the moments that terrify

I was having a decent day. Today is my last final for the semester. I had a nice lunch and I was getting ready to get back to work when I got a call from my son's school. It was Gabriel's Kindergarten teacher and she was wondering if e-husband was going to pick up Gabriel from school because he wasn't there yet. It was 1:20.

roll back 35 minutes. I was on the phone with ehusband and he was on his way to pick him up.

A blanket of terror covered me. Just this morning he told me he was feeling kind of dizzy. The medication he's on makes him tired. He is back on his insulin pump so he runs a risk of his blood sugar dropping. A brittle diabetic, his blood sugar is hard to manage. It's not just about food anymore. I called him twice, and when he did not answer, I called my step dad who said he would be right over to pick up Gabriel. I sat for about 20 seconds, sort of stunned and looked at my boss who sits on the other side of my desk.

"I have to go."

I grabbed my things and ran out the door.

I called him several times, driving through traffic carefully. I have this fear that I'm going to be in a hurry, on my way to an emergency and carelessly get into an accident. I drove to my apartment, hoping he was still at home. Last night I found him hunched over his computer, fast asleep. Not passed out- but asleep. This morning he told me he was a little dizzy.

I am not sure exactly what combination of medication does this. I think it's the neurontin and the way it mixes with different meds he takes. The doctors change his pain meds a lot, and sometimes add stuff that enhances the meds he's already taken. It's the 1 + 1= 4 idea of medications. It seems like this is the mix of his super pain meds and the neurontin, which he takes for nerve damage/pain.

When he wasn't at my apartment, I drove to Gabriel's school. My car was parked there. I pulled into the parking lot and found him in the car. Slumped sideways and somewhat pale. I pounded on the window and called his name. As he didn't wake up I reached for my cell phone but then I realized the passenger side door was open. I went to the other side and opened the door. Once I realized he had a pulse I shook him, yelling his name until he woke up. He was disoriented and a bit startled.

Jesus.

When I got him home, I made him some food and we talked a little bit. He was still groggy, and sometimes would 'wake up' and say something totally unrelated to the conversation. We did agree that he shouldn't be driving anymore. Also that he needs to stop taking the neurontin. At least during the daytime. Or he needs to take less of it. He's unsafe to care for the kids like this. He agreed. I put him to bed for now.

You know, I was just imagining him having crashed the car into someone. Maybe passed out and cracking his head on a table, bleeding. All sort of scary things were going through my mind. I'm glad it is something that sounds silly. He fell asleep in the car. Fell asleep...of course, I know that it's not as simple as all that. He didn't just doze off.

The kids are at my mom's until I get out of school tonight. I am studying but still shaken up. I'm grateful that he was ok this time, but I know one of these times it will be worse. It's just a matter of time.