yeah, That's riight
west coast, west coast
uh, California Love
California Love
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
uh, yeah, uh, longbeach in tha house
I got out of the house today for a few hours. Me and the two young beasties went to the Long Beach Marina. My thought was to go to the aquarium but the Grand Prix is in town and there's just no telling that the traffic will be like. We went to the Marina for a bit to look at the boats and walk about.
yeah, That's riight
west coast, west coast
uh, California Love
California Love
yeah, That's riight
west coast, west coast
uh, California Love
California Love
In the thirties!!!
Can you see that I am now in my thirties on my counter thing up there. Thirty nine days till graduation!! Woo hoo!!!
Can you understand why I feel like this video?? Flipped and spun and totally awesome!!
Can you understand why I feel like this video?? Flipped and spun and totally awesome!!
When you die, nothing happens...
I don't usually get into too much talk about religion, but lately it has been somewhat on my mind. I met a guy who is an athiest. I had to look up the difference between athiest and agnostic. I think I'd prefer to say I was agnostic, claiming that I could not confirm not deny the existence of God. You know, walk the fence, so you're covered. I think it's an interesting comment to state that you are an athiest. I tried to delve a little deeper and ask if he had ever looked, you know, for a higher power. Did research, read books, something... anything. It just seems like before you decided that there was no God, you would go ahead and make sure. He said that they never really looked for it, and that it was childish and irrational.
I decided then and there to stop the conversation because it was clear he did not want to talk about it. I don't think that looking for the existence of a high power is not childish OR irrational, but I took it as a sign of, I don't want to talk about it. Perhaps lots of bad things have happened to make him think there is no God.
While I don't consider myself a religious person, I am spiritual to a sense. I do believe in God and I guess I simply don't get too much deeper into the meaning of that- because it's too much to wrap my head around. Perhaps it is albeit on a much larger scale, the same way that children believe in Santa. They are told about it. It makes them feel good, and they wake up and there is proof of him in the form of presents, eaten cookies, and such. My belief in God is probably very different than the next person. God, as I understand him. (Spoken like a true 12-stepper.)
Yesterday in the hospital I heard someone saying, "I think the doctors don't know what they are doing. God didn't create sickness, and if I believe in God, then that means I don't believe in what the doctor said cause it's not from God."
Yeah.... I was following her for a the first 5 or six words, and then I just wanted to say, "Hi... excuse me. You DO know that you are on the oncology floor right?" No, God did not create cancer- but he also did not create the automobile, or smog, or cheesecake (although that is debatable). I did not bother to respond to her comment, or the fact that someone was listening intently and shaking his head in agreement.
God, as I was told, created the heavens and the earth. Adam and Eve. I think the rest was up to us. That includes sickness, cancer, and cheesecake.
Do I believe that God has a plan for me? I sure hope so. Sometimes I think He intervenes, simply by a tap on my shoulder, sometimes a nagging feeling that I should make a phone call, or just in the way that I can be occasionally compassionate to the e-husband after everything that has befallen us. Sometimes I think he sits back and watches me spin my wheels. I don't thinks I'm supposed to know what the plan is, I think that spoils His fun.
It's ok that my friend does not believe in God. I do, and I think He will watch over my friend, regardless of he believes in Him or not.
I decided then and there to stop the conversation because it was clear he did not want to talk about it. I don't think that looking for the existence of a high power is not childish OR irrational, but I took it as a sign of, I don't want to talk about it. Perhaps lots of bad things have happened to make him think there is no God.
While I don't consider myself a religious person, I am spiritual to a sense. I do believe in God and I guess I simply don't get too much deeper into the meaning of that- because it's too much to wrap my head around. Perhaps it is albeit on a much larger scale, the same way that children believe in Santa. They are told about it. It makes them feel good, and they wake up and there is proof of him in the form of presents, eaten cookies, and such. My belief in God is probably very different than the next person. God, as I understand him. (Spoken like a true 12-stepper.)
Yesterday in the hospital I heard someone saying, "I think the doctors don't know what they are doing. God didn't create sickness, and if I believe in God, then that means I don't believe in what the doctor said cause it's not from God."
Yeah.... I was following her for a the first 5 or six words, and then I just wanted to say, "Hi... excuse me. You DO know that you are on the oncology floor right?" No, God did not create cancer- but he also did not create the automobile, or smog, or cheesecake (although that is debatable). I did not bother to respond to her comment, or the fact that someone was listening intently and shaking his head in agreement.
God, as I was told, created the heavens and the earth. Adam and Eve. I think the rest was up to us. That includes sickness, cancer, and cheesecake.
Do I believe that God has a plan for me? I sure hope so. Sometimes I think He intervenes, simply by a tap on my shoulder, sometimes a nagging feeling that I should make a phone call, or just in the way that I can be occasionally compassionate to the e-husband after everything that has befallen us. Sometimes I think he sits back and watches me spin my wheels. I don't thinks I'm supposed to know what the plan is, I think that spoils His fun.
It's ok that my friend does not believe in God. I do, and I think He will watch over my friend, regardless of he believes in Him or not.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
restless
The e-husband checked into the hospital today. A few days on IV fluids and he will be back to his normal usually unwell self. I don't know what the reason for the sudden burst of 'feeling good' was about. I foolishly thought it was the ginseng tea, but maybe it was just an overdose of pain meds, or good luck. Either way, it didn't last. I called him today and he didn't want to talk. sigh...
I don't want to whine about it, cause I am sort of back to the emotionally closed off, Julie, who is wondering if I should have ASKED him what was going on the past few days and if he needed any help. I'm also thinking that it will be nice to have a few days on my own here.
This blog is getting old, I've decided. After graduation, I think I'm going to tank it. I can use my myspace blog for the every day stuff, and utilize the blog that people actually READ for my daily rantings. I don't know, I need a change and I'm not getting a hair cut. Thbse of you who come around only for HNT are probably not reading this ANYWAY- so you won't know the difference. The ones that read me on a regular basis are not my "adult" readers and are all on myspace. So I can eliminate this blog pretty easily. But I think I will hang on to the URL, cause I like it.
I don't want to whine about it, cause I am sort of back to the emotionally closed off, Julie, who is wondering if I should have ASKED him what was going on the past few days and if he needed any help. I'm also thinking that it will be nice to have a few days on my own here.
This blog is getting old, I've decided. After graduation, I think I'm going to tank it. I can use my myspace blog for the every day stuff, and utilize the blog that people actually READ for my daily rantings. I don't know, I need a change and I'm not getting a hair cut. Thbse of you who come around only for HNT are probably not reading this ANYWAY- so you won't know the difference. The ones that read me on a regular basis are not my "adult" readers and are all on myspace. So I can eliminate this blog pretty easily. But I think I will hang on to the URL, cause I like it.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
10 days- HNT
The e-husband snapped a few pics over the weekend. He was feeling pretty good for about 10 days. It's over now, and he's sick again, back in bed. sigh. I never realize how much I miss having a him around until he is good for a brief spell and then he's gone again. The first few days are hard. Every things just feels harder and I feel more lonely than usual. I take advantage of the days when I have them though and wait patiently for them to return.
Happy HNT. Here's hoping you have at least 10 good days with one you love. By the way, he did come over after this picture and grab onto what you see in the click-thru.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
family matters
First, Friday was fantastic. The review went really great and while we won't have the official letter for 4-6 weeks, we did pass it and we are a certified stroke center. Kick ass. The surveyor told us that we had a great program and it was fantastic for me to know that I am a part of something good.
--
The saga regarding my brother in law who passed has gotten worse. My neice and nephew are in foster care. My sister in law is in trouble again, and the kids were going to school unkempt and dirty. DSS stepped in and the kids were taken into thier custody. The boy (age 9) is currently with an aunt, and the girl (age 6) has been processed and is with a foster family. I don't know what can be done. I am going to make a call and find out what might be necessary to have her stay with us. I cannot stand to think of that sweet girl in foster care. The boy has some mental issues that I know even his aunt is unable to deal with. I am told that his counselor is going to be taking temporary custody of him. It's a fucking nightmare, I tell you, and at the very least we are going to get some visitations so she can come and visit us and her cousins and the people who love her. I am SO angry at my SIL, but I also understand that drugs DO this to people. It's tragic and sad and infuriating. It's also such a nasty disease, because not a single person in thier right mind would do the things that she has done to cause this to happen to her children.
I am not sure what we could get temporary custody of her because I don't have the room for her. I have a two bedroom apartment and all boys in it. I don't know what the criteria is but I am going to find out. I have to at least try. I would do it for any of my neices or nephews and while I know it sounds insane to even consider for a second taking on another child, I have to at least find out what I can do for her, even if it's just picking her up a few times a week and taking her to the park with the boys. She's just a little girl, a beautiful sweet six year old girl who does not deserve to have the spirit taken away from her like this. Her father just died, he brother attacked her the night it happened, and now her mother is 'out there' and she has been taken away from her too. Perhaps if she is placed with a good and loving family... she will have a better life that she might have otherwise. I have heard of people who have had good foster care experiences. I'm sure that there are lots of good stories. Lots of good people who want to take care of children. I pray that Maddie is with one of those families.
If you have any information on DSS and any of this- please share it with me.
--
The saga regarding my brother in law who passed has gotten worse. My neice and nephew are in foster care. My sister in law is in trouble again, and the kids were going to school unkempt and dirty. DSS stepped in and the kids were taken into thier custody. The boy (age 9) is currently with an aunt, and the girl (age 6) has been processed and is with a foster family. I don't know what can be done. I am going to make a call and find out what might be necessary to have her stay with us. I cannot stand to think of that sweet girl in foster care. The boy has some mental issues that I know even his aunt is unable to deal with. I am told that his counselor is going to be taking temporary custody of him. It's a fucking nightmare, I tell you, and at the very least we are going to get some visitations so she can come and visit us and her cousins and the people who love her. I am SO angry at my SIL, but I also understand that drugs DO this to people. It's tragic and sad and infuriating. It's also such a nasty disease, because not a single person in thier right mind would do the things that she has done to cause this to happen to her children.
I am not sure what we could get temporary custody of her because I don't have the room for her. I have a two bedroom apartment and all boys in it. I don't know what the criteria is but I am going to find out. I have to at least try. I would do it for any of my neices or nephews and while I know it sounds insane to even consider for a second taking on another child, I have to at least find out what I can do for her, even if it's just picking her up a few times a week and taking her to the park with the boys. She's just a little girl, a beautiful sweet six year old girl who does not deserve to have the spirit taken away from her like this. Her father just died, he brother attacked her the night it happened, and now her mother is 'out there' and she has been taken away from her too. Perhaps if she is placed with a good and loving family... she will have a better life that she might have otherwise. I have heard of people who have had good foster care experiences. I'm sure that there are lots of good stories. Lots of good people who want to take care of children. I pray that Maddie is with one of those families.
If you have any information on DSS and any of this- please share it with me.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Ar-tic-u-late
Tomorrow is the big Joint Commission survey for work. What we've worked for for two years. It starts at 9 and one woman is going to walk our hospital, look at our processes for stroke patients and spend a good portion of the day crawling up my data. 1200 patients, over two years and 95% of that data was collected by me. She is going to come in, look at my work and hopefully not tell me "YOU DID IT ALL WRONG!"
This is a huge day for the hospital, for my department, and really the future of my career in health care. Hopefully getting our certification as a Primary Stroke Center will be a good selling point when my boss present a new job description for me to get a big raise. It will put me in a position to be SEEN at work, as someone who was very instrumental in getting our certification. Big wig people will be at the evaluation, and certain questions will be turfed directly to me. I have to be able to speak with authority. I admit that is not my strong suit.
It is not that I don't KNOW the information, I know it, I understand it. Sometimes I just struggle to articulate it and I open my mouth and out comes the word vomit. blech blech blech.
I have copies of the presentations that will be given so I have an idea of what questions she will ask. I have to remind myself that I KNOW this stuff. I know the data, I know the measures, I know the protocols. I know my stroke data.
I just gotta prove it and not sound like a fucking idiot in the process.
Wish me luck.
This is a huge day for the hospital, for my department, and really the future of my career in health care. Hopefully getting our certification as a Primary Stroke Center will be a good selling point when my boss present a new job description for me to get a big raise. It will put me in a position to be SEEN at work, as someone who was very instrumental in getting our certification. Big wig people will be at the evaluation, and certain questions will be turfed directly to me. I have to be able to speak with authority. I admit that is not my strong suit.
It is not that I don't KNOW the information, I know it, I understand it. Sometimes I just struggle to articulate it and I open my mouth and out comes the word vomit. blech blech blech.
I have copies of the presentations that will be given so I have an idea of what questions she will ask. I have to remind myself that I KNOW this stuff. I know the data, I know the measures, I know the protocols. I know my stroke data.
I just gotta prove it and not sound like a fucking idiot in the process.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Get Some HNT
Hey... ya wanna do it??
This was the question I asked the e-husband right after he took this picture. What do you think he said?
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.
This was the question I asked the e-husband right after he took this picture. What do you think he said?
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.
Monday, April 07, 2008
TMI Tuesday
1. Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend, who are you (more) mad at?
Probably my best friend, and I will forgive her first also. I would probably forgive the boyfriend eventually also. I am just like that.
2. Is there something someone could say to you that would cross a boundary of not being able to take back or forgive them?
You would think so, but then again, I tend to be the forgiving to a fault. I just don't STAY angry even when I should.
3. What non-sexual body part do you find the sexiest?
I love a guy with thick wrists. Mmmmm
4. Would you ever consider cosmetic surgery to have the perfect body?
I think if I had THAT much plastic surgery, I would not look perfect, I would look like Frankenstein. But in my dreams I look just like Jessica Alba.
5. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Yeah, kissing girls is cool. They are soft and stuff.
Bonus (as in optional): If you were going to have a one night stand, who would you rather it be with- an ex or someone totally random you just met.
Someone I just met. I've already HAD sex with my exes. It's not strange, if it's not a stranger!!!
Probably my best friend, and I will forgive her first also. I would probably forgive the boyfriend eventually also. I am just like that.
2. Is there something someone could say to you that would cross a boundary of not being able to take back or forgive them?
You would think so, but then again, I tend to be the forgiving to a fault. I just don't STAY angry even when I should.
3. What non-sexual body part do you find the sexiest?
I love a guy with thick wrists. Mmmmm
4. Would you ever consider cosmetic surgery to have the perfect body?
I think if I had THAT much plastic surgery, I would not look perfect, I would look like Frankenstein. But in my dreams I look just like Jessica Alba.
5. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Yeah, kissing girls is cool. They are soft and stuff.
Bonus (as in optional): If you were going to have a one night stand, who would you rather it be with- an ex or someone totally random you just met.
Someone I just met. I've already HAD sex with my exes. It's not strange, if it's not a stranger!!!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
in my dreams
I had the craziest dream last night. Crazy because it was sexual and great, but with an ex that is so far removed from my sexual radar I am not sure what to think. It's like having a dream about having sex with someone you've NEVER thought about having sex with before. I am not even sure where it came from, not just left field, but an entirely different SPORT!!
So all of a sudden, the boyfriend I had for like 4 years before I met my FIRST husband was standing outside of my office because his grandfather was a patient and had died. Oh my god, and I hugged him and all that comforting stuff. And then- flash -we are someplace else, a big room, that I've never been in before and we are sitting really close and he's coming in closer to kiss me. I am drawn to kiss him, although I don't remember if I did or didn't enjoy kissing him. I'm sure I did, we always remember it when it's BAD and the physical stuff between us was always good. So we are kissing and he's touching me. His hands on my skin and his mouth on my lips and my neck. He's holding me really close and I am feeling overwhelmed by it. He tells me that he wishes he had married me and that it's not too late for us.
Ok. WTF?
no
WHAT THE FUCK?!!!
So I pull back and say to him, Are you out of your mind?!?!
Of course in my dream I had sex with him, cause you know it's still me- and he was the guy that I found my g-spot with, so you know... well, yeah.
Besides, if I can't get laid in my dreams, well then where can I?
It's so weird. I mean, am I so starving for that kind of attention that I will reach back in to the depths of my relationship hell and pull out the only relationship that has come full circle?? I mean, this guy and I dated, and I put him through hell, and he paid me back nicely for it by emotionally abusing me for twice the time that I cheated on him for. Then years later we talked and he apologized for his behavior and we have been on again off again friends who have come around in a nice way- both having learned from our mistakes.
So why then, would I have this crazy ass dream about him. It makes no sense what so ever!! It makes me wonder just how desperate I am for real affection. Whatever that is!!
So all of a sudden, the boyfriend I had for like 4 years before I met my FIRST husband was standing outside of my office because his grandfather was a patient and had died. Oh my god, and I hugged him and all that comforting stuff. And then- flash -we are someplace else, a big room, that I've never been in before and we are sitting really close and he's coming in closer to kiss me. I am drawn to kiss him, although I don't remember if I did or didn't enjoy kissing him. I'm sure I did, we always remember it when it's BAD and the physical stuff between us was always good. So we are kissing and he's touching me. His hands on my skin and his mouth on my lips and my neck. He's holding me really close and I am feeling overwhelmed by it. He tells me that he wishes he had married me and that it's not too late for us.
Ok. WTF?
no
WHAT THE FUCK?!!!
So I pull back and say to him, Are you out of your mind?!?!
Of course in my dream I had sex with him, cause you know it's still me- and he was the guy that I found my g-spot with, so you know... well, yeah.
Besides, if I can't get laid in my dreams, well then where can I?
It's so weird. I mean, am I so starving for that kind of attention that I will reach back in to the depths of my relationship hell and pull out the only relationship that has come full circle?? I mean, this guy and I dated, and I put him through hell, and he paid me back nicely for it by emotionally abusing me for twice the time that I cheated on him for. Then years later we talked and he apologized for his behavior and we have been on again off again friends who have come around in a nice way- both having learned from our mistakes.
So why then, would I have this crazy ass dream about him. It makes no sense what so ever!! It makes me wonder just how desperate I am for real affection. Whatever that is!!
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Half Nekkidness Ensues
Pretend for me
That Im someone in your life
Pretend for me
Even only for a while
- Julie by David Bowie
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Honor. Courage. Commitment.
If the Army and the Navy Ever gaze on Heaven's scenes,At the completion of the ceremony the music played, from Anchors Away and cut into the Marine hymn. I did not even bother to fight back the tears, because they were of joy and pride and even now I write this I am still choked up by it all.
They will find the streets are guarded By United States Marines.
My brother retired after 22 years in the Marine Corp. Master Sgt. Rom receiving an American Flag.
Fuck yeah.
Waiting at attention.
In formation, I love this. Rick was saying that during the first retirement ceremony he did, he was standing in the back of the formation, just hoping not to fall over. They stood like this the entire ceremony.
Gratuitous pic of the really hot Marine who was right in front of me. C'mon Rick- hook a sistah up!!!
Master Sgt. Rom, giving his farewell speech. It was a touching and emotional speech in which he ended by saying that he will remember the hundreds of American and Iraqi soldiers (that he trained) who have died in this war.
You have made us all so proud.
Congratulations Rick.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
HNT- 62 days and counting.
I ordered my cap and gown today. My graduation announcements and a frame for my diploma. I also got a sash to wear at graduation, and I'm thinking that the day after graduation I may just take my HNT picture wearing the sash. anything else?- well you'll have to wait and see.
It cost just shy of $300 on the above mentioned items but I still think it's totally worth it. For all the other bullshit I may be going through, I am looking at this time, this year as the best time of my life. Nothing but opportunities.
Since I am feeling great these days- losing some weight, living, loving, learning and life is as good as it's ever going to be, I thought I'd flaunt a little bit of skin to go with it.
Check out the brains on me, huh??
It cost just shy of $300 on the above mentioned items but I still think it's totally worth it. For all the other bullshit I may be going through, I am looking at this time, this year as the best time of my life. Nothing but opportunities.
Since I am feeling great these days- losing some weight, living, loving, learning and life is as good as it's ever going to be, I thought I'd flaunt a little bit of skin to go with it.
Check out the brains on me, huh??
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
don't it make my brown eyes...
yes. of COURSE they are fake. What do you think??
Kind of a trip, right?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Ruminations after the funeral
I went to my brother in laws funeral yesterday. The e-husband was too sick to go and I am still seething at him over that. I can't even talk about it. It was a lovely ceremony, save for the fact that there was no mention of my sister in law. Let me make this disclaimer, they were not technically married. They were living together long enough that it was considered common law, they had joint everything, domestic partnership status for insurance purposes. Just no actually ceremony where you kiss the bride. They were together for about 11 years, at least, had two kids and had struggled through a lot together.
"He was survived by his mother, his siblings, and his children." I wanted to scream. This is not what he would have wanted. He would have wanted her mentioned first. He loved her, adored her. The tension between his family and her is apparently serious and out of my realm of understanding, but for them to just go against what I'm sure his wishes were... oh it just kills me. I heard that his mother actually pushed my sister in law away when she tried to hug her at the graveside. I sat next to my mother in law and she sat between her parents. Holding one hand. Never thinking that she would be there in that place. Her true love, in a casket in the front of the room. It was heart breaking and made sure to hug her as tight as she hugged me, and told her how sorry I was. How much I know he loved her. How much I love her.
During the ceremony I did my best not to break down. It was a spectacular California day and Rose Hills is truly a spectacular place to be laid to rest. I looked out the window during the particularly heart wrenching parts and watched their daughter, my niece playing outside in her pretty blue sun dress. After the service, I made a quick exit after going out side to hug her tight. I have a very hard time with graveside services and I don't go when I don't have to. It takes me back to my step dad's funeral, at the same cemetary, and a time that I can remember feeling the worst I've ever felt- watching them put him in the ground. So I hugged my family and made my exit. Leaving gate 17 and driving directly to gate 1. Up the hill, to the left, and up the hill until I reached Fir Lawn where my dad's are buried
Every time I drive up there, I see that dark rainy day. The tent. No matter that it was 78 degrees and blinding outside this day, I still remember THAT day. I sat down between the sites and talked to my dads. I told them, probably for the third or fourth time... about Alex, and Gabriel, and Daniel. How much my dad would have liked Alex, he is kinda goofy sometimes, like dad was. How my step dad would go crazy over Gabe and Danny. Danny's mischievous ways and how smart and polite Gabriel is. He would have loved them to death, he would have made them laugh.
I sat quiet for a long time, trying to explain about my husband. They would have both like him early on, and hate how things have turned out for me. Both of them having had ailing health in the last few years of their lives, I know they would not have wanted me to choose a man, and a life much like the one my mom had with them. Funny how that happens. I sat and cried for a while, apologizing for my lack of.... life.
Me and my daddy issues.
In my brother in laws ceremony, the officiator talked about a bible passage in James 4:14.
"He was survived by his mother, his siblings, and his children." I wanted to scream. This is not what he would have wanted. He would have wanted her mentioned first. He loved her, adored her. The tension between his family and her is apparently serious and out of my realm of understanding, but for them to just go against what I'm sure his wishes were... oh it just kills me. I heard that his mother actually pushed my sister in law away when she tried to hug her at the graveside. I sat next to my mother in law and she sat between her parents. Holding one hand. Never thinking that she would be there in that place. Her true love, in a casket in the front of the room. It was heart breaking and made sure to hug her as tight as she hugged me, and told her how sorry I was. How much I know he loved her. How much I love her.
During the ceremony I did my best not to break down. It was a spectacular California day and Rose Hills is truly a spectacular place to be laid to rest. I looked out the window during the particularly heart wrenching parts and watched their daughter, my niece playing outside in her pretty blue sun dress. After the service, I made a quick exit after going out side to hug her tight. I have a very hard time with graveside services and I don't go when I don't have to. It takes me back to my step dad's funeral, at the same cemetary, and a time that I can remember feeling the worst I've ever felt- watching them put him in the ground. So I hugged my family and made my exit. Leaving gate 17 and driving directly to gate 1. Up the hill, to the left, and up the hill until I reached Fir Lawn where my dad's are buried
Every time I drive up there, I see that dark rainy day. The tent. No matter that it was 78 degrees and blinding outside this day, I still remember THAT day. I sat down between the sites and talked to my dads. I told them, probably for the third or fourth time... about Alex, and Gabriel, and Daniel. How much my dad would have liked Alex, he is kinda goofy sometimes, like dad was. How my step dad would go crazy over Gabe and Danny. Danny's mischievous ways and how smart and polite Gabriel is. He would have loved them to death, he would have made them laugh.
I sat quiet for a long time, trying to explain about my husband. They would have both like him early on, and hate how things have turned out for me. Both of them having had ailing health in the last few years of their lives, I know they would not have wanted me to choose a man, and a life much like the one my mom had with them. Funny how that happens. I sat and cried for a while, apologizing for my lack of.... life.
Me and my daddy issues.
In my brother in laws ceremony, the officiator talked about a bible passage in James 4:14.
Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.It settled into my heart and I can still feel it there like a weight. I don't get religious often, but I do find some things in the bible so terribly moving that they rock my core. This did. A mist. Just a brief flash, enough for some people to feel as it passes by them, and then gone. My life should be more than this, and as I was sitting at my fathers' graves, I could not deny that it simply was not.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Stop and Stare
I've got my heart set
on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead
-Onerepublic
Not half nekkid, but still exposed.
Hey look- maybe I've found a reason to ride the subway in New York afterall.
married to a douche
The youngest Beastie has a doctors appointment today at 9.
I have taken a lot of time off lately and have very little vacation time.
This friday I have my Brother in Law's funeral
Next friday I have my brothers retirement from the Marines. (more on that next week)
I cannot take time off to take Daniel to the doctors again. So the e-husband was told that he would need to do it. He didn't volunteer, he was volun-told.
Fuck me.
apparently.
This morning he is not getting out of bed. He just isn't. I know what you may be thinking, make him- right? Yeah- try that. I'll wait here. Also I could do that but then I will be unleashing douchebag wrath all over my sweet child who is already going to be upset having to go to the doctors in the first place and having his ears lavaged. So I called my mother, who was more than happy to help me out.
Sometimes it's better to just NOT rely on him, ever.
What a douchebag.... right?
I have taken a lot of time off lately and have very little vacation time.
This friday I have my Brother in Law's funeral
Next friday I have my brothers retirement from the Marines. (more on that next week)
I cannot take time off to take Daniel to the doctors again. So the e-husband was told that he would need to do it. He didn't volunteer, he was volun-told.
Fuck me.
apparently.
This morning he is not getting out of bed. He just isn't. I know what you may be thinking, make him- right? Yeah- try that. I'll wait here. Also I could do that but then I will be unleashing douchebag wrath all over my sweet child who is already going to be upset having to go to the doctors in the first place and having his ears lavaged. So I called my mother, who was more than happy to help me out.
Sometimes it's better to just NOT rely on him, ever.
What a douchebag.... right?
less than 100 days
Yeah yeah- graduation....
And then.....
(seriously click this picture to look at it large.)
Fuck. Yeah!!!
And then.....
(seriously click this picture to look at it large.)
Fuck. Yeah!!!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Rockin the hair
I have a love and hate relationship with my hair. I love my hair, but I realize that it's a bit outdated. Unfortunately, my hair doesn't DO much more than what you see here.
Wet hair, add mousse. That much mousse is for one side. I repeat with the other side.
I go through a can of mouse every week. Luckily the mousse that works the absolute best on my hair costs under $2 a bottle.
Shake it out and toss.
This is how it looks when it's first done. As the day goes by and it dries it gets bigger than this, more body, fuller. Once it extends past my shoulders, it's pulled back in a pony tail. Every day I leave the house with good intentions to wear my hair down all day, but rarely does it STAY down.
It's the thing that defines me. You know Julie, with the long black curly hair???
Yeah, I know her- she fuckin rocks.
Wet hair, add mousse. That much mousse is for one side. I repeat with the other side.
I go through a can of mouse every week. Luckily the mousse that works the absolute best on my hair costs under $2 a bottle.
Shake it out and toss.
This is how it looks when it's first done. As the day goes by and it dries it gets bigger than this, more body, fuller. Once it extends past my shoulders, it's pulled back in a pony tail. Every day I leave the house with good intentions to wear my hair down all day, but rarely does it STAY down.
It's the thing that defines me. You know Julie, with the long black curly hair???
Yeah, I know her- she fuckin rocks.
At least its not on my face....
I know you like my hair- but you know, ASK ME first douchebag.
read this
Another reason I don't like to fly.
read this
Another reason I don't like to fly.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
My mangled heart
"I don't want the world, I only want what I deserve."
I think the reason I don't always enjoy going out is because it is just a constant reminder that this is NOT my life. That things like good times and fun and adventure are not something that are included in my list of 'important shit to do right now." It's just a glimpse of someone elses life, and I am overwraught with jealousy and come home to resentment.
Last night before I went out, the e-husband was so overmedicated he could not even muster enough strength to cough. He was practically choking on his cough. It was disgusting and I wondered if I put a pillow over his face if he would have the strength to fight me. Sometimes I just hate him. Sometimes I hate my life, and I hate myself for letting this happen to me.
I did manage to wake him, and when I felt he was alert enough I went out dancing and had a nice time. I think I said that already. When I came home I was just seething at him and this morning I just could not take it anymore. We had this conversation, this is the jist of my end of it- the end that matters.
You need to be more present in this marriage. You HAVE to make more efforts to get better. You HAVE to stop being so overmedicated. I have agreed to stay in this marriage, but if is going to stand a chance, you need to make an effort because I am so OVER this. You can no longer expect me to stay content in this marriage with no intimacy, no communication and no sex. I am lonely. I don't HAVE to be lonely. I feel like I am settling, and I don't HAVE to settle. You have to step it up, or we are going to have to come to the agreement that we are just good friends. I want more than this, and I'm on the verge of going out and getting it. You have to step it up, or I'm out.
It is your responsibility as my husband to care for your physical and emotional health. It's part of the promise you made. I understand that you are sick but I agreed to stay your wife, I did not sign on to be your cellmate.
The rest of the day was spend with the elephant in the room. It's out there. I don't even know why I said it. Nothing is going to change. I want it to change, but it's not going to. The crushes and the boys that float in and out of my periph are nice and they do give me some of the emotional strokes I want, but they are not really any more present than he is (or isn't). They cannot be relied on, and they are not real.
I don't know that I believe that there is another true love out there for me. I just don't know that I buy it. I was in love here, and this is what happened. I just don't know if I'm willing to get struck by lightning again. Even with that, I deserve to enjoy the benefits of being in a committed relationship. I don't need a housekeeper with ownership to my pussy. I don't need someone to pawn all over me 24/7, bringing me flowers every day and rattling the headboard every night. I don't want to dread going home to my husband. Home is not supposed to be the place where joys gets killed. I should not ever contemplate smothering my husband, just because I don't think he will fight back.
I just want to a partner who is present. A husband (or even a fucking boyfriend) with whom I'm sharing a part of my life with. Someone who is not threatened by my successes. Someone who really wants to be a part of what I've got going on. Someone who supports my emotional well being, and doesn't thrive off of my insecurities because he knows that they are keeping me here.
I want someone I don't have to survive.
I think the reason I don't always enjoy going out is because it is just a constant reminder that this is NOT my life. That things like good times and fun and adventure are not something that are included in my list of 'important shit to do right now." It's just a glimpse of someone elses life, and I am overwraught with jealousy and come home to resentment.
Last night before I went out, the e-husband was so overmedicated he could not even muster enough strength to cough. He was practically choking on his cough. It was disgusting and I wondered if I put a pillow over his face if he would have the strength to fight me. Sometimes I just hate him. Sometimes I hate my life, and I hate myself for letting this happen to me.
I did manage to wake him, and when I felt he was alert enough I went out dancing and had a nice time. I think I said that already. When I came home I was just seething at him and this morning I just could not take it anymore. We had this conversation, this is the jist of my end of it- the end that matters.
You need to be more present in this marriage. You HAVE to make more efforts to get better. You HAVE to stop being so overmedicated. I have agreed to stay in this marriage, but if is going to stand a chance, you need to make an effort because I am so OVER this. You can no longer expect me to stay content in this marriage with no intimacy, no communication and no sex. I am lonely. I don't HAVE to be lonely. I feel like I am settling, and I don't HAVE to settle. You have to step it up, or we are going to have to come to the agreement that we are just good friends. I want more than this, and I'm on the verge of going out and getting it. You have to step it up, or I'm out.
It is your responsibility as my husband to care for your physical and emotional health. It's part of the promise you made. I understand that you are sick but I agreed to stay your wife, I did not sign on to be your cellmate.
The rest of the day was spend with the elephant in the room. It's out there. I don't even know why I said it. Nothing is going to change. I want it to change, but it's not going to. The crushes and the boys that float in and out of my periph are nice and they do give me some of the emotional strokes I want, but they are not really any more present than he is (or isn't). They cannot be relied on, and they are not real.
I don't know that I believe that there is another true love out there for me. I just don't know that I buy it. I was in love here, and this is what happened. I just don't know if I'm willing to get struck by lightning again. Even with that, I deserve to enjoy the benefits of being in a committed relationship. I don't need a housekeeper with ownership to my pussy. I don't need someone to pawn all over me 24/7, bringing me flowers every day and rattling the headboard every night. I don't want to dread going home to my husband. Home is not supposed to be the place where joys gets killed. I should not ever contemplate smothering my husband, just because I don't think he will fight back.
I just want to a partner who is present. A husband (or even a fucking boyfriend) with whom I'm sharing a part of my life with. Someone who is not threatened by my successes. Someone who really wants to be a part of what I've got going on. Someone who supports my emotional well being, and doesn't thrive off of my insecurities because he knows that they are keeping me here.
I want someone I don't have to survive.
Are you that somebody?
I got turned on to this band and this song.... The Gossip. This is a really cool cover of the song from Aaliyah.
Enjoy it.
Also here's my jeans. Nice eh??
Even the picture does not do me justice, but really- what does??
Lastly- I feel like I can't just remove my brother in laws phone number from my cell. The funeral is next week. Maybe I'll just leave it there until then. sigh...
Enjoy it.
Also here's my jeans. Nice eh??
Even the picture does not do me justice, but really- what does??
Lastly- I feel like I can't just remove my brother in laws phone number from my cell. The funeral is next week. Maybe I'll just leave it there until then. sigh...
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Maybe it's the jeans, or maybe I just need to get laid
I went shopping with my sis today. We grabbed handfuls of clothes and tried them all on. I found a new shirt and a new pair of jeans.
I have not bought new jeans in a long time. The don't wear the ones I have because they are tapered legs. I had no idea they were tapered legs because I was only concerned with the fact that they fit my ass. Apparently they not only fit my ass, but made it look bigger. lovely. So I stopped wearing them, and have bought any since, except for a pair of old navy jeans that were too big for my husband. I know, it's sad. I'm wearing HIS fat jeans, what fucking ever.
So sis grabbed them and tossed them my way. I rolled my eyes, but complied. I can play along. My sis has this teeny body with curves where they are supposed to be. I try not to openly seethe at her for this- but you know- she has better genes than me, apparently.
So after trying on the shirts that were more of a disaster in pattern than in fit, I reached for the jeans and stuffed my ass into them. I've heard that finding a pair of good jeans is a sexually satisfying experience, especially for us bigger girls who have size issues. (Short and fat is a bad combo for jeans) I always assumed that this was an urban legend, like the guy who gets his kidney stolen and wakes up in a bathtub full of ice. Perhaps it's because I've never FOUND a good pair of jeans before.
Well, that's what happened when I slipped into these jeans. They are a bit snug, but for the stretch they are really comfortable. I got a flutter in my downtown region. They curve where they should. They totally rock my ass. Heavy breathing. They cover what needs covering and don't give me wide hips, a muffin top, or camel toe. White hot explosion.
SCORE!!!!
I have not bought new jeans in a long time. The don't wear the ones I have because they are tapered legs. I had no idea they were tapered legs because I was only concerned with the fact that they fit my ass. Apparently they not only fit my ass, but made it look bigger. lovely. So I stopped wearing them, and have bought any since, except for a pair of old navy jeans that were too big for my husband. I know, it's sad. I'm wearing HIS fat jeans, what fucking ever.
So sis grabbed them and tossed them my way. I rolled my eyes, but complied. I can play along. My sis has this teeny body with curves where they are supposed to be. I try not to openly seethe at her for this- but you know- she has better genes than me, apparently.
So after trying on the shirts that were more of a disaster in pattern than in fit, I reached for the jeans and stuffed my ass into them. I've heard that finding a pair of good jeans is a sexually satisfying experience, especially for us bigger girls who have size issues. (Short and fat is a bad combo for jeans) I always assumed that this was an urban legend, like the guy who gets his kidney stolen and wakes up in a bathtub full of ice. Perhaps it's because I've never FOUND a good pair of jeans before.
Well, that's what happened when I slipped into these jeans. They are a bit snug, but for the stretch they are really comfortable. I got a flutter in my downtown region. They curve where they should. They totally rock my ass. Heavy breathing. They cover what needs covering and don't give me wide hips, a muffin top, or camel toe. White hot explosion.
SCORE!!!!
Saturday update
Since I have been wearing my frames for about 8 years now, I got new ones.
I decided to go for the rectangular frames since that is the new style. I think they are kinda kicky and hip.
It doesn't matter how much thinner my face is, I can't seem to get rid of that extra chin. It's all I see when I look at this picture. Isn't that funny that when I look at a picture that is otherwise nice, all I see is the fat chin. The rest of my face is getting thinner, what gives?? Maybe I need this.
So I have lost just under 10 pounds. 9.8- whatever. I am mildly happy with 10 pounds, but it's been 8 weeks, and I'd like to lose more than a pound a week. At this rate, by the time I get to NY I will have only lost another 12 pounds. And yea, 22 pounds in that many weeks is not bad. It's a healthy way to lose weight, but if I get to choose, I'd prefer to lose maybe TWO pounds a week.
So what am I going to do to do that???
A friend recommended these places to see in NY.
Top of the Rock.
The Strand Bookstore
Babeland
Strawberry Fields
I think I may spend a day in Central Park. I had no idea there was so much to see there. I also found this really cool article on riding the subway (thanks PunkGuy), but I admit that I am still not really wanting to do that.
On another awesome note. While my mother is refusing to throw me a graduation party. My boss is going to. She said she wanted to offer, but can't do it alone cause she's not a planner like that (that is what she has ME for). So she's going to throw me a nice big party at the clubhouse where she lives and I can invite my family and friends. I will help her set it up, but I really wanted to cry when she offered. I am very fortunate to work for someone like her. Somedays she really makes me fucking crazy, but it my more humble moments, I admit that she is one of the most strong and amazing and smart women I know.
How many more days??? Counter says 74. Fuck yeah.
I decided to go for the rectangular frames since that is the new style. I think they are kinda kicky and hip.
It doesn't matter how much thinner my face is, I can't seem to get rid of that extra chin. It's all I see when I look at this picture. Isn't that funny that when I look at a picture that is otherwise nice, all I see is the fat chin. The rest of my face is getting thinner, what gives?? Maybe I need this.
So I have lost just under 10 pounds. 9.8- whatever. I am mildly happy with 10 pounds, but it's been 8 weeks, and I'd like to lose more than a pound a week. At this rate, by the time I get to NY I will have only lost another 12 pounds. And yea, 22 pounds in that many weeks is not bad. It's a healthy way to lose weight, but if I get to choose, I'd prefer to lose maybe TWO pounds a week.
So what am I going to do to do that???
- drink more water.
- choose better foods. Yes I can have 8 points in a hamburger patty and cheese- or I can have 8 points in a chicken breast and a vegetables and a glass of milk.
- think even harder about starting an exercise routine.
A friend recommended these places to see in NY.
Top of the Rock.
The Strand Bookstore
Babeland
Strawberry Fields
I think I may spend a day in Central Park. I had no idea there was so much to see there. I also found this really cool article on riding the subway (thanks PunkGuy), but I admit that I am still not really wanting to do that.
On another awesome note. While my mother is refusing to throw me a graduation party. My boss is going to. She said she wanted to offer, but can't do it alone cause she's not a planner like that (that is what she has ME for). So she's going to throw me a nice big party at the clubhouse where she lives and I can invite my family and friends. I will help her set it up, but I really wanted to cry when she offered. I am very fortunate to work for someone like her. Somedays she really makes me fucking crazy, but it my more humble moments, I admit that she is one of the most strong and amazing and smart women I know.
How many more days??? Counter says 74. Fuck yeah.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Do you have the time??
Last week was Daylight Savings. I don't know if it ended, or began- but I know that I woke up on Sunday morning and the clock on the cable box, cell phone and PC were different than the ones on the wall and I thought I was going insane.
"If you have one clock, you know the time. If you have more than one you're never really sure."
Yeah. Like that.
So after some research, which was calling Cheryl and asking her,"Is it fucking daylight savings or am I insane?" I realized that yes, the clocks went forward. Seemed too early for that- but whatever. I'm not about to fight the system on it.
Even though for half the year it stays light until 7:30 PM and it's been that way my entire life, I am never used to it. I never expect it. It is always weird to me, even though it should be as normal as it getting dark at 6. Of course I tend to be resistant to certain things that happen all the fucking time, like being called "Mrs."
I usually wake up in the morning around 6. That is what time my alarm goes off. But all week, I have been waking up at 5. (the old 6). So I've gained nothing. I'm actually losing sleep, right? I'm all confused. Is 5AM what used to be 6AM, or is that 7? Exactly what happened to the extra hour of sleep I allowed myself when I changed my work schedule to take the kids to school in the morning??
Maybe I am just insane.
Either way. it's early, I'm up.
"If you have one clock, you know the time. If you have more than one you're never really sure."
Yeah. Like that.
So after some research, which was calling Cheryl and asking her,"Is it fucking daylight savings or am I insane?" I realized that yes, the clocks went forward. Seemed too early for that- but whatever. I'm not about to fight the system on it.
Even though for half the year it stays light until 7:30 PM and it's been that way my entire life, I am never used to it. I never expect it. It is always weird to me, even though it should be as normal as it getting dark at 6. Of course I tend to be resistant to certain things that happen all the fucking time, like being called "Mrs."
I usually wake up in the morning around 6. That is what time my alarm goes off. But all week, I have been waking up at 5. (the old 6). So I've gained nothing. I'm actually losing sleep, right? I'm all confused. Is 5AM what used to be 6AM, or is that 7? Exactly what happened to the extra hour of sleep I allowed myself when I changed my work schedule to take the kids to school in the morning??
Maybe I am just insane.
Either way. it's early, I'm up.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
HNT
I could not put the HNT post in the same post where I talk about my brother in law passing away, so I decided to do two. So scroll past my picture and read the post ok??
I took this the other day at work. Was feeling good. I think I lost a few more pounds. I have a waist again it seems. Hello old friend.
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I took this the other day at work. Was feeling good. I think I lost a few more pounds. I have a waist again it seems. Hello old friend.
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catching up.
I haven't updated in a week. I know.... but if I told you that nothing was going on, would you believe me??
yeah, me either.
So Graduation is however many days left that is says on the counter up there. Add 22 days and guess where I'm going??
NEW YORK BITCHES!!!!!
I have decided that to celebrate ME, I'm taking a trip to New York City to commemorate the occasion. I have a small list of places to see and a LONG list of places to drink!! Woo hoo!!!!!
I have serious senior-itis. I just need to be done with this semester and move on to Grad School. My 4 classes this semester are keeping me really busy, but my mind is always wandering off to other things.
Oh yeah, and the e-husband was back in the hospital again and is back home again. whatever.....
On a sad note, my brother in law died a few nights ago. (husbands side) He was in a car accident in his work truck (Peterbilt) about three weeks ago. The truck went off the freeway and smashed into concrete below. My 9 year old nephew was lucky to get out with just a scratch- but my brother in law was not so lucky, So after a three week battle, he went into organ failure and passed away on Monday night.
He was a rough guy. He lived a rough life, but was doing his best to make things good for his kids. He and I were not exactly friends this past year but in a different time, he was very helpful to me. When e-husband was out and using drugs, he took care of me. He called me every day, checked on me- gave me advice and support and helped me through some very hard nights when I did not feel strong enough. I will always be grateful to him for that, even if he turned against me a bit when e-husband and I separated. No matter that there are some questions regarding the accident. It's family, and it's very sad for my sister in law, for their two children, for his adult children and for his parents and siblings. Nobody is perfect, and he never claimed to be. But I know he had a decent heart and he will be missed.
yeah, me either.
So Graduation is however many days left that is says on the counter up there. Add 22 days and guess where I'm going??
NEW YORK BITCHES!!!!!
I have decided that to celebrate ME, I'm taking a trip to New York City to commemorate the occasion. I have a small list of places to see and a LONG list of places to drink!! Woo hoo!!!!!
I have serious senior-itis. I just need to be done with this semester and move on to Grad School. My 4 classes this semester are keeping me really busy, but my mind is always wandering off to other things.
Oh yeah, and the e-husband was back in the hospital again and is back home again. whatever.....
On a sad note, my brother in law died a few nights ago. (husbands side) He was in a car accident in his work truck (Peterbilt) about three weeks ago. The truck went off the freeway and smashed into concrete below. My 9 year old nephew was lucky to get out with just a scratch- but my brother in law was not so lucky, So after a three week battle, he went into organ failure and passed away on Monday night.
He was a rough guy. He lived a rough life, but was doing his best to make things good for his kids. He and I were not exactly friends this past year but in a different time, he was very helpful to me. When e-husband was out and using drugs, he took care of me. He called me every day, checked on me- gave me advice and support and helped me through some very hard nights when I did not feel strong enough. I will always be grateful to him for that, even if he turned against me a bit when e-husband and I separated. No matter that there are some questions regarding the accident. It's family, and it's very sad for my sister in law, for their two children, for his adult children and for his parents and siblings. Nobody is perfect, and he never claimed to be. But I know he had a decent heart and he will be missed.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
No theme- HNT
I did not do the MAC theme but this is just me, chillin.
No makeup, no drama, no pretenses. This is just me. Take it or leave it.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
TMI Tuesday
1. Under what conditions would you kiss a stranger?
I'd do it on a dare, if they were cute! Or you know, in my family we do lots of kissing, so when we meet people for the first time (in a family event setting) we hug and do the kiss one side, kiss the other side a lot.
2. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? If you’ve never sent someone a text message, is there some reason
Cheryl, I was commenting on the picture of the cute cowboy she sent me!
3. When was the last time you deliberately surprised someone?
I assume that grown ups hate surprises as much as I do so for adults the effort is usually not worth the outcome,
4. How often do walk somewhere (hopefully, other than the mailbox)?
Not often enough. I really don't walk anywhere if I don't have to (other than the mailbox) and I have the fat ass to prove it!!
5. What were the longest and shortest durations of your romantic relationships?
Longs is the one I'm in now, 10 years, or something like that. The shortest romantic relationship was probably two of three days. Two of three days of hot, dirty, sweaty...um "romance".
Bonus (as in optional):What is missing from your life
Strangely, romance.
I'd do it on a dare, if they were cute! Or you know, in my family we do lots of kissing, so when we meet people for the first time (in a family event setting) we hug and do the kiss one side, kiss the other side a lot.
2. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? If you’ve never sent someone a text message, is there some reason
Cheryl, I was commenting on the picture of the cute cowboy she sent me!
3. When was the last time you deliberately surprised someone?
I assume that grown ups hate surprises as much as I do so for adults the effort is usually not worth the outcome,
4. How often do walk somewhere (hopefully, other than the mailbox)?
Not often enough. I really don't walk anywhere if I don't have to (other than the mailbox) and I have the fat ass to prove it!!
5. What were the longest and shortest durations of your romantic relationships?
Longs is the one I'm in now, 10 years, or something like that. The shortest romantic relationship was probably two of three days. Two of three days of hot, dirty, sweaty...um "romance".
Bonus (as in optional):What is missing from your life
Strangely, romance.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Free Rice- it will make you smarter!
I am sick this week. My head is congested and I'm dizzy and I'm tired. So tired, but I can't sleep because when I lay down I can't breathe. So I stayed home did some homework and watched TV.
Drew Barrymore donated one million dollars to the World Food Programme and I was moved by her story. I went to the website and it found a link to this site called Free Rice. It's a game, and for every word you get get correct, the advertisers will donate 20 grains of rice. I played for about 10 minutes and donated 1600 grains of rice. I have read that a cup of rice is about 7200 grains, so I guess in 10 minutes I donated 1/4 cup. I also learned that my vocabulary is not as bad as I thought, I just don't USE the big words that are in my head.... for example: enamor means captivate, and billow means surge. I got those right, and I didn't even know that I knew it!! So see I'm learning too. You can save your options and keep track of how many grains you donate. Lets all donate a cup of rice!!
Click it and play!!
Drew Barrymore donated one million dollars to the World Food Programme and I was moved by her story. I went to the website and it found a link to this site called Free Rice. It's a game, and for every word you get get correct, the advertisers will donate 20 grains of rice. I played for about 10 minutes and donated 1600 grains of rice. I have read that a cup of rice is about 7200 grains, so I guess in 10 minutes I donated 1/4 cup. I also learned that my vocabulary is not as bad as I thought, I just don't USE the big words that are in my head.... for example: enamor means captivate, and billow means surge. I got those right, and I didn't even know that I knew it!! So see I'm learning too. You can save your options and keep track of how many grains you donate. Lets all donate a cup of rice!!
Click it and play!!
Sunday, March 02, 2008
The aquarium
We went to the Long Beach aquarium yesterday. It would cost $65 for two adults and two kids, so I bought an annual membership so we can go again and I put all 4 kids on it. Viola! Something to DO on the weekends. Somewhere to GO when there is nothing to do.
Things I learned at the aquarium:
1) Grown ups dig fish. They dig fish so much that they also want to stand right up against the glass, not wanting to let small, short children stand up against the glass.
2) Kids dig fish. There is something that is very calming about watching a tank full of fish. If you can keep the kids staring into the tank for long enough, they DO get quiet.
3) EVERYONE calls clown fish, "Nemo Fish" And yes, the blue tangs are "Dori Fish" and they had a tank that was filled with Nemo and Dori Fish. Gabe asked, "Which one is the REAL Nemo and Dori mom?"
4) Jellyfish are creepy, and not always pink like in Spongebob Squarepants.
See all the pics in my Flick'r badge to the left.
Had a great time, even though Danny was really being a pain. Perhaps with more outings he will be better, either that or he just doesn't get to go next time.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
will it be yes or will it be... sorry?
One of the guilty pleasures of adult life has been a little TV show I call Dawsons Creek. I watched it religiously every week and when it went was in syndication on TBS, I was on maternity leave and "coincidentally" was on at the same time that I was nursing and the baby's nap time, so I got to see both hours it played the reruns.
This morning I turned on the TV and Dawsons Creek was on. The season finale no less. The one where Jen dies. When Joey finally picks Pacey, and life goes on. Like it alway does, I cried. A lot. 6AM and Julie is over here shedding tears over 4 characters on TV. Even though I have seen it before. The finale, I admit, I have only seen once until today. Perhaps because it makes me sad and I reminds me of too much.
Now before you go thinking that I think this is the most heartwarming finale ever, you have to remember that I cry at the end of Homeward Bound and you know, when Chandler proposes to Monica. So you have to take all that into consideration. I am a big fat crier when it comes to television. Just not so much real life.
I do my best not to cry over the e-husband if I can help it. Partially because I feel he is not worth my tears, and partially because I have cried so many in my lifetime, that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Kind of like the person who says "I'm sorry" all the time. Overkill. Crying about the ehusband is obvious. You can assume I am always crying over him.
Some days I have regrets that knock me too my core. Sometimes I want to close my eyes tight and open them to find he is not here. That I do not have to think about how many pills he took today. Whether or not he will be 'well' enough to go with us to the aquarium. Sometimes life is harder when I have to wait and see if I can rely on him, rather than just knowing that he is not there to rely on.
This morning if came to me with two pairs of pants. One pair that should not even have been in the drawer. They were way too small. I mean, size 18 months maybe and another pair of pants that happened to have a hole in the knee. And he says, will this one (the small one) fit Danny? I gave him a blank stare, because he had one on his face. I could tell that he really did not know what he was doing. The medication just makes him disoriented and sort of "sleep walk-y-ish."
The exchange was not pretty. It ended up with me saying, "Just leave me the fuck alone."
Yeah, somedays regret just puts me in a strangle hold.
This morning I turned on the TV and Dawsons Creek was on. The season finale no less. The one where Jen dies. When Joey finally picks Pacey, and life goes on. Like it alway does, I cried. A lot. 6AM and Julie is over here shedding tears over 4 characters on TV. Even though I have seen it before. The finale, I admit, I have only seen once until today. Perhaps because it makes me sad and I reminds me of too much.
Now before you go thinking that I think this is the most heartwarming finale ever, you have to remember that I cry at the end of Homeward Bound and you know, when Chandler proposes to Monica. So you have to take all that into consideration. I am a big fat crier when it comes to television. Just not so much real life.
I do my best not to cry over the e-husband if I can help it. Partially because I feel he is not worth my tears, and partially because I have cried so many in my lifetime, that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Kind of like the person who says "I'm sorry" all the time. Overkill. Crying about the ehusband is obvious. You can assume I am always crying over him.
Some days I have regrets that knock me too my core. Sometimes I want to close my eyes tight and open them to find he is not here. That I do not have to think about how many pills he took today. Whether or not he will be 'well' enough to go with us to the aquarium. Sometimes life is harder when I have to wait and see if I can rely on him, rather than just knowing that he is not there to rely on.
This morning if came to me with two pairs of pants. One pair that should not even have been in the drawer. They were way too small. I mean, size 18 months maybe and another pair of pants that happened to have a hole in the knee. And he says, will this one (the small one) fit Danny? I gave him a blank stare, because he had one on his face. I could tell that he really did not know what he was doing. The medication just makes him disoriented and sort of "sleep walk-y-ish."
The exchange was not pretty. It ended up with me saying, "Just leave me the fuck alone."
Yeah, somedays regret just puts me in a strangle hold.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
HNT on Hump Day.
It's been quite a week. The ehusband got back out of the hospital and decided to come home and annoy the fuck out of me. It is never ending and I should just let it go. Resistance is futile. School however is going really well and I'm looking forward to it being over.
This morning on the radio I heard that the average woman has 19 pairs of shoes. I thought. "That's Crazy!" but then I thought about it for a moment and realized that I, NOT a shoe person who has a low arch, have about 9 or 10 pairs. Three work shoes, two pairs of boots, three pairs of sandals, one pair of dress heels, and one pair of trashy whore heels. Wait, then there are the flip flops, like three pairs of those. So yeah, I guess 19 is about normal. How weird is that??
I would totally go crazy with shoes if I did not have foot issues. I can't wear them too high, and they can't be flat. I usually have to buy some sort of arch support if they ARE low, otherwise my feet will hurt all day. I can walk all day in 1 and a half inch heels, but you know, who wears them with scrubs??
The diet is going along OK. I am definitely eating better, and I have more energy. Yesterday I was able to climb two fights of stairs without wanting to kill myself. I did that several times yesterday cause my boss was having technical difficulties in her classroom two floors above my office. I was happy about that. Who ever thought I used to love the stair master!! I have not lost much weight, like I said before- but I guess I am eating better and have more energy, and that in itself makes it good.
Last night the ehusband went to the grocery store and came home with too much stuff from the "out dated foods" cart- so there is now 4 boxes of donuts in my freezer, (Can you ever DO that?) Doritos, Valenties Day mark downs. Are you trying to fucking kill me with this shit?? Hey- DIABETIC FUCK HEAD, what the hell are you thinking???
Douche.
Oh and lest I forget, I'm a day early but happy half nekkid thursday (tomorrow).
This morning on the radio I heard that the average woman has 19 pairs of shoes. I thought. "That's Crazy!" but then I thought about it for a moment and realized that I, NOT a shoe person who has a low arch, have about 9 or 10 pairs. Three work shoes, two pairs of boots, three pairs of sandals, one pair of dress heels, and one pair of trashy whore heels. Wait, then there are the flip flops, like three pairs of those. So yeah, I guess 19 is about normal. How weird is that??
I would totally go crazy with shoes if I did not have foot issues. I can't wear them too high, and they can't be flat. I usually have to buy some sort of arch support if they ARE low, otherwise my feet will hurt all day. I can walk all day in 1 and a half inch heels, but you know, who wears them with scrubs??
The diet is going along OK. I am definitely eating better, and I have more energy. Yesterday I was able to climb two fights of stairs without wanting to kill myself. I did that several times yesterday cause my boss was having technical difficulties in her classroom two floors above my office. I was happy about that. Who ever thought I used to love the stair master!! I have not lost much weight, like I said before- but I guess I am eating better and have more energy, and that in itself makes it good.
Last night the ehusband went to the grocery store and came home with too much stuff from the "out dated foods" cart- so there is now 4 boxes of donuts in my freezer, (Can you ever DO that?) Doritos, Valenties Day mark downs. Are you trying to fucking kill me with this shit?? Hey- DIABETIC FUCK HEAD, what the hell are you thinking???
Douche.
Oh and lest I forget, I'm a day early but happy half nekkid thursday (tomorrow).
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
TMI Tuesday.
1. What can you consider as the greatest thing you've ever done for/ to yourself?
Go to school and get my education. I'm almost done. 91 days (and 2 more years for my masters degree.) It has done more for my self esteem than it will ever do for my wallet, although I am looking forward to that too.
2. What/ Which part of your life you think you could have done better and why?
I could have taken better care of myself. I would not have started smoking, and I would have exercised more.
3. Do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings?
I think really, it's my cousin Lori. She has been a constant support for me for so long and even when I do things that are not cool- she doesn't judge and will still help me pick up the pieces when I break. She has been my college adviser, my designated driver, my psychologist and my best friend.
4. Tell us about your longest relationship.
The e-husband and I have been together for about 10 years now. Married for 8. If you didn't know, it's sort of a love/hate marriage that is convenient and inconvenient in the same sentence. I love and hate him in the same breath. He fills my empty spaces while he creates huge gaps in my heart. I don't know if I would say he was the cheese to my macaroni, but he is definitely the boiling water that cooks the noodles. (Ok, well...whatever.)
5. In a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Apparently, never.
Bonus (as in optional):What is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it. ;)
I really do miss when the e-husband and I used to be madly in love and could not keep our hands off of each other, long before the drinking and the drugs and everything else that could possibly go wrong in a marriage. I miss the idea of living a long happy and loving life with him, and I guess I am risking a future with someone else to try to relive that with him.
Go to school and get my education. I'm almost done. 91 days (and 2 more years for my masters degree.) It has done more for my self esteem than it will ever do for my wallet, although I am looking forward to that too.
2. What/ Which part of your life you think you could have done better and why?
I could have taken better care of myself. I would not have started smoking, and I would have exercised more.
3. Do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings?
I think really, it's my cousin Lori. She has been a constant support for me for so long and even when I do things that are not cool- she doesn't judge and will still help me pick up the pieces when I break. She has been my college adviser, my designated driver, my psychologist and my best friend.
4. Tell us about your longest relationship.
The e-husband and I have been together for about 10 years now. Married for 8. If you didn't know, it's sort of a love/hate marriage that is convenient and inconvenient in the same sentence. I love and hate him in the same breath. He fills my empty spaces while he creates huge gaps in my heart. I don't know if I would say he was the cheese to my macaroni, but he is definitely the boiling water that cooks the noodles. (Ok, well...whatever.)
5. In a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Apparently, never.
Bonus (as in optional):What is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it. ;)
I really do miss when the e-husband and I used to be madly in love and could not keep our hands off of each other, long before the drinking and the drugs and everything else that could possibly go wrong in a marriage. I miss the idea of living a long happy and loving life with him, and I guess I am risking a future with someone else to try to relive that with him.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
What the weekend had in store for me...
Well I got new toys and the e-husband was in the hospital- so you know, I am in a much better mood than I was on Friday. I'm looking forward to tomorrow though, cause I get to talk to my crush again. It's like I'm 14.
I think I just love the attention I get from crushes. I am safe, since I'm married and all that. yeah yeah. So they can lay on thick layers of attention to me, and not have to commit to anything. I don't mind it. It isn't real- it's just a hair flip, ya know?? But I like it. I like the way it makes me feel. I feel... interesting and funny. I have something to look forward to, and I still don't have to do my makeup.
Maybe I should not be flirting with disaster such as this. Idle hands are the devils tools- and in my case an idle mind is the devils whorehouse. It's should be noted that the place is disease ridden and probably due for a raid by the authorities any day now. Meaning, something will slap me back into place and I will return to my life. But for now, I can be closed off an non committal, and still get excited when the phone rings.
I think I just love the attention I get from crushes. I am safe, since I'm married and all that. yeah yeah. So they can lay on thick layers of attention to me, and not have to commit to anything. I don't mind it. It isn't real- it's just a hair flip, ya know?? But I like it. I like the way it makes me feel. I feel... interesting and funny. I have something to look forward to, and I still don't have to do my makeup.
Maybe I should not be flirting with disaster such as this. Idle hands are the devils tools- and in my case an idle mind is the devils whorehouse. It's should be noted that the place is disease ridden and probably due for a raid by the authorities any day now. Meaning, something will slap me back into place and I will return to my life. But for now, I can be closed off an non committal, and still get excited when the phone rings.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
toys and a bit of bitching....
So I changed the background here. it's trippy. I dig it.
Last night I got my new selection of toys for review from Adam&Eve and a movie. 4 Words. Hot Jewish Porn Star. ha! Dont' believe me? Google: Joanna Angel. Smokin...
--
So it my ever changing emotional state, I despise the e-husband today. He's just pissing me off, big time and it seems like he's pushing me to say the things that he really doesn't want me to say. I was talking to my crush recently, and we were talking about the dynamics of my marriage. It's all a series of choices. Life is a series of hard choices, and I pray that he (and anyone else) never have to make some of the choices I've had to make. Not that I over importa-cize (huh?) my life- cause I know compared to some, my life is trivial and ridiculous. But you know, in the grand scheme of things- "things" being 'the world according to the most awesome twat around' - well it all matters to me.
So is it too soon to name one of my new toys after my crush???
Last night I got my new selection of toys for review from Adam&Eve and a movie. 4 Words. Hot Jewish Porn Star. ha! Dont' believe me? Google: Joanna Angel. Smokin...
--
So it my ever changing emotional state, I despise the e-husband today. He's just pissing me off, big time and it seems like he's pushing me to say the things that he really doesn't want me to say. I was talking to my crush recently, and we were talking about the dynamics of my marriage. It's all a series of choices. Life is a series of hard choices, and I pray that he (and anyone else) never have to make some of the choices I've had to make. Not that I over importa-cize (huh?) my life- cause I know compared to some, my life is trivial and ridiculous. But you know, in the grand scheme of things- "things" being 'the world according to the most awesome twat around' - well it all matters to me.
So is it too soon to name one of my new toys after my crush???
Friday, February 22, 2008
I ate healthy all week...
and all I lost was a lousy pound and a half!!
What-fucken ever.
I am down about 7 pounds which is not much and not enough. I have done what I did not want to do, was get totally obsessed with this. I think it's cause school is not very interesting right now. Major senior-itis. The good thing is that I do have lots of energy and I'm in a very good mood, I'm not sure if that is due to the better eating, or the boy I am crushing on, but nobody is asking.
I plan on having that countdown at the top of my blog until I graduate though- just so you are all aware... And maybe send me presents when I'm just a week away.
What-fucken ever.
I am down about 7 pounds which is not much and not enough. I have done what I did not want to do, was get totally obsessed with this. I think it's cause school is not very interesting right now. Major senior-itis. The good thing is that I do have lots of energy and I'm in a very good mood, I'm not sure if that is due to the better eating, or the boy I am crushing on, but nobody is asking.
I plan on having that countdown at the top of my blog until I graduate though- just so you are all aware... And maybe send me presents when I'm just a week away.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
smitten kitten
I met someone recently who makes me smile. That's it- just makes me smile. It's nice to have people like that. It's nice to look forward to the next time you talk to someone, just because you have things in common and it's a nice exchange. I guess I have a crush... yeah, I totally do.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
We all want to change the world.
I worked on Saturday. Normally I would groan about it, but it was another community awareness event that we sponsored. This program has been the single most frustrating work project because it was a big event with too many chiefs for any tribe.
In the end, it was about 300 people, mostly women, learning about stroke and heart disease and it was an insane success. I truly love working these events because my lack of clinical skill means that while my attendance in required- my job is to walk around and make sure things go smoothly. I got to talk to the attendees, answer the questions that I could answer, and basically be social and gracious all day long. Yes, I can be both of those things. I love community awareness events and while it was an exhausting day and I was glad to be home, I felt like for all the stress we accomplished something fantastic.
The e-husband is back in the hospital, which seems about right. It's been about 6 weeks since his last stay so he's on schedule I guess. He's been a big baby since he got there and I have done my best to enjoy not having to listen to him bitch. I realize that I have agreed, albeit reluctantly, to spend the rest of my days with this man, but I never agreed to be his emotional punching bag. I did not leave work to take him to the hospital, my sister was in the area so she picked him up and drove him there. I had offered for days previous to take him and he refused for one reason or another. Saturday he called me in the middled of the event and practically demanded that I come home and take him to the hospital. Giving up 9 hours of overtime and an event that I had a major hand in planning. No. Simply put, I said no. My sister being in the area was a fortunate coincidence and I made arrangement to get him help. My words were, "If you need help, then I can get you some, but I cannot help you right now."
Perhaps I should feel guilty, but I don't. It's not about the money, or even the job. It's about having some boundaries. If I dropped everything, every time he had a health emergency, I would never be able to do anything. I don't know if something being important to me is a trigger for him to get sick, or if it's just that he is just sick so often... Either way, I have to keep some sense of normalcy. I have to force myself to put my life first, because it is my life that makes all of our lives possible. I realize that he does not do this on purpose and it's not the same as him drinking or drugging, but this pattern is part of the same disease- and I cannot feed into it all the time. The resentment that goes along with that will destroy me. I know, I've been there.
Other than the usual drama... I saw movies this weekend. Lots of movies. Him being gone left me free to enjoy myself. I saw:
In the end, it was about 300 people, mostly women, learning about stroke and heart disease and it was an insane success. I truly love working these events because my lack of clinical skill means that while my attendance in required- my job is to walk around and make sure things go smoothly. I got to talk to the attendees, answer the questions that I could answer, and basically be social and gracious all day long. Yes, I can be both of those things. I love community awareness events and while it was an exhausting day and I was glad to be home, I felt like for all the stress we accomplished something fantastic.
The e-husband is back in the hospital, which seems about right. It's been about 6 weeks since his last stay so he's on schedule I guess. He's been a big baby since he got there and I have done my best to enjoy not having to listen to him bitch. I realize that I have agreed, albeit reluctantly, to spend the rest of my days with this man, but I never agreed to be his emotional punching bag. I did not leave work to take him to the hospital, my sister was in the area so she picked him up and drove him there. I had offered for days previous to take him and he refused for one reason or another. Saturday he called me in the middled of the event and practically demanded that I come home and take him to the hospital. Giving up 9 hours of overtime and an event that I had a major hand in planning. No. Simply put, I said no. My sister being in the area was a fortunate coincidence and I made arrangement to get him help. My words were, "If you need help, then I can get you some, but I cannot help you right now."
Perhaps I should feel guilty, but I don't. It's not about the money, or even the job. It's about having some boundaries. If I dropped everything, every time he had a health emergency, I would never be able to do anything. I don't know if something being important to me is a trigger for him to get sick, or if it's just that he is just sick so often... Either way, I have to keep some sense of normalcy. I have to force myself to put my life first, because it is my life that makes all of our lives possible. I realize that he does not do this on purpose and it's not the same as him drinking or drugging, but this pattern is part of the same disease- and I cannot feed into it all the time. The resentment that goes along with that will destroy me. I know, I've been there.
Other than the usual drama... I saw movies this weekend. Lots of movies. Him being gone left me free to enjoy myself. I saw:
- Atonement- a beautiful downer. An great story with wonderful acting and all that. But just kind of a downer. Doesn't leave you feeling warm and fuzzy.
- Sweeney Todd- a beautiful bleeder. Oh my god, all the blood. I knew what the story was about, I just didn't realize we got to SEE all of that.
- Juno- Love it. Love it. Love it. It the kind of movie that makes me love seeing movies.
- The Bucket List- Not a laugh out loud kind of movie, but considering the topic... you should not be shocked.
- Across the Universe- I love this soundtrack, it just makes it all worthwhile. If you like musicals and you like the Beatles... it's great. You say you want a revolution, well, you know..
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentines HNT
It's not new, but I made it red. It's Valentines day- blah blah...
Happy Valentines Day. Do ya love me??
Happy Valentines Day. Do ya love me??
Valentines Day Hair
I have Valentines Day hair. No, not messy hair cause I got LAID this morning. But messy hair because I woke up and realized that it ws Valentines day and I had not put together the VALENTINE'S for my kids' class. KIDS. PLURAL. Two boys. Two classes.
So I spent this morning rushing through 36 + 20 Valentines for 4 and 5 year olds. Doing my hair was not a priority. Coffee was not a priority. Well, not my FIRST priority...
So I spent this morning rushing through 36 + 20 Valentines for 4 and 5 year olds. Doing my hair was not a priority. Coffee was not a priority. Well, not my FIRST priority...
Monday, February 11, 2008
A survey that I stole.
1. is there someone who is always on your mind?
Yes, there are a few. Usually my kids, and a few others.
2. why did you stop liking the last person you liked?
Ummmm. probably because he made me crazy. No matter how much I love you, eventually you will make me crazy.
3. what is your name?
Julie, Julie, Julie- do ya love me.
4. have you ever been to california?
I live here!- suck THAT bitches!!!
5. how is life going for you right now?
Not bad, I have very few complaints.
6. do you miss your ex?
My ex husband? No- he's just a phone call away.
7. are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Yes.
8. who was the last person to comment you?
Someone who said he likes older women and would LOVE to fuck me. yeah, thanks.
9. regret(s)
Not taking better care of my teeth.
10. what was the last reason you cried?
Because I was sad, of course. I was having a sad conversation with someone I care about and after I got off the phone, I cried because the conversation did not resolve anything.
11. what was the first thing you said when you woke up today?
Sure, that's no problem baby.
12. is there a reason for your myspace song?
I am not sure what my song is right now... but I probably was in that kinda mood or something.
13. do you have a best friend?
Yes.
14. what was the reason your last relationship failed?
My last MARRIAGE failed because of money, sex and the fact that we could not stand each other.
15. have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends?
Yes- usually because I made a snap judgement.
16. ever had something kinky done to you without expecting it?
Yes, that is when it's best.
17. do you own a pair of green pants?
They are dark khaki green and I have a matching shirt too. (Scrubs)
18. are you more independent or dependent?
I guess more independent, but only out of necessity. I think by nature, I tend to be more needy, but I have learned that I can't do that.
19. ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
Apparently this survey was written for teenagers or younger, I think I want to write a survey for adults.
20. do you believe that what comes around goes around?
God- I HOPE NOT!!!
21. what is your favorite fruit?
Bananas because they are quick, can be eaten on the go and are notmessy.
22. what is the most important thing in any relationship?
Compromise. (well said Josh.)
23. what is the last song to make you cry?
Stay, from Sugarland
24. does anyone love you?
Yes.
25. do you love someone?
Yes.
26. is your best friend pretty?
Yes- but it really would not matter if the answer was no.
27. have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Several times- manage to dig deeper each time.
28. do you trust people easily?
Yes- it takes too much energy NOT to and I recover quickly.
29. whats the one thing that always gets you through the day?
It's a toss up. Sometimes it's my kids, sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's just a good cup of coffee.
30. favorite kids' book?
Santa Mouse
31. last time you got laid?
That depends on your definition.
32. where is one place you want to visit?
Colorado.
33. do you like hugs or do you freak when people hug you?
I like hugs. It's hard not to smile when you get a hug, even from a stranger.
34. ever felt that no one relates to you?
Yes, when it's about the e-husband, I often feel that nobody understands and therefore it can be a very lonely feeling when I am struggling.
35. had plans and broke them?
No- I always show up for everything, ever time. Yeah- right.
36. done anything illegal?
Yes- I once drove half a block with no seat belt on.
37. There was no question for # 37, so I will make up my own answer.
38D
38. are you a vegetarian?
No, meat is delicious. Go MEAT!
39. have you ever had surgery?
Yes, thre C-sections and an appendectomy.
40. who are you jealous of?
You know, everyone has thier problems. It would be easy for me to say someone who has a good marriage, or someone who has a perfect body- but you know, even those people would probably love to trade lives with someone else. I guess I am not jealous of anyone really- except maybe of people who can carry a tune. I don't want to be able to sing really good, but I would like it if I was not embarassed by my singing voice.
41. are you a lover or hater?
That depends on who you ask.
42. do you think your ex's new love is a player/hoochie?My ex's last girlfriend is a really nice girl. They are broken up now, and that kinda makes me sad, but she and I will remain friends- even though my ex husband will not like it.
43. what does your best friend call you?
Jules
44. if it's consensual, do you like pain during sex?
Yes, but it's even better when it's nonconsensual.
45. what were you doing 4 hours ago?
Sleeping
46. have you ever called 911?
Yes. My husband had passed out and he had a procedure done earlier in the day so I thought maybe it was something else. Shocker, he was just drunk and had passed out and almost landed with his face in the cat box. Good times.
47. next vacation you're going on?
I don't know.
48. have you ever crawled through a window?
I don't think so.
49. has anyone ever crawled through your window?
Hee hee, yes.
50. what would you tell your ex if you had the chance?
My ex husband? You should have tried harder with her and she would not have left you. But not with me, I was totally outta there!!
Yes, there are a few. Usually my kids, and a few others.
2. why did you stop liking the last person you liked?
Ummmm. probably because he made me crazy. No matter how much I love you, eventually you will make me crazy.
3. what is your name?
Julie, Julie, Julie- do ya love me.
4. have you ever been to california?
I live here!- suck THAT bitches!!!
5. how is life going for you right now?
Not bad, I have very few complaints.
6. do you miss your ex?
My ex husband? No- he's just a phone call away.
7. are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Yes.
8. who was the last person to comment you?
Someone who said he likes older women and would LOVE to fuck me. yeah, thanks.
9. regret(s)
Not taking better care of my teeth.
10. what was the last reason you cried?
Because I was sad, of course. I was having a sad conversation with someone I care about and after I got off the phone, I cried because the conversation did not resolve anything.
11. what was the first thing you said when you woke up today?
Sure, that's no problem baby.
12. is there a reason for your myspace song?
I am not sure what my song is right now... but I probably was in that kinda mood or something.
13. do you have a best friend?
Yes.
14. what was the reason your last relationship failed?
My last MARRIAGE failed because of money, sex and the fact that we could not stand each other.
15. have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends?
Yes- usually because I made a snap judgement.
16. ever had something kinky done to you without expecting it?
Yes, that is when it's best.
17. do you own a pair of green pants?
They are dark khaki green and I have a matching shirt too. (Scrubs)
18. are you more independent or dependent?
I guess more independent, but only out of necessity. I think by nature, I tend to be more needy, but I have learned that I can't do that.
19. ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
Apparently this survey was written for teenagers or younger, I think I want to write a survey for adults.
20. do you believe that what comes around goes around?
God- I HOPE NOT!!!
21. what is your favorite fruit?
Bananas because they are quick, can be eaten on the go and are notmessy.
22. what is the most important thing in any relationship?
Compromise. (well said Josh.)
23. what is the last song to make you cry?
Stay, from Sugarland
24. does anyone love you?
Yes.
25. do you love someone?
Yes.
26. is your best friend pretty?
Yes- but it really would not matter if the answer was no.
27. have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Several times- manage to dig deeper each time.
28. do you trust people easily?
Yes- it takes too much energy NOT to and I recover quickly.
29. whats the one thing that always gets you through the day?
It's a toss up. Sometimes it's my kids, sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's just a good cup of coffee.
30. favorite kids' book?
Santa Mouse
31. last time you got laid?
That depends on your definition.
32. where is one place you want to visit?
Colorado.
33. do you like hugs or do you freak when people hug you?
I like hugs. It's hard not to smile when you get a hug, even from a stranger.
34. ever felt that no one relates to you?
Yes, when it's about the e-husband, I often feel that nobody understands and therefore it can be a very lonely feeling when I am struggling.
35. had plans and broke them?
No- I always show up for everything, ever time. Yeah- right.
36. done anything illegal?
Yes- I once drove half a block with no seat belt on.
37. There was no question for # 37, so I will make up my own answer.
38D
38. are you a vegetarian?
No, meat is delicious. Go MEAT!
39. have you ever had surgery?
Yes, thre C-sections and an appendectomy.
40. who are you jealous of?
You know, everyone has thier problems. It would be easy for me to say someone who has a good marriage, or someone who has a perfect body- but you know, even those people would probably love to trade lives with someone else. I guess I am not jealous of anyone really- except maybe of people who can carry a tune. I don't want to be able to sing really good, but I would like it if I was not embarassed by my singing voice.
41. are you a lover or hater?
That depends on who you ask.
42. do you think your ex's new love is a player/hoochie?My ex's last girlfriend is a really nice girl. They are broken up now, and that kinda makes me sad, but she and I will remain friends- even though my ex husband will not like it.
43. what does your best friend call you?
Jules
44. if it's consensual, do you like pain during sex?
Yes, but it's even better when it's nonconsensual.
45. what were you doing 4 hours ago?
Sleeping
46. have you ever called 911?
Yes. My husband had passed out and he had a procedure done earlier in the day so I thought maybe it was something else. Shocker, he was just drunk and had passed out and almost landed with his face in the cat box. Good times.
47. next vacation you're going on?
I don't know.
48. have you ever crawled through a window?
I don't think so.
49. has anyone ever crawled through your window?
Hee hee, yes.
50. what would you tell your ex if you had the chance?
My ex husband? You should have tried harder with her and she would not have left you. But not with me, I was totally outta there!!
Saturday, February 09, 2008
More than Wonderful
I went to a memorial service yesterday at work. A full 90 minute memorial service, held at work yesterday. I am lucky to work in a place that allows that sort of thing, and does not at all discourage employees from attending them.
Derrick Lewis, who I found out yesterday, was Pastor Derrick Lewis worked as a Public Safety Officer at the hospital. That is how I knew him. He was the security guard who worked at the front desk and he was the first person I met on my first day there. Perhaps I looked lost, but he reached over and touched my shoulder, and said, "Good morning there miss!" and he had a very warm smile. I told him it was my first day and he said "well good luck to ya! I hope I see you again tomorrow!" Every morning he would greet me and every other employee or hospital guest who would walk by.
Over the next year, I would stop and chat with him, asking him how his weekend went, how his kids were. He gave me really good potty training advice. Once when the e-husband was in the hospital, he saw me looking distraught and he talked to me, encouraging me to stay strong, I remember he put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Stay strong sister. You just stay strong." and he hugged me. Some mornings I would just ask him how he was doing and his answer was always the same, "I'm more than wonderful." Eventually when he would asked how I was, I would reply, "I'm much better for seeing you, my friend." I suspect he had this rapport with many people. He was that kind of guy and when he was standing up at the front desk, I was never too busy to say hello and receive his morning greeting.
He left the hospital early in 2007 for reasons unknown. He died on January 18th. He had a massive stroke and died within a few days, I was told. Yesterday the hospital held a memorial service for him and there were about 100 employees there. It was a very religious service, as I learned that he was a pastor at a church not too far from here. His wife came with two of their four young children. There was singing, there was praying, raising of arms. "Amens!" "Praise Jesus'" and all the things that you would imagine in a Baptist memorial service. It was wonderful. More than wonderful- just like Derrick.
He will be missed by so many, but so many were truly blessed by the way he touched our lives and we are all better for knowing him.
Derrick Lewis, who I found out yesterday, was Pastor Derrick Lewis worked as a Public Safety Officer at the hospital. That is how I knew him. He was the security guard who worked at the front desk and he was the first person I met on my first day there. Perhaps I looked lost, but he reached over and touched my shoulder, and said, "Good morning there miss!" and he had a very warm smile. I told him it was my first day and he said "well good luck to ya! I hope I see you again tomorrow!" Every morning he would greet me and every other employee or hospital guest who would walk by.
Over the next year, I would stop and chat with him, asking him how his weekend went, how his kids were. He gave me really good potty training advice. Once when the e-husband was in the hospital, he saw me looking distraught and he talked to me, encouraging me to stay strong, I remember he put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Stay strong sister. You just stay strong." and he hugged me. Some mornings I would just ask him how he was doing and his answer was always the same, "I'm more than wonderful." Eventually when he would asked how I was, I would reply, "I'm much better for seeing you, my friend." I suspect he had this rapport with many people. He was that kind of guy and when he was standing up at the front desk, I was never too busy to say hello and receive his morning greeting.
He left the hospital early in 2007 for reasons unknown. He died on January 18th. He had a massive stroke and died within a few days, I was told. Yesterday the hospital held a memorial service for him and there were about 100 employees there. It was a very religious service, as I learned that he was a pastor at a church not too far from here. His wife came with two of their four young children. There was singing, there was praying, raising of arms. "Amens!" "Praise Jesus'" and all the things that you would imagine in a Baptist memorial service. It was wonderful. More than wonderful- just like Derrick.
He will be missed by so many, but so many were truly blessed by the way he touched our lives and we are all better for knowing him.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Scott Baio is a whiny little girl.
I'm watching Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant. I did not watch Season One, but I am watching the first show of THIS season in which he is dealing with his upcoming fatherhood. The first episode here takes you through the first 30 some odd weeks of the pregnancy. He's going to be a father in less than three months, and this guy is STILL whining. He doesn't want to know the sex (which is concealed in an envelope) because he does not want to face that it's real. He takes a daddy to be class and is FREAKED out when a real baby is passed around. He still wants to just coast through life.
I understand wanting to hang on to your bachelorhood and all that, but you know- at age 46- it should not take that long to at least GRASP on to the idea that you are going to have a baby.
Come on Scott, take off your dress and lets end this tea party!!!
I understand wanting to hang on to your bachelorhood and all that, but you know- at age 46- it should not take that long to at least GRASP on to the idea that you are going to have a baby.
Come on Scott, take off your dress and lets end this tea party!!!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
TMI Tuesday
Super Tuesday no less. There is still so much I have to learn about this process- I didn't realize that not all states have a primary, so I feel even more priviledged to have been a part of todays voting. I voted this morning before I came to work, JUST so I could wear my sticker proudly. I voted for Obama, and I feel very good about that decision.
My son doesn't seem to care about how exciting this is, even though the last time I voted, I brought him with me because I wanted him to understand how important this is- he didn't care when he was 10, but hopefully he will be more interested come November. I will have to make a point to talk about it with him because apparently it's not happening at school.
So here's my TMI Tuesday!! If you can, vote today!!
1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?
I've always been known as Jewels.
2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?
I wish I had taken better care of my teeth, gotten braces when I was working at the Wherehouse and it was covered well by the insurance I was offered.
4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?
Cereal. I LOVE cereal. It's fast, filling, and YUMMY.
5. What is the oldest item of clothing (not jewelry!) that you wear regularly and what do you love about it?
I have a pair of black pants that are kind of nice looking that I've had for about 7 years and I still wear them alot. They still fit, they are the right length and they have not faded!!
Bonus (as in optional):Name a movie or TV show that changed your thinking or behavior.
RX for Survival made me decide to change my major to Public Health instead of Health Care Administration. It really opened my eyes and inspired me
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/rxforsurvival/series/video/index.html
This is the link and you can watch some of the individual stories.
I hope it inspires you too.
My son doesn't seem to care about how exciting this is, even though the last time I voted, I brought him with me because I wanted him to understand how important this is- he didn't care when he was 10, but hopefully he will be more interested come November. I will have to make a point to talk about it with him because apparently it's not happening at school.
So here's my TMI Tuesday!! If you can, vote today!!
1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?
I've always been known as Jewels.
2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?
I wish I had taken better care of my teeth, gotten braces when I was working at the Wherehouse and it was covered well by the insurance I was offered.
4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?
Cereal. I LOVE cereal. It's fast, filling, and YUMMY.
5. What is the oldest item of clothing (not jewelry!) that you wear regularly and what do you love about it?
I have a pair of black pants that are kind of nice looking that I've had for about 7 years and I still wear them alot. They still fit, they are the right length and they have not faded!!
Bonus (as in optional):Name a movie or TV show that changed your thinking or behavior.
RX for Survival made me decide to change my major to Public Health instead of Health Care Administration. It really opened my eyes and inspired me
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/rxforsurvival/series/video/index.html
This is the link and you can watch some of the individual stories.
I hope it inspires you too.
Monday, February 04, 2008
The "Who what why" for Super Tuesday
Last night at a superbowl party I was somewhat involved, meaning I asked questions, in a conversation regarding the two democratic candidates. I am not very politically conscious, and I could even go so far as to calling myself 'uninformed' - but I try to pay attention when it's important and I think it is a great privilege to be a part of the voting process. I am still undecided about tomorrow, and I like many Democrats like myself (meaning Democrat but widely uninvolved in todays politics) are unsure about which candidate to vote for tomorrow.
This converstion that I was somewhat involved in was with two socially, politically informed, conscious and responsible people that I have known for some time and respect for thier intelligence and not 'talking out of thier ass'edness. They both seemed very pro-Obama, and not exactly anti-Hilary, but somewhat untrusting, saying that she was very corporate minded and that is worrisome and perhaps she's simply a fast talker. He told me a little bit about Hilary and Wal-Mart, which I did not know. And I also admit that I did not know that Wal-Mart was anti-union and I feel a bit guilty for shopping there. (Are they STILL not unionized?) See how uninformed I am?? What an ass.
Either way, so while I think I was leaning towards Hilary before yesterday, today I am just as unsure as I was before the California debate in which Hilary impressed me. Maybe I am impressed by fast talking and the idea of a woman in office, but perhaps she's not the right woman? I have a day to ponder this.
Keith, one of the conversants, said, "Just Vote Julie. Vote your conscious, but make sure you vote . It really does matter."
I know it does- I just want to be able to back up my decision.
Please, share your thoughtful opinions with me.
This converstion that I was somewhat involved in was with two socially, politically informed, conscious and responsible people that I have known for some time and respect for thier intelligence and not 'talking out of thier ass'edness. They both seemed very pro-Obama, and not exactly anti-Hilary, but somewhat untrusting, saying that she was very corporate minded and that is worrisome and perhaps she's simply a fast talker. He told me a little bit about Hilary and Wal-Mart, which I did not know. And I also admit that I did not know that Wal-Mart was anti-union and I feel a bit guilty for shopping there. (Are they STILL not unionized?) See how uninformed I am?? What an ass.
Either way, so while I think I was leaning towards Hilary before yesterday, today I am just as unsure as I was before the California debate in which Hilary impressed me. Maybe I am impressed by fast talking and the idea of a woman in office, but perhaps she's not the right woman? I have a day to ponder this.
Keith, one of the conversants, said, "Just Vote Julie. Vote your conscious, but make sure you vote . It really does matter."
I know it does- I just want to be able to back up my decision.
Please, share your thoughtful opinions with me.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Sunday thoughts...
15 weeks left of school. Graduation is May 28, two weeks later. I'm so there. I was just telling e-husband that I have had bad relationships last longer than 15 weeks!! I can totally do this. So far my classes look challenging and there will be a lot of work and writing involved, but nothing I can't handle. Shit, what is there that I can't handle these days??
--
I joined Weight Watchers and I lost 4.4 pounds my first week. I won't say much more about that.
--
After 7 trips to the Middle East, my bad ass motherfucker brother, Rick, has retired from the Marine Corps. There is a link in my side-bar regarding his last trip to Iraq, which he returned late 2006. Mr Gunny. 21 in years in the Marines. He's seen and experienced so much and I'm so proud of him.
--
Still potty training... getting closer. He has the peeing down pretty good, but he still isn't ready to poop in the potty, and if I pressure him, he gets constipated, so it works against me. Patience.... At least he usually waits till he is wearing a pull up... usually. grrrrr
--
Oh- last week the e-husband had the endoscopic ultrasound and the esophagogastroduodenoscopy , yeah say that three times fast. Bottom line, no cancer. He has some pancreatic stones that they can remove and that may reduce some of his pain, but nothing that will actually FIX anything. I think maybe he was hoping for cancer, so at least he had something to hang on to... I guess I cannot blame him. "Guess what Mr. E-husband, you aren't dying, you just get to stay sick and miserable for maybe another 40 years!!" yeah, it's a bitter sweet diagnosis.
--
Other than that, not much has changed. Life moves on, with me or without me.
--
I joined Weight Watchers and I lost 4.4 pounds my first week. I won't say much more about that.
--
After 7 trips to the Middle East, my bad ass motherfucker brother, Rick, has retired from the Marine Corps. There is a link in my side-bar regarding his last trip to Iraq, which he returned late 2006. Mr Gunny. 21 in years in the Marines. He's seen and experienced so much and I'm so proud of him.
--
Still potty training... getting closer. He has the peeing down pretty good, but he still isn't ready to poop in the potty, and if I pressure him, he gets constipated, so it works against me. Patience.... At least he usually waits till he is wearing a pull up... usually. grrrrr
--
Oh- last week the e-husband had the endoscopic ultrasound and the esophagogastroduodenoscopy , yeah say that three times fast. Bottom line, no cancer. He has some pancreatic stones that they can remove and that may reduce some of his pain, but nothing that will actually FIX anything. I think maybe he was hoping for cancer, so at least he had something to hang on to... I guess I cannot blame him. "Guess what Mr. E-husband, you aren't dying, you just get to stay sick and miserable for maybe another 40 years!!" yeah, it's a bitter sweet diagnosis.
--
Other than that, not much has changed. Life moves on, with me or without me.
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