It's beginning to feel like Christmas

I am excited about Christmas this year. That's right, I said it. Me. Excited. Christmas. So far, things have been going pretty well. Alex came home from North Carolina in one peice. My family is going to be together. My kids, both my sisters kids, my brothers kids- and hopefully all of my siblings. It's going to be a really wonderful day and hopefully one that will wash over all years that I felt like hell at Christmastime for one reason or another.

My mom used to do the best Christmases when I was younger. One day she and probably my brothers would put up the tree. This enormous fake flocked tree. In my memory, it was like 12 feet tall- but really, I doubt our ceilings were that high. But you know how you remember things when you are smaller?? So and then the next day we would wait for her to come home from work and we'd decorate it. That was a fun time. She was always baking and cooking and getting ready for the annual trip to whomever was hosting Christmas that year. I remember her baking cookies, and Rockin Around the Christmas Tree playing in the house, and my mom dancing around, making cookies weaking this red dress that was her work uniform. The day before Christmas the kitchen table was always filled with cookies. 5 different kinds. Choclate chip, cookie bars, those ones with the graham cracker bottom and the coconut and choclate chips, magic bars??- oh those are SOOOO good, divinity fudge, regular fudge. Mmmm. I love my mom's cooking- maybe I will have her teach me how to make those magic bars. Maybe I
can make them just as good.

I think all the sibs felt a little displaced when she stopped celebrating. I think we all understood and respected her reasoning. I was 15. I knew it was important to her to return to the faith that she believed in. I was never resentful about it. But I was sad. It was a loss, of sorts. The holidays, to me, revolved around my mom. So when we stopped having a tree, and the decorating party, and the music and the family times- it hurt. I know it hurt all of us in some way.

Maybe that is why I always struggled, because I was hiding. Maybe a little afraid to be happy about it again, for fear that for some reason, the good times will disappear. But I'm trying. Trying to make it fun for my boys. Trying to sing the songs. Play the music in the house. Talk about Santa. I am even going to make cookies and put them out for Santa. The boys deserve good memories. Christmas cookies and Brenda Lee. Bicycles under the Christmas tree and wrapping paper everywhere.

Even though the Christmases ended and all I have left are aching memories of a 'happier time'- at least I have them. I'm grateful for knowing what it's supposed to be like. Regardless of how it changed, and how it affected me. She gave me memories that I hung on to so hard that I thought I could never live up to it.

I was wrong though. It's not about reliving Christmas past, it's about making memories of my own. Giving them memories that they can hold on to. I can't wait.