Blogging my ass off!!!

My Wildest New Years Eve...

Back in the day- when the e-husband was just an e-boyfriend, and back when I used to shave my legs every day- we went out for New Years Eve. It was our first New Years Eve together and we went out to 2nd Street in Long Beach and bar hopped etc. I got pretty drunk- which is no shocker, and he stayed sober, which, in retrospect IS a shocker. And we did it up against someones car on 2nd street. People were all inside bars and we were towards the end of the 'strip'- if you would call it that- so nobody saw us, except maybe the people looking out windows. Oh well. I think that was the last time I got laid on New Years Eve, so at least it was a good one!!!!

• 
  

This is my 354 blog post this year!! THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FOUR. That is between this blog, the old blog, and two others that are -ahem- adult in nature and are only seen by a chosen few that I know, and at least 1000 strangers a day. But 354 blog posts. I was thinking that there are not a lot of things I have done 354 times this year, besides the obvious daily things.

• 
  

It's New Years Eve. AKA my son's 12th birthday. Holy Fuck!-I have a 12 year old. I was 23 when I had him, and at the time I thought I was ready for a kid. I realize now, that I new 'jack'. The equivalent of sqaut- bupkiss- nada- niet!! If I knew when I was 23, what I learned just in the last 12 months of my life... well, maybe I wouldn't have believed it.

I have been struggling to put two decent sentences together the last week- and now it feels like I've got a million things going on in my head that I feel if I blog out- they won't infect my brain like that nasty creature in The Wrath of Khan. You know what I'm talking about- that thing they put in that guys ear.

• 
  

I just saw that Frank Warren and PostSecret will be in 'my town' on January 15th. I am going to try to go.

• 
  

The e-husband is back in the hopsital. From what my e-mother-in-laws told me, his white blood count was really high- so someting is infected. I can't take the boys to the hospital, and really- visiting him in the ICU is always a horrible experience. He hates the ICU, and yes been in ICU enough times to have a basis of comparison. They keep him hooked to a jillion machines and some hospitals don't have bathrooms in the ICU so they expect you to use bedpans. Yea, I wouldn't do that either- so he pitches a fit until they unhook him and allow him to walk to a restroom. Anyway, I don't know all the details of why he's there. I have theories, but I am not going to entertain them. It doesn't matter to me. I'm compelled to get involved, but I know that I don't have to. I have not been called upon to do anything. I have only been told, "I'm in the hospital" and very little else. So I have to let go of that. It's still hard. Hard because I care. Because I am afraid fo his well being. Because I am concerned for his my children. Because I am worried about his life. Of course, these are my problems. He has problems that are bigger than my cares, fears, concerns and worries. Like I have said before, I understand why there are days that he wants to die- and perhaps it's my own selfishness that makes me fear that someday he may actually hurt himself, or worse. Selfishness, because I would feel guilty, I would be sad, and I would most likely be more heartbroken than I care to admit.

• 
  

I realize that I have no resolutions for this year. Nothing new. And I don't have any resignations either. Maybe I'm not ready to resign myself to anything. Anything is possible. Things can change. Maybe there isn't anything about me that is carved in stone.