introspective HNT

Please don't tell me how to feel. I really hate that.

100 reasons why it's great to be a woman!!

seriously....

Google's love quote of the day.

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."
-Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life. (1977).





ahhh- that's so sweet I could throw up.

TMI Tuesday #109

1. Have you ever met a fellow blogger in person?
You know- I haven't. Which is strange to say. Because I feel like I have. There are a few bloggers I have been talking to, or reading for a while now. Those I feel a friendship with that technically I have never met. Weird.

2. Did you ever play an innocent game of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"?
I don't know if it was ever innocent.

3. When did you get your first not so innocent kiss?
I was in 6th grade. Kevin Reisler. I didn't know I was supposed to breathe through my nose. classy, huh??

4. Have you ever awoke with someone who's name you did not remember?
OMG, yes. I was a junior in high school and I was at a party and I passed out, and when I came to I was sleeping next to a guy I had talked to at the party. I didn't know him and I started screaming. His name was Ed- and we ended up dating later. And shorty after graduation we had three straight nights of really hot sex, and I haven't seen him since.

5. Have you ever let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?
Of course, that's what taking showers together are for!!

Bonus (as in optional): What makes a great first date for you?
Being comortable. Not trying to force conversation. Being taken to a place that is within my element. Laughing a lot.

Happy Blech-day to me.

36. I'm 36 years old. I celebrated my 36th birthday by having the annual birthday alaskan king crab legs with my dad and sibs who share the birthday week with me. I came home to food poisoning.

Maybe I wasn't poisoned. I didn't FEEL poisoned. One of the girls at work was hospitalized with food poisoning. Granted, around midnight, I thought about going to the ER, because I was sweating and freezing. Vomiting and everything else unpleasant until this afternoon. I have stopped vomiting, but the everything else unpleasant is still in full force. Lovely. I'm still sweating and freezing. I spent most of the day in bed with the air conditioning on, under an electric blanket. So while I don't FEEL poisoned, I still feel really fucken lousy.

I'm going to hope that this birthday is not indicative of the entire year- I don't think my ass can take it. ugh...

See me writing....

So I have decided, with some encouragement from some...um...fans, to put together a collection of my posts from my other blog and publish them. I have gotten feedback from some other self-publishers on a site/company to use and I am in the process. It's weird reading my own stuff in one sitting while I am going through and editing.

It's written in a blogging format. Informal. Strange grammar. Words that sort of hang there. Excessive use of the words throbbing and aching. Using the word "cock" too many times in once sentence. And reading one story after another, grouped together by topic, it seems repetitive. Blowjob after blowjob after blowjob... enough with the blowjobs already!! My thought was to group the tales (two to six pages each) by category so you can flip to the 'sections' you like, even though no story focuses in just one category. But then maybe I should rank them from Vanilla to Violence.

I considered, why would anyone buy it, if they can read it for free. This is a very good point, but I know what people are usually doing, or getting ready to do when they are cruising sex blogs- so maybe it might be easier to do if you have a book. I always prefer it. I mean, the minute I take my laptop to bed with me, the e-husband knows what I'm doing.

I'm excited about it, and even though probably won't make me rich it's still something cool to do to prove I've done something. I just have to think of a pen name although I'm tempted to use my real name. I mean, who gives a fuck, right? I doubt my mother is going to be googling my name anytime soon. And if she does, well, she used to read Jackie Collins. Although my last name doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Any thoughts??

HNT- If I knew then

Here I am, age 6. This girl wanted to be a dancer on Broadway.


(yeah, go ahead- click em)

Fast forward, 30 years later. This woman hasn't taken a dance class in 17 years. She just wants a nap.

If I could go back and change things. I would have kept dancing. I would have gone to law school. I would have gotten braces.

My plan is to start Graduate School the weekend after Graduation. I guess my life will not have been a total waste.

Happy HNT

so much for lunch

I don't usually get all excited about food that I bring for lunch from home. Left overs, ravioli and Lean Cuisine's are usually acceptable enough but unless it's my favorite chicken then I am pretty luke warm about lunch that I bring from home.



On Sunday, I found these at Sam's Club.





SO damn yummy. $8.88 for 5 sandwiches that take about 2 minutes to cook. Dripping with this smoked cheese. It was so good I was licking the drippy cheese from my plate.


Here's where it goes awry.


Delicious Flatbread sandwiches


Julie- 1
ehusband- 4


WHAT THE FUCK!!! I had ONE yesterday for lunch. This morning when I went to get another for lunch today. They were gone. There were 3 yesterday. I took one for lunch and he ate the other two.

Hello ehusband!!! Would it kill ya to remember me on occasion. Perhaps act as if you are not the only person in the house who eats! And you know, you throw up most of your food anyway- why do you have to eat all the GOOD stuff??

Now I know why my mom used to put her name on her stuff!!

Have you seen this movie??

It was on TBS recently, and I happen to own it. I also happen to LOVE it. If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's just a funny and sweet movie and sometimes it's nice when the obvious doesn't happen.

I like Adam Sandler in these romantic comedy roles, even though I'm not a huge fan of his more popular movies like Billy Madison or The Waterboy.

Anyway- I think one of the greatest compliments I ever heard in a movie comes from this movie. Can you guess which one it is??

It's a Fat World After All

I heard on the radio yesterday that Disneyland is going to be closing down "It's A Small World" so they can dig out a few more inches and change to more bouyant boats?? Why? because we are 25% fatter than we used to be and the boats are bottoming out and getting stuck.

Here's the scenario. The Disney employee ride operator sees that two "hefty" sized persons are getting on the ride in the same boat. He wants to put less people on the boat, to compensate for weight, but there's a lot of people waiting. And they don't want to see a boat that could fit 4 or 5 more people! So they fill the boat and off the go. At certain parts of the ride, probably a corner- the boat hits the bottom- and won't move. Boat comes up behind it- and another, and another. So now there are 2, 3,4...FIVE boats lined up because one boat is stuck?? Why?? Because that boat is resting on the bottom of the pathway because there is too much weight.

A comment in the article I read was also made that the people waiting for the front boat to get moving are also driven crazy by the annoying music!!

So around comes the employee to the first boat. And asks either the two "hefty passengers" or five or six regular sized passengers to please exit the boat and leave through an emergency door. The embarrassment! The horror of it!! Good Lord.

So Disneyland is going to compensate for our fat asses. They will also be doing this with Pirates of the Carribean.

It was either that- or they put scales outside of the ride. You must be have a BMI less than 30 to ride this ride!!

25 peeps celebrity

So I'm in the 25 peeps Hall of Fame. I'm fucking #5.

Now I have no idea how they can say that considering I think the site was abandoned for a while. But it seems to be back up, and now it's up and running, without me on the top page. That's ok, cause now I can stop looking at that page. I was up for 6 months and now I'm famous.

Rock on.

I am objectionable and not safe for work.

"Some readers of this blog have contacted Google because they believe this blog's content is objectionable."

If you log on to my other blog, this is the warning that Google will give you. My blog is objectionable. Objectionable?? People object?? Well you know you can't go my blog, via typing in the URL and NOT KNOW that it's objectionable. It's obviously objectionable. If "skankycheerleadersluts.com" is not your brand of whiskey, don't type it in- and then get all offended by it. HELLO genius, welcome to the internet. But then I'm curious who is flagging me as objectionable.



Either way, it concerns me that I am being flagged as objectionable. Why don't people like me? Hello, I'm good. I mean, the other blog is good. I'm super fucking proud of it. Besides, what's not to like about me. I'm SO likeable, aren't I??

I've been getting a handful of emails asking about my other blog. Well if you READ adult blogs, then I am sure you've probably seen mine at least once- but most likely more than twice. I am in pretty good circulation lately. Just changing the world, one dirty story at a time. I'm a traffic whore though. Lately I've been picked up by "youporn" so my traffic has been hella crazy this week. Wednesday I had 9000 hits. HOLY PORNO, batman- that's a LOT!! So if you read sex lots of blogs, take a minute and think of who I may be- and you may be right. But I may be crazy.

Half Nekkid Thursday

I didn't take a Halloween themed picture - but I did snap this one earlier this week. No my boobs are NOT lopsided, it's cause one hand is up and... oh forget it. I got nice tits. Take em or leave em. I prefer you take. lol




Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

Happy Halloween

whatever... this evening has felt much like this for me, and I'm not the big pumpkin either.



Holidays are historically bad and today was not much of an excepti0n. I did take Gabe trick or treating which was pretty cool because I was able to ignore e-husband who was discharged from the hospital (again) today and he is about as pleasant to be around as a yeast infection.

Mood- bad.
Attitude- negative.
Tone- condescending.
Welcome- outstayed.

hey shawwty- it's your birthday....

Well it's not my birthday yet, but it's coming. About two weeks away on the 11th. It falls on a Sunday this year. I have nothing planned. The girls at work will either throw me a potluck, or we can go to a local bar/ restaurant or whatever I want. I can't decide really.

I have been asked by my husband, my son and my mother in law what I would like for my birthday. It's always a weird question for me because I tend to NEED things, more than I want things. It's hard for me to justify asking for frivolous things when I really need a carpet steamer, or you know, food. My mother in law, if I so request, will gladly give me a gift card to Sam's Club where I will ultimately buy food that satisfies the taste buds of the 4 men in my house, and perhaps pick up a jumbo can of my favorite potato cheese soup and some powdered chai tea.

But in the interest of fun- I thought I would put together a list of 'wants'- even if they are kind of 'needy'.



1) Dane Cook's new DVD which comes out on Nov. 13th.

2) itunes gift cards

3) A new white or beige bra from Lane Bryant like the one I have. Size 38 D please. (or a gift card will do.)

4) bluetooth headset

5) wireless keyboard and mouse for my desktop

6) a second pair of croqs, mary jane style, size 7- a dark color.

7) a warm fleece hoodie, a really good brand name one that will last forever.

8) ankle socks, all white (no colored heel)

9) MAC brand mascara

10) a babysitter... for 48 hours over a weekend... to take my kids away so I can (in no particular order): sleep, watch TV, see a movie, eat at a nice restaurant, drink, fuck, shop and many other things with my husband. The alternative is that would be for someone to come to my house to watch the kids, and I can leave the apartment, and leave town altogether.

Well, it's worth a shot right??

Uganda-lirious

That's about where I'm at. It's 11PM, and no I'm not in Uganda. I'm in the midst of writing a paper about their health care system, or lack of one. I wrote 5 pages when I realized the difference between a research paper and a critical essay. So about two pages are out, and about 4 pages were added. Lovely. Now to read it aloud, edit it, and possibly add sentences because it is a minimum of 1500 words and I have 1509. It is a better paper. I have taken a position.

I am glad I do not live in Uganda.

Duh.

I do not have to report for Jury duty tomorrow either. I was hoping. I had another conversation with someone who does all she can to get out of jury duty. I'm a student, I have no money I can't be here. My boss claims that if.when she gets called she will just say that she hates the government and hates cops and thinks our entire legal system is bullshit. Maybe I'm just weird, maybe I don't like conflict. Perhaps I question the motives of people who claim to HATE COPS, hate the legal system, and hate our government. I'm not exactly a political fanatic or even well educated on the topic- but you know- in all it's simplicity, it could be worse- I could live somewhere that is NOT the US. Again, no political debates here- it's just my personal opinion. I don't blindly trust the government, but I don't outwardly hate everything about and related to it either. I'm sure that the Founding Fathers had good intentions, but you know, allowing men with ego's to tweak anything for long enough, it will become just a shadow of what it's intention was. I won't go off. I don't have enough knowledge about it. Just my simplistic thoughts.

If I could approach everything that way.

I saw small table set up outside the local grocery store yesterday that said "Ditch Cheney Now."
Ummmm, now like a said, I am not always so up to the moment with my political stuff, but isn't that campaign several years too late?? Way to stay on top of things- douchebags!

Leaving the parking lot, I also saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm only driving this fast because I really have to poop." It still makes me laugh thinking about that.

Damn, that reminds me- it's 11:15 and I still have to go to the grocery store to buy pull up diapers for Danny.

poop.

(giggling)

Is thirty seconds enough??

How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home? Is thirty seconds enough?
--
I'm not a cuddler. I'm just not. Thirty seconds is enough, perhaps a minute. Up to 5 minutes if it's cold, or if I'm really tired, or if I'm sad and/or crying. I can't imagine it being longer than that. If I cuddle up to the e-husband on the couch, it's because I know HE is not a couch-cuddler and he will most definitely tell me within seconds of my head hitting his shoulder that he was just about to get up. To which my reply is usually, "oh?- can you get me something to drink?"

Last night after sex, he decided he wanted to cuddle. He curled up behind me and we were spooning. AFTER the sex. I am just not sure what to do with this. This is the same move he makes before the sex- rarely does he do it after sex. So there I was, post-orgasm, and he was laid up behind me, his arm draped over my body, and hugging me. Holding me.

And there I was, starting to feel the anxiety crawl up my spine and my heart rate quicken. I can't help this, it just happens. I just need space. Fresh air. My emotional closed-off-ed-ness kicks into overdrive and I'm mildly claustrophobic. I realized quickly that the only thing better than the two of us sleeping on separate sides of the bed, is having the bed to myself. So for him to have semi-presence back in my bed, and now becoming a cuddly sleeper... well, you can understand my emotional distress.

Being in the receiving position, I could not do the "Hug and Roll" :

Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollllll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you!

I didn't want want to just shake him off and I knew that rolling on my stomach would not be enough. I waited the few LONG minutes for his breathing to steady, and then I reached away for a drink of water. Breaking all contact with him, except the arm flung too comfortably over my side. I took a really long drink of water, and then laid back down. Back in the spooning positing, but NOT touching.

There was a good 6 inches between us, and just his arm still over my body. It was good. It was space, it was....enough.

Until he tried to scoot back towards me, on my side of the bed. AHHH!! You're killin me man!!

At that point I realized I had to escape it. I was ready to pull out my hair, my chest was pounding against my ribs and the muscles in my neck were starting to pinch. So I pulled a horrendous guy move. I got out of bed. I sat up, climbed off the bed, grabbed my waterglass and left the room. When I came back, he was laying back on his side, facing outwards. So I climbed back to my side of the bed, the far side. The cuddle-free zone.
--
Look, I'm just NOT a cuddler.

It doesn't make me a bad person.

Isn't English your FIRST language??

I got Alex's progress report yesterday. He is not doing very well in school. I was really disappointed. Really. Disappointed.

This is a progress report, not THEE report card. I guess it's a heads up that, hey- your kid is GOING to be getting these exact shitty grades in 4 weeks. It's frustrating because Alex is a smart kid. He consistently gets A's and B's- and in the rare case that he fails a test or something, he still manages to pull of the grades. I have never really made a huge deal of Alex's schoolwork before, because he just does well.

Well, apparently those days are over.

I was frustrated and very confused about it. He wasn't doing this bad when I was at Back to School night a month ago. Something must be very wrong here. I emailed the teachers in the classes he is struggling in. Math and English, ok- I can understand that. Math is hard for me, I suspect it will be hard for Alex. We have been working on his math homework at night, and he says that his grade is currently better than what the progress report says as it came out a week ago and he just turned in a project and took a test that he did alright on, he says.

He went to 6th grade in North Carolina, and did pretty well. He told me that in 6th grade, out there, he basically knew everything already because he learned it in 5th grade, out HERE. So it seems that he had no 6th grade education, just two 5th grades. I don't know, maybe that's an excuse. He said that his English Teacher will say things like, "like you learned back in 6th grade" only he didn't learn them in HIS 6th grade. I'm not sure.

His last class with the crappy grade is Home Ec. There is never any homework- the problem is that he does the classwork, but he just doesn't turn it in. Perhaps he can't find it? His backpack is a mess. We go through it almost daily. He is starting an Organizational Skills class (that one of his teachers recommended for him.) Perhaps that will help.

In the mean time, he is grounded. No playing outside, NO computer, NO video games. Until he gets his report card, and those grades are up. I have not told his father yet. (Shhhhhh April). Nor have I told my mom (who watches him after school). I have emailed the teachers, and hopefully they can shed some light in the situation. If there is anything he can do to improve his grade in the next month, and what can I do to help, hopefully they will let me know.

I know that the 'others' will come down hard on him. Tell him he's stupid and lazy, blah blah blah. They seem to communicate in humiliation and shame. I don't believe in that- and I think it will only make it worse. I think he needs to know that I am on his side and that I'm here to help. NOT that I think he's stupid, cause I know he's not. He just needs a little help, a little direction, and perhaps needs some help to get focused.

HNT.

So the air quality almost everywhere in So Cal is "unhealthy". I live somewhat in between the fires. 20-30 miles in both directions. So I'm not inhaling pure black smoke, but it's definately grey and ashy. It is wreaking havoc on everyone's sinuses, with the Santa Ana winds and such. I am rubbing the hell out of my eyes. You can tell.

The day after I took this picture, one eye was so red and swollen half shut from all the rubbing and itching it looked like I had been hit! sexy huh??



My heart goes out to those who are displaced and/or homeless. The itchy eyes and some mildly labored breathing is nothing by comparison to the total devastation out here. This is probably the worst fire season we've had out here. The Malibu Fire is 100% contained- lets hope the rest can be soon.

You can see the latest coverage here.

More medical record funnies

The patient's hospital course was uneventful. Once admitted to the floor the patient had a large bowel movement which relieved her problem.


---
That's like the phenomena of paying for an expensive pregnancy test will make you start your period. Sort of.

distracted

I have jury duty this week. I haven't been called for Jury Duty since 1998 or something like that. I called in on Saturday and was told I did not have to report monday, and call back on Monday night.

I FORGOT TO CALL- and of course I WAS supposed to report this morning. I'm one of very few people who look forward to the opportunity to be on a jury- and I forgot to call in. I'm rescheduled for next week- but damn.

It's because I have all of e-husbands stuff I am helping with. It's a full time job to advocate for his care. Also, I have midterms and such going on. And then there's all those kids that infest my house. I guess I am a bit distracted and not taking care of my own stuff properly.

What's a superwoman to do?

my life in pictures

Thought I would throw up some more of the pics I've been taking. They are high resolution, so I don't recommend clicking on them unless you want to really see them in all their glory.




Danny having fun in the bath.



E-husband. waiting for the meds to kick in...



Gabe is dancing.



Where I work.



The path to the front of the building. The sun was just coming up. So I stopped to snap this picture. To the right of the picture, you can see some of the orange hue from the fires.

I am not sure if you heard, but SO MUCH of Southern California is on fire. There's a fire about 20 miles south, AND 40 miles north of me. It's very overcast, the air quality is bad. And I would guess that over a half a million acres of So Cal land is burning right now. Everyone is having major allergy problems with the Santa Ana Winds, and on top of that- all the ash that is in the air.



towards Santiago Canyon. 6:30AM. About 25 miles away.



Towards Santiago Canyon, 7:10 AM. The sun is coming up over the hill.



Towards Malibu. You can see small fires on this hill, but there isn't anything on the news about fires in this area. Malibu is about 50 miles north of here, but you can see the smoke in the air.

Over half a million people have been forced to evacuate their homes. It's unreal.

I wanna quit the gym!!

Back in December, I signed up for the gym. It was a good deal- a good price. I had all the best intentions. My intention was to go at least once a week, and then slowly move up to twice a week. E-husband had the same goals. $34.99 for the both of us, at any 24hour fitness.

I don't go enough. By enough, I mean 'ever'.

I mean, I have NEVER gone to the gym. Did I mention it was December of 2005??!?! Oh yea...that.

Don't do the math, I did the math. It makes me sad. I am cancelling it today. It doesn't mean that I don't want to be in shape. It doesn't mean I don't WANT to lose weight, or even work out. It just means that I never have the time to do it. And I could use an extra $34.99 a month. It will pay for my Netflix and Gamefly.

---

Monica: My God! Is this a gym card?

Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last 1200 times.

Ross: So why don’t you quit?

Chandler: You don’t think I’ve tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you!

---

Chances are

So e-husband is out of the hospital. Over the past few months, definately the last week, something very strange has happened between us. Something unexpected. We seem to be, um...ahem, in love..
and stuff.

Some really serious stuff happened at the hospital that I can't get in to, but in midst of it, I've made some major decisions. Since I put my ring back on, I've just felt a little more relaxed about spending time with him and we have been getting along really well. Laughing- a LOT and fighting a lot LESS. Even when the normal irritations come along, I am learning to walk away from it, which sort of includes walking away from him- and calming down. And then later, we either talk about it, or drop it.

I feel appreciated and not taken for granted. Which IS different than before, especially when he's in the hospital. I found myself looking forward to taking breaks to go see him (he was on a different floor) and he even met some of my friends and was polite and charming to them. Not that he can't BE polite and charming, but often, especially when he is hospitalized, he's not exactly in the BEST mood. Strangely many of my friends at the hospital have commented on how good looking he is, which is nice to hear also.

He came home on Friday and I am pleased to say- we have been all over each other. I can't remember the last time I was so hot for my husband and we've been making out all over the house. This morning when I left the house to run some errands, I could still smell his cologne on my clothes. That was kinda cool. I don't get very mushy about it, cause, well, that's just not me anymore. But I feel like it's time to put the past in the past.

Maybe this won't last. I don't know if it's possible to fall in love with the husband you could not wait to be away from just a year ago. People say it's possible, but those people don't know my husband. I haven't made any real decisions, there's a lot to be dealt with yet- but I'm rolling with it- and enjoying myself, and him more than I have in YEARS, and more than I thought I ever could again.

HNT- Photoshopping

I've been working on taking better pictures, playing with light and resolution and such. I also am learning how to do some 'cleaning up' in PhotoShop (that consists of more that crop and blur).


original picture



cleaned up picture

I'm working at it. Happy HNT.

Rough around the edges.

Last summer I went to the Santa Anita Racetrack to do this think for Dane Cook's Tourgasm. Basically, he needed some extra footage- but the whole thing was done WRONG, and a lot of people left REALLY pissed off because they felt jilted somehow. I guess we all had expectations, but very quickly I realized what was going on- and I really stayed because I was already there and I was proud of myself for going alone. I also spent most of the time talking on the phone to an old friend of mine.... anyway.

I received an email shortly afterwards apologizing and promising that it would be made up to us. I sort of wrote it off, because I was not so upset about it anyway. Well today I got an email, inviting me to his show in December. I emailed him to his myspace page, copying the email and asking if it was real. I got a reply that it was, in fact real. I thought it might be, because it was sent to the email I am subscribed to his site with- and I don't use that email for myspace or anything else. I'm still a bit cautious about it, and I will look for comments on his myspace page and on the message boards on his website. But if it's true....

Fucken A!! I don't care about those who don't like Dane Cook. I think he's freakin Hilarious. My friend Ed read me the Thank You's on his Retaliation CD. He thanked His Cock. Ok, you gotta love a man like that. If I ever get famous, remind me to thank My Tits.

I realize that I've posted too much today.

I stole this from Golfwidow, cause I always steal her meme's.

1. I've come to realize my ex's: did not treat me as well as I deserved to be treated.

2. I've come to realize that, I talk: too much, and too loud.

3. I've come to realize that, I love : the e-husband. Maybe that's not a shock to you, but it was for me.

4. I've come to realize that, I have: not posted to my erotica blog in over a week.

5. I've come to realize that, I lost : a bag of grapes that I bought from the grocery store. I found them two weeks later, under the stroller, in my trunk. ewwwww

6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when : people tell me how I should feel, what I should think, and what I should do.

7. I've come to realize that, Marriage: is something that I will never be an expert at.

8. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking : that they are the only one in the world who is going through what they are going through.

9. I've come to realize that, I'll alway be : wishing I was more.

10. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on : a butchy lesbian- but that isn't new.

11. I've come to realize that, The last time I truly cried was: in the arms of someone who truly loves me but just can't give me what I want.

12. I've come to realize that, My cell phone is : NOT the center of my universe. It doesn't ring as often as I'd like to think.

13. I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning: I am never really sure what time it really is.

14. I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I: wonder if the front door is locked, but I hardly ever get up top check.

15. I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about: how this is the third post I've written today to this blog, and I have not been able to successful post anything about sex in 8 days.

16. I've come to realize that, Babies are : very cute and make my uterus ache. but I would not want another one.

17. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace: to see what my friends are up to.

18. I've come to realize that, Today: was a pretty good day with the kids. No beatings. :)

19. I've come to realize that, Tonight I will : have to clean the kitchen before I go to bed.

20. I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will : have to do a lot of driving around.

21. I've come to realize that, I really want to: go to graduate school and get my Masters Degree in Public Health.

22. I've come to realize that, The person who is most likely to repost this is : maybe Shibari.

Retail therapy

I was feeling kinda down earlier. (Expect that for a few weeks- I'll explain later.) But I was feeling down, I have a headache, I'm congested. So I went shopping. Not MALL shopping, just errand shopping. I had to go to Office Depot to return the DVD's that don't work on my burner (only the expensive ones work on my laptop) so I rummaged through the clearance section. I found some awesome drawing paper for e-husband and some of those coloring books with the markers that only work on the special paper. All $1 each. Kick ass!! And I found a video game from the movie Cars for $5. Gabe likes being on the computer so he will really enjoy it.

Then I went to Target and bought medicine for e-husband and some for the kids who seem to be achy and whining today and complaining of head and tummy aches. I also picked up the new blank DVD's that I know DO work on my laptop. I also found a digital camera on clearance for $60. It is usually $120 so I scored BIG TIME. E-husband has been saying he would like a digital camera, he likes photography and he is all arty and stuff, so he can probably create some cool shit. It will be a great b-day present for him, but I am sure I won't be able to wait 6 weeks until his birthday. I'm so bad like that. I can never wait.

I also went by the grocery store and bought some staple foods. Fruit and oatmeal for the kids, popsicles and pedialyte for e-husband.

I feel better now. I know I bought things for everyone else- but that is what makes me feel better. If I just spent on me- I would feel guilty and remorseful. And don't worry- I did but something that I enjoy.



De-freakin-licious!!!

Have I ever mentioned that I HATE Halloween?!?!?

I am not happy with my new cable service. For starters, the guy did not know how to set up the internet. He tried, but he was like a monkey fucking a football. I tried it, and I thought it was working but later I realized it wasn't. He didn't set up the modem for wireless. Douche. So later I called Comcast and they set up a service call for me later this week. I unhooked everything he did, and hooked back up my DSL stuff. He left me the disc, so I might take the time and go through the very comprehensive instructions and do it myself, just to prove that I can- but you know, it pisses me off that they sent a guy out who was reading the instructions while he was doing it. Aren't these guys supposed to be totally trained in this crap?

So then last night, the cable in the boys room went out. Fuckkkkkk. The menu works and all that- but there is just no picture. Lovely. I called this morning and me and the guy on the phone reset the machine, twice- but still nothing. So he added it to the work order to look at the box again.

E-husband was in my hospital last week. He was not on my floor, thank god- but he was there. He met a few of my friends, including the hot butchy lesbian who is single again. No shock there. He said he could totally see why I like her. Please... I have excellent taste in women.

--

My ex husband called me on Friday and wanted to know if I was taking Alex out for Halloween. Ummmmm, no.

1) I have class on Wednesdays.
2) I don't know if e-husband will be in town, or feeling well enough to take the kids out.
3) He's almost 13. He's TOO OLD to go trick or treating.

I seriously HATE teenagers who come to my door for Halloween. Costumed or not. If you are not accompanying a much younger sibling- I seethe at you, taking my candy. Get a fucking job.

Alex just wants the candy. I told him that I'd give him $10 and he can buy a variety pack of candy. That will cost a lot less than a costume and the time, energy and RAGE I will feel knowing that my almost 13year old son is out trick or treating. There is a dance at school that he wants to go to and I'm fine with that. If his friends are going T or Ting, then he is welcome to tag along with them. But I'm not taking him, and I'm not going to spend $25+ on a costume when all he really wants is a plastic weapon and candy.

If e-husband is in town and feeling well, he may take the little ones to one of the carnival things they have at the local parks here. And Alex can go with then of course, but I'm not investing in a costume. The little ones won't dress up. They are just weird about stuff like that.

I'm not against the dressing up, it's the trick or treating that I hate. I have nothing against putting on a costume. I did it when I was little. My mom used to make me the MOST kick ass costumes. I remember one year I was a spanish dancer. My mom made me this ruffled layered skirt that was red and black. It was beautiful. I played in it a lot. But even when I was younger, I was not comfortable with trick or treating.

We encourage our children not to talk to strangers, certainly don't take anything from them. Except the one day a year that we make them unrecognizable and encourage them to go to the doors of SEVERAL strangers and ask for it. ugh.

The LAST TIME I went trick or treating, I was in high school. My friends were going and they pressured me to go. They were really good at peer pressure (face it Carrie- you were), and I was a fucking doormat. So I dressed up with them, but I did NOT go to doors. I was totally mortified by my friends being complete hoses- trick or treating well after you've developed B cup tits. It's shameful.

The demon returns

I got cable TV today. It's been a while since I had cable.

There's so much to watch. Good movies, old movies, B movies- oh my!! I can't decide. SNL is on in a bit, and Jon Bon Jovi is hosting- so that's obviously what I'll be watching.

Duh.







I ran into a girl I knew in elementary school at Walgreens the other day. She has worked at The Wall for three years and I have never seen her there before. She recognized me, and I am almost certain I remember which girl she is. She may have been the friend who lived on the next block. We haven't spoken since 5th grade- at least. After she told me who she was, she said, "Oh my God- how have you been?"

Ummmmm.... it's been 25 years. What kind of weird question is that? It's been almost 25 years, do you think I have the time to catch you up on 25 years while we are standing at the pharmacy at The Wall. I don't remember how good of friends we were. Obviously not very since days later, I'm still trying to remember exactly who she is.

I was brief, made my exit. Next time I will use the drive thru.

HNT- red

I'm exhausted. I just got home and took a few pictures. I have so much I want to talk about, and really, I can't say much of anything right now.

"If I lay here,
if I just lay here.
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?"

precious metal

I've put my wedding ring back on.



I did it about a week ago. I pulled it out of it's 'safe place' and cleaned it. Then I put it on. It felt weird for about a day- but now it's back on my finger and feeling like I never took it off.

Why?

Ask me if I'm married. I will say, "ummmmmm...." and hesitate. I don't say "yes" really quick. Nor do I say "no" as quick as a woman who was on her way to a divorce would. It's been a year since he moved out. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. The agreement is that we would stay married for 2 years, because he needs the health insurance.

A year has passed.

Ask me what my plans are?- it depends on the day.
Ask me if I am getting ready to file?- not really.
Ask me if I WANT to get divorced?- well, I'm not sure.
Ask me if I want to work things out?- well, some days.
Ask me if I still love my husband?- Yes.

Good or bad, sinner or insane- I still love him. Is that enough? No. But it's a start.

Depending on the day, or the week I think there is a chance, or that I am done. I wonder how I can stand him or wonder how I will live without him. I was certain when I made him move out that I could NOT live with him anymore the way he was. I could not live with someone who did not take any responsibility for his health and the BPD was becoming unlivable. That is not the case anymore. He is better about his medications and I have become much better at detaching myself from the chronic conditions that will never go away.

I feel like I NEED to lean in at least a DIRECTION. As long as I allow myself to flip back and forth, I'll never decide anything. I either need to cut ties and move towards divorce- or decide to move towards a possible reconcilliation. It's not a decision to stay together, just a decision to go that direction. I think I can see what IS livable, and what is NOT. Things that used to infuriate me, because I was miserable- are more manageable now that I have better control over my life. But you know, I needed to decide that "ok- I am giving this a shot" and "move in that direction" until I decide that it simply WON'T work. I will go back and forth forever if I let myself.

So this is the direction I'm going. Put the ring back on, and if anyone asks- I'm married.

TMI Tuesday

1. Wash up, cuddle or fall asleep?
It depends on when and where. I would always opt to wash up and then fall asleep. If it's really good, then maybe just fall asleep. I'm not a cuddler. I rarely opt for cuddling after sex. What do you want???

2. Have you ever fake orgasms?
No- I'm 35. If I don't have one, then I just don't. Get over it and don't get all fucking whiney about it. Chances are, it wasn't you- and if it was- don't worry, you probably won't be back or you will receive 1 to 1 education on the topic. (Let me introduce you to my clitoris, and my G-spot. Learn it, know it, live it.) If I really need an orgasm at the moment, I'll do it myself- give me less than a minute, and pay attention!!

3. In any 24 hour period, what is the most number of time you have ever had sex?
Back in the day, e-husband and I would spend entire weekend just drinking and fucking. I don't know how many 'times' but I remember getting the phone call from my apartment manager because my neighbors had complained cause it went on all day and night. ("If you could just close the windows maybe??")

4. Have you ever had sex or give/received oral sex while you were driving a car?
Um, yeah..... lots of times.

5. What do you think the average number of sexual partners your sex has in their lifetime (so for me, a female)? Do you think most people lie when asked?
In a lifetime?? My generation, maybe 12, 15. I think most people lie about their number. I lie about mine.

Bonus (as in optional):Can men and women be "just friends?" (Explain)
"A man can never be friends with a woman he finds attractive, he always wants to have sex with her."

This is SUCH a loaded question, but I will say yes, I think they can. It's about respecting boundaries and keeping distance, but I do believe it's possible. Really, I do. Shut up.

Do your work or I will DDT your ass!!!

As soon as I am done with this post, I am going to do group member #2's portion of the abstract that is due tomorrow in my Epidemiology class. Group member #2 has not emailed her part to me, she has not emailed me at all. Fucking twat.

Group member #3 did email me something, however- what he emailed me was shit. It really was. It did not at ALL address the point he was supposed to address. It's fucking malaria people. How hard is it to write two paragraphs on malaria research?? Answer- it's NOT. Not at all. Malaria has been around for-god damn fucking EVER, and it was hard to write ONLY two paragraphs on it. So I redid his part.


(malaria endemic areas)

Yes, I am tempted to not do #2's part and turn it in- but the grading is simple. All members get 10 points for satisfactory (meaning all sections are completed) or all members get 0 points (not all sections are complete). So you can see why I have to do it. Or maybe you can't see...

Well it's simple. I'm a senior. I have two semesters and I'm done. This semester though is my LAST chance to increase my GPA before I apply for Grad School. That's right. I'm goin to Grad School bitches!!! So I can't run the risk of allowing anyone ELSE to fuck up my GPA. I have a 3.2 right now. If I can get all A's this semester I will have a 3.8 on my transcripts for Grad School. So if that means I have to drag these assbag group members through and write the fucking 12 page paper on my own, I will. Don't worry- I will hang them in my peer review.

library offender

I called the public library today to check on my account. And Alex's account. Alex's account is $125. Holy fuck!!! 3 books that were never returned, from 2001. The books were on ADHD. I checked them out when he was diagnosed. I forgot to return books on Alex's ADHD, Niiiiiice.

I also checked my account. $12. from 2005. A book on the San Fernando Mission. Oh my god- we never returned the MISSION book. Any of you with kids (especially in CA) know that all 5th graders do a Mission report. And me, the good citizen, never returned the book on one of the missions- possible affecting EVERY 5th grade student in our neighborhood. I apologized for being a LOUSY library customer. Since Alex is a minor, they don't really DO anything about his charges, only he won't ever be able to get a library card unless it's paid for. So yes, I'm going to pay for them, maybe the library will give me payment terms. At least they don't charge interest!

I just paid my 4oo day old cable bill. That means I am getting cable again next weekend!!

wheeeeeee

Tired Naked Thursday

Holy crap I'm tired. Today was exhausting, but productive and totally worth it. Today I did some volunteer work at an 'inner city' school. Not as 'inner city' as you would think, but inner city, just the same. My hats off to the elementary school teachers in "the LBC" who teach 25 kids with no aide or anything. They were great kids though and we had a lot of fun during pedestrian safety day! Did you know that school buses now have safety exits on the roof???

Anyway- you can't tell from the picture, but I'm ALL naked here. And I've got straight hair. You like???




Happy HNT!!!

Games we play

A friend called me today and was in a 'situation' with her "new guy." Not a boyfriend, but a new guy she's been dating. It's been a month.

Last week he didn't call when he said he would. Days went by and then when they did connect again- he asked to see her and he said he'd call and they would make plans. To me, this seems like no big deal.

Her friends gave her the barrage of advice.

Dump him.
Don't pick up, or return his call for a few days.
Be busy when he asks you out.

Up until now, he has not done anything that seems 'shifty'. He doesn't seem like a game player. He told her when they met that he is looking for a relationship. He wants to settle down, get married, have kids. He's educated, gainfully employed and doesn't seem to have any weird attachments to his mother.

But because he did not call when he said he would- he's full of it. He's a player. He's a liar. He's unworthy. Man, have our standards gotten out of control?? How can we expect a man to everything we want, and nothing we don't.

I don't claim to know a lot about men- but I have learned a thing or two. One thing I know is that men do NOT spend as much time thinking about every aspect of a relationship (new OR old) as women do. Men do not freak out if we don't call when we say we will. They might wonder about it. They might consider the reasons. They may even make a decision on the future of the relationship. But the do not spend a LOT of time thinking about it. They don't tell call 3-5 friends. They don't talk to thier co-workers about it. They don't ask for 'advice'.

I don't say this because I think men are shallow, thoughtless, loveless creatures. I say it, simply because in my experience- it's true. And why?



Cause they are men. They just don't think they way we do. They don't analyze the fuck out of everything. In the beginning of a relationship, ff they have reached for our hand, it's because they want to hold it. If we reach for their hand, it's because we want to know if they will pull away. We want to know if they will show public displays of affection. We will wonder how long he will hold it. Will he squeeze it or just lay it inside ours. Will he hold our hand or will he let us hold his hand. And if he lets go unexpectedly, we will wonder why? If he lets go, chances are he is going to reach for something, or he is worrying about his hands starting to sweat.

I've learned that just because a man doesn't REACT, doesn't mean he doesn't feel. Just because he doesn't CAVE when we cry, doesn't mean he WANTS us to cry. Just because he doesn't call when he says he will, doesn't mean he doesn't want to see us again.

Why, when we think we are being played, we have to 'play' back? Why do we play these games? What is the purpose of pretending we are not available, not interested, not at home?? I understand the importance in not being a needy doormat, but what is to gain from having to 'play the game' in order to get the man you want? My friend is now supposed to pretend to be someone she's not, deny feelings she feels, and pretend she doesn't want to spend time with someone that she really does want to spend time with.

I tried to be the friend who keeps her OFF the ceiling. I suggested she choose NOT to believe he's a game player. I suggested she chill out and give him the benefit of the doubt that his reason for not calling was legit. I suggested that she remember that he's human, he's not perfect, and he doesn't think, react, or respond like a woman.

He's a man- accept that he will occasionally act like one.

HNT- for the Boobies!!!

So I read the post about the Boobie-thon and changed my originally planned HNT that I didn't really like anyway.

I don't usually show this much on this blog- but like most of the bloggers who saw Os's post tonight, well it's a special occasion!!

You will have to click for it.

Here and Here!!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!!

SuperTwat Hot Mama

Yeah- maybe I am just not original enough with my MySpace name. I just go by "Julie." Seems easy, obvious. My niece goes by Kya Cupcake. Which I think is adorable. And I love cupcakes. Most of my friends just use their names, but I have seen others, in my age group, who use clever little names. For instance I just got an email from "Snatch my 2, Kum back on 4's."

Yeah, I don't get it either.

His email said I was "Fine Ass Hell." Does that mean I am Fine AS Hell? Or Hell, I have a Fine Ass? Something about my Ass, and Hell. Doesn't sound too promising.

So maybe I should come up with a super cool myspace name. Just Julie is easy. "Julie is Easy." Maybe I should go with that.

Super Hot.
Super Twat.

The choices are endless.

nooooooooooo

I will not. WILL NOT- get sucked into this years "The Bachelor". I don't care how cute this Texas Cowboy is or how crazy bitchy dramatic these broads get. I won't do it. No no no no no!!!!!

Dancin with the stars is back!!

Oh I love this show. I'm not familiar with the men dancing, only Wayne Fucken Newton!!!! I'm excited to see him dancing. I just think he's gonna be so slick.

Tonights it's the women dancing.

Jenny Garth out of the gate. Not bad. She needs to loosen up a bit. But she's so pretty it's hard not to stare. All made up, she STILL looks like Kelli. Don't get me started on 90210. I watched the season finale, and that anniversary thing. But I stopped watching RELIGIOUSLY when Kelli and Brandon didn't get married. I felt robbed- really. After all that time- I felt they owed me that one.

Josie Maran. Supermodel. She introduced herself as a supermodel. Ouch. That was not pretty. I loved the judges comment "the only consistent thing was that your footwork was horrible." Particularly harsh, but that doesn't mean it's not true.

Sabrina the Cheetah Girl. I loved that movie. She's a dancer, so I had high hopes going in. WOW!!! She kicked ass!!!
Kicked
Fucking
Ass

The judged didn't like her hiphop mixed in, but her Cha Cha was fantastic.

(side note- my son is on the other PC here- having a 12 year old boy 'hissy fit' because his headphones are wrapped up in his chair. I told him to stop crying and get off his ass and actually LOOK at the cord that is wrapped up. It's like watching my ex husband try to hook up a stereo system. Lots of cussing and whipping of hands! I am trying not to laugh at him.)

Ok- Marie Osmond. Oh I just love her. She's so funny "Single, over 45, alotta kids." HA HA!!! LOVE HER. I loved her TV show. I love Donny. Yeah, I said it. I think people will love her because she is loveable and LIKEABLE. Her dancing was classy, and she's just so genuine. "I'm not gonna throw in the towel- I hate laundry." Oh, that is such a great line!!!

Left to dance is Mel the Spicegirl (didn't she have Eddie Murphy's baby)- and Jane Seymour. I think Jayne Seymour could kick her ass if needed. But then again, Scary Spice. She has on bright green legwarmers in rehearsal. yeah, that's scary. But her performance was good. Not exciting, but very good. And I DO love her partner Maksim. He's a sexy imported yummy cookie, that one.



Jane Seymour is elegant. Bond Girl, Medicine Woman. I hope she does well. Oh... her story is so nice. She wanted to BE a dancer, but had an injury at 16. awwwww. She's so graceful, beautiful. Gave me chills. I'm so glad to see that.

So those were the women. I suspect the Supermodel will be the first woman to go, simply because she is just out of her element.

Did you watch?? what did you think???

Please do not feed the ASS!!!

And no, this is not a post about anal sex.

Aside from my key (see below) breaking in half (It did NOT break off IN the ignition, thank God.) I can safely say that I did almost nothing else but EAT all week. I am not kidding. All junk, all the time. My ass is at an all time Non-pregnancy HIGH!! And at the moment- I don't give a damn. Really, I don't.

Food is my friend.
Food makes me happy.
Food TASTES good.

I am sure that I'm on the verge of another "oh my god I'm a fat cow and I need to lose weight" crisis- but today I'm just not gonna roll with it, and enjoy the fact that Claim Jumper frozen pies were buy one get one FREE last week. And you know October is $5.99 pies at Marie Calendar's. God bless Marie. She's a peach, that gal.

I got my hair cut today. I got six inches cut off. It doesn't look very different, just shorter in back. At the moment I look "just been laid" cause I drove home with my windows open so my hair 'airdried'. Curly girls do the "just been laid" look better than anyone else.



What do you think???

recap

Did I mention that this is how my week went???

HNT- my favorite sleep shirt

When moved out at 18 I had a long green t-shirt. I loved it and I wore it until it was holey and thin. My first husband learned to hate it. I had others, but for some reason, I loved the green one. After spending the night at my sisters and having to wear a tank top under the shirt so my tits didn't show thru, she bought me a new one for Christmas. This was several years ago. Maybe 1o years.

I don't wear it often. For at least three years I wore maternity clothes and nursing gowns. (dead sexy) For a few years BEFORE the mom-sleepwear I wore sexy nighties. Now I'm back to the t-shirts. I have some tank tops, a red old navy T, and my old green t-shirt. I love it. What do you think??








Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

the down side

I could not sleep last night. I had so much on my mind and I was in a mental twirl. The e-husband had gone to bed early and I had dozed off on the couch for about an hour. So when I attempted to actually crawl into bed at the decent hour of 11, I just lay there. Wide awake.

I was thinking about my friend who confided that her 20 year marriage is going down the tubes. I'm such a fucking asshole sometimes and I said "After 20 years, why bother moving on?" But I wish I hadn't said it- because I would never mean to make light of someone elses situation, simply because I make light of my own. She said that her husband blamed HER for his 'bad behavior'- and said that she drove him to this other woman. She said she felt unworthy. It pissed me off, and made me feel guilty. I remember telling Paul, "Well maybe if you hadn't been such a bastard....." What a cunt I was back then. And sometimes I do feel quite justified in my actions and my thinking, but really- I make my own decisions.

"Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, when you think 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it', and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one." - Alice, Closer

I told her that no matter what he says, it's not HER fault.

Three gals, all at different ages and stages of marriage:

Age 27, recently filed for divorce.
Age 35, separated and in limbo.
Age 49, married and in turmoil.

We talked about comfort and consistency. Why we stayed, and when it's time to go. How we loved the men they were, or who we thought they were- but then realized that we have no idea who they ARE. How age and time and experience has changed our views. E-husband and I have been together so long, I can't imagine being without him. I am almost resigned to that. She (49) said that she never wants to simply be 'tolerated'. And I think that is where I am with him. I 'tolerate' it. It's not an unbearable situation so I'm trying to see if I can make it stick in my head. It doesn't mean it's good- it means that it's just not unbearable.

While laying in bed, I thought about the last 10 years. The first two years. All it took was for one person to cuddle up to the next person and we were all over each other within minutes. Connected, loving, and everything seemed good. Who were those people? What happened to them? Did they ever really exist?? Out of loneliness, a longing for the familiar- I rolled over and layed up against him. I hooked my arm over his and caressed his bare shoulder until he woke up. It wasn't that I wanted sex, but I just wanted to know... something.

He woke up and shrugged me off. Got out of bed, went into the restroom. He was sick. I hadn't noticed earlier- but I could hear him throwing up.

That couple is gone. I need to wrap my head around THAT. It won't ever be what it was. It won't ever be what I want it to be. Like all couples, we have periods when things are calm, when things are hectic, when things are rough. But it's the quiet moments at 2AM in the dark. When you reach for each other. When your legs touch under the blanket, and the best you can do to connect is just stay touching and not move away from each other. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it's all you have. Maybe I should have just opted for the leg touching under the blankets- but with his nerve damage, he would not have felt me there and while we may have seemed connected, really we wouldn't be because someone wasn't making a choice to move or stay.

And that is pretty much how it is all the time.

unscenic views

This morning the sun looked HUGE. Actually I thought it was the sun, but then when I went back to take another picture 10 minutes later- it seemed to have moved down, so I thought it was the moon, and not the sun. Now I'm not so sure. But either way, it was so big it looked like you could just drive a few hours and be right there to touch it.



The picture looks like it's still dark out, but it was almost 7AM at this point. I am learning to adjust the lighting on my camera so less light is absorbed in a bright setting. It was a very bright and glaring sun/moon, but I was able to darken the picture to get the lit object. I was proud of myself on that one.

I wish I had really good things to take pictures of, but I realize that I just don't live in a 'pretty' neighborhood. For all the awesomeness of Sunny California- I just don't reside in the aesthetically pleasing parts. There's no gardens, no areas of trees, no mountains, no water. At least not in the small circle of my world. Maybe I just need to leave the house more often, or go in search of things to photograph. I know there is beauty out there- I'm dying to see it.

The new camera HNT!!!

The e-husband is in town this week and is helping me with some pictures. That's been fun (wink wink, nudge nudge).

These are the tamer pictures.

Finally Fall

So it's not really Fall yet, but the fall semesters at school have begun.

Danny is in pre-school, Gabe is in Kindergarten, Alex is in Junior High- and I'm a senior in college.

Life feels normal again.

Amen.






Gabe is also becoming quite the photographer too. This week is the 10 year anniversary of our first date. We went out and shot pool and drank beer. He had me at the first kiss.


10 years later, and we still look like a pretty normal couple.

new camera

I treated myself to a new camera. Mine got stolen in the break in. It was the only thing they took. I love taking pictures but I don't know how to use all the functions. I need "digital photography for dummies" or something.


I want to go out today and just take pictures of stuff. Everything and nothing.



I love black and white pictures, they just change things. It changes the feel of the picture.


I have no motivation to write lately. I don't know why. I am uninspired and stagnant. Maybe this will help. I just want to people watch. There is so much human emotion out there- and lately, I feel none of it.

HNT- jailbait

Since I was going through old pictures, I thought I would take some time to post some of them. This was spring break 1986. I was 14 years old. The summer before the boobs came in. When I could still wear half shirts and dolphin shorts. I was a twig, and even then I thought I was fat and I hated my body.

This was the summer I met Matt Patterson and who was my first long distance boyfriend.

He lived approximately 10.5 miles away from me.

Ahhh the unfairness of it all.

medical record funnies

"Unfortunately, the patient fell out of bed and landed on 2 cans of green beans."


(I couldn't make this up.)

It's only Kindergarten

Today was hectic. Today was Gabe's first day of Kindergarten. He was excited, he was dressed in his new digs and had his new Spiderman Backpack. Everything was perfect...

until we got to school...

Then, in perfect Gabe form- he decided he did not WANT to be in Kindergarten. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to Ms. Melanie's class. He wanted to be with Danny. He didn't want to sit, he didn't want to listen. He wanted to scream and cry- loudly.

He did calm down, and really it didn't last long. By 9:30 I was out the door and he was fine for the rest of the day. I picked him up at 1PM and he was all smiles!! In all, I guess it was not as bad as it seemed at the time- but I never really know what to do. At home, I walk away from the tantrum or try to option him elsewhere. But in school, there are not a lot of options. I mean, I could have walked away and risk letting him scream for the rest of the day. Or I could try to reason with him and grow increasingly angry. I am never sure what to do- and none of the teachers were helping me. I just wanted someone to say, "why don't you try this?" So while Gabe and I were off to the side managing his tantrum- I started to cry. I cried in Kindergarten today. I was just frustrated. And alone.

I can't help but take it personally somehow.

Tomorrow will be better. I know it.

My love and knife

We were with the e-husband yesterday for Gabe's birthday. We had a really fun day with minimal stress. He didn't come back home with us as planned, and while I was apprehensive at first about him coming to visit, I admit I was a bit disappointed when he said he wasn't coming back with us.

It's hard to explain. I don't know that I understand it myself. In the pool, we cuddled up a bit. Nothing inappropriate, but you know- he had his arms around me and such. During the day when we met in the hall, or someplace private, we would kiss. He would brush his arm over my shoulder or across my back when he walked by me. Things that seem perfectly normal for a married couple.

But nothing is perfectly normal for us. We are not a perfect OR normal and I we are not really a couple. We're just still married.

The problem is that I am still in love with him. I still wish for a life with him, where things are not the way we are now. I still somewhat hope for that slim chance that things might turn around for him. He is sick and is always going to be sick- but there are levels of sick. Sick and manageable, sick and unmanageable, and hospitalized. He is sick and manageable about 50% of the time and that 50% is pretty decent. When he's here, he helps out. He takes care of the kids and cooks and cleans and he is very husband-like. It's the OTHER 50% that makes our life together damn near impossible. 50% is not enough when you need to rely on someone at any moment. 50% of the time means that there is a better than average chance that when I come home after having a horrible day- chances are, he will be sick, in bed, in a lousy mood and debating whether or not to go to the hospital.

I have been advised both ways. That I should cut and run, or that I should stay and be the wife that I vowed to be (knowing full well at the time that it he was an alcoholic and it was not going to be an easy road). Maybe I didn't know exactly HOW hard of road it was going to be, but who does?? That if he was hit by a car and severely injured, would I leave him?? Of course not. Even if he was jaywalking and was hit and severely injured, I probably wouldn't leave him for being sick. Even if that meant he was wheelchairbound and needed help with all the everyday living stuff. His illness was self inflicted (or at least the result of a bad choices and denial). I am just unsure if my problem is that he's sick, or is it that I can't forgive him for the bad choices and denial that got him sick.

Will I ever be ready and willing to forgive and move on? Will I ever stop dredging up the bullshit that we went through when he was drinking, and drugging? Will I ever stop being ashamed? What does it take to truly find forgiveness.

Nobody judges my husband more than I do. And really, what right do I have? If I am talking about being a 'good spouse'- am I the pot or the kettle??

I am not so perfect, you know??