 in stipends. (5 Programs) This investment will help students offset their financial responsibilities while offering them a life changing opportunity to be of service to their fellow man. (Budgeted 58 Million)

· Volunteers who spend 90 or more consecutive days with the HC Program will be reimbursed for their program costs. We anticipate about 20 persons over the 8 year program to spend 90 or more days in the affected area (Budgeted 80K).

· 90% of the worlds children with HIV are living in Sub-Saharan Africa, most of them in rural regions where they cannot receive treatment or they cannot travel to where the treatment is. The HC Program will provide access to antiretroviral medications by donating $2 Million a year to pay for antiretroviral drugs the 8 year program. A years supply of generic antiretroviral medications currently cost about $200. (Avert.org) These funds will cover the cost of treatment for up to 10,000 infected children a year. It is our hope that by 2015, universal access to AIDS treatment will be available and many of the children who will benefit from that will still be alive due to our efforts.

I even earmarked 600 million dollars to go to other organizations to achieve these goals And I STILL only spent 1.3 billion. I still have 700 million I can spend. With number like that, it may as well be "gazillion dollars." I just don't know what those numbers are. I don't know if my numbers make sense. It seems like $100,000 a month is enough for a small clinic that will only dispense basic maternal and well-child care. Antibiotics etc. Either way. I think my plan sounds good- but who knows. I don't work for the Hilton Foundation and I have no idea what really is involved in organizing large scale volunteer work. Scary though, to think that somewhere in the world, there is a child dying of dehydration because her family lives too far from a clinic where they can hook her up to IV fluids or fill her with Pedialyte. Generic antibiotics cost pennies a day. PENNIES. And in these remote areas, millions of kids that are MY KIDS age are dying. It's sad.

I know this is why I want to be in Public Health. I keep going back and forth regarding my masters program. MPH or MBA. Today I'm feeling MPH, but you know when I get my pay check next week, I may lean back towards MBA. sigh...

big girls don't cry

I need to get back on my meds. I just do.

I don't really want to. I like to think that I have been ok without it. It's been a few months now. I have generalized anxiety and depression, no kidding huh?? My doctor put my on Lexapro a year and a half ago when the oldest beastie moved away and I was losing someone else important to me. I was popping Xanax 4 times a day and getting shaky when it would wear off. So she put me on a daily pill and other than the initial side effects, it worked pretty well. I had less 'attacks'. That feeling that I wanted to rip my skin off all but went away. The chest pains stopped. The panic attacks lessened.

Like most people who are on these kinds of drugs, I often would forget to take it, or I would forget or OPT to not refill my script when I needed to because I didn't have the money. Usually in about 4 or 5 days the chest pains would come back and all of that other stuff. It was noticable, to me, and to others.

Mid October I simply didn't have the money to fill the script. At the time, there was some other really major things going on so it was not strange to anyone that I was acting strangely. Those who were in the know, sat silent and observant. Patient with me, thank God, knowing I was doing my best to control the mood swings and the sudden urge to do something drastic. By November, I think my body got used to NOT having it- and it didn't seem so bad. I admit, I pulled out my Big Book and practiced some of my Al-Anon prayers and such on days when I really thought I was gonna lose it. I really don't WANT to take them anymore. Not because I have an aversion to taking medicines, but because I just want to feel as if my life is less stressful. I want to act as if I can handle these life struggles. Fake it till you make it.

Wear makeup, work hard, put on the impression that I'm fine and then I will BE fine.

I don't know if I AM fine or not. I do find myself more withdrawn from my family, and sometimes even my friends. I find that I am much more selfish with my time, and I a lot less tolerant of people and drama. The chest pains have returned. The panic attacks are stronger and the over all feelings of anxiety crawl up my spine- I can feel it. I have been crying a lot. A lot. Enough to call them 'spells'. And I just can't deal with that. I hate being an emotional wreck. I get the feeling that I appear manic to people and it makes me crazy when I am talking so fast that I stumble over words.

So I'm going to fill my script today. It's downstairs in the pharmacy. It's responsible and it's what's best for me and probably for my family. My med vacation is finished. Crazy time is over. Time to get back to 'normal'.

Chicks who dig porn

I received my new toys in the mail today. I was really hoping for my Dale and Thomas Popcorn order, but you know, a new vibe is never a BAD thing. One of the toys I bought takes batteries- but you know, my rabbit is rechargeable and doesn't take batteries. Funny, but I can't think of the last time I had to even BUY "C" batteries.

With my order I also got catalog which has lots of things, but mostly movies. I don't own a LOT of porn movies, but it wouldn't be the worst thing to have a nice porn collection. Really you don't need to with websites like pornotube or youporn, or spermshack. I won't link em, you can look em up.

However, Vivid Video has filed a lawsuit against Pornotube for copyright infringement. You can't just put whole video clips from a movie online, can you?? It seems very similar to what You Tube does, which also resulted in a lawsuit over clips from the Daily Show.

We should pay for our porn. It's the right thing to do, I know. It is not right to support sites that support copyright infringement and make no money. I know. Really.

Vivid, actually, does make decent porn- and by "decent" I mean, pretty people and good lighting. But why pay $30 for the full length movie- when all you really need is about 10 wonderful hardcore minutes.

Don't judge me. You do it too. If you don't, you should try it.

Losing my mind

I didn't post yesterday. Shit!! I thought I did, considering that I did nothing but write last night- but I guess that was all about committees, team building- and cock. Well, I write in different places.

I did not post here, nor did I post an entry to Holidalies which sucks cause now everyone will know that I missed a day. Personally I think I should be given credit when I post twice in one day.

Crazy busy the next two weeks, so I apologize if my posts are rambles or meme's (which I would totally do anyway) but I have to stay focused of getting these fucking papers written. I am a trying to write two papers. One on improving collaborate team meetings (due tomorrow), and the other on reducing child mortality in Sub-Saharan Africa.

Personally I prefer to write about cock. I'm more of an expert on the subject.

Julie's Holiday Newsletter

Happy Holidays Family and Friends!!!

Let me please start by announcing that "The Sister" is Cancer Free. This is probably the best news that I could have received this Christmas. After her surgery, I admit that I was trying not to think about the possible news we would receive- but after I got the best call I got all month- I sat on the floor and cried so many tears of relief. Tears that I know we all share.

On that positive note, lets get right into the craziness that lives here in my crappy apartment.

Oldest Beastie moved back home with me last summer. His dad also came back to California so Oldest beastie won't be without his dad and I had no such luck as to have my ex husband on the other side of the country. I think it was definitely an adventure for Oldest beastie to be away from me, but I am glad to have him home since he is old enough to do the dishes and cook easy meals for himself and his brothers. He is venturing head first into teenager-hood, and hopefully we can clothesline him before he causes any major trouble for himself. So far he's managed to drop his grades, ditch school, and get sent to the principles office for getting into a lunchtime ruckus! And it's only December. Oh, how they grow!!

Middle beastie is in Kindergarten now. It's a two year Kindergarten program for kids who are the the right age to start but maybe no advanced enough. I was told by his teacher that at the end of Kindergarten they want children to be able to write three sentences on one topic that start with a capital letter and end with a period. Holy shit, I don't even know if Oldest beastie would make it out of Kindergarten right now!! He is obsessed with Spiderman and spends the weekends in this Spiderman costume even out in public, webbing innocent people and other kids who give him funny looks. For all that macho spiderman stuff, you'd think he'd stop crying all the time though, he is still kind of a Sally.

Baby beastie just turned four. He's still potty training, but definitely making progress. It's about time. Everyone told me that he would not graduate high school in diapers, but I think we were cutting it close. I also think that if we let him, he would. You gotta give him credit though- at age 4 the kid can throw down 5 slices of pizza in one sitting.

The Daughter is still in Colorado with her mom and step dad. She is becoming a very good artist and loves comic books and Law and Order. Go figure. She also chopped her hair off, and I can't imagine that that looks like because that girl refuses to pose for pictures, but we will know soon because she'll be home for New Years and I plan to attack her with my camera!!

As for me and e-husband, well, that is still a neverending story. It appears that we are heading towards a reconciliation. Raising all these kids alone is just not as easy as I make it seem. Things are improving for us, and while he still struggles with his health, he's not dead yet!! SCORE!

I am graduation this May, so put that on your calendars, people. Lets see if I can get mom to cry and tell her I've made her proud. Don't hold your breath, but bring your camera's... just in case. I am going to jumping into a graduate program right after graduation so I have 2 1/2 more years to go and I will finally be done with school. Hopefully by then I will be able to get a job that will pay off the 80 grand I will owe in student loans!!

So that is what is going on in the life and family of Julie. The more things change, the more things stay the same. Kids are crazy, husband is still sick and miserable and I'm super-fucking-woman.

Merry Christmas!!

-julie

unfancy

I don't have a lot of nice clothes. I mean, I dont' walk around in rags, but my wardrobe consists of basics. Lately, mostly scrub pants and t-shirt type tops. I do have some nicer pants. By nicer, I mean, nicer than scrub pants- but not really "nice." So every year when I go to this holiday party, I am at a loss for what to wear.

Last year I wore pants and a low cut top and jacket. It was nice enough. I wasn't fancy. I'm NOT fancy. In years past I have worn dresses that I bought for the occasion. Semi-fancy, but I never felt gorgeous in any of them. This year will be no different.

I was going to wear the dress I wore two years ago. I went out today and bought some shoes and nylons for it. I bought the dreaded thigh high nylons, because I'm on my period, and it is really a bitch having to pull nylons on and off all night- so I bought these to save me the trouble. E-husband raised an eyebrow when he saw me pull the thigh highs up my leg. Of course, I almost fell forward trying to balance my fat-assness on one leg.

I also picked up another outfit that I thought looked cute, because it was 50% off. I thought maybe I would wear it tonight. I thought wrong. It was just wrong. It was a red velvet top that looked really cute on the hanger- but really NOT cute on me. The skirt I got in black, so that was ok. Ehusband asked me to try the dress on, but I had already decided on the dress because I hated the red velvet top. So I put it on, and it looked and felt like it always had. He said, "I liked the other outfit."

Crap. He likes the other outfit? The one I hate?? The one that makes me look like a whore in Santa's village??

I have a few other tops that might be ok, one looks good- only if I show cleavage equal to just walking out in a bra. I really don't want to spend anymore time shopping for this. I want to enjoy the party. I think I'm going to go with the velvet skirt and a thin, see through-ish purple and gold top that I got from a friend. I don't know if the materials match. I don't think I care anymore.

I refuse to allow my inability to find a nice outfit make me not want to go to this party! Because really, nobody is going to notice. I don't see these people every day. It's just not a big deal.

Changing directions

I'm becoming somewhat disechanted. I'm finishing this semester and I have one left. My intention is/ was to start my Masters in Public Health program the weekend after graduation. But lately, I've been thinking that perhaps Public Health is not exactly where I want to go. Maybe an advanced degree in Health Care is not where I want to be. I am just not sure, that without clinical experience, nursing etc,. I will not just be educating myself into a life of paperwork and meetings. Do I WANT to spend the rest of my life studying epidemiology? Do I want to run statistics 52 weeks a year for the next 25 years? And I think that is the direction I may be headed, and I don't know that I really WANT that.

So I am looking into an MBA program instead. I can choose a specialty, and I may lean towards marketing. I think I am pretty creative. A large part of my job entails marketing/ advertising stuff. I think an MBA, with an undergraduate degree in Health Care Admin will open more doors than an MPH alone. By the time I'm done, I will have 4 year at the hospital. So I will have hospital experience. I can stay in Health Care- but be able to do more. And even LEAVE healthcare if I want.

I love my job right now. However, I don't live comfortably. Uncomfortable = rent is 45% of my take home pay. I have never been one to job hop for money- and I think that my biggest problem is my own confidence level. I don't sell myself well. I still have a hard time realizing that with my bachelors degree I can demand a higher salary, and even higher with a graduate degree. Not because it doesn't happen, just because it's weird that it would happen to me.

A friend of mine said, "You put WAY more into your effort into your education to get a better job than I ever did, so why shouldn't you make more than me?" I don't know, his job seems important. Mine? Well, I know it IS important, but on a smaller scale. I don't know. I guess until I get my confidence level up, I can have all the education in the WORLD and it still would not get me the job if I don't believe in myself enough to sell it in an interview.

I guess that is my next obstacle, but surely not the only one.

Half Nekkid Thursday

E-husband got a new camera for his birthday.



This really is my favorite place to be. On the couch watching TV. I'm in the middle of finals right now, I have one presentation, two papers, and two tests in the next 14 days so I won't be spending too much time on the couch anyway.

I committed to Holidalies, so lucky you- you won't miss my daily bit of "Julie-ness", but I suspect my HNT's will be older ones. But for now, there ya go.

Happy HNT! And for all of you not in the know, go see Os and see who else is getting Half Nekkid!!