"What the Fuck" moments

Don't forget to scan down, or click here to see Justin Timberlake offering up the perfect gift, in case you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas. Dick in a Box. Too damn funny. He's so talented. I spent a ton of time watching his SNL clips on You Tube last night. "Give it on up for Homelessville!"

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Looking back at the past year- so many things have changed. I have changed a lot, but I don't know if anyone really notices how much. The core things about me are the same. Some things will never change. But I feel different. A little more self aware. A little more accepting of myself, for all my shortcomings.

There are actually a lot of things that happened in my life that I still look back on and think, "What the hell was I thinking?" I have lots of "what-the-fuck" moments, where in retrospect I should have reacted differently- but for whatever reason, I didn't. Dr. Phil says that there are 5 pivitol people, 7 critical choices, and 10 defining moments in your life. I'm 35, should I already know all 5, 7 and 10- or will they change as my life changes?? People that I think are pivitol people, may really just be critical choices, or defining moments. Not the person, but the choice of the moment. Like Trever. He changed a LOT in my life, how I saw myself, and how I related to men later. But was he a pivitol person?? No, probably not. Maybe it was the choice I made to get involved. Or the moment it went to far that changed everything. I'm not sure.

I really don't know how I would just choose 5, 7 and 10 things that defined my life. I feel like I could do that for every few years of my life, and that would make more sense to me. Everything is changing. Nothing looks the same as it used to.

The view is nice from here even though there are things that are missing. My program is gone. Meaning, I don't go to Al-Anon meetings anymore. I still read my daily emailed meditations, and I still try to practice a lot of the principles I've learned, I still utillize my God box and I pray when I'm struggling, but I don't go to meetings anymore- my life is in a different place right now. Program just doesn't fit right now. If I was going to meetings, I'd be faking it and trying to make someone else happy, and I know she doesn't want that of me either. I'm learning to live and let live, and I think that is the most anyone can ask of me right now.

I feel like I can see more clearly now. Like I've stepped out of my own prison. Learned to accept and love the things about me that make me different. Love the things that other people love about me, get rid of the things that were not working. I still have some a lot of shortcomings, but at least I'm learning to accept them, work with or through them- and not hate myself for having them. Embrace who I am and try my best to stop giving a shit if other people approve of me. Because I don't want anyone advice on how to live my life. No more than anyone wants my advice. I don't need anyone else to point out where I've gone wrong, I'm well aware. By the time you point it out to me, I garuntee I've already been agonizing about it for years.

Live and Let Live. That's my hope for everyone.

Just live and let live.