covering my nuts

Ok- I'm cheering up, I'm sorry for the cuntastic attitude I've had lately. My pointless period is late, late for what- I have no idea. No sex, no sperm, no TUBES, no problem. Die eggs die!!!!!

I'm having some money struggles right now. No fault but my own really. The kids are out of daycare and e-husband is home watching them and that is supposed to SAVE me money, and it will- once I get caught up from what I couldn't afford to begin with.

And I don't want to borrow money from what I will have later. I just need to create money where there currently is none. I put my school books on half.com and I have some reimbursement stuff to turn in- so I think I will be ok, but it's interesting how my spending habits change when e-husband is around. Take out food and dessert and extra stuff seems so logical. Food I don't usually buy tastes better. I wonder if I'm trying to create an environment or something. Let him know that I'm grateful for him being here. Buy his affection with food.

Yeah, I know how to get to a mans heart. With meat. Fried meat, white meat, deli meat, red meat. All sorts of meat. I've been cooking. Side dishes, vegetables the whole deal. And you know, all that costs money that my salary does not exactly cover. My meals, without him around, consist of a frozen dinner, or a sandwich, or a plate of leftovers from my mom's house. Sometimes waffles or a bowl of cereal.

I would guess that I try to spend less than $5 a day on my own meals. Coffee, frozen lunches and dinners are described above suit me just fine. But when I find myself spending $25-$35 on groceries for one or two meals, well, that dwindles the account faster than I expected. Perhaps I'm just giddy from all the good food and I don't think straight.

I don't ask for much. It's not like I am asking for $54 million for a pair of pants. (I just want to punch this fucken guy.) I just want to be able to eat and pay the bills, in the same week. My mother told me today that her friend is renting a BIG house in Arizona, for $300 less than my newly raised rent in a shitty neighborhood. Yes, cause moving to a new state is always the best way to solve money problems...

The wrong side of life today

A year ago I wanted to leave my husband. My life was going a whole different direction. A new future, the promise of a new man. All that BEE ESS. Today, it's different, but still so much the same.

I no longer want a new man, and not sure that I want the old man. Deanna said I was being all Alanis, and maybe she's right- but either way- I'm restless and in serious need of something. A drink, a smoke. Oh you have no idea how bad I want to smoke. But I won't.

This is me today. All made up and pretty:



I even got my nails done. Yeah, it's serious....



I'm going to try to utilize my makeup and jewelry stash. E-husband suggested that perhaps I would feel better if I made an effort for myself. Maybe that was his way of telling me that I do NOT look just fine without makeup and in a ponytail. He's honest, in a tactful way. And you know, for all of his bullshit... well, whatever.

So ok, here I am- dolled up, adorned, painted, and moussed.

Love me- I fucking dare you.

I never want to be in a relationship that has me as a partner.

What the cock about that??

Many years ago I made a list of the qualities I would want in a good man. It had about 30 things on it, and it has an honest and practical list of things that went beyond the first year of dating. Some things that you don't always think about in the beginning, but upon looking back, may have been a sign that I missed. I can't find the list now- although I know it's here somewhere. I remember a few things.

• Sense of humor
• Kind
• Healthy relationship with his mother
• Solid friendships
• Can speak positively about his past relationships
• Moderately educated
• Willing to slow dance with me
• Handy around the house
• Patient
• Doesn't hate my friends
• Gets along with my family
  
• Compliments me
  
• Good listener
• Not condescending
• Humble
  
• Fair
• Reasonable life expectations
  

To name a few. Notice I said HEALTHY relationship with his mother. Sometimes a little bit of conflict is ok.

I remember after I put this 30 some odd point list together, I went back and put all the men I've ever been involved with up to the list. Just to see how well I have gone after the things that are really important to me. Strangely, nobody really hit 75%- most were closer to 50%. It's no wonder I am always so restless and eventually grow to hate the men that I spend the most time with. I really DON'T believe that this perfect guy is out there for me. I have some friends who are married to thier cosmic equal. I mean, these couples are so perfectly matched there is almost a glow around them. It's amazing. Everything seems effortless, even though I have witnessed the efforts. Everything appears smooth, even though everyone has rough patches.

NONE of my relationships have been effortless. None of them have been smooth. And perhaps maybe that is more about ME than it is about the men I involve myself with. Perhaps the common denominator I am missing is the fact that I am so fucked in the head I don't know a good relationship from a hole in my head. Don't get all "Oh Julie don't be hard on yourself." I KNOW me, and I am not always a picnic. I think I took some perfectly good men and fucked them up. Just ask Paul.

I'm a very logical girl, and I own my fucked-up-edness. Do I not believe that the right man is out there because he's truly NOT? Or am I SO twisted in my own man-haterish that I will never recognize or find him even if he came to my house delivering a pizza? And if I do, will I sabotage and twist him until he is so equally fucked up that I can blame him for everything- and therefore be correct in my believe that the right man is NOT out there.

I'm right, men suck and I can continue my life as a bitter queen.

Still peepin'

I'm still on 25 peeps. I seem top be hanging in there pretty well. Yah. and really, my goal is to stay up as long as, or longer than the girl with the leather gloved boobs. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She's a nice gal with a sexy blog. Good product reviews. I know her from my "other blog". But God damn, she's at the THE top of every list. She's so popular, she's got her own list, and wouldn't ya know it?- she's at the top of that one too!! So click me up real nice!!



Now I do ok on those lists, my other blog is very popular. Many of you have been there!!

Holy shit- it's HNT!!!! How did I forget???



Have a great day!!

Is that... hair gel??

This is somebody's product logo. I had to take a picture of it. It just begs for comments.



Who can be the spokesperson for this?? Who is least likely to make me wet??

I had a lousy day yesterday. All day long I was just bitchy and annoyed and anxious. Yes, I took my crazy pills and everything!! Some days are just like this. This is MY now, people.

Perhaps it's because my kid is coming home next week. Or because the e-husband is in the house and while he's doing a good job taking care of the kids, the 'honeymoon' is over. Shocker huh? It took 72 hours for him to start bugging me. Not in the sense that I want to hit him on the head with something heavy, just in the sense that I wish he could go home every night and come back in the morning.

Perhaps I'm just bored because I'm not in school and I have nothing to focus my energy on. Maybe I just need to get laid. Either way, yesterday was not a great day and so far, today isn't feeling too much better. My boss called and told me the cheer up and ran down a list of why I should not be in a bad mood. Cause apparently I am not entitled.

Alex comes home in 6 days and I have mixed feelings about that. Not mixed cause I don't want him home, but mixed because I hope that it will make things a little easier on me in some ways, but I KNOW that it will make it harder in others.

For instance- have you any idea how much a 12 year old boy eats?? If you are thinking, "His weight in pasta." - you'd be right. If you are thinking, "anything" you'd be wrong. Alex is just like his dad in most of the ways that I really hated his dad. One of those ways is that he is a picky eater and does that 'gagging' thing if I ask him to eat something new. My response to that gagging thing is to hit him upside the head, you know, to help him swallow. Really, it has nothing to do with my annoyance level. Really.

Also, have you ever noticed that boys just smell funky?? There is that funky 'kid smell' that sticks to everything. And three boys in one room? yeah, I think they need a ceiling fan. Or an air purifier. maybe both.

And then there is the "sarcasm" thing. Everything you say is responded with some sarcastic remark. And then "I'm just kidding." "I'm just kidding" is as hated in my house as much as toy guns and mopping the floor.

Of course, there is the issue of puberty. You know, the thought of my kid finally wanting to take a shower and then staying there too long just makes me throw up a little bit. If I don't get alone time to do it, he certainly shouldn't. And you know, I still have to remind him to wash his hands... ugh...

Ok, well, I guess I don't need breakfast after all.

There will be challenges to raising a teenager and two toddlers. It's new territory for me, and of course, he's been with his dad all year. I suspect the deprogramming to take about 2 months.

move it like you just don't care!!!

You go baby!!!

He's got moves...

You know, he's braver than I am. And probably with better moves!!! (And bigger tits too!)

But what the hell, still makes me want to get up and dance with him!!!

I am mommy, hear me roar.

I used to live by a family that was always yelling. The parents, the kids- yelling. Always yelling. I remember being able to hear them yelling at each other. To this day, there is a strange uncomfortableness when I visit. I never wanted to be 'that house.'

I find myself wondering though, if we have become 'that house.' There are days, much like today that I really feel that I have failed. That I could and SHOULD do better. I lose my cool way to easy. I yell too quickly, and too often. I never claimed to be soft spoken, but I never thought I was a 'screaming mom' either.

There was an episode of Dr. Phil where a woman allowed them to video tape her at home and in the car. She was shocked to see that she was constantly yelling at her kids. Her voice was shrill, and angry and intimidating. I thought it was sad. I made a mental note to not be her. I thought about her today. The picture of her losing her cool and verbally wailing on this young boy, (maybe age 12?) came rushing to my mind.

I should have been better prepared. I should have taken the cups out of the bath tub. There are other bath toys. Bath toys that Danny does NOT use to pour water on to the bathroom floor- EVERY FUCKING TIME! I should have had their soap on the edge of the tub, so I did not have to turn my back to him and he would not have been able to pour the entire 20 ounce cup of water on the bathroom floor- AGAIN.

But he did. And I yelled. Loud enough to scare both naked toddlers. I threw both cups into the sink, causing them to bounce back and sort of go flying across the room. I soaped Danny up, rinsed him off wrapped him in a towel and pushed him out of the bathroom to his dad, who decided NOT to come in and see if I was ok. (He knows me well enough to know my answer.) I turned to Gabriel, who didn't seem to know WHAT to think. I yelled at him too, Asked him if he was going to make a fuss about the colored soap? He frighteningly shook his head no.

While I soaped him up, I started to calm down. I realized that HE hadn't done anything, and that HE never poured water on the floor, and that while he was arguing with me about the blue soap, at the moment that I turned my back to get the blue soap. The blue soap (that sort of paints him blue and washes away) that he does not like- so why do I insist on using it?? He let me use it anyway, probably not wanting to test me further. He reiterated that he was a good boy (he does this when Danny gets in trouble) and that he was a big boy, and Danny is still a baby.

Danny is still a baby.

It comes from Bill, my step dad. He yelled a lot. Aggression was the way he worked. He scared the ever-livin out of me, because he always yelled, cussed a lot, and hovered over me when he did it. For all my 5 feet tall, I still must seem like a giant to them.

I hate myself at the moment. I need to try to yell less. Love more. Understand and be more patient. I can love them, and discipline them without screaming all the time. I can get my point across, raise my voice when it's appropriate. But I do it all the time, so quickly. Sometimes it's necessary, but sometimes it's not deserved. They deserve to have me not screaming every time I'm unhappy. Being 3 and 4 does not warrant my rage every time something goes awry.

They are 3 and 4, something is ALWAYS awry. I wonder how much of that has to do with me- more than them?

twisted truth and half the news

I heard on the radio this morning that the #1 lie that happily married men tell is: "I'll never lie to you."

I also read somewhere else that the #1 lie that men (all groups) tell is: "You're perfect just the way you are."

Gee- this is hopeful.

But just to even the score, I found this list of lies that women tell their men.

You can tell me, I promise I won't get upset. (This is a trap, if I didn't plan to get upset, I would not care to know what stupid thing you did.)

I don't talk to my girlfriends about you -- that would be wrong! (Yeah, well. If I've ever had sex with you, you can BET that at least two people know ALL about you.)

I wouldn't change a thing about you. (If this is the case, chances are, we're not a couple and your stupid bad habits don't MATTER to me because I don't have to deal with you on a daily basis)

Money is not important to me. (It's important to me that you make your own money. I can love a rich man just as easily as I can love a poor man- maybe easier)

We can still be friends. (I want to tell you about the other guys I am sleeping with.)

I don't mind picking up the tab. (I don't really care about this. I am always flattered when a man pays for me. But sometimes it's not a big deal.)

I don't mind it when you leave your socks and clothes lying around the house. (Find a corner at least!!)

I respect the fact that when you ignore me, it's nothing personal. (yeah, ignore me- go ahead. It makes it easier to look for a new man when you are not paying attention)

Oh, he's just a friend. (If I wanted to be with him, I WOULD. Shut up!!!)

Oh Baby! I'm coming! Yes! blah, blah, etc. (Well I don't fake it anymore. I'm 35. My faking days are over.)

The Superbowl's on? Great! (I could not even say this with a straight face.)

I'm not upset. (No not upset, just SAD because I am realizing that you are an asshole.)

He was checking me out? No, I didn't notice. (I always notice. I encourage it. Hello...)

I love to feel a man's beard on my chin. (Just keep it trimmed ok?)

It dosn't matter how big you are. Really! (I can love a man with a big penis just as easily as I can love a man with a small penis- maybe easire. C'mon, nobody PREFERS a man with a small cock. I mean, sometimes you just have to play the hand you are dealt. I'm ok with that.)

Oh, I had a lesbian experience... just once, though. (Damn, I wish I could tell this lie.)

Her! Ha. I am not jealouse, I am way better looking than her! (And you BETTER fucking agree with me!!)

It's your choice. (If I tell you that I don't care where we eat, I really don't care. If you chose someplace that I don't want, I will say so. Choose. CHOOSE. CHOOSE!!!!!)

no really I dont mind you sticking it there.

You are the best I've ever had (If I had a dime...)

No, you don't hog the bed, I have plenty of room.

Oh honey, it's not the length...it's the girth that counts. (This is a good one. Everybody wins.)

I am not using you for your money!!! (Hell, I'm looking for a man I can use for his money.)

I forgive you (I'll forget about it, until you fuck up again.)

You're my first (I have had a first time (for something) with so many different guys, I don't even know who my first was.)

Its not small, its average (Look, if you know it's small- don't ask me to reiterate it for you.)

Size Really Doesn't Matter (This is only because there is nothing you can do to change it)

==========
Now I have told a handful of these, but my commentary only reflect MY attitude. Not all women tell all of these lies, so you know- give me a break. Don't email me and tell me that I should always be honest. That in a real relationship, there is 100% honesty. I believe that complete honesty never saved a relationship. Imagine...

- Yeah, she is hotter than you.
-No I was not looking at his ass, I was wondering how big his dick was.
-Of course I'd like to fuck your sister, who wouldn't?
-Hey, read this dirty email I got from my co-worker.
-Oh my god- what the fuck am I eating? Are you trying to kill me?
-Of course I check your email, I also check your cell phone and your wallet.
-It's not the pants that make your ass look fat honey, it's your ASS that makes it look fat.
-When you laugh like that, you sound like an asshole.
-Well, that was mediocre!!

My kids are possessed

Something happened in the night. It all seemed normal when I went to bed. Everything looked good. The house was tidy, no dishes in the sink. Everyone was asleep and there was no rukus coming from the ghetto streets of my neighborhood.

I slept a good 7 hours and woke up feeling semi decent. I am looking forward to the e-husband coming to visit and I am even planning a nice dinner for Fathers Day. All things being equal, I woke up feeling confident.

And then, the creatures that were my sons yesterday came out of their rooms. It was an amazing transformation, they looked exactly the same. They were even wearing the same clothes they went to bed in. It was uncanny. I almost would not have noticed it until the Clone of Gabriel spoke to me.

"MAMAAAA- I want some chocolate milk!"

and then the Clone of Daniel spoke, "NEMO NEMO NEMO NEMO"

It was like a pagan chant. And that was just the beginning. There were fights, CoG running and taunting CoD with a toy he had stolen right from his hand. CoD chasing him, and screaming, "GIVE IT BACK!!"

CoD let out his demon cry when I attempted to put him on the potty. I had one ear open for the knock on the door from Social Services because there was no doubt that someone was calling the police. It was audibly obvious that I was repeatedly poking this child with a branding iron. CoG kept coming over to demand that I help him find his car.

"MOMMY- you HAVE to find my spiderman car- NOW!"

It's hard to get into all the details of what happened next. It was sort of blurry and very loud. Screaming from both clone ends, I believe this was in an attempt to break me down and have the same spawn of hell come and possess me too- because for a moment I was ready to beat them, both. My cool being all but lost, I corralled Lucifer and Damien to their rooms. I put on a movie, ignoring the evil resistance that spewed from their mouth like orifices, and left the room. The word 'rotten' may have come from my lips, I'm not sure. I did not spank the Clones, they would not have gotten nearly as much out of it as I would.

I put the safety gate up, so they are safe for a while. With the best of luck, MY boys will return to spend the afternoon with me and their dad, If not, well like I said, the safety gate is up.

Fantasy Friday

My other blog occasionally has Fantasy Friday, so I thought I would bring it here. This is a bit of my writing, but with a PG-13 rating.


The Kiss

Her heart raced as his car pulled up. She checked her appearance in the mirror once more- straightened her blouse and fluffed up her hair. She was dressed in a simple brown skirt and button down top- no makeup. Just the way she knew he liked.

She opened the door and they hugged tightly. She wrapped her arms around him, under his, allowing him to crush her with his hug, the way he knew she liked. She invited him into her new place, showing him her new place- asking that he excuse the unpacked boxes and fast food bags on the floor.

He stood about an arms length away from him- making small talk, trying to act comfortable in her own skin. She could feel him staring through her. His eyes were transfixed on her mouth as if he could see the words falling to the floor in a useless fashion. His lips were in a half smile. She could feel his gaze, pulling her to him. Her cheeks felt flushed and she could feel a warmth spread over her breasts. He wanted to kiss her, she could see it in his eyes, the longing- the aching. Years and miles had torn them apart. Life has a way of moving people thru, but at this moment, they were here. Seconds away from each other.

She stopped talking mid sentence as he pulled her in- his lips setting her heart ablaze. Years of memories came rushing back like a flood. His tongue sweeping inside her lips. Delving into her soul, searching, reaching. She opened her lips and softly moaned into his mouth, trying to give him what he desired. The years, the miles...the moments lost forever, time spent apart, holidays, vacations ...mornings. She opened her heart and it poured out of her, dripped off her tongue and into his mouth. Giving him back all the time they lost in this one moment. This precious piece of time, absorbing the space between them.

Connecting them once again.

Stolen meme

I stole this from Hollz, who I just added to my blogroll. She's very funny and her HNT picture has her in some flower bushes, so I got to tell another chick, "Nice Bush."

sweeeeeet.


1.What's in your wallet?
Not enough money... some credit cards, insurance cards, Grocery store club cards, some reciepts and the back of an earring.
2.What's under your bed?
Jimmy Hoffa, probably. I haven't looked in a long time.
3.What's on that way top shelf or in the very far back of your closet?
Boxes of old books and crafty stuff.
4.What's in your underwear drawer?
Socks and underwear. A few pieces of lingerie, some CD's, and my porn DVD's.
5.What's in the trunk of your car?
A stroller, a pack n play, a jumbo puzzle, a stash of clean diapers and a roll of papertowels.
6.What colour is the underware your wearing at this moment?
Pink. ;)
7.Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what's in it?
If I do, I have forgotten where it is. That's how I lost my wedding ring. I put it away in a safe place, and I could never find it again. That should have been my first clue.
8.Do you feel guilty about something right now, if yes what?
Nope. No guilt at the moment. This is a first.
9.What is the most embarassing thing in your room right now?
I have a vibrator that I lost the bottom part to, the part that keeps the batteries in. It won't work without it, but I won't get rid of it, in hopes that I find that piece.
10.Have you done something recently you hope no one finds out about?
Probably....
11.What is your last thought before you fall asleep?
"Go to sleep Julie, it's late....
12.How long have those leftovers been in the fridge?
Maybe a few weeks at least.
13.If I confiscated your computer and took a look around....what would I find?
You would find my entire life on my computer. Banking stuff, tax stuff, school stuff, writing, pictures, every paper I've written in 4 years. OMG- I really need to back this up.
14.Do you sleep with anything?
Nope. Just me and my pillows.
15.What is your midnight snack weakness?
usually a candy bar
16.Have you ever you shop lifted?
Yes- when I was younger. Mostly makeup.
17.Have you ever vandalized anything?
I totally would not call it vandalism. I mean, shaving cream in the girls bathroom?? Is that really vandalism?? I think not!!!
18.Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
No but I'm married to him. He just isn't much of a dancer.
19.What do you wait until no one is looking to do?
Pull my underwear out of my butt.


Pick a few and answer them in my comments.... That means, leave a comment.

relaxin...

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

Congrats to those of you who guessed my picture for Os' contest. It wasn't that hard really- I still look 17. Ok, stop laughing.....

Do you Jimmy?

Bernie Mac was on Jimmy Kimmel last night. He is a pimp, that Bernie Mac. He was in a peachy/ orange shirt and pants and a hat. It was cool. I wish I could find a picture of it.

I do watch Jimmy Kimmel most nights of the week. I always liked him, even when he was just "Jimmy the Sports Guy" on my favorite LA radio station. He did a really funny (albeit bad) impression of Carl Malone, (from the "Utahr Jazz") and had kids call in to Santa Karl at Christmas time.

He does this thing at the end of the show where he apologizes to Matt Damon for running out of time. I guess it started when Matt Damon, (who- aside from his other movies, had a cameo in the movie School Daze as a character called Edgar Pudwhacker) cancelled on Jimmy's show several times. So then it became a running joke that he would bump him from the show. At the end of every show he always says, "My apologies to Matt Damon, we;ve run out of time."

I found this video online of a time when Jimmy actually HAD him on the show.

Matt Damon Flips Out on Jimmy Kimmel

Posted Sep 16, 2006

Apparently it was a joke, but really funny just the same. Last night, Guillermo, who is the 'parking lot' attendant got to go to the Premier for Ocean's 13 and he talked to stars on the red carpet. In the end, Matt Damon came over and he said, "Oh- I'm out of time!" and he turned his back to him. It was hilarious!!!

Apparently Jimmy's girlfriend, Sarah Silverman made the comment at the end of the MTV awards this month. I love her too. Here is an awesome clip about her love for cheese.



If you look around youtube, you can find "Give the Jew Girl Toys" which is another great one.

I would so fuck her.

TMI Tuesday #87

1. What is the meanest thing you've ever done/said to a lover/loved one?
I hate to admit that I have said many mean things to many loved ones. I can be much like my mother with a razor tongue when I feel I'm being backed it a wall. A few come to mind:
1) Maybe if you weren't such an asshole I would not have been sleeping with that other guy. (totally fucked up thing to say and to attempt to excuse my shitty behavior.)
2) You are a pathetic excuse for a man. (it really never got worse than this.)
3) Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. (Ok, this was really kind of funny because each "fuck you" was a response to some stupid comment he made.)

2. Have you ever had sex on an elevator?
Unfortunately no. But I did have sex in the carport at the Los Angeles Courthouse, the one with the jail. I love the anxiety of going to court.

3. Have you ever lied about a rash and said it was a birthmark? OR Have you ever lied about a birthmark and said it was a rash?
No on both...

4. Have you ever had sex on a beach or in the water at a beach/pool?
The e-husband and I had sex on the beach once. We were first dating, and we used to have sex everywhere. And a million years ago, Paul and I had sex in the jacuzzi at the apartment complex we lived at. It was high on a hill, overlooking the city (and the freeway), and it started to rain. It was pretty cool.

5. How old are you? How old do you feel? =P
I am 35. I feel every bit of my 35 years. Sometimes exhausted and getting up there, sometimes fantastic and in my "prime". It depends on the day.

6. Have you or your partner been injured so badly during sex that you/they had to go to the hospital?
Not exactly. When I was younger, I had a tilted cervix. So during sex it would hit the 'side' of my cervix and hurt like a mother fucker. I remember once when Paul and I were having sex, it hurt so bad I burst into tears and the next day I went to the doctor. So it was not exactly a sex related injury... (it fixed itself when I had kids).

7. Have you been to a strip club or "titty bar"? (Hooters does NOT count.) If so, did you get a lap dance?
No, but I TOTALLY WOULD!!!!!

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had a "blog crush" (i.e., a crush on someone, of whatever gender, that you haven't met in person but only know through their blog)? Who? (Link, please, if you dare!) =P
Does flirting and cybersex count as a 'crush'? Cause that's a whole different blog.

trust

Now that Paris is back in jail, we can renew our faith in the legal system, or something like that. Perhaps she will come out of jail a little more humbled and a little less of a twat, but probably not. Either way, she still comes home to a fancy schmancy life and lots and lots of money- perhaps she will use it to pay a driver.

The ehusband is still in my house and it seems that he will be around more often. I have to take the boys out of day care because my rent is being raised by $200 and I currently can only afford rent and daycare, and NOTHING ELSE.



So e-husband has offered to step up and watch the kids three days a week (the other two they will be with Oma- aka my mom) until the fall. By then Gabe will be in Kindergarten and I will only need child care for one. It's always risky when I rely on his help, because his health is so iffy, but I have no other choice than to accept it. I have to trust that it will be ok, and even if it's not, I will deal with that later. For now, saving $200 a week will not only afford us the basic things like food, it will actually leave me with some extra. 10 weeks at $200 a week is a nice little chunk of change. Alex will be home and can help out and my mom is around the corner and if it's really bad, then I can take a day off- or arrange help from one of my nieces and daughters of friends who are on summer vacation.

I am worried about it- but grateful. Grateful that he stepped up to offer his help. That he acknowledges that these are also his kids and it is not ONLY my responsibility to provide their support. Yes, it does put a wrench into my life a little bit, but it's only for a little while and this situation will be mutually beneficial for the both of us, without making any decisions to get back together.

For all of his crap, he has some redeeming qualities.

Weekend Stats
Naps I have taken this weekend- 2
Days I got to sleep in- 2
Meals I've had to cook- 0

And he's still kinda nice to look at.

Ok, yeah, so I'm getting a little mushy about it. But I have to admit, it's nice to have someone make an effort for me.

funny things on medical records

" Asked patient if she could see. She answered, 'Yes, you're ugly.' "

handled and half nekkid

I got off work yesterday and battled traffic. I usually don't have to battle traffic 11 miles from home- but there it was. I had a ton of errands to run and by the time I was done with all of them I just wanted to go home. I was irritated and in a rotten mood and admittedly, unreasonable and a little too harsh on the boys.

The e-husband presented me with a Xanax and two tylenol. Which I gladly took and sat on the couch where I promptly dozed off. When I woke up, the boys were bathed and ready for bed, just waiting for me to kiss them goodnight. Two loads of laundry were done, and dinner was ready for me.

wow.

And he didn't even ask for a blow job later. I might have even done it!!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday. This ones for you, Mike.

I already know all his lies.

I think I just found a pretty good reason to stay married.

The thought of finding a new man is enough to make me want to stab myself in the jaw. I already have established a familiarity with the fuck headed-ness of one man, and I don't think I want to venture into another. Without even looking for it, it has been proven to me that even the ones that really appear nice, honest and upfront from the beginning with nothing to prove or hide- are still liars and dogs. or DAWGS, if I may.

Example.

Me and the hot black bald guy have been flirting for a long time. Almost a year I think. He's sweet, he gorgeous, he's single. It's been harmless flirting, but he's always maintained that he's single. Weekends spent with his kids. Holidays with his family. Daughters, sons, brother- etc.

He's had a recent loss in his family and we hadn't had much time to talk, but he always seems to go out of his way to stop and say hello. More flirting. He knows I'm interested, I assumed he was a little bit interested.

Yeah, he got married last week. He told me he was having surgery. He was on his honeymoon. One of the other guys told me.

Ummmm, hello??

Strikes me as odd because I saw him and he said he was having surgery the next week, when in fact he was going on his honeymoon. Why would you not mention this??? So I sent him an email, thinking surely this other guy was fucking with me and his reponse was "yes I got married last week."

I emailed a response that I didn't even know he was dating anyone and he said, " I don't like to publicize things."

PUBLICIZE??? Wow, I'm sure his new wife will be happy to know that he wasn't telling the women that were interested in him that he was getting married.

What the hell is that????

You really can't tell the difference between the good ones and the bad ones. They all look the same. The walk the same, they talk the same, they dress the same. At least with the e-husband, I know what I've got and I know how to handle him.

Do I really want to break-in, or break the spirit of- someone new???

1:43

I am one hour and forty three minutes into "The Pursuit of Happiness." Somebody please tell me this movie has a happy ending, because I just don't think I can take much more.

Stop draggin my heart around...

I can't even begin to articulate the way I'm feeling right now. I just want to give up.

Baby you'll come knocking on
my front door
Same old line you used to use before
I said ya...well...
what am I supposed to do
I didn't know what I was getting into

So you've had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demon down
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around

It's hard to think about
what you've wanted
It's hard to think about what you've lost
This doesn't have to be the big get even
This doesn't have to be anything at all

I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl

Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words

There's people running 'round loose
in the world
Ain't got nothing better to do
Than make a meal of some
bright eyed kid
You need someone looking after you

I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl

Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around

yeah, that sounds about right.

What I love about the internet (adult content)

You can find anything. Today I looked for gluten free foods, directions to a store, information on Windows Vista, the TV guide, the phone number to the emergency room at my hospital, information on stroke and diabetes, how to add music to an audio post, the world news, the local news, the weather in my neighborhood, Hawaii (where my parents and sister are vacationing) and Denver, where my friends are having a birthday party for thier daughter.

not to mention cruising around looking at Half Nekkid Thursday pictures.

I admit, I'm just as much a dirty voyeur as the rest of the people who post thier half nekkid goodies on the internet. So while I was cruising the blog waves, I came across this guy. Now don't click it if you don't want to see what rhymes with "click" - but I tell you, you want to see it. Call it my gift to you. After I scrolled away from that picture, I found this interesting video clip about internet porn.

GOOD Magazine: Internet Porn Transparency


Now I don't pretend that I am against or SHOCKED by internet porn. ya know? I mean, lets be serious. I'm 35 years old, I live alone, I have no steady 'man' in my life and an arsenal of toys. Of course I like porn. I even had favorite 'actresses'. Back when I first watched porn, Barbara Dare was my favorite. That crazy 80's heavy metal hair and the fact that she didn't look like she was 16 made it more convincing. I think porn was a little different in the early 90's than it is today. The women all look borderline legal in the porn movies now. You are almost afraid to watch. almost. Jenna Jameson was really a master of her craft. She made fake orgasms look good. That girl had talent.

I find it interesting that most port searches are done during work hours. You can risk having your secretary walk in to your office and see that you are browsing hotsluttyshavencheerleaders.com, but by all means, don't let your WIFE catch you!!! I don't look for internet porn during work hours. Absolultely not.

The hospital blocks all the good porn sites.

bastards.

and no- I have never been to adultfriendfinder.com. When I get that desperate, you have my permission to shoot me.

Walking the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine...

The e-husband is coming to town, most likely to go back to the hospital- but I'm not sure. If he can get his blood sugar to come down, then there is really no need for it- so we'll see. But I have a few days off so I don't really mind him being here.

What I do mind, is the compulsion to make everything about him. It will be a struggle for me to not focus my every thought about him and his problems. I have agreed to get involved, and advocate for him and his care. I found him a new doctor, I got a good referral and I name dropped. If he gets seen in my hospital, I will do all that I can to make sure that he gets seen and all things are addressed. But my god, I do NOT want everything in my life to be about his health and his problems. I have plans this weekend. Potty training, house cleaning. I'm having dinner with the siblings tonight. Those plans are not changing.

I see already- what happens to me when I'm with him too much. I feel myself start to disappear. I have to refuse- vehemently- to let that happen. I know why I pulled away so hard, and why I stopped caring. I could not balance it. I had to be in it, or out of it. I need to walk the line.



I have to be compassionate, not controlling. Supportive, not obsessed. I'm his wife. Not his caregiver. So many of our problems, and my unhappiness stemmed from my inability to let go and NOT turn myself inside out to fix him. This is from an old post I wrote in September:

==
What in the world of FUCK happens now.

I can hear the voices of my well meaning friends, saying, "It's not your problem." "Let him sink." "Let him suffer." And part of me also realizes that they are true and accurate and not BAD advice. However. How do I do that??

This is where my struggle is today. One thing that I admit is that I have always had trouble with boundaries. With Michael, and really with a lot of people. I rarely put my foot down and say, "You can't treat me like this." My reaction is always to figure out why I had it coming and respond accordingly. If I feel I am being treated badly, I have a hard time pointing it out. It's an issue that I have. Perhaps that is the byproduct of being the youngest- having parents that were hot and cold emotionally- absent/dead father figures etc. Who the hell knows?? But somewhere along the lines, I adopted the thought pattern that if someone is treating me bad, I probably did something to deserve it. And besides, I'm strong and I can handle whatever comes my way- right??

So what is coming my way is the fact that I have set a boundary- and have simply been praying that I would not have to follow through with the consequences that I have set up.

I WANT to help him.
I WANT to make sure he is ok.
I WANT him to get better.
I WANT him to live.

But I also know that I can't. I can't help him anymore. It's time for him to grow up and pay some consequesnces. But how do I live with them? My mother is very hesitant to support my decision to throw him out. She went through this similar scenario. She left my dad- he was sick. He died. She felt guilt. Not that she killed him. But that she left him when he was sick. That she didn't help him. That he died alone. A L O N E. He had family too- but in the end, he died in the hospital- without anyone even in the waiting room for him to get out of surgery.

A
L
O
N
E

And she does not want me to have to live with the guilt that she went through. The guilt that I'm sure we kids unknowingly put upon her. And honestly, I don't want to live with that guilt either. I know that I will get past it. I will work through whatever guilty feelings I may have about what transpires over the next months. But I will still have to get past them.
Turning my back on him when it is clearly within my power to help, is something that I simply don't know how to do. I am terrified that he is going to kill himself. That he is going to get sick and die alone. That he is going to go back to drug, drinking, whatever. I am terrified that it truly CAN and will get worse. And all I had to do to stop it was just keep things as they are.

I know- I know. I FUCKING KNOW!! I can't do that. I can't live like this. I can't put my kids through this. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to these little boys to sit back and watch thier father give up. I know that forcing him out is the right thing to do. It's what we all need. And really, it's what I want. But fuck- when has it EVER been about what I want.

With all the resentment I can stand, I have proclaimed for years, "It's all about Michael! Everything is about Michael- I should have it tatooed on my freaking forehead." But you know- it IS. It always has been. It's never been about what I want or what I need. And I know that it's time that I change that. I need to. and I have to.
==

Walk the line, girl. Remember yourself. Remember who you are- and all you have fought to accomplish. Help him, do not try to save him. It is not your responsibility to save his life.

Walk the line. I can do this.

Thank you, Professor SoHotICan'tThinkStraight!!

I got my grades today. All B's bitches!!! I was really worried about my Finance final. I sat down to take the test and fucking blanked out. I needed a 72 to get a B in the class, but I had resigned myself to a C because I froze on the final. Partially because I can understand Finance when I am looking at it- and it's being explained to me. But when I have to recall the information, it stops making sense.

It's like getting a gym membership. It seems logical at the time, but then later, I think to myself, what was I thinking??

And partially because I have serious girl wood for my professor, Dr. IBetYouSpank. And he was not wearing his usually suit and tie, but a black T-shirt that I thought he looked too good for me to fully concentrate on Cost Allocation. Perhaps I'm crazy for it, but he's too much my type- except he's gainfully employed, educated and brilliant.

But even with those boundaries, my fantastic brain still pulled off some mad finance skills to get an 86. Someday I'm going to be so Hot and Smart that somebody ELSE won't be able to think straight. So I must thank Dr. BeMyDirtyDaddy because if it were not for him, I may not have shown up to class at all.

Got wheat??

I think the e-husband has celiac disease. Of course I'm not a doctor, but he displays almost all the symptoms. If he can eliminate wheat and all that from is diet, there is a chance that he could actually feel a little better. He could get tested at the doctor, or he could try to go gluten free for a few weeks and see what happens. Then go to the doctor and get tested, perhaps a biopsy of his small intestines.

Symptoms of celiac disease may include one or more of the following:

• recurring abdominal bloating and pain
• chronic diarrhea
• weight loss
• pale, foul-smelling stool
• unexplained anemia (low count of red blood cells)
• gas
• bone pain
• behavior changes
• muscle cramps
• fatigue
• delayed growth
• failure to thrive in infants
• pain in the joints
• seizures
• tingling numbness in the legs (from nerve damage)
• pale sores inside the mouth, called aphthus ulcers
• painful skin rash, called dermatitis herpetiformis
• tooth discoloration or loss of enamel
• reproductive issues (miscarriages, infertility)
• missed menstrual periods (often because of excessive weight loss)

from the NFCA

I am encouraged and really hoping that he is willing to at least try it. He is not convinced that it will help him feel better and I hope he at least tries it got a few weeks. He has a lot of these symptoms, most of them really- but they have all been attributed to the diabetes even though they are not classic diabetes symptoms, but nerve damage covers a multitude of sins. I am thinking that I would like to go gluten free too- it would be the fastest way to cut the crap out of my diet. I am told that for people who are not intolerant, we need the glutens, so maybe I will cut back considerably. Maybe I can drop some pounds. I have read that it may also help Alex with the ADHD.

I just have to find Gluten Free chicken nuggets.

Perhaps cutting back will be a better choice for the kids.

This weekend is potty training. I started with Danny a while back, but he was screaming so much I knew it was not worth it. He does it at school sometimes, so he knows, he just won't do it. So this weekend I'm going to buckle down and get it going!! Jaws has been working on her Beasties and her oldest used the potty three times yesterday!!!! I have four days off again, so I can focus on it.

Boys do it, Girls do it.
Big kids all around the world do it.
You'll do it,
you'll use the potty!!

Is it Thursday already???

So first things first...

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!



Soooo that's out of the way.

I want to blog daily, but some days I have nothing to add. You don't want me here rambling like a freakin idiot do ya?? I got nothin today, but feel free to check out my rack again. :)


Have a great Thursday, get Half Nekkid!!!

Moment in the sun

The sun was coming right down on my skin. Gabe was playing in the pool in front of me, running across the backyard and cannonballing into the foot of water in the little pool. Danny was drawing with chalk between wading in the pool. A cool breeze came through the canyon and cooled the sun off my skin. I laid back on the lounge chair and turned on my ipod.

It was like a scene from a movie or a book. I was feeling calm and quiet. The heat of the sun poured through my skin and I stopped to feel it on my face. Life seemed peaceful for the moment and I let myself start to think about the days past.

Heavy conversations replayed in my mind. Advance directive. Hospice Care. Cremation. My calm and diplomatic demeanor as I gave my logical opinions and understanding. Detached and sensible, I promised to make sure his wishes were followed through, no matter what. We both know that it's coming, eventually. Maybe 10 years, maybe 5 years, maybe 1. I was strong through the conversations, holding his hand and pretending to be unmoved by the conversation that I never thought I'd have at 35.

Prince sang in my ears and I watched the boys play- wondering how much they would remember of their father. Knowing that I remember so little of my own. Knowing that it would be up to me to tell them stories of their dad. Happy stories of good times we spent. Inside jokes and how we fell in love.

I only wanted to see you laughing in the Purple Rain.

The song ended, just as I realized that I had never really heard it before.

I wondered if he ever spent a happy day with me. If he ever loved me as much as I once loved him. If he would ever know that there was a time I would have given my life just to see him free from the demons that plagued him. I would have sacrificed my fucking soul to free him from the demon alcohol, and the god damn monsters that followed. everything. every-fucking-thing.

It was never enough, I told myself, in the silence between songs. Everything I had to give was never enough to save him, or any of us. I closed my eyes and drifted away- feeling the sun burn my skin before the cool breeze would come to blow it away.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

We all have moments of weakness. Times when our walls simply cannot hold back what is behind them. It's hard to accept that love is not enough. That it never was enough. I watched as both boys played in the pool. Knowing that the same sun was beating down on their tender flesh- their skin was still new to the heat it would withstand in the upcoming years. And while a cool breeze would blow the heat away, it may still be hotter to them, than it was to me.

The trees blew in front of me and I watched Gabe shiver from it, but for the moment I felt nothing but the scorching sun. No cool breeze to soothe my burning skin. No wind to carry away my memories. Only the tears as they rolled down my cheeks.

Space Invaded

or Trapped in Temecula

I'm not exactly sure if I'm having a good weekend or not. It's not BAD. I'm staying in a really nice house. Cable TV, internet, and so much food I can't even decide what I want to eat. The inlaws are in Laughlin, and the e-husband and I are staying in our neutral corners and the kids are pretty well behaved. I guess if I were at home, I'd be cleaning house. We haven't made it to the lake- but I think trying to take them alone might be an exercise in futility, besides, the kids are having a blast playing in the little pool that grandpa bought for them. I set up the pool and spray them down with the hose, while I manage to soak up some sun as well. Workin on that 'base tan.'

I remember when I was younger, maybe 13- I would spend the afternoon laying out in our backyard. I'd set up a lawn chair recliner and my radio and some iced tea and I'd lay out in the sun, listening to The Countdown, American Top 40- covered in Tropical suntan oil. Not an ounce of sunblock, just oil. I remember that it was boring as hell, just laying there, but I wanted to tan. I still find laying out to be kind of boring. When I'm hanging out, talking, drinking or reading, it's fine because I'm doing something. But I never understood just laying there for hours and hours. I think I would be thinking of all the other things I should be doing.

Which is why I enjoy being here. Because while I'm not doing anything- if I was at home, I would not be able to not do anything. As it is, I have a mental list of the things I need to do when I get home. But that's not until tomorrow.

For now, I will just invade his space and enjoy the loaded fridge!! This is closest I have to a vacation, so I will enjoy what I can!!

Half Nekkid Scrubs

The problem with scrub tops with buttons is that they don't stay closed. At least not for me. I usually secure it with a safety pin.

My, what beautiful arteries you have!!

Today was the Stroke Awareness day in the hospital. By all accounts, I must say that it was a HUGE success. Our target attendance was 300. We decided we would be happy if there were 200.

We had 520.

FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY PEOPLE came down to our humble little Stroke Awareness event and we (our team of wonderful nurses who volunteered thier entire day to do this) educated 520 people about the signs and symptoms and risk factors for stroke. We had blood pressure and blood sugar checks as well as Carotid Ultrasounds (all free). So all day I walked around and talked to people and asked them, "Did you get your screenings? How are your arteries?" And the tech who does the screenings for us, this gorgeous boy, is so sweet and kind of flirty. He was telling these 50 year old veteran nurses that they have the arteries of a 21 year old, and they come out of the screening area blushing and going on about their beautiful arteries. Personally I think the opportunity to get behind the privacy screen with him was the main reason most of us bothered.

We did identify at least 5 people with diabetes (meaning that thier blood sugar was above 200) so they will hopefully be following up with their physicians too- and you know, if we helped to avoid a stroke or even some other diabetes related complication in these three people, then the day was totally worth it. There is something so rewarding about this type of community education. For all the hard work, and the fact that my feet are so sore I can hardly walk, today was, without a doubt, my best day at work at any job I've ever had. This kind of thing is why I took this job and why I want to work in health care- even if I'm not a nurse. We reached people and educated them, 500+ of them, and I was so proud of how well it turned out. I coordinated the majority of the entire event and there were NO snags. It could not have worked out better and I am so so SO proud of myself for what we did today.

At least five peoples lives were changed today. At even though diabetes is not exactly good news, catching it, before it catches you- certainly is. I hear or see these big events when people say, "if I help just ONE person, it's worth it" and I think, those are not very good statistics. But I think those five people are grateful and it was worth it to help them.

I'm exhausted now, and I could sleep for a week, but I have to finish this paper. My finance final is just going to be a casualty. Studying would just be a waste of precious sleep time.....

I'm going off the rails...

God damn- Ozzy Osbourne is performing on Jimmy Kimmel. Damn, he still fucking rocks!!!

I am taking a break from studying and then I'm going to cram for one more hour. I've got two more days of studying but I needed a quick pick me up cause the soda and two cups of coffee were not quite cutting it.

So I had myself a quickie, and now I'm ready for more... studying that is.

Have I mentioned that May is Stroke Awareness Month?? I'm sure I did. I'm sure I've mentioned the signs and symptoms of stroke- and what you should do when you think you're having a stroke right?? Facial Droop, Arm or Leg Weakness, Sudden trouble speaking or understanding... call 911. Right- we covered that?? ok. good. just so you know. Just so I've done my part to educate blogland on the #1 cause of disability. but you know that right??

So today I got a bit of bad news. Really it wasn't bad news for me, but bad news for my brother, and really it was just unfortunate news for him- nothing that really changes his life. Someone he cares about is in trouble, and he knows he can't help her- even though he wants to. It's all very co-dependent and if anyone knows co-dee, it's me!!! So at one point in this evening, I got very angry at the boys. Of course at the moment, I cannot recall why- but I know that was very frustrated. So I stopped for a moment and thought- ok, what can I do to calm down? So I reached out, just like learned so long ago in program. I called my brother to see how he was doing. I told him that I was thinking of him, and wanted to see how she was doing, and how HE was feeling. Regardless of if problems are or are not ours to solve, we still care. I know that many of the sibs and certainly not my mother do not always understand the thought process of the co-dependent person. It simply is not so easy to just accept that it's not my problem, and feel nothing. We feel what we feel, you can't tell us how to feel- as long as we don't DO anything, turn ourselves inside out to try to FIX things. Sometimes we still try to fix, but nobody is perfect. But anyway, I reached out to my emotionally stunted brother and told him that I was sorry, and that I understand how hard this must be for him to feel helpless. I think he was glad that I called, and glad that I did not tell him what he should do.

I have learned to despise being told what I SHOULD do, what I SHOULD think, what I SHOULD feel, or how I SHOULD react. It's taken me a long time to be able to do, think, feel and react without being afraid of how it will affect someone else. Don't should on me.

so you better treat her right,,,

I'm in the middle of midterms and of course this week is Neuroscience Nurses Week AND the week of the Stroke Awareness Day in the hospital that I have so bravely taken on the responsibility of coordinating like super women. Yeah, the things that will determine my education and my career- all in the same week. wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

I am working on balancing a little at a time. For instance I worked on my Marketing final for half the day, worked on my 8 page Quality Improvement Paper this evening, and tomorrow I will add Finance to that mix- dabbling in that a bit, until Wednesday night. Wednesday the paper is due and my Marketing Exam, as well as the Stroke Awareness Day- so that means I can spend all Wednesday night and Thursday studying for my 5PM Finance exam.

Friday, I rest. And Saturday I take the boys and we spend a few days with the e-husband at his parents place by the lake. Ahhh, three to four days of three OTHER adults watching the boys and I am there merely to supervise and as backup. I have been told that I can nap, write, or even visit friends that live in the area. If the weather is nice, we will actually go in the lake, but there's also a pool, a park, and a mini-golf course nearby. It's almost like a vacation- but one that I don't have to pay for. I am looking forward to it like you would not believe. I may even get a haircut. I plan to watch movies, nap, write and maybe start some potty training stuff, so that the following weekend (which I have also arranged as a 4 day weekend) I can get Daniel potty trained. I find this to be so challenging, and Daniel for all of his cuteness, is really a little trouble maker. Behind that cute little smile is the makings of a jewel thief. (I still think his middle name should have been "Ocean"- I should have been braver cause that is what I really wanted.)

Speaking of being braver, I managed to get out of that Biggest Loser Competition. I admit that I did not want to do it and I felt guilted into doing it. But I said I would and I had every intention to go along with the team that we put together. On thursday one of that gals seemed like she didn't want to do it. When she realized she would have to come in on her day off to weigh in, she decided against it. So I told the other girl, as I was leaving, "If you find someone else to be on our team, then we can all go in tomorrow to weigh in. Let me know, leave me a note of something if you find a third person." When I came in on Friday, there was no note- so I got out of it. I planned to be brave and stick it out if I had to- but I am relieved that I don't have to. Next time I will simply smile and say. "Maybe I am allergic to exercise and eating right but perhaps you need to go on the "Shut the fuck up" diet, cause that would benefit us both.

How did I get into this big fat mess??

So I joined a team for this Biggest Loser thing at work. Three people to a team and the most percentage of weight loss to total body weight wins. $25 per person. I am not sure why I joined, I think I felt a little bit of pressure. My boss was very excited about doing it and asked me but I originally declined. I tend to feel too much pressure praying or dieting in groups. After a few (more than one) comments being made about me being allergic to exercise and eating healthy, I was both mortified, angry and hurt. I don't know what made me decide to do it- but I suspect it was Guilt and and her twatty sister Shame.

So I have to figure out a way to change my outlook on this otherwise it will totally backfire and I will just gain weight.

On a much gloomier note, the e-husband is being released from the hospital today and he's about as cheerful as a deer at a gun rally. He's only staying until tomorrow morning- and I had plans tonight- so much for that. sheesh...

I promise I will have a more cheerful post soon.

the sweetest of emotion

I think, that sometimes in the midst of the busy day, the diaper changing and AWA (ass wiping assistance) and cleaning up toys, making sandwhiches and the list goes on.... I sometimes get busy and forget to appreciate the amazement that is my children. The way they laugh and learn and can truly be enthralled with the simplest of things. Sometimes, it simply takes someone ELSES child to remind me. These were in my mail box this morning.







This is the newest member of my our family, I guess he's my second cousin, although I'll be his aunt.... it's a Dutch thing. Anyway- just seeing these pictures reminds me of my own kids when they were that age. Sweet and curious and (despite the last picture which I could not resist) the most loving creatures on the planet.

OH baby!!!!

Sell crazy somewhere else...

We're all stocked up here.

Ok so I'm officially back on my meds. I was really wondering if I REALLY needed them and when I needed them.

After almost a week, I found that during my work day, I am generally fine. I don't feel anxious during the day when things are normal. I can sit in traffic and feel the same amount of anxiety that I think everyone gets, but then again, my commute is short and I don't usually hit traffic. Yes, my temper is a bit shorter-and I think my brain moves a bit faster that usual- but it's not unmanageable and I'm aware of it.

I do, however find that when I am sitting in class, or in a meeting, where I have to sit and be quiet, listen to people lecture and sometimes drone on- I feel my blood temp start to rise, and I find myself sometimes even breaking out in a sweat. During all 4 of my classes last week, I had to leave the class and walk around outside for a minute, Deep breaths and all that.

Last night was 8 full days. I did refill the scrip but I had not taken one yet.

Last night before I went to bed, I was feeling very anxious, for no apparent reason at all. I wanted to stay up and watch Molly Shannon on SNL but I was tired, and both of these scenarios were causing me a lot of discomfort, oddly enough. I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but I still felt like I needed to get up and run somewhere. When I did crawl into bed I was paranoid and could not stop my brain. I'm not even sure why. I did eventually drift off to sleep, but I woke up about an hour later- my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was in a cold sweat. I am not sure what happened, but I actually woke up in the middle of panic attack, which is new, even for me.
So I got up, took a Xanax and about 30 minutes later fell asleep until this morning.

I took my regular pill again first thing this morning, and I have to accept that I need daily medication to keep my brain from convincing me that pulling my hair out, and cutting my skin is a GOOD idea.

Go figure.

Half Nekkid Hot Mama

Soo much cuteness.



I couldn't decide which one I liked better.



Danny decided to get Half Nekkid with me. He likes to get in front of the camera more than Gabe does.

My oldest son is coming home next month and staying home for good. I bought the plane ticket yesterday. He's been gone for almost a year now, living with his dad. It just didn't work out as planned. A year ago, the best thing for him was to go. Now, the best thing for him is to come back. Yes, without a husband in the house, taking care of 3 very active boys is going to be hard- but, I think if I give Alex some responsibilities and reward him for it- he will be a great help to me. Also, lately I have just been feeling like my whole family is displaced, and it just doesn't feel right. It will be so good to have all the boys in the house again- safe, and where they belong.

I blogged about him leaving here. And a few posts before it as well. I can't wait for him to come back home. I have not told my mother, I am going to surprise her by just have Alex knock on her door. She's not expecting him until August so it's going to be a great surprise for her. Hopefully it will be a big enough surprise that she forgives me for ever letting him go in the first place!!

Well, happy half nekkid thursday!! Happy Mothers Day!!

TMI Tuesday #82

1. What sight, sound, smell, object or whatever most remind you of a special someone?
There's always something that reminds me of someone, but it's usually music. Probably from all those years working in a record store. I think more often, a person reminds me of a song, not the other way around.

2. Favourite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?
I love guys with thick wrists, and nice hands.

3. Do you prefer to give or receive?
I'm a giver... :)

4. One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?
I think I'd get the hell out.

5. What is the strangest place you've had sex?
*Golden Eagle Cafe in Long Beach. We were having coffee out on the patio while they were cleaning and closing up and they said that they were leaving, but we were free to stay on the patio and hang out. We sort of exchanged looks, thinking, did that just happen?? But we were there alone, on a restaurant patio- so he laid down his jacket and we did it on the table.
*Alternate Answer- Wyoming.

Bonus (as in optional): How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who was it to? Describe the event.
I was 16. Jason K. We were in his car behind Music Plus. Which is REALLY kind of ironic because "guys I met at record stores" are the largest demographic of men I've had sex with. The event was so long ago that I hardly remember it, I just remember that I didn't realize that it was actually 'in.' Which I really don't think it WAS, because the next time we tried to do it- it hurt like hell. I have had WAY too much sex in cars- but I have a special fondness for backseats.

What I learned from Spiderman 3

Dark and angry boys are hot.

also....

People should not be allowed to bring little kids to the movies. I'm sorry, I HAVE kids so I think it's ok for me to have this opinion. When you are watching kids movies like Sponge Bob or movies where animals talk, then you expect kids. Children crying, and running around.

Just because Spiderman is a cartoon character, does not mean that 6 year olds should see it in the movies.

Fritz the Cat is a cartoon character too.

We sat next to a stroller with a newborn baby. Maybe two months old. Luckily the baby slept through most of the movie, and when she work up, mom was quick to nurse her, and then she fell back asleep. That was the ONLY parent with a child in the theater who didn't make a sound. God love her.

The parents of the other 10 kids that were there, were jerks. A two year old got scared when the movie got loud. A 5 year old was running back and forth in the isles. Some child who was sitting as close to the center of the theater as possible started crying about 20 minutes to the end, and didn't stop.

Kids should not be expected to sit quietly through a 2 hour and 20 minute movie. Or any movie where there is no Sponge-man, or talking animal, so hearing the parent trying to quiet the child who is fucking terrified of the evil man on the 20 foot screen, only makes everyone despise you more. So, if you HAVE to be that kind of a jerk who can't get a sitter but insists on seeing a movie that a child should not be at, then at least remove the child when she starts to cry and doesn't stop.

I beg of you.

If it wasn't for dark and angry boys, I may have had a bad experience.

Too late for "TMI Tuesday"

I know it's Thursday, but I'm in class and I'm kinda lost. Between the lack of a calculator and the teacher that I love to look at and listen to cause he's so smart it makes my toes curl... it's amazing I have learned a thing... so here's my TMI Tuesday, on Thursday.

1. Ideal amount of sex per week?
I think two or three times a week would be sufficient. But really it's not a matter of want or don't want, it's about availability. Like cake.
There's cake- want cake?
Sure. I could go for some cake.
(scenario change)
We've got some time, wanna fuck?
Sure. I could go for some sex right now.

2. Ever had an online affair?
Yes. Sometimes they are better than the real ones.

3. Are you a member of the mile high club?
No. I don't like to fly, but when I do I'm drunk enough that you won't have to work too hard to convince me.

4. Are you predjudice against any particular group of people?
Not really. I don't prefer psych majors.

5. What constitutes bad sex?
Guys who are over confident that they are the BEST lovers ever. I don't mind inexperience or even some nervousness. But just don't be an asshole.

Bonus (as in optional): Can females ejaculate?
Apparently, but I am not in that club either.

The end of a long road ahead.

Finals start in a few weeks. I have been busting my ass to catch up since mid terms, so I can focus on finals. Work is getting crazy too.

May is stroke Awareness Month so I have posters and flyers that I should have gotten up already. I'm working my fingers to the damn bone, but really loving it.

Yesterday I worked from 6:30 to 6:30 and went to school. This Half Nekkid Thursday pic was taken at the end of a LONG day....



Once finals are done, I'll officially be a senior in college. I can see the end of the tunnel.

Damn, I have not seen the end of a tunnel in a long time.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

Pour me a drink, and I'll tell you some lies.

I downloaded some old wounds from iTunes last night. I'm not sure what made me do it. I have an iTunes credit, so I feel like I HAVE to use it.

It's funny how some times a song can reach right into your depths of your soul and pull well stuffed pain right to the surface, exposed barbs and all. That's what Neil Diamond does to me. His voice reverberates through my skin and literally pulls my guts out.

It's not about the guy... I have well come to terms with Trever and all the bullshit. I understand what happened, how it happened, why it happened and all that. I learned from it. I moved on. It's not the agony of having lost him. It's not the painful memories of an overwhelming, somewhat psychotic, dark and tawdry affair when I was far too young to understand the damage that I could do, but old enough to recognize that a man is, at the core, just a man. When someone like me comes at him with all she's got, he rarely stood a chance against me. It's not the embarrassing admission that I was lost, obsessed, needy and morally flexible. It's not even about regret I eventually felt for hurting all the people I hurt.

It's just the memory of the pain that comes back to ache when I let it.

















It's like when you have a leg amputated. It still itches. It still aches. Even though it's not there. You can't get rid of what isn't there. You just have to feel it until it goes away. I can't even remember what Trever looks like. I just remember the pain. Trever is my amputated leg.

So I will sit and listen to Neil. It will pass. It always does.

The story of my life
Begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the story's still the truth

Tear your heart out Tuesday

Jealousy is a dirty little bitch.

The e-husband is in bed with her lately, plotting to fuck up my life. Now we've been "e-stranged" for a long time. Living apart for 7 months, but you know- it's been a LONG time that things have been real bad. The beginning of the end started so long ago I don't even remember.

But with the actual separation, it leaves us technically free to explore the options. Lately I've met a few people online that I have been interested in meeting, but have not done so for one reason or another. He knows there has been vague interest for me, in getting out there, but he seems to want to ignore it. He has maintained that he is not interested in it.

Until today.

He said that the nurse came by again last night. Brought him dinner. Not even HIS nurse. And they have aids that do that. So this gal hijacked his dinner and brought it to him. I thought it was cute, I joked some more about getting her number. I was curious at this point. Wondering what kind of girl does that kind of thing. Judging her, I admit it.

He told me this afternoon that she came by again today. When he met her, she was a student, and they were practicing so she had shaved him. I remember when this happened. He told me that when she came in today, he was shaving and she flirtatiously offered to do it for him and he said ok. He was kind of flustered, but he enjoyed it.

Yeah, I about went thru the roof.

"What kind of slutty nurse SHAVES a patient that is not even HER fucking patient. How COMPLETELY inappropriate and you know, I KNOW people at that hospital so someone is going to fucking hear about this."

EH- "Wow- I didn't think you would be this upset."

ME- "Well Jesus. Why doesn't she just fuck you and get it over with?? There's an empty bed right there!! What is that cunts name again?"

EH- "Honey... I'm fucking with you."

ME- "WHAT?"

EH- "That didn't happen. She came by and said hello. That was all. I just wanted to know how you really felt about it."


fuuuuuuuuuck......

I didn't even know I felt that way.

Well played Mike, well played.

dirty little bitch....