big girls don't cry

I need to get back on my meds. I just do.

I don't really want to. I like to think that I have been ok without it. It's been a few months now. I have generalized anxiety and depression, no kidding huh?? My doctor put my on Lexapro a year and a half ago when the oldest beastie moved away and I was losing someone else important to me. I was popping Xanax 4 times a day and getting shaky when it would wear off. So she put me on a daily pill and other than the initial side effects, it worked pretty well. I had less 'attacks'. That feeling that I wanted to rip my skin off all but went away. The chest pains stopped. The panic attacks lessened.

Like most people who are on these kinds of drugs, I often would forget to take it, or I would forget or OPT to not refill my script when I needed to because I didn't have the money. Usually in about 4 or 5 days the chest pains would come back and all of that other stuff. It was noticable, to me, and to others.

Mid October I simply didn't have the money to fill the script. At the time, there was some other really major things going on so it was not strange to anyone that I was acting strangely. Those who were in the know, sat silent and observant. Patient with me, thank God, knowing I was doing my best to control the mood swings and the sudden urge to do something drastic. By November, I think my body got used to NOT having it- and it didn't seem so bad. I admit, I pulled out my Big Book and practiced some of my Al-Anon prayers and such on days when I really thought I was gonna lose it. I really don't WANT to take them anymore. Not because I have an aversion to taking medicines, but because I just want to feel as if my life is less stressful. I want to act as if I can handle these life struggles. Fake it till you make it.

Wear makeup, work hard, put on the impression that I'm fine and then I will BE fine.

I don't know if I AM fine or not. I do find myself more withdrawn from my family, and sometimes even my friends. I find that I am much more selfish with my time, and I a lot less tolerant of people and drama. The chest pains have returned. The panic attacks are stronger and the over all feelings of anxiety crawl up my spine- I can feel it. I have been crying a lot. A lot. Enough to call them 'spells'. And I just can't deal with that. I hate being an emotional wreck. I get the feeling that I appear manic to people and it makes me crazy when I am talking so fast that I stumble over words.

So I'm going to fill my script today. It's downstairs in the pharmacy. It's responsible and it's what's best for me and probably for my family. My med vacation is finished. Crazy time is over. Time to get back to 'normal'.