New profile picture

So I changed my profile picture, but for whatever reason, it still shows the old one on the main page, but when you look at my profile you can see it. I think maybe it just takes a day to update, I don't know. Either way, I updated it to a happier picture. Yes, the woman is still sort of draped over something, and damn...I guess it does look like she's pining... but you know- at least it's more colorful.

So why did I do it?? I was emailing my sponsor this morning. I have started doing that again. When I was at my old job, I would email her daily after reading whatever the daily page was in my meditation book- and how can I apply whatever the theme of that page is...to my life. When I started at the hospital- I stopped doing that because of time restraints- a shared office with my boss... etc. But anyway- my boss is super cool with everything I do- and it only takes a few minutes really. And really- I really need to work my program somehow. I cannot make it to meetings lately. I don't know if it's because when I get home and I have some time to relax, I just fall asleep...or because 75% of the time, Michael is going out or he's sleeping. Either way, the nights that I probably COULD make it to a meeting- I just never manage to get out of the house. The good thing is that the meetings are not 100% of the Al-Anon program. I can do other things- like talk to my sponsor, read my books, write, talk to other Al-Anon friends, pray. So anyway, I do what I can- but I have to make efforts. I know that I will slip right out of this program and right back into the crappy ways if I don't. A friend of mine told me that I am happier when I work my program, and it's noticable.

Anyway.... I was emailing my sponsor today and I was writing about Faith and Freedom from the Bondage of Self. And for those of you who read the Big Book you will know that this is part of the Third Step Prayer , that I faithfully said for a long time without really understanding the concept of Freedom from the Bondage of Self. About a year ago while listening to an AA speaker on tape, it was only then that I understood what it meant. That I don't have to SAY everything that comes in to my head, that I don't have to DO every stupid and crazy thing that I think about doing. Not that I don't DO stupid and crazy things from time to time, because believe me, I do. But self-will is dangerous and will only get me into trouble. "The first requirement is that you see that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. . . ." My life is only unmanageable when I try so hard to make everything happen according to MY plan. My will simply won't be done. So I have to let it go. And that has made all the difference I think. I can't be sure- sometimes I wonder if I am just tired of swimming up stream so I'm being complacent. That is very possible. Most recently Michael did something that pissed me off, inappropriate and just shitty. And I really didn't do anything about it. I was mad, I told him how mad I was, and all that jazz, but in the end I was not going to DO anything about it.
Yes, he pissed me off- and I was hurt and angry and all that- but I knew that I was not about to say "Ok- you have to leave now." because I would not have meant that. So I told him that I was really really angry and that I thought he was a jerk- and I let it go. What I could have done is flown off the handle- told him that I loathed him, that I wanted him out- that I wish he would die. I could have pulled out every stop and been my most ugly and self-righteous self, even if it was justified. And in the end, I would feel guilty. I would probably forgive him, out of mere neccesity and but I could never take those things back. Self-Bondage... and not in the good way.

So as I was writing to my sponsor, I realized that my life is ok lately. Even if things are not perfect, they are not unlivable. School is going well. I love my job. My kids are fine. There is money in the bank. I have great friends that I am enjoying spending time with, being social, and not hiding away. In general, life doesn't suck right now. There are things that are not SO great, but there alot of things that ARE great so I should not complain, or let it dampen the things that ARE good.

And I almost didn't realize it. Today, I'm happy. And it has nothing to do with whether or not Michael is happy- or if everything in my life is going the way I want it to. I'm just happy lately, because good things are happening, and I'm not too miserable to notice it!!!

wtf?

That was the reply that I got via email from my best friend yesterday. I emailed her to tell her that my white blood count "normalized" so I'm fine. Except I am having swelling in my legs and feet and my arms and hands and it hurts to use them. Yesterday seemed worse than today- but I slept weird so I have a weird kink in my back so that seems to be consuming all the pain I have available today. I sound like my husband...what can I bitch about today?? But I am apparently fine, even though I still don't FEEL fine.

I watched "Walk the Line" last night. I really enjoyed it. At the end I realized that June Carter Cash died and then Johnny died 4 months later. 4 months. I always think it's so interesting and romantic when these couples die so close together. That's when you die of a broken heart, I think. When even death can keep some people apart. Romantic. And I love a good love story.

This weekend I am going to visit my sisters and attend a Cookie Lee party. It's a fund raiser for the Cure Autism Now walk, so I will also buy some new jewelry and that always makes me happy too. I spoke to my sister the other day and I was so pleased to hear that my neice is doing so well. I have not seen her, Megan, in a few months and I am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. I can't wait to hang out with my sisters for a little while. Just be me, and I like who I am when I'm with them.

Happy Friday.

Excuse me while I bitch this out....

Ok, so now I have actual symptoms. My joints hurt. My wrists, and fingers and ankles and knees and everything that bends...hurts. I woke up this morning and my hands are swollen. My feet are a little swollen too, but it's only noticable because my shoes feel tighter.
My doctor mentioned that my white blood count was low, so I called back and asked HOW low. 2.6. The normal range is 4.5-10, so 2.6 is low.... What does that mean? who knows. It might mean nothing- it might be a fluke, I'm not a doctor and Google gives me all sorts of things. So we will see what the blood test comes back with. I don't know what she is checking for, complete blood count, and some sort of liver enzymes. Can you imagine how fucking ironic it would be for ME to have some liver disease???
This morning it hurt to wash my hair. Lifting my arms to wash my hair was painful because my fingers hurt, my wrists, elbows shoulders... all my moving parts. Not to mention that I have ALOT of hair. So you can imagine. I feel like such a little bitch for complaining about this crap. I asked my husband to help me get dressed this morning. As he was helping me clasp my bra I thought for a moment, Oh God, what if I ever get REALLY sick and I need him to take care of me?? I'll be dead for sure...

So I'm reminded of a joke...
A woman is in a coma and as she is getting bathed, the nurses notice a reaction as they are cleaning her va-jay-jay. So the doctor says to the husband, why don't you perform oral sex on her, and see what happens. So they leave the room and wait outside. Suddenly the heart monitor goes off and the woman dies. The doctor asks the husband, "what the hell happened?" and he husband replies, "I dont know...I guess she choked."

At least I still have my sense of humor....

Stress is for wimps....

Since I do NOT have mono- and I do not have lupus (I didn't even know she was CHECKING for lupus), I have decided that my problem is just stress. My new doctor suggested that my fever, achiness, and all out exhaustion for the past month is possibly just a result of my life.
What a cop-out.
Like 40 minutes of traffic and you never see any actual accident.
You'd think that a doctor could come up with something better than stress.... but to make it all better, my skin has started to crawl and I am itching, constantly.
No hives, no rash, just itching.
Years ago I used to break out in a rash before I came home from work, because I never knew just how drunk my husband was going to be. But once I identified what was happening, when and why, it stopped. I have this way of being able to identify my troubles away. As soon as I acknowledge that "X situation" is what is causing me so much grief, it sort of subsides. X situation no longer seems so bad and I start to feel better about it.

So ok, here I am acknowledging that I am stressed... I am willing to start feeling better any time now.

I am so pissed off and annoyed that I am so fucking tired. I cannot sit anywhere quietly for more than 15 minutes without falling asleep. My fever goes up and down all day long. Not enough to put me in bed, but enough that I can FEEL by body temperature rising.
It's like I'm ovulating ALL DAY EVERY DAY.... oh, and like there would be any point in THAT, even if I was.
My muscles ache and now I'm itching.... don't get me started on the teeth pain. I am taking Tylenol, and now benadryl around the clock.

OK, I get it.... I've got too much going on. What the hell am I supposed to do about that????

So tomorrow I'm going to the doctor again to let her take more blood. So she can figure out that there is nothing REALLY wrong with me. It's all in my head. I am overwhelmed, overtired, got it. It's not going to stop any time soon, so I may as well get used to it so I can start feeling better.

I don't have time to be stressed sick. I don't have big enough problems for that. Really, I don't. So, perhaps the way taking a pregnancy test will make you start your period, perhaps going back to the doctors for a second blood test will make me better.

Gratitude

This afternoon I was walking back to my office and there was a patient who was walking down the hall doing Physical Therapy. Alot of our patients need Physical Therapy after a stroke. This patient was probably in his late 50's, and being helped to stand and walk by a girl, who was half his age and half his height. Anyway, as there were telemetry monitors in the hall way I had to stop and wait for this patient and his physical therapist to walk by me. I stopped and smiled at her, and took a minute to notice this man- curious what his name was, his diagnosis, and if he was one of the patients on my list for our data.
He was well over 6 feet tall. In two hospital gowns, covering front and back. Clearly struggling to take each step and physically exhausted. I waited patiently as they passed by me, and I recognized that I really need to be grateful today. Grateful that I don't need help walking. That I am in generally good health. That the basic funtions of my body, still function. All day long I analyze the files of patients who suddenly could not lift thier arms, or who woke up and could not speak. What a horrifying experience.
Today I am grateful that my body is still my own and that my brain is still working for me.
Some days it's just not worth it to complain about being tired.

Experience is not cheap.

"How thankful I am today, to know that all my past failures were necessary for me to be where I am now. Through much pain came experience."














I liked this secret. It went along nicely with the passage above that I read today in my daily reading. My decisions, good or bad, do not define who I am. It's just where I am today. We all have our reasons for the things that we do. It's not anyone else's right to judge me.

I remember you...

I love 80's hairband rock music. I admit it. It's cheesy and void of good lyrics. But I love it. Perhaps it's the memories of me in 9th grade, watching Tawny Kattain rolling around on that Whitesnake car, and wishing I had a white dress like that (and trying SO hard to do center splits)- or listening to Poison's "Talk Dirty To Me." and wondering if anyone ever would... But hearing it now always makes me smile and remember when I wanted to be one of those slutty strippers from Motley Crue''s "Girls Girls Girls" video.

I used to have a pink denim skirt that had zippers on both sides. One zip from either zipper and the whole thing fell to the floor. It was a handy tool, but man, slut-ty!! (And they were popular, alot of girls used to wear them, at least the slutty ones) I used to wear this with layered tak tops, or maybe a half top, and then ruffled socks and hot pink heels that matched the skirt. I wore this to school!!! What a floozy.

Now that my wardrobe has classed up a bit, I admit I still like the music.
Maybe it's the memories that it represents.
Back when I was young, and sexy...

...and could do center splits.

Today's reading

Actually it was yesterdays reading, but I didn't get a chance to write last night.

We punish ourselves far more than life ever punishes us. It takes some time before we realize that we have considerable power to change our lives, if we are willing to use it.
I will start by rooting out the doubts and fears that grew so great when my spouse was drinking alchoholically. Even long after sobriety, do I not occasionally wonder wether it will last? Does unexpected lateness make me suspicious that "somethings going on?" Why do I punish myself this way? Why don't I accept God's gift of mental sobriety which is mine for the takin, along with contentment and serenity.
Todays Reminder- Mental sobriety is a state of reasonableness, rational judgement, balance. It is emotioanl sickenss when we continue to be apprehensive and anxious when we have no reason to doubt.
"I will pray today and every day, for healthful, wholesome thinking, so that I may not general trouble for myself.

Typing this out, it means something different than when I read it this morning. When I read it this morning it made me ackowledge just what it says in the first sentence. That any misery that I have, is a choice that I make. Like I have heard in meetings, much of my discomfort comes from my own thinking and that I have the power to be happy if I just make the right choices. There are things that 'plague' me lately- but they are direct results of my choices and I really can't blame that misery on anyone else. This program ruins misery for you. You really can't claim to work a program, and not take responsibility for your happiness.

I can't blame my husband, my kids, or my friends for whatever hardships I may be going through right now. I think that a choice could be made, even if it's a hard one, that would eventually resolve many of the things that make me unhappy,

My mom used to tell me that if you are looking to beat a dog, you can always find a stick. I can always find something to be unhappy about. I can look into the future and see a bleak outlook- see that things may not turn out the way I want them to. Or I can live my life a day at a time, and try to enjoy what I have now. I have alot of good things in my life, alot of good people and lately I have allowed the one thing, the one person, that is not good- to overpower my thoughts and it is making everything else look grey- when it's not. A lot of the relationships I have in my life are good. Those are the ones that I need to let overpower me.
My friends are awesome. My life is actually going somewhere. I have goals that I'm actually on track to achieve. There are people that truly love me. I need to try to remember that today.

I don't know if I have anything to say. I am thinking about all the reasons that I hate this disease. All the things I hate about my life and how much of that I can blame on this disease
I called in sick today because I was still running a fever through the night and when I woke up this morning. I am feeling ok now, but it's already noon and my head is still a little cloudy.
Michael is still sick, I don't even know how many days it's been. I think he was out of bed at some point last week, wasn't he?? We had dinner together on Valentine's Day. But I didn't rest as much as I wanted to. I needed to clean my bedroom, I needed to pick up the toys- I still need to put the boys laundry away, do some more dishes and go grocery shopping. He commented that there was no milk. It's no wonder I'm sick, I never give myself enough time to recover. I feel like I've been sick for weeks. I'm so tired all the time. I am always kind of achy and feverish. For weeks now. I wonder if I'm depressed. Funny, I am not sure. Years ago I used to break out in hives before I left the office, that is how my body responded to the stress of coming home to his drinking.
I talk about this disease as if we are still living with active addiction. I had a dream last night, I think, that I found a bag of his drugs, a pipe and crack. A rock of crack cocaine, that, now that I think about it- was WAY too big to have been real. It was like a stone big enough to break a window... now that's kind of funny. I have never actually SEEN what it looks like, but in my dream it was this big rock, the size of a golf ball- and it was off white, but somewhat cloudy clear and yellowish, this is how I knew it was crack. WHAT??? I have no idea what crack looks like. But in my mind I knew that it what it was and I knew it was his and I didn't know what to do. Strangely, I had no idea. I was terrified because I was being forced to make a decision. Do I stand my ground? Do I hold up my boundaries and make him leave- or I could just put it back and pretend that I never saw it. It's so easy for me to claim that I have, or will have boundaries, when really I think I only have hopes that they won't be challenged. And if history has taught me anything, it's that one way or another, they will- and I have no idea what I will do when that happens. Trust is something that is just not that easy to come by anymore, and even in my dreams- I'm not very hopeful.
One day at a time. Take it Easy.

You made your bed, Now lie in it.

A little more appropriate, I guess.

What I love about cowboys

Last night my sister and I went out to country bar. I have not been to a club in I don't know HOW long. The last time I can remember was my 30's birthday. Oh, over the summer for my cousin's bachelorette party. I remember now. Ok- well anyway- I have not been to a country bar in at least 6 or 7 years. Since before I got married.
But we went last night, just to get out of the house, have a few drinks and do a little dancing. Immediately walking in, I remembered how much I love cowboys. I just love watching the guys get out there and dance. And I just love the whole Cowboy Hat and boots- thing. In another life, my sister and I used to go dancing a few times a week, make alot of noise, kiss alot of cowboys, dance dance dance. The club we went to had it's fair share of the 20-something hoochies in thier teeny tiny tops and all that, but it seemed to be a bit of an older crowd so I didn't feel so out of place. We didn't even stay that long, but we had a blast. Did a little dancing and had a drink and really enjoyed the music and the atmosphere. I left wondering why it had been 7 years since I have been out like this and hoping that it's not another 7 before we do it again.

I came home and fell asleep on the couch, when I woke up- I was burning up and freezing. I had a high fever and I was shaking. I have no idea what I have. I have no other symptoms other than a fever. I went to bed aching, freezing, shaking so much my teeth were chattering. I climbed into bed and commented that I was so cold and that I have a fever. The response I got was a very snippy, "yeah, that's going around." and he just let me lay there, freezing my ass off (until my electric blanket kicked in). Now just a few days back, he came to bed, really cold- and I let him crawl under my blanket, and I got real close to him to help him warm up. I do this often. He gets cold alot. And I was pretty mad that he didn't offer me the same courtesy. What the hell? When your partner climbs into bed and she sick and FREEZING, why would you not help her get warm? Sometimes he's just a hateful hateful man. I don't know why I would expect anything different from him.

A Good Cowboy would have climbed next to me and warmed me up.

If you're not married to her, why is she trying to kill you??

My son is watching TV in the room with me. "Fairly Odd Parents"- and I just heard someone say that. It made me laugh outloud. Even as kids, you learn that your wife will eventually want to kill you.

Michael is sick again today. Sick- or just sick in the head. If he has anything, it's the cold that we all had- but that is hardly a reason to sleep 18 hours a day. He is not taking his medication, that is what is wrong with him. He was up for about three days, started a few projects that he didn't complete and how he's back to bed.... ugh. Well, I will attempt to shove some Wellbutrin down his throat and maybe he will be human again soon. One day at a time.... Take it easy... Keep it simple...

Today is his mom's birthday- tomorrow we are supposed to go over there. I have no idea if we will. His dad called this morning and I told him that the plan was that we were going to- and he asked me to have Michael call his mom in 15 minutes. That was 40 minutes ago. He's such a bastard sometimes. But it's just not my problem. I cannot make excuses for him, and I won't even bother. It's not my mother. I always wonder if I should call and wish her a happy birthday, or if it will be too obvious that he's HASN'T called yet. I don't think I will go without him tomorrow- I hardly want to explain it to them. Besides, this type of thing comes as no suprise to anyone...
I started cleaning house as soon as I got out of bed today. It pisses me off that I have to do the dishes when I have not cooked or eaten more than two meals in this house in the past week and every dish, glass and peice of silverware is dirty. But I will be pleased when it's done and that will have to be enough. I paid Alex $10 to help me with the house cleaning. The dishes are a little more than 1/2 done, the boys bedroom is cleaned, the living room is clean and vaccuumed. It was the best $10 I've spent all week. Today I'm driving Alex to his dad's and having lunch with a dear friend of mine who I never see enough. I can't wait. Gabe is going to my mom's and Danny will be napping around that time here at home with Michael- so his effort level is minimal and I have very little to worry about. I can relax and take it easy and have a good day.

It's about freakin time.

Tear Your Heart Out Tuesday

My thoughts....exactly...










What a Stupid Holiday.

Holidays are usually pretty bad for me and Michael. Maybe it's the pressure of it all. Trying to make everything perfect, trying to get along. I remember in the old days he used to really try to stay sober on those days- but it was hard for him, and things ultimately would turn ugly. And I would sit back and expect him to get drunk, so I would be angry when I woke up in the morning- and then would wait all day for him to get drunk so I could ultimately attack him. It set the stage for many years and may stressful holidays.
I was not exactly looking forward to today- any more than I have dreaded it in the past. It's 7PM and I'm currently on hold to order Pizza for dinner. (Nothing quite says love like Pepperoni...) Hey, I don't have to cook, and I don't even have to pick it up. It's the little things I guess that I can be grateful for.

Today I'm grateful for:

My new job and my old friends.
There is food in the fridge but money in the bank so I can choose to have pizza for dinner, if they ever take me off hold. Apparently I'm not the only one who isn't being taken out to dinner, but still doesn't want to cook.
That my kids are healthy and currently being quiet and well behaved.
That while my brother is not at home, he's alive and safe and knows he's loved.
and
That my best friend forgave me for acting like a jerk today because I was having Valentines Day issues.

Happy V-day. Hope you all get some....

-jules

The Calm

Maybe this is where we are right now, in the calm between storms. The last one was a big one, and it lasted months and month and months, but I feel right now that things are calm. I made somewhat of a decision to 'wait' on making any big decisions between me and Michael. Maybe I will regret it, maybe it will work out great...maybe maybe maybe...but I do not feel confident about it either way. Right now I feel confident not making any decisions. I know that friends will be discouraged and disappointed. But this is the best I can do right now.
Of course, my decision to wait is under certain assumptions: no drinking, no drugs, getting a job, and taking care of his health. Also I know that this will only work if I STOP enabling and I set and stick to those boundaries. Doing that will keep me from even MORE resentment.
Late last year we had a situation in which I clearly stepped in and saved him from his consequences. I did it, thinking that I would NOT resent him later because I knew that helping was a choice I was making and I was within my right NOT to help him out and let him suffer the financial, mental and physical consequences of his actions. But today I find that is something I do resent him for. A LOT. But as my sponsor told me the night I did it- I had a choice to let him suffer- and saving him from his consequences is not me purchasing the right to make him suffer at my hands. Now, I feel what I feel- right or wrong. But somewhere along the lines, I have to make some changes and NOT allow that to keep happening. If he uses drugs, he has to leave. If he drinks, steals whatever- he HAS TO LEAVE. He can't keep treating me like this. (And incidentally I have said that for years, and just hoped that eventually he'd just 'quit it'- without me actually DOING anything) But I know that I have let him effect my life and my family. I have allowed it. I have allowed him to spend my money, steal my belongings all of that really really REALLY unacceptable shit- with little more than some yelling, and sometimes not even that. Sometimes I just wanted him to know that I knew what he did, and I didn't even want to talk about it. Excuse me while I turn away and hate you silently and expect you to make changes because it's the right thing to do. I know I need to be less of a doormat and stick to some boundaries.
School and the kids. It's killing me already. I am exhausted after work, and then to go to school and have homework to do at night. I am tired and have very little left for the kids. I'm tired all the time, and I know that is why I'm sick right now. And most of the time, him being here is helpful. Maybe if he had moved out before classes started I could have forced myself into this role- of fulltime working, fulltime student, single super-mom (yeah, please raise your hands if you did this and loved every second of it). But looking at it from this angle, I just don't really want to do it. It is important that I take the hardest possible route to do everything???
So I analyzed how I could make it work- why it wasn't working, and of course, what my role is. And I that is what I came up with on my end. Enable, rescue, coddle, martyr...resent resent resent. Keeping my side of the street clean is about more than not saying the mean things that come to my head. It's also, I think, about not doing anything that will pave the way for me to resent him even more.
I don't know how much can be salvaged from this marriage. I don't suspect we are going to fall madly in love again. That seems unlikely. I think people stay together for all sorts of reasons. And right now, this is the reason. There I said it. Sorry if you don't like it. I suspect there will be alot who don't. But it's my life and right now, for the reasons that I mentioned, and some that I didn't- this is the choice I have made for now.
Maybe tomorrow he will do someting spectaularly wrong and I'll throw him out on his ass. Yeah, cause that is so like me.... but you never know. My sponsor told me that eventually the path will narrow and the obvious choice will become more evident. And this seems to be obvious choice to me, even though I'm sure it's not obvious to anyone else. And that's ok too. You simply haven't walked in my shoes, and alot of you who know and love me- never put me up to my own role in this. My sponsor does. People in program do. People who want to understand me, and not just force thier own opinions on me- do, or at least they try to. They know that I have played a role here. It's not called it a family disease for nothing. Everyone plays a part.

Parenting frustration

The kids are going to be very sorry to cross me today. I've really had it with the way Gabriel yells out orders at me. The way that Daniel screams at the top of his lungs if you don't move fast enough to get him what he wants. I really am at my wits end with both of these kids today and I'm tempted to get in my car and drive away and not come back until they are 14.

For breakfast this morning I made the boys waffles and a banana. These kids eat alot of bananas AND waffles. They are big favorites. This morning I actually put some syrup (sugar free) on them and Gabe ate it up fast, and then yelled that he wanted more waffles- but no banana. And I'm really tired of making him exactly what he asks for at breakfast, and then getting yelled at because he has changed his mind. So he is currently sitting at the table, in front of his banana- screaming because he doesn't want his banana. I told him that he can sit there until he changes his mind. I turned off the TV. If I give that banana to Danny, he will freak out even more. Or, I can throw the banana away, or eat it myself and he will want it again. I told him that if he eats his banana, I will make him another waffle.

This is NOT about waffles or bananas really- it's about the fact that my boys have turned into these spoiled screaming monsters that I do not enjoy being around in the short time I have with them every week. This week they have both gone to bed hungry at least twice because at one time or another they have decided not to eat what I put in front of them. I'm not a short order cook and what they have to eat is not complicated. So he can sit there in front of that banana until lunch time. I'm so tired of this... He's having a stand off with me. He's fuckin three years old and I am so irritated I want to throw the banana away and put back in bed until tomorrow. Danny finished his waffle and banana quickly, and I will gladly make Gabe another waffle, but first he is going to finish that banana. He's eating it, painfully slowly, and glaring at me with every bite. But I swear, that kid is going to eat that banana if it takes him all day. This is a tactic my mother used.... alot of mothers use...so I will give it a try. I am not going to lose this battle. Not today.

Half Nekkid Thursday

So I've seen lots of blogs participating in Half Nekkid Thursday...I've also seen Braless Tuesday, but on me, it's not as pretty as it sounds..... anyway- here is my contribution to HNT.




His new thing is that he can take his pants on and off. So he does it all the time and he's so excited about it.... it's these proud moments that make me so glad to be a mom!!!

So...what's going on with that situation?

Someone asked me that today, regarding the whole husband moving out thing....

And I answered honestly, but in more words than this..."I just don't have any energy to give to him right now." And that's the truth. I don't want to fight him right now. I don't want to push the issue or rock the boat because right now, the waters may not be smooth, but they are not so rocky that I am getting sea sick.
Right now I am looking to put/keep together the other peices of my life.
School is underway and while it's slow to start, it's moving along. I got the OK from my boss today to come in early, take a mid day class and leave a little later two days a week. So I was able to drop the class with the condescending professor who, when she explained that she had attended the Sundance Film Festival said, "It's hosted my Robert Redford- do you know who Robert Redford is?"
I wanted to walk right out.
Instead I made some arrangements and dropped her class.
No thank you Miss-Snooty-pants-I-gratuated-from-Columbia, I prefer to be treated like an adult.
And I'm excited about the class I added, because it's an upper division class that I didn't originally register for because I didn't think I could work it into my schedule. I am learning that it's a shame to miss out on opportunities, just because I was too afraid to ask.
Work is going fantastic. I really love my job, and my boss is so great. Today she sat down and went over a lecture with me on Neurological Anatomy and Physiology. It was so cool. I do NOT feel like an idiot with her. For YEARS when I talked to my boss- I felt SO stupid all the time. I felt completely inadequate and uneducated. Afraid of, less than, and inferior to.... amen. But lately, I don't feel that way. I am so lucky that I am trying to surround myself with people who think I'm smart enough to learn the things I don't know.
I'm trying to put forth some effort every night to clean this house. Even if it never gets 100% clean, if every night I can get it back to it's 'baseline' mess, and clean up 5% more, perhaps by the end of the month it will be clean. Little steps. I can't do it all.
So I'm trying to juggle these things. New job, new school, managing this house, paying the bills, maintaining my sanity...I don't have time to handle that 'situtaion' right now, I don't want to put forth any energy to it. I sensed that the person who asked was not exactly thrilled with my answer- but she will have have to live with it... or really, she doesn't. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and not bitch. Every day I am allowing him to live here, is another day that I don't get to complain about it. I know that. But today I feel I have less to complain about anyway- so maybe that puts me on top.

Sometimes you can make friends in the strangest ways....

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Sunday, February 05, 2006 10:39 AM
To: Frank@docdel.com

I go to an all girls boarding school. Sometimes girls can be so tough on one another. I know this for a fact.
We were in a physics lesson once, and we were learning about static electricity. We blew up balloons, rubbed them on our jumpers, did the experiment. No problem. Till someone accidentally popped their balloon on a pin. Then everyone started doing it. 14 balloons popped all at once. A girl couldn't take it, she just couldn't. She screamed and cried. We didn't know what was wrong. She really screamed.
We then found out that she has a phobia of balloon popping. Then some girls did it more just to pest her. How awful, I didn't know what to do, so I punched those 2 girls. Then I got suspended. But I feel as if I did something good for that girl.
-England

(This was copied right out of Postsecret.)

Back to Bedlam

This is from my brothers blog- they are pretty moving pictures and I can't seem to get my head around what I want to say about it.

I'm feeling sick today- I think I'm getting what they boys had this week. I have been doing laundry since 8AM, and now it's noon, and I still have more to do. I have to stop though- my head is pounding and spinning at the same time. I was going to see a movie today, and/or meet a friend for lunch- but I just don't think I can do much more. I left two totally opposite message for my friend about getting together today- one saying I can't- and one, left 2 minutes later saying I'd really like to. But now I just want to crawl in bed. I haven't heard from her, perhaps it can be heard in my voice that I'm out of my head today and I am to be avoided like the plague.

There is so much to do here. More laundry, more cleaning, grocery shopping...and homework- oh right, homework. And all I want to do is crawl in to bed.
Michael was in bed all day yesterday- and today looks like it will be much of the same. He probably already has what the boys had- because he was with them more.
The difference between him and me, is that he can be sick- in bed. I still have shit to do. I just have to do it sick. Ok, I won't complain anymore.

I bought two new CD's yesterday. Destiny's Child, #1's. I love Greatest Hits CD's.
And I bought a new one from James Blunt. His voice is so haunting to me.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an anger with a smile on her face.
When she thought that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth.
I will never be with you.

I haven't listened to the whole CD yet, but I did read the lyrics to some of the songs. There is one song, Goodbye My Lover- and I haven't even heard the song yet- but reading the lyrics made me cry.
yeah, I can be like that sometimes....
such a chick..

Just put in two more loads of laundry. I'm stopping now. On to the next task of domestic bondage.

Happy Superbowl Sunday!!

-j

Today's reading...and massacre

It starts "I thought that if I stopped enabling the alcoholic in my life, the drinking would stop."

The first thing I thought- and didn't even finish reading the page was that the drinking stopped when it had to. That had nothing to do with me. What DIDN'T stop- was the enabling. And that's all me baby....

My husband still has issues. He still does things that piss me off unbelieveably. He still takes me for granted and his behavior can still be unacceptable- but in the end he is not drinking, and he's not using drugs. And I am still enabling him and taking care of his responsibilities and protecting him from the consequences of his actions. At least a good portion of them. It will be hard to stop doing that- and the only way we can break this cycle is to separate. For as much logic as I try to use, in the end, I still feel inclined to help him and accept the unacceptable behavior. Perhaps because it's been going on for a long time, and I just don't seem to know any other way. It is not easy for me to just stop fixing what needs fixing- it's what I DO... And it's very easy for him to simply assume that I WILL fix his problems- why would he not?- I always have before.

I am finally in the last legs of dealing with my van. I am so glad to be rid of it. I have already sold it to someone- and now I just have to wait for the check from my insurance company, and send the paperwork to the DMV. My brother has offered to sell me HIS van- which I am so excited about!!! It's a really nice van- the kind of van that a cool broad like me SHOULD be driving.

uhhhhh- ok, here's something notable... There are ants in my freezer. ANTS!!! Lots of them. And you know, ants don't do well in the freezer. So there are DEAD ants in my freezer. Luckily there is no food in the freezer that wasn't in a box- but now I have to go through every shelf and throw away the frozen ant corpses. At the bottom of my freezer, there is a PILE of dead ants. A small pile, but a PILE just the same- like 1/8 of a cup worth- of DEAD FUCKING ANTS. I wonder just how many ants an 1/8 of a cup actually IS? A hundred, two hundred?? I suspect these brave soldiers tried to make thier way up the side and then succombed to the elements, froze and fell to thier deaths. Many many MANY ant soldiers tried this apparently. The only LIVE ants are (were) the ones that are below the seal of the freezer. None of the ones that "went in" made it out. Perhaps nobody was able to get out the signal to the ones that were following. Attempts to reach the top of the freezer are futile- abort mission, repeat- it's too fucking cold- ABORT MISSION. You'd think the PILE of dead ants might have made one stop and think, hmmmm, I wonder why I will be any different??

And if you are wondering, my refrigerator is too big for the space that they give it in the kitchen, so it is just outside of the kitchen- on a floor mat, on the carpet. The ants traveled from a hole in the wall, across the carpet- to the bottom of my fridge and never made it past the freezer. Had they just gone straight to the fridge, they may have been successful and made it to some slices and uncovered apples- and some loosely covered leftoevers- but there appear to be no chilly ants- just dead frozen ones. What a massacre.


So I did remove the frozen boxes- killed the ants that were still 'fortunate' to have not attempted the journey- and now I get the fun of wiping them away. I am tempted to suck the pile of ants with my new Dirt Devil, bagless vacuum cleaner- watch those little bastards spinning around in the little plastic cup....


I'm out.... take care.

Who is it for?

Al-Anon's purpose is not to help someone get thier spouse, child or friend STOP drinking or using. That is and has never been its purpose. I was shocked to learn that, and some days I still have to remember it. Al-Anon is to help me.
I have a friend who has friends and loved ones who are addicts but for whatever reason, but doesn't feel that any 12 step program will benefit. His comment was, "It really seems like alot of work, to be honest."
Perhaps it's because he has never really been adversely affected. Perhaps he is able to detach with love, be compassionate and allow people (myself included) the respect and dignity to live thier lives and make thier choices, however bad-without feeling like he has to fix or save or break down over it. I respect that not everyone needs this program. Some people just mind thier own business and don't need anyone to teach them how.
Just like AA does not work for everyone, Al-Anon is not necessary for every person who has a loved one who drinks or uses.

It's there for those of us who want it- but it only works if you work it.

Boundaries and powerless

The last post I wrote was probably foreshadowing for the rest of the week. I have a hard time keeping quiet lately- and sometimes I say things that I don't know if I mean. Today I put down a boundary with Michael- and really, I don't know if I mean it. I said it because it seemed like the right, appropriate and probably smart thing to say- but do I believe it? Will I really follow through with it?- I don't know. It was somewhat an impulsive comment, considering it does not at all take into consideration the plan of action that we already agreed upon. I don't want to fight with him, there's no point. It's over. I know it- he knows it. Why can't I just shut up??
I called my sponsor and she said I need to practice detaching, and turn it over to God. But God doesn't seem to be offering me any comfort today.
Freedom is a choice. I was reading that this morning. Freedom is a choice...my choice. I can choose to feel guilty about wanting it too. Michael told me today that the last two years have been all about me. WHAT???? He said that it's all been about me going to school and bettering myself and that I could not do that without him being there to take care of our children...ok...decent enough point. But why?- why did I want to go to school, better myself?- because I knew that he was not going to provide for me or the kids. Because I want to have a career that will hopefully provide for the family. And for the past three years I have been supporting him, (and putting up with all his unacceptable behavior) in exchange for him watching the kids. I guess it's a fair trade- if you take out the fact that we are married...
I guess in the end, I cannot make him do what I want him to do. I can't change him. I can't protect him. I have to just let him go. I don't know why that is still so hard. Is it because I really give a shit, or because I just want to control him. I don't think there is any salvaging anything here. He is using me, to support him and so maybe I should continue to let him live here and watch the kids so I can finish school and have my own life.... that is the thought that I keep juggling around. But it seems unlikely. It seems very very unhealthy for everyone.
I get alot of advice. A LOT. But in the end, I am the one who has to live with the end result. I am the one who will have to struggle with 12 hours in class, 36 hours of homework, and 40 hours at work- and these three boys. It's very easy for people who are not in my position to say that I can do this with a little bit of determination etc. etc.... And yes, I am certain that I CAN do it. I believe in myself enough to know that I can take this hard road alone, narrow and dark, the kids following me single file, and I hope they continue to walk behind me- and make us all suffer through it for the next two years, and come out successful on the end. But is it so wrong to suffer through the status quo?- take the road that is a little smoother, a little wider- but sometimes it rains alot. Neither of them are GOOD paths, but the end up in the same place. One is just a little better for those that are following me down it.

Chose your words, pick your battles....

So todays reading is about thinking before I speak. I think I have gotten better at this, at least with Michael. Funny that areas of my program work JUST in relation to Michael, or in every instance EXCEPT relating to Michael... but anyway.
When I am dilligent about it, I can keep my mouth shut. I can happily go about my business and not respond to every comment, be it negative, positive, hopeful for downright ridiculous. When I pay attention- I can detach and respond with "You may be right" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or whatever appropriately vague comment that does not leave me open to attack that I can think of. Lately that kind of detachment and control has not been easy. I think I have been stressed out about other things... So it's time to start to refocus on my serenity.
My sponsor gave me these stones for Christmas. They are these pretty glass-type rocks that are different colors and say Courage, Hope, Faith, Serenity, and Peace. I taped them to my desk at work, so I can sort of put my hands on them. Perhaps it's stupid that this kind of thing does something for me. But you know, we all have our things... And since they are smooth, and there are 5 of them, they sort of massage my hand at the same time. I put Courage and Hope closest to me. I can move them around as needed. I love them. Maybe if I'm having a bad day, I can press one of them to my forehead...osmosis or something... whatever works at that moment.
I'm trying to bring myself back to my program. It's the only time that I can be happy, regardless of what is going on around me. Is when I have this. I don't go to church, Al-Anon is my spiritual program. It's what works for me. It's something I believe in for me. And being away from it, only makes me unhappy. So I need to make a better effort to work my program, because it helps me stay centered- and ultimately a more contented person.

Slogans in Al-Anon

This post might end up being a little long, but I have a jillion thoughts in my head right now and I can't make sense of any of them. So I went to a meeting yesterday, with my sponsor. It was the first time she had been to THAT meeting, and I think she will continue going to it. I love that meeting. It's a very special group and we are a healthy meeting. I had not been in a while and it was nice to see the faces of these people again.
So I'm struggling with my feelings today about Michael moving out. My mother threw me for a loop and her help with watching the kids to keep my day care costs down is not as 'all inclusive' as she led me to believe. I am not sure how to take that news, but I will simply wait and see what happens with that. Aside from that- I am starting to visually SEE just how sick Michael is, physically. He looks like he's dying. It's frightening.
I have enough reason that I should not care. I have enough ammunition to gun him down with resentment and anger and disgust and all out rage. I do not need any more reason to walk away. But I have reasons to stop and reconsider. And I am confused about it, even though that is just me trying to play God. Me, thinking that there is something that I can DO to help him get better- even though the words, "I can't help you with that..." come out of my mouth without me even thinking them.
When I am away from my program, I am filled with indignation and completely confident in my decision to make him leave. I am also self-righteous and mean to him. I cease to be a loving, compassionate person to him. And maybe it's deserved, but it certainly doesn' t make me FEEL any better. I was thinking back to years past, when I was really in to my program, and he was still drinking. I had disappointments and things that really bothered me, but over all I was able to work through them. However, I had no boundaries... He used to spend money and lie and do all these things, and while I handled them with detachment and compassion- I never really did anything to prevent it from happening again. He had no consequences for his misdeeds. So while I used my program to maintain my sanity, I was not doing anything to protect myself or to stop being a doormat. I still don't do well with boundaries. I guess that is what asking him to move out is all about. Boundaries. If he is not here, he can't hurt me with the things he does. I can't seem to allow him to suffer the consequences of his decisions because it seems unkind and when someone is looking me in the face asking for help, I feel rotten for saying no when it is within my means to help. For instance, he is not working and therefore all of his money comes from me and my job etc. So if he needs cigarettes, I pay for them. And when money is tight, and he asks me for money for cigarettes, I get a little bent by that. So it has been suggested to me, "tell him no." "tell him to get a job" "tell him to quit smoking". Sounds easy right?? Well, yeah- anyone who knows me, knows that I just can't DO that. Smoking is kind of a weird thing anyway, cause he's an ADDICT by nature, so denying to someone who has smoked for more than half of his life one idle Tuesday just because I chose THAT day to get some balls is just asking for a fight. I know that I should encourage him to quit smoking, but man, I am hoping that he does that AFTER he moves out. I have no desire to be around THAT loveliness. Anyway, I guess my point is that him moving out is the only way I can stop him from taking advantage of me, because I am just not strong enough to put my foot down and say, "NO." at least not often enough.
So anyway, in the meeting yesterday, the Al-Anon slogans were read. And we throw around the slogans when they are appropriate, but when you hear them, along with a brief description, it sort of puts more meat on them:
(This is right from the Brochure Alcoholism, the family disease)
Let Go and Let God Every day there are decisions to be made and problems to be solved. When we notice irritations growing into tensions, tensions into near-panic, and old fears returning, it is time to stop and turn to God. We find that when we supply the willingness, He supplies the power.
First Things First Much of our confusion and frustration is due to our failure to deal with tasks and problems in the order of their importance. It does take discipline to put aside things we'd rather do, and attend to those of first important first. But the rewards are great: we get things done, we enjoy a sense of accomplishment, and we learn to face issues with a real sense of value and purpose.
Live and Let Live This is a reminder that most of us need--often. Our only concern should be our own conduct, our own improvement, our own lives. We are entitled to our own view of things, and we have no right to inflict in on anyone else.
But For The Grace of God When we are resentful and embittered over an alcoholic's behavior, it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair. But for the grace of God, we might have been afflicted by this sickness. Let us be thankful that we have the blessings of sobriety, and be willing to help the alcoholic find this blessing too.

"...it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair..."

I read this and think, where is my compassion? Where is my understanding. Where is my faith in God, and love and marriage? It's hard to separate the disease. I remember, when people are attacking my choices and attacking my life, that addiction is a disease of the body, mind and spirit. It's like a tornado, spinning out of control and picking up peices and throwing them aside with no regard. I am quick to remember that when it's convenient for me and I have to justify my decisions. I can come up with all kinds of love and compassion and understanding and I look like a freaking saint. But when it's just the two of us, standing toe to to with nothing but the debris from the tornado, that concept disappears pretty quickly and I have no compassion, no program, no higher power. And I just stand there and judge him for not being what I expected him to be.
And here we go again..... Pastor Ed suggested to me that I forgive him for not living up to my expectations. And I thought I did that. But I guess I didn't, if I have to keep doing it over and over again....
I don't know what the resolution to this post was. Just getting it out- I guess. Spinning my own wheels.
If you made it to the end of this post, I appreciate your patience and please leave me a comment. Any experience strength or hope you might have...

Powerlessness

"Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober....nothing I could do would make or break a person's sobriety."
I am NOT all powerful. I was never able to make my husband get sober. There was no crisis that I could create to make him decide to stop drinking before he was ready to do it. And also, nothing that I do is going to break that sobriety, if he has it, and if he wants to keep it. I think back at all the things I used to do, thinking that perhaps it would get him to stop drinking- and maybe if he was sober ONE night, he could be sober a FEW nights. I don't do that anymore.
He is not drinking anymore, and I believe that he's clean and drug-free. I can't be 100% certain. He was doing alright for a few days, but today he was particularly moody when I came home from lunch. He is angry and annoyed and I made the mistake of asking him, "what's the matter with you?" although I really didn't want to know. I know that it couldn't be MY fault, and today I am concent knowing THAT much.
The program has helped me accept that I can't make him do anything he does not want to do. It has helped me to stop obsessing about what he is and isn't doing all the time. That doesn't mean that I don't obsess about other things...but at leastI have learned to detach from his disease. I have let go of his drinking, and his drug use- and alot of his health issues. I can only take care of myself and the things that I can control. This program has taught me that I can only make my own decisions, and I have to live with whatever those decisions are. And Michael has to live with whatever his decisions are. That's his deal, not mine.
Some days, I am grateful for my powerlessness- it lets me off the hook. It says to me, "hey, that problem over there?- it doesn't have your name on it. let it go." And I can do that. And it doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that I recognize that it's not my problem to fix- and there's no need to fret over it.
Today I'm powerless, and I mean that in a good way!!

Blessing or a Curse??

So I just can't believe what happened today. I went to the DMV about my car....a whole big mess to get it registered so I can finish my insurance claim etc. And I can't do it...big pain in the rear and I'd go in to it, if it matter- but it doesn't....because...I got a call tonight and they found my van. THEY FOUND MY FUCKING VAN. And where? About a BLOCK away from my house. A Block. I could have walked to it. So the police had it towed to a place about a mile away (why they didn't just bring it right to my house, I don't know.) So tomorrow I have to go down there, get them to release the car to me- and then either drive it- or have it TOWED back to my apartment where I can let it sit for a week until I can pay to have them fix whatever CRAP is wrong with it now. It's going to cost me $125 if I pick it up tomorrow, and $22 a day after that. Gee, it's a good thing that I'm independently wealthy huh??
oh wait...
crap...
I'm NOT!!!
And really, I don't WANT it back...but I guess the whole issue with registering it, and the insurance thing was going to be a lot of trouble. A LOT!!! So maybe it's for the best this way. I think the insurance will pay for whatever repairs it needs too. I have to make a jillion phone calls tomorrow about that. I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted.
I was going to stay up a little later tonight, but I can't. I just want to go to bed now, and sleep off this news. I don't even want to think about how much this is initially going to cost me, and if it's even worth it. I can't seem to catch a break.

Courage to Change

"I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I've sacrificed to worry and fear, I'd add years to my life."
Isn't that the truth. I have been doing my best lately- NOT to worry about Michael and his health. I have been pretty much ignoring what ever is wrong with him simply because he does not want my help, nor does he need it. But he's sick. He's very sick. He's depleting. I mean, he is so thin, and it's not a good thin. His skin is getting all splotchy, he has burning in his legs and sometimes his hands. He's always achy. Tonight he sat down and talked to me about how he was feeling, physically feeling. He really needs to be in the hospital. There is really something very wrong with him. He swears he's clean, and I believe him today. I don't know really how well he is managing his blood sugar. I have not been paying attention. He doesn't appear to be paying any attention to it other than to take some insulin at night. I still see him eating bad foods. But I never say anything. He has to suffer these consequences. But I still feel bad for him. It sucks to be sick, even if it's a somewhat self-induced sick. I suggested that he call the doctor tomorrow and have them admit him into the hospital for however many days it takes. Really get a diagnosis for his laundry list of symptoms. He says "I feel like I'm dying." Which sounds very dramatic, but in all honesty- he looks like he's wasting away. I sense that he wants me to take a concentrated interest. He feels very lonely, he doesn't have anyone to talk to.
It's not that I don't listen to him when he talks to me, it's just that.... well.... ok- right now, as I am typing- there is a half gallon of Extreme Moosetracks icecream next to my keyboard, a small pampered chef wooden spoon stuck in it- and I am taking bites intermittently as I type. Ok- so that being said, how much sympathy or even understanding am I going to get if I bitch about being overweight?? Eventually if every day I was posting about comsuming 4000 calories a day and why can't I lose any weight?-- you, dear readers- will stop reading, having come to the conclusion that I am just bitching and not really all that concerned with making any REAL changes. That is the conclusion that I have come to regarding Michael and his health. Based on his actions, I have concluded that as of today, he does not want to make any REAL changes. Maybe that will change. Maybe a week in the hospital- and a real good look at things to come will make a difference for him. I don't know. All I know, is that while I DO really care. I do have a interest in his health- I can't show him that. I can't do his worrying for him. I can't make the doctor appointments for him. I can not hold his hand through another hospital stay. I've done my time at his bedside. It never made on bit of difference.
But maybe he something will spark some change in him. It's not easy. I know that for sure. Change is hard for everyone. But just like I am walking through my changes alone- I have to let him walk through his. Alone.

Sunday night thoughts

I have to get ready for tomorrow. I have to give the kids a bath- and get thier clothes ready for tomorrow. I have to take my kids to day care in the morning. Michael has someplace he needs to be in the morning, he didn't directly ASK me to take them- but he implied that it would be alot easier for him if he didn't have to do it. I guess I could have played stupid and not offered, but I'm sure he would have kept commenting on it- and it would have annoyed me. So I offered. I am trying not to be pissy about it, because I did offer. I guess I cannot expect him to care that tomorrow is my first day at my new job. He barely commented about any emotion I had in leaving the old one. Whatever. I have to just let that go.
A friend of mine and I were talking about London recently. He had been to London and I've heard him talk often about how much he liked London. I remember when he returned from London and showed me all 6 rolls of photos (before the digital camera came around). He asked me if I ever thought I would go, to London...I thought for a second and replied, with all honesty, "Probably not." It's not that I would not WANT to travel, I have just never had anyone to travel with. And therefore travel has never been that important to me. I am afraid of flying, but it's convenient to be afraid to fly- I never fly anywhere. I have been on a plane a dozen times in my life. And yes, I panic a bit- but with the miracle of Xanax, I'm sure I will be fine the next time. He asked me, why I didn't think I'd ever go- that I should go. And I replied that I really haven't traveled, and I never met anyone who would want to take me anywhere. He told me that I don't need a man to take me places. And he's right- but I guess I've always had a man in my life, and none of them ever really took me anywhere.
He was shocked when I told him that I had never seen snow. Not just snow falling from the sky, I mean, I live in Southern California- that doesn't happen here. But snow, on the ground. I've never seen it. Never been to the mountains, I don't ski, obviously. And I have friends who have said, "oh- I'll take you." and I usually decline, because it really doesn't matter. Except now.
Michael has promised me every year that he would take me to see the snow. That we would take the kids (back when there was just two), then three, and four. We will go this year, he would tell me every year. And every year the seasons come and go- and no snow. And yes, I could pack my kids in the car and drive up to one of the local mountains... but what for??
My vacations consist of me, just not going to work. One of my best girlfriends wants to take me to Vegas when Michael finally moves out. And on a cruise to Mexico in the summer time cause summers are always stressful and I suspect this one might be harder than others. What makes me sad about the whole thing, is that it makes my life seem so empty-actually it accentuates the fact that it is empty. My life is filled with all this drama, but no real points of interest that would make it out of the pages of a script for Days of Our Lives. His comment on not needing a man to take me anywhere, is so obvious and simple, but I think it was as clear to him, as it was to me- that I was always waiting for just that. I guess lately, I have come to that realization- but hearing it outloud that way....well, it sucked.
But maybe someday I will travel, maybe even go to London... I guess anything is possible now. I just have to trust myself...

Friday night my friends from work took me out the Yardhouse for dinner and drinks. We had a nice time. Afterwards I said good bye to them, and cried, or came pretty close each time. Even though I think I will see most of these people again. I was told to remember my resolutions...to keep in touch with my friends. I will try. I miss them already, and it's only Sunday.
I'm ready to start something new tomorrow. I am excited about not having to leave my house until 7. I can sleep in an extra hour. I'm sure that I won't though.
I'm just feeling blank today. This weekend has been emotionally exhausting. I cried so much on Friday. Today I'm going to clean my bedroom, do some shopping, get my brothers car washed. Nothing exciting.
Maybe I will make it to a meeting today.
Tomorrow is my first day at my new job.
School starts in two weeks.
Michael is supposed to be moved out in 3 weeks. That is not looking very promising, but it's three weeks away- I will not focus too much on that right now.
Happy Sunday everyone...

My last day.....

Yesterday at work, the office had cake and ice cream for me. The cake said "Bon Voyage Julie". I was so suprised!!! Tonight some people and I are going out to dinner/drinks (lots of them) and I knew that. I was not expecting a cake, and everyone around me- smiling and they clapped for me. Someone said for me to 'say something'- but I couldn't. I almost started to cry just walking in the room and seeing everyone smiling at me. I made a funny comment about being able to sleep in. Then I cut the cake and served it, which is funny, and typical- but I probably would not have had it any other way.
Damn, they could not have made me feel any more supported about leaving. I am starting to feel better about it now. My hesitation has come from my own insecurity regarding my ability to do good work. But all week, people have been telling me how much I will be missed. That it won't be the same, that they will never find an equal replacement. And all that encouragement, makes me feel better about leaving. I feel like all these people are behind me- wishing me well, and believing that I can make a difference somewhere else. I'm so grateful for that.
Time to move on
Time to step out of my comfort zone
Time to prove
to myself
that I really HAVE grown

The changes start today.

I can't think of a title.....

It's been three days and I'm going through blog withdrawals. Is there anything that I don't eventually become hooked on??
Spoke to my sponsor the other day- she wants to get together to do my third step. I'm ready, but then, not so ready. My program has been suffering a bit as of late. I have taken my life back into my own hands lately. The third step is "Became willing to turn our will and lives over to the power of God as we understood him." and lately I have not been so willing to do that. I feel like I need to keep my hands on the wheel right now. (Referencing that song "Jesus take the wheel.") In the back of my mind, I sense this is a bad idea. I believe that God's plan for me is better than any plan that I have for myself. And in the grand scheme of things, I will end up where I'm supposed to. But I need to stay strong, and I need to stay focused on my goals. I have to keep my eye on the future today- because the present is kind of painful and I just need to look towards a better time, and I know that time is coming eventually.
I agreed to help Michael move out. He' s looking for a room to rent, and I offered to pay a month or two of that rent for him. It seems like the decent thing to do. Maybe too decent. Maybe too kind. But he's my husband and I want to him to be ok. Have a roof, and at least a decent start. He will have a membership to the gym, so if he finds himself somewhat homeless, he will have access to a shower. That seems like a decent thing to do. I have been told that it's still enabling. That I'm still helping him too much. But damn it, he's my husband!! I'm not divorcing him just yet. He's someone that I care about. Maybe I am not in love with him the way I used to be. But I still care about him. He's my kids dad. As thier mom, I owe it to them to help him where I can. And maybe two more months of shelter and access to something healthy, like a gym membership is the least I can do- perhaps to lessen my own guilt.
I am just not that person who can say, 'hey- screw you and get out.' I just can't do it. And maybe I should, but I can't. I won't. There's a limit to my helping, and if I can't help, I won't help. But if I can, I will- at least for now. Once he's moved out- and perhaps had time to adjust, then I will have to be stronger. I think it will be easier for me to be strong if he's not around to push my buttons.
There are women in my meeting who are "black belt Al-Anon's" who would be able to be stronger. Who would not put up with the crap that I have- and maybe some day I will be there. But today I'm just not. and I know the costs of that too.
Putting up with this. The drinking, the drugs, the peripheral crap that comes along with it... all of it, has cost me more than I thought I had to give. The fact that I have an ounce of dignity left is a miracle in itself. It has made me afraid. It has made me unable to trust myself- and other people. It has made me stop believing in the miracle of love and companionship- marriage. It's made me bitter and a little bit twisted. It's cut me off emotionally. There's this song "Because of you" from Kelly Clarkson, and while I suspect the song is about her mother- I hear it and I cry cause that is how I feel about him. "Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you- I am afraid."
And I have my better days. Days that I feel ok about my life. Days that I feel hopeful about my life. About my accomplishments and the direction I'm heading.
But
I'm heading there alone.
And that
really
really
fucking
sucks.
I got married so I wouldn't have to be alone.
I did not plan to raise three kids on my own.
And yeah, I'm a little pissed off about that.
Like I said, the present is painful.
Today hurts.
"Just for today" is no comfort- I prefer to look toward the unknown future- cause it's got to be better than this shit.
This too shall pass...my best friend Carrie always reminds of that. Thank God for that.
But until it does- I'll just keep look on to tomorrow.

My chemical levels are low....

I was reading this morning about the chemicals that are involved when we fall in love. I don't know why...
But it's something about PEA- phenylethylamine. It a natural amphetamine, gives us energy and makes us feel all those excited jittery feelings, the ones that happen in the beginning. The ones that will ultimately be the demise of your life if you do something stupid, like get move in together, get married, get pregnant or leave your current spouse before they wear off. Apparently after the PEA wears off, then your body creates dopamine, which stimulates the production of oxytocin. This is what keeps us around, it seems. The warm and cuddly chemicals. (granted I am reading this information off of some web sites so I'm certain that I'm missing important biochemical information, blah blah...
But anyway- my point is that chemicals seem to have alot to do with why we fall in love, and how we stay in love. This is an idea that I can grasp. I have issues with sociology and theories. Give me facts any day.
So in keeping with this whole chemical thing, I have a thought. Why is it that after a few days of not talking to someone you care about, you start to miss them. That weird aching in your gut, the weight that sits on your heart. I wish I had a big vocabulary to explain it better. Is that the result of your body not creating that domanine? A low level of the oxytocin that seems to pump through us constantly when we are in love? Because it seems to me, that as soon as the object of our desire returns- even with something as small as a phone call...we return to our "normal person"state, and no longer feel that emptiness. We have our fix and are high once again. We all have our addictions...

So this is 2006 huh??

So it's New Years Day and since I can't watch the damn Rose Parade until tomorrow- I will go ahead and post some resolutions, resignations and a gratitude list. I really watch the Rose Parade. I love parades. Not the floats, but the marching bands, tall flag and dance teams. I find a weird comfort in the straight lines and diagonals of a parade block. The flow and unity of it, when it's right. It's an old drill team thing. I was the front right guide. I was NEVER out of step. Damn, I loved that!!!

Resolutions.
1. This year I am going to continue making my best efforts not to overdraw my checking account. Sounds simple for some of you who don't live paycheck to paycheck, but for those of us who do-well, it's not always as easy as it sounds.
2. I'm actually going to just try to be better with my money overall. Spend less when I have more. Save some for the lean months, because I know when they are.
3. Keep my house cleaner- even if it means hiring someone to come in and clean it for me.
4. Take Alex to the movies more often. I realized yesterday on our way to the movies that the last time I took him to the movies was LAST YEAR, for his birthday.
5. Potty train both babies. Gabe is 3 years old, Danny is two. They should BOTH be out of diapers by this time next year.
6. Continue to be more social. This is something that I have been practicing since I got into program. Spending time with friends and not declining invitations without a truly good reason to do so. I have spent alot of years not nurturing the friendships I have because I keep telling myself that they don't REALLY want to hang out with me.
7. Find another business. I did the candles and the stamps. I still sell Avon. I am seriously seriously considering pleasure parties- and no, not the instructional kind. The kind with lotions and lingerie and toys.
8. Work out. I joined the gym- so I need to use it. I am strangely comfortable being overweight lately, which is not good. I guess I am more comfortable with my insides, so my outsides don't bother me as much. But seriously, I have a family history of heart disease- and even my doctor mentioned that with my stress level, I really should do whatever I can not to fall over dead at 40.
9. Keep in touch with my friends. I am leaving my current job, and I need to stay in touch with the friends I have made. I am bad about that.
10. Get through my steps this year. I have to keep going with my program. I still have not done my third step, although I wrote it out months ago.
11. Anonymously blog about all of me... not just my al-anon stuff and my kids. I have a whole world of crap going on in my head and I wonder if this blog just presents me as this really sad woman with kids and a husband who is an alcoholic. I think I have alot more to say than just this.

Resignations.
1. I am NOT a good cook. I'd like to perfect a few recipes that my kids will injest, but I am NOT my mother. I cannot whip up something in 10 minutes with hot sauce, half a rotissie chicken and some onions.
2. I will never please my mother. It's just not possible. It doesn't matter what I do, or how well I do it. I will never be good enough in her eyes, and perhaps I have to accept that maybe the problem is her expectations, and not my actual output.
3. I do not want to be alone. I hate being single. I really really do. But I think that being on my own, sans male companionship is going to be important, when the situation presents itself.
4. I have really screwed myself up these past 7 years. I have such a skewed and ass backwards look of what marriage is supposed to be like. I have accepted unacceptable behavior, so much that it looks normal to me now. I need to find out what it means to be treated the way I deserve. I need to figure out what it is that I deserve and not settle for less than that.
5. I hate this disease. Addiction is the worst thing to ever touch my life, and I don't even have it!!! But I have to remember that it's a disease and I need to hate the disease not the person. (That's kind of like "Don't hate the playa, hate the game." Sorry, that line cracks me up every time.)

Gratitude List (and I'll just run it off)

My kids, they really are great kids.
My job (old and new)
my family
my friends
My sponsor
I have cable
I have dsl
I have a cell phone
I am starting to restore my credit
I have a place to live
I have a good relationship with my ex husband
I have accepted that Michael and I are going to be ok, regardless of what happens between us
I have love in my life, lots of it.
Flavored coffee creamer
My new boots (ok I'm not grateful for them, but I love them so much!!!)
And I am truly grateful for the fact that there is MORE that I could put on this list if I had the time. I have alot to be grateful for.

Happy New Year!!!!

One Day at a Time

Todays reading is about waiting before we make a major decision, visualizing the outcome to all people involved and examining my own faults in the situation.
When I read things like I always think it's a message from my higher power, telling me to STOP what your doing...(cause I'm about to ruin, the method of rhyme that your used to.... sorry, had to bust into song.) But it's true. I'm starting to question the big changes that are happening.
My last day at my new job is in one week. I am going to start cleaning out my desk, maybe come in to work on Saturday and take down all my personal stuff- so next week I can start training my replacement and walk out next Friday with just my purse. I don't want to leave here with a box of my personal belongings and tears in my eyes. I need to start the break now. But I am starting to worry. Starting to wonder if I am making a huge mistake. I am going to put one foot in front of the other, and just keep moving forward and not think about the rest of my life, or even the rest of the month. Just get up every day and live that day to the best of my ability.
I was also faced with guilt about Michael last night. I am not exactly sure what happened but I am apparently being blamed for him not having anyone to talk to. He had some sort of argument with his family and it seems they are offering him help that he is not too eager to take. I didn't press him for too much information because he was angry. But the jist of it, was that it was my fault for something he claims I said to his mom, but I didn't say anything she didn't already know. But I felt guilty, because nobody wants to be alone, it sucks to FEEL alone. And I know that he is.
My sponsor did not answer the phone, so I called a friend- someone who I knew would give me a straight answer and not let me backslide. I heard what I needed to hear...it's NOT my fault. It is not my fault that he has alienated himself. I cannot take responsibility for his every emotion, even if I want to.
So this morning, when I read that page in my book- my initial thought was, "hmmmm am I considering everything? Perhaps if was a little bit nicer...perhaps if I was not in school and was a better wife...maybe maybe maybe."
But then I remembered that I HAVE considered everything. I have tried to be patient, I have tried being kinder, gentler. I have my problems, but in this marriage I am NOT THE PROBLEM. The problems lie with him. His inability to take care of himself. He refusal to take care of his health, not working, and not contributing as a functional part of this family. It's not about love, it's about survival. And I can't survive here.
I can't enable him any more. I can't feed my co-dependent ego by rescuing him because I am not helping him and only hurting myself. I have to keep telling myself that. Co-dependency doesn't help anyone. Rescuing him is only prolonging whatever pain that will eventually cause him to seek help on his own.
Last night in my meeting we talked about accepting grief and pain. There was a woman there who talked about the loss of her son, and she was so honest and so brave. She was in so much pain, and she has no choice but to let go and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Her pain is so much greater, her loss is so much more. But she can be honest with herself. Feel the pain when it hits and do what it takes to walk through it. I have to just walk through it. My pain is not unique. My problems are not any different than the thousands of other families who suffer this disease. I just have to stay my course and keep on walking. It only hurts for a little while...

Christmas survey

Stole this from Venz... thanks!!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper
2. Real tree or artificial? A co-worker gave me an artificial tree last year because it was too big for her small apartment, I'm so grateful to have it. We didn't get it up this year... don't get me started.
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually two weeks before Christmas
4. When do you take the tree down? After the new year
5. Do you like egg-nog? I don't think so.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A teddy bear that I got from my step dad, Bill (who died 11 years ago). I named him Barney. I still have him. I once left him behind in Hawaii and had the hotel send him to my house. My mom stitched his legs up several times and he doesn't have a nose anymore.
7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, the first Christmas Michael and I spent together he said we needed to have one.
8. Hardest person to buy for? My brother Johnny.
9. Easiest person to buy for? Michael.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I have resorted to mailing them the last few years, but I took great joy the years that I handmade my cards and sent them out.
11. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Ref. It's freaking hilarious. I also love "The Santa Clause" and "Charlie Brown Christmas."
12. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don't know.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? About two weeks before Christmas
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I think so.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? PIE and my aunt's fudge. I didn't get any this year.
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I like both, but I think we have colored. My first Christmas tree had all red lights.
17. Favorite Christmas song? Rocking around the Christmas Tree- Brenda Lee, Winter Wonderland- Darlene Love (I think), and the once Charlie Brown song from Vince Guaraldi.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I would prefer to stay at home, but I don't have a house that accomodates my family and I miss my family something awful- so I travel locally when I can. I didn't see my family this year but I talked to my sisters and got and instant message from my brother from Iraq.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? only if I sing the song.
20. Do you have Jesus in your heart this Christmas? I'm trying.
21. What is your favorite Christmas tree ornament? Michael and I have two ornaments that are kind of reminiscent of the "us." A sun and a moon. We always put them on the same side of our tree- sort of facing each other. I have a feeling I will always do that.

Feel free to answer any or all of the questions too!!

Christmas morning

The boys are still sleeping. I am tempted to wake them, because we are going to my sister-in-laws place at 11:30, which is really prime nap time, so if I get Danny up, I can still give him a short nap before then. I was really hoping that it would be later. What time are we having DINNER that we have to be there at 11:30. I always hate eating "dinner" at 3, cause then we are stuffed, we get home, it's 7PM and we still have to eat....
Anyway, as soon as I'm done here I will get Danny up- and perhaps I can convince Michael that we don't leave until noon. It's not as if we can drive seperately. I don't really feel like going.
So one of my best girlfriends came by last night and dropped off presents for the boys. I guess about two each and something for me too. It was very nice of her and I'm grateful. So the boys will have a few presents to open, not as if they were expecting anything but hey, they have something to open. I already gave Michael the shoes I bought him, and I don't suspect he bought anything for me- even though he has had money in the week or so that he could have picked me up a pair of earrings or a book or a CD or something.... but that's ok. I don't really care. He doesn't go out of his way and buy gifts for me any other day of the year either.
I am wishing I could see my friends today and talk to them and see what's up. But I know they are all with family and overwhelmed with Christmas Cheer and I probably could not stomach it- nor would I want to spew out bad vibes at people.
I am feeling a little better this morning, except I still can't breathe. Damned Afrin.
Ok- program....
This mornings reading is "Let Go and Let God"- and the quote said, "I won't always look to God to help me when I'm too lazy to do my share of thinking."- "God helps those who help themselves."
Yes, I know and believe this. So what?- So I guess I'm going to get the kids up- let them open thier presents and play with them, I'm going to get in the shower, make the stuffing, and go to Christmas at my sister in laws house and be cheery. Act as if... Fake it till it feels good... Suit up and show up.... Perhaps if I do my part- be present and participate- it won't kill me. I will get a good meal and I won't be alone, nursing my misery. And who knows, I might even have some fun.
Merry Christmas all.

18 hours down, 30 hours to go.

I just want to wake up on December 26th and viola!- it's over.
Last year, Michael and I did not go anywhere for Christmas. Alex went to his dad's, but we opted to stay home both days. It seemed safer that way. Less chance for social anxiety.
Today, I miss my family, but I guess not enough to leave the house.
I am depressed today. It took me until about 3PM to really get motivated enough to stop falling asleep on the couch.
I am trying to wean off the Afrin that I've been using for 9 days now. The package says not to use it for more than 3. As if my cold symptoms will be gone in a mere 3 days. Of course I really don't have cold symptoms 9 days later, I just have irritated nasal passages from over use and the only thing that will open up my nose so I can breathe, is more freakin Afrin. My husband told me to lay off the Afrin because it's like I have a coke habit. There are 4 random bottles of Afrin around my house, and in my purse. And he hears me doing it in the middle of the night. I laughed. So now I'm just doing one side at a time, as needed (meaning I can't breathe), and only one spray. Not three sprays in each nostril regardless of which side needs it. I never noticed before the medicine rush you get from it, always just the amazing ability to breathe that makes me loyal. This morning I took Afrin, and then a benadryl. I slept for two hours. I didn't think much about taking both medicines together because I tend to not think of Afrin as medicine, just a way for me to keep breathing...
But I am depressed today. I just kept napping, and feeling quite lousy- even though there was really nothing physically wrong with me. I guess I can relate to why Michael just sleeps when he's depressed. That is all I want to do today. I feel tired, and achy and I FEEL feverish, but I don't have a fever. Outside of my irritated nasal passages (that I am certain are effects of the Afrin and not a cold) there is nothing physically wrong with me, the same way there is not usually anything wrong with him- but I'll be damned if I don't FEEL sick.
So here I will bust into program speak, cause that is what I have committed to do here...
But for the grace of God....
I do not feel this way every day. I do not go through days, weeks and months when I just want to sleep all the time. I would really hate feeling this way for more than a day or so. I was on the couch today, and Michael was caring for the kids and I was just asleep on the couch for no good reason other than that I was not motivated to even move to the bedroom. Michael goes through days like this and I just look at him and think, 'why won't you just move your sad ass to the bedroom?'- but today, he asked me to move into the bedroom, and I ignored him, not the same way he ignores me- and I didn't ignore him because he ignores me. I ignored him because I just did. I felt lousy and I didn't feel like moving because I knew that once I got up, I would really have no good reason to lay back down, and I wasn't ready to get up. I haven't felt this way since my short post-pardom stage.
Just stay immobile and the world can simply move around me.
But I have to be grateful that I am not afflicted with chronic depression. I am grateful that when I wake up, the day after tomorrow, I will feel just fine again. It's ok to be depressed, I just don't have to live here for 10 years.

So here I will make a gratitude list (5 items), because that is what I'm supposed to do when I'm feeling depressed. (Program has forever ruined misery for me)

1. I'm grateful for my friends. Right now I truly feel that I have some good friends in my life. When I leave my job in two weeks, I know there are a handful of people who I will truly make efforts to stay in touch with. People who I will truly miss and I will make efforts to keep in touch with.
2. I'm grateful for my program. I have been letting it slide lately. Forgetting who my higher power is, and allowing other side issues in my life to become my higher power.
3. I'm grateful that I do not suffer from chronic depression.
4. I am grateful that Alex is having a great Christmas with his dad.
5. I am grateful that my younger boys will have some presents to open on Christmas morning and they are too young to care that we never did put that damn tree up.

just keep breathin girl, it's almost over....